“...What?”

The huge creature pulls back up to its full height and crosses its arms, clearly annoyed with her response. “You heard me. I demand tits, or the live and tortured soul of a living being. It’s your choice,” it says with a huff.

What the buck is going on here? Is this thing really demanding something like that? Is that even relevant to anything here?

You are Anonymous, personification of the human internet and grand arch-demon. Right now, you’re pretty annoyed with this purple horse. Not only did she have the nerve to summon you in some random dimension you can only vaguely remember, but she did so without any payment ready! What a cunt. You watch as she slowly pieces everything together. Her mind finally comes back into working order.

“What exactly do you mean...?” she asks, worry coloring her tone.

Holy. Shit. Is this little horse that dense? You asked in the most blunt manner possible and she STILL asks that?

“Tits, boobs, bazangas, funbags, globes, pillows, mammaries, GREAT MAGUMBOS! Are you telling me that you don’t have them!?”

Your summoner goes atomic red in her face, whether from anger or embarrassment, you can’t tell.

Then you get an idea... “Oh I get it. Are you a trannie? That’s okay, traps work too,” you say with a wide grin, a mouth forming on your face.

She blanches and gives you a creeped out look, ”NO!”

You raise an eye-less eyebrow in amusement. “Well,” you start, “you have to pay me if you want me to deliver on your request. So it’s a soul or boobs, the choice is yours.”

The equine summoner takes a step back. “What if I don’t want anything of you?” she asks cautiously.

You feel the smile fall off your face, to be replaced with a scowl. Why? Why do a ritual as extensive as one like yours only to do nothing? “Okay bitch, if you’re going to be like that then do the dismissal spell. False alarms are something I hate.”

She recoils at the curse but complies as she uses telekinesis to lift a summoning tome in front her face.

Hold up...

You feel a frown forming on your face as you read the title of the book the unicorn is reading. Incipiens rector ut Ferstigon, aka Beginning guide to conjuration. What the hell is a ninth layer conjuration spell doing in something like that?

Meanwhile, Twilight is scanning through the conjuration book like a possessed mare. This is only a little mess up, absolutely nothing she can’t fix. But to her dismay, she can’t seem to find anything that resembles a high level dismissal spell. Did she really just summon this thing without a way to send it back?!

“Give me that!”

Faster than she could follow, a green hand lashes out and tears the book from her magic grip.

”Hey!” Twilight says, distressed at the theft. “Give that back!”

You ignore her and flip through the pages, skimming over everything until you get to the page with your summoning on it. Just as you do, the page falls out as if it were never attached in the first place. Picking it up, you see that’s just the case. This is a page from a different book.

“Well smart one, it looks like someone pulled a fast one on you and put my ritual in this copy of ‘Babby’s first conjuration’. Despite this actually being pretty funny, you still need to find a way to dismiss me. If you can’t do it within the next few minutes then I’m going to call on that payment,” you say, your grin coming back to your face.

Shock finds its way onto her expression. ”Bu-but but!” she stutters pitifully.

You throw your arms up and sigh in an overly dramatic manner. Looks like someone didn’t read the fine print. “Look horsey, the terms and conditions of that summoning are all plain as day on that page. Call me, pay me, I do your request, you dismiss me. Unless you didn’t read all of that like a retard.”

“My name is not ‘horsey!’ I’m Twilight Sparkle! As for the contract...” Twilight trails off, mild shame welling up in her, “I can’t read some of the stuff in the book...”

Holy fuck, how stupid can one person get? Who goes and plays with volatile shit like magic without knowing what they’re doing.

“What the fuck were you thinking? I don’t think you realize just how dangerous this can get. What if you brought something worse than me? Like the spirit of Rob Schneider?!? DO YOU WANT THAT ABOMINATION TO WALK THE WORLD AGAIN?! TO DOOM THE PLANET TO UNFUNNY MOVIES AND BAD ACTING!?” you shout as you pick her up and shake her by the withers.

“NO NO!! I DON’T WANT THAT!” she screams just as loudly as you, with terror written on her face, before it vanishes for look of confusion. “Wait, who’s Rob Schneider?”

You drop Twilight, making her fall roughly to her rump. “Oof!”

“Not important, but he needs to stay dead. I hope you can pull some sort of learning experience from this.”

She stands back up and gives you the biggest, cheesiest smile she can. “Maybe we can just write this all off as a learning experience? No harm done and I won’t summon you anymore?”

“No.”

Her faces falls.

“Sucks to suck, but that still doesn’t dismiss me or pay me. Time to make up your mind or by the terms of the contract... I’ll be allowed to take what I want by force,” you tell her, your grin stretching to an unsettling size.

She looks ready to panic but stops and manages to put up a brave front. “How about no? I summoned you, so that means you work for me regardless according to the book,” Twilight says, taking a step forward and holding her head high.

You laugh. “Ha! You have a nice poker face, but do you really think you can take on me? A demon from the absolute lowest level of hell? Sorry Sparky, I could wreck your shit with one hand. You obviously didn’t read the warnings about conjuring up something more powerful than yourself.”

She deflates and goes back to looking nervous. “... Are you sure there’s no way around this?”

“One hundred and ten percent. You didn’t read the fine print, so it’s a soul or some oddly located titties. Don’t be a Jew about this.”

Twilight sits for for a moment, looking around desperately, as if something in the library would help her out of this predicament. It seems that luck is not her side however as no deus ex machina is popping out of the woodwork to save her.

”Are you sure...? No other way...?”

You give her a flat look.

“I don’t think you realize what it’s like to be summoned and then not paid. It’s not like stiffing a waiter on a tip. It’s more like ordering a pizza then telling the delivery guy to fuck off as you throw a box of pissed off camel spiders on him. This is all a bit more complex than you realize.”

She stalls for a minute more, then finally sighs in defeat and slowly raises herself up on her hind legs, her face going so red you think her head might explode.

Hiddliy ho! Titties, here we go!

You crouch down to get a better look. Boobs are boobs and you’re not willing to be picky the species of the owner. Twilight’s are nice, no doubt, but the award for the best horse tits you had ever seen would remain with... What’s her name? Celestia? You can’t even remember why she summoned you but you do remember a pretty sweet fight with some ugly chimaera.

“Heh.”

Acting on a total impulse, you snake your hand under her and...

“Pinchy pinch!”

Twilight’s eyes widen to the size of dinner plates.

WHAM!!!!

Faster than you thought possible, you greet the hardwood floor with your face. You groan as you taste some blood in your mouth. God damn, that was a really mean right hook. Raising yourself up, you spit out a bloody tooth and look back over to your summoner, who looks beyond mortified.

Once Twilight notices you’re up, her face transforms into a look of pure rage. ”I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!” she screams in your face.

You grin widely, showing off the nice new hole in your smile. “Not my fault, you’re the one who trusted a demon. Who really is the unbelievable one here?” you say with a snicker. Hehe, you felt mare boobs.

She grits her teeth as thin wisps of smoke begin to rise from her mane and tail, lazily floating up and disappearing.

“You might want to get that checked out. I’ve heard of cases of people spontaneously combusting for some reason or another. Usually because they hold their farts in or something.”

”YOU! YOU ARE INSUFFERABLE!” she screams again, this time her mane and tail catching fire, but strangely not making anything else go up in an inferno. She rants and raves about just how inappropriate that was, acting like you were a 12-year-old who got caught with his mom’s dildo and not an eon old horror from the absolute deepest depths of the negative karmatic afterlife.

Twilight calms down some as the flames go out, leaving her soot covered and panting.

“Feel better?” you ask cheekily.

She glares at you. “Why don’t you just dispel yourself? If you say you could this whole time...”

You shake your head in a negative. “Nah, there are a lot of upsides to being as fucking awesome as I am. The ability to do traditional magic is not one of them, though, so it looks like you’re stuck with me until you can figure out that spell.”

Twilight sighs. “Joy...” she says mirthlessly.

“Aww, c'mon now. I’m not THAT bad of company. I think I can say with certainty that I can keep your life entertaining as long as I’m here,” you say as you crouch down and put an arm around her shoulders.

“Oh, I’m sure,” she responds, her voice practically dripping with sarcasm.

“Hey, you got what you were looking for. Not my fault that you didn’t think this through.”

She looks like she wants to refute you, but sighs and just shakes her head. She’s obviously not in the mood to try and fight with you.

“You know? I don’t think we were ever properly introduced. Seeing as how I’m stuck here until you figure out how to dispel me, it might be a good idea to get acquainted,” you say with a thoughtful rub of your chin.

Twilight’s eyes widen. “Wait! What makes you think that you’re staying here? After that stunt I have no intention of leaving keeping you in town!”

“For one, once you summoned me, I became your responsibility. No if’s, and’s, or but’s.” You feel a sly smile creeping up onto your face. “Plus, don’t act like you didn’t enjoy me fondling you. I’m open for it anytime you know, and with me living here...”

You duck under a lavender ball of energy that flies behind you and right out an open window, where you hear an explosion and a cry of, “My leg!”

“That was hardly called for...”

She puffs herself up to go on another rant but stops as you stick your hand out in front of her for handshake.

“Name’s Anonymous, personification of the old-world Internet.”

Twilight looks like she wants to fight your staying here so hard but gives up, too tired to deal with you anymore. She puts her hoof in your hand and shakes. “I’m Twilight Sparkle, the town librarian,” she says, not giving away her other titles such as Celestia’s student or the element of magic. “And I guess I could let you stay...”

You smile, but feel it fall when she continues.

”On the condition that you do something to pay me back for living here,” she says, sounding a little smug at the end.

Ohhhhh, so it’s going to be like that?

“Alright, sure. How about this? Since I am technically a summon, you tell me stuff to do every once in awhile and I’ll do it,” you say with the straightest face you can. You fail to tell her that you plan on putting your own spin on whatever she asks. Really, she has it coming.

”Deal,” Twilight says jovially, not knowing she’s quite literally made a deal with the devil.
The atmosphere goes silent and almost immediately turns awkward, so you decide to lighten it up.

“So I guess now is a bad time to tell you that that whole ’contract’ business was just a bunch of BS I made on the spot?”

Anypony passing the library around noon that day would wonder just what all the enraged screaming was about, but none of them would be brave enough to try and find out.

Author's Note

Yeah, the little part at the end was me and some editers talking, I left it in by mistake. The story has already been planned beyond this point so it's not going to have any impact.