Paul drove the truck down the country road at a steady 55 MPH. He was nervous as all hell, slightly sweating as he drove along. All of a sudden he slammed on the brakes and pulled over to the right side of the road. He whipped off his sunglasses and pulled down the visor mirror and looked at himself in the mirror.

"YOU! YES YOU! STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY! This the first time in a long time that you have actually been happy. When was the last time you were actually happy? I mean really actually happy? Two years ago. Two fucking years ago before you came to this place. The place where don't even know if you’re halfway on the other side of the galaxy or in another fucking dimension! It has been two years since the Summer of 2013! That was the last time you were happy! You don't even know what fucking year it is in this place! Why don't you stop being a whiny little pussy bitch, man up and grow a pair of fucking balls! Now, you are going to drive over to Sweet Apple Acres, you are going to get out of this truck, you will walk up to the front door, knock, have dinner with Apple Bloom and her family, and you are going to tell them you are dating their little sister, that you are two are happy, and that if they don't like it, they can kiss your ass, and tell 'em to pucker up! Now...Who's the man!? You're the man! YOU! ARE! THE! MAN! You're cool, you're ice! You're fuckin' B.J. Blazkowicz! Now.....GET PSYCHED!" He said, putting on some music. He shook his head for a moment as he thought he saw himself make the Death Incarnate face....

"Look out Apple Family.....Paul's comin' to dinner..." He said putting his Ray-Bans back on. With that he slammed on the accelerator and peeled out before speeding down the road at 85 MPH.

listen all you muthafuckers (x2)

that's the name of the game (x4)

Yo

Top of the crown

Rape the queen

The fatal mistake in your cradle

Can't shake the dreams of

Fire inside of your phonograph

Battered with gas

And give you room to breathe

Through an adequate mask

Everybody in front

Let me see ya pumpin' ya fists

If you up in the back room

When you rockin' with this

Come on

Keepin' ya speaker knockin'

Jumpin' bangin' bumpin' blazin' Hot

Callin' all freaks

Callin' all freaks now

Yo yo

Callin' all freaks

Callin' all freaks now

that's right

that's the name of the game (x4)

callin' all freaks

callin' all freaks

callin' all

callin' all

callin

that's right

Get em up in the back room

Get em up in the back room

I said get em up in the back room

mutha-fucka

callin' all (x8)

thats the name of the game

calling all freaks

that's the name of the game

calling all freaks now

that's the name of the game

yo yo calling all freaks now

that's the name of the game

calling all freaks now

As the song finished, Paul looked up ahead and saw the farm come into view. "Point of no return ol buddy ol boy! Do or die! Sink or swim! Nut up or shut up! And any other turn phrase to illustrate that point!"

* * *

"Gol’ darnit Apple Bloom, ain't ya gonna tell me who this colt is?" Applejack said as she carried a plate of food from the kitchen to the table.

"Yahr just gonna have to wait and see when he gets here..." Apple Bloom said in a coy tone of voice as she went to help Mac carry food to the table.

"Can't we at least get a little hint?" Big Mac asked with a grin as he set the plates and silverware at their proper locations on the table.

"Fine...... you've seen him before already.... that's all I'm saying." She said as she walked to window to watch for him.

"Well yah certainly are lookin' tah impress him...." Mac said with chuckle as he pointed out how Apple Bloom was wearing a large amount of blush and she had her shirt unbuttoned at the top.

"Hey! There's nothing wrong with wanting to look good for yer coltfriend is there?" she replied defensively.

"I suppose not..." Mac said with smile recalling what Fluttershy had worn during their last encounter.....

Apple Bloom continued to look out the window until she saw Paul's truck coming up the road. 'He's here!' she thought happily.

* * *

Paul pulled the truck to a stop beside the barn as he got out and once again steeled his resolve. 'Go in there and have dinner with her family. Remember! You're not a coward!' he thought as he knocked on the door.

"He's Here!" Apple Bloom said as she quickly ran to the door and opened it. At the door stood Apple Bloom, Applejack, Big Mac and Granny Smith. Paul's mind quickly did a 180 on its resolve, 'Correction, I am coward! A frightened, craven little coward!' he thought, thanking God that his eyes were concealed by his sunglasses.

Big Mac stood with an unsurprised look on his face, Granny and Apple Bloom were about to smile their faces off, and Applejack still hadn't registered that Paul was her sisters coltfriend.

"Oh, hey Paul. What are you doing here?" She asked.

"She hasn't picked up....?" Apple Bloom inquired to her older brother.

"Give her a minute...." Big Mac said as they watched Applejack's face with anticipation.

She stood there for a minute before a gauge inside her head quickly went from 'NO CLUE' to 'GET'S IT'. Her face quickly changed to an uncomfortable look. "Oh....... soooooooo yahr Apple Bloom's coltfriend?" She asked hesitantly.

"Yeah.........." He replied, equally uncomfortable. "So.....can I come in?" he asked with an uncertain face.

"Sure......." She replied as she stepped aside and allowed him passage.

"Thanks......." He said as walked inside. Paul sniffed the air. "Mmm… Smells good....." He said as they all sat down at the table.

"Thank yah...” Applejack replied as they began dish up food.

The meal went on for about 20 minutes before anybody said anything. Big Mac was the first to speak. "So, yah've taken a likin tah Apple Bloom?" He asked as took a bite from his meal.

"Yeah...she kind of grew on me after walking her to class for a few weeks, although she was the one who was making most of the moves. Sort of throwing signals, like she always smiled when I showed up and she was always looking for an excuse to be around me. That sort of thing." He replied as he ate.

"She certainly has an...... unusual taste in colts..." Applejack replied in passively-aggressive tone.

"What is that supposed tah mean!?" Apple Bloom exclaimed angrily.

"It means Ah think yah may not have the best judgement when it comes to choosing coltfriends." Applejack said as she gave her little sister a stern gaze.

"How dare yah! Yah have no right to judge me or him! Just because he's not a pony doesn't give yah the right tah write him off!" She said as she angrily stood up from the table.

"That's not the only reason why yah shouldn't be courting with him! He smokes heavily and drinks just as much!" She countered just as angrily as she stood up as well.

"He already told me all that himself! The day we went out for coffee and ah asked him out! He told me that ah should probably look for someone else!" She yelled.

"Well maybe yah should've listened tah him!" Applejack yelled back.

"Don't say something yahr gonna regret, AJ." Apple Bloom replied with a tranquil fury.

Paul stood up at that moment, "Could I say something please?"

"NO!!" They both yelled at him.

"Okay..... I'll.... be out on the front porch then...." He said meekly looking back and forth before slowly backing out the door.

"Well this has gone as well as Larry Craig trying to proposition someone in an airport bathroom...." He muttered to himself as he sat in a chair on the front porch and lit up a cigarette.

"I'll be fucked....." Paul said while taking a drag on his cigarette.

"Ah wouldn't bet against it..." a low voice chuckled. Paul whipped around to see Mac standing next to him on the porch.

"I see you've decide to flee the insanity as well?" Paul laughed.

"Well, when yahr the only male in yahr family, yah know when it's time to take cover...." He said, chuckling as he took a seat in a chair next to Paul.

"Funny, It was the exact opposite in my house. My mom was the only female, rest was guys: Me, My older brother Kyle, and my dad Jon. A friend of my brother's asked him, 'how did your Mom survive dealing with you three?'" Paul said laughing.

"Yeah...." Mac said chuckling. "Hey, can Ah have one those?"

"Sure." Paul said as he pulled out his pack of Lucky Strikes and gave one to Mac. "Would you believe this brand actually exists back home on planet Earth?"

"Really? That's a heckuva coincidence." He said as he put the cigarette in his mouth.

Paul pulled out his Zippo, lit it, and said in his best Firebat voice, "Need a light?"

Mac nodded as he leaned forward in his chair far enough to light the cigarette. "Fire it up." Paul said with a chuckle.

As Mac took a drag on his cigarette, Paul gave him a surprised look and said "I didn't know you smoked Mac. I thought the Apple family were 100% straight shooters." Paul said as he took a drag on his own cigarette.

"Well... Ah wasn't always the responsible stallion Ah am now. Ah actually used to be a lot like you, I smoked, I drank, and I smoked." He said motioning to his mouth. Only difference was that I was a lot more sexually active..." He said with a chuckle.

"I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that that's reason you're always chewing on a sprig of wheat?" Paul asked.

"Eeyup." Mac replied

"Huh. So you used to be punk like me huh? I'll admit the idea of you dressed up as a punk and listening to The Circle Jerks while stoned out of your mind is an interesting image." Paul chuckled.

"Ah'll bet...I cleaned my act about the time Applejack left to go to Manehatten and Apple Bloom was still a baby. My act was mostly because ah was a combination of angry and sad about the death of mah parents and it was a way of venting."

"I heard about that, sorry dude." Paul replied.

"That's all right, water under the bridge." Mac replied

"I'm guessing that’s why you didn't 'jump on your high horse' so to speak?" He asked

Mac gave him an arched eyebrow before saying, "Eeyup, it’s also because ah think yahr a good kid despite how you act. Ah've actually figured it out a while ago. Ah noticed all the looks she was givin' yah, and how she seem to light up whenever yah came around. Ah just didn't let on because ah thought it would be better if yah two got comfortable enough to tell us."

"Yeah and that's gone swimmingly so far." He said sarcastically while motioning to the house where Applejack and Apple Bloom were still going at it.

"Applejack means well she's just..." Mac began to say before Paul spoke up.

"Hard-headed, stubborn, and can tend to have a stick so far up her ass you could use her as a puppet?" Paul threw in.

"Well yes, but Ah was goin' to say that she doesn't want to see Apple Bloom get hurt." Mac replied.

"Well she managed to do that in the most ass way possible." He said before noticing a displeased look on Mac's face. "Sorry..." He replied sheepishly.

"Ah understand where yer comin' from though. Just......be careful would you? Ah don't want tah see either of yah hurt. And now here's where ah'm supposed to insert obligatory, 'break her heart and ah break yahr face' routine. " Mac chuckled.

"Noted.......Thanks man." Paul said to Mac.

They sat there smoking for about another 10 minutes before Paul spoke. "Are they still going at it?"

"Sounds to be that way." Mac replied.

"Okay, there's only one way to stop this." He said as he put out his cigarette. "Cover me Mac, I'm goin' in." He said as he got up and walked inside. Mac quickly put out his cigarette and walked in with him.

Paul stood in front of the table where Applejack and Apple Bloom were still going at each other. Paul cleared his throat and yelled, "I WAS FRO-ZEN TODAY!!!"

The two stopped yelling at each other and gave the biggest, 'What the fuck?' look they could.

Paul looked at Mac for a moment and said, "Never fails to kill an argument. Plus you get to enjoy the weird looks."

“WHAT THE HAY DO YAH WANT… YAH SLITHERY SNAKE YAH?!” Applejack yelled.

“He ain’t no slithery snake!” Applebloom yelled back.

“Is to. We give him shelter, a way of livin' and how does he return the favor? By gettin' with our sister!” Applejack yelled. Paul groaned to himself.

“Somehow I thought this would’ve gone better.” He muttered to himself. Applejack heard his comment.

“Why in tarnation would this have gone well yah delinquent!?” She screamed. Paul shrugged.

“I don’t know… maybe because I think we’re in love.” Paul replied.

“Yah ain’t in love, yah just want in her pants!” Applejack yelled a reply.

“NOW WAIT A MINUTE!” Paul and Apple Bloom both yelled. "My parents raised me better than that! They taught me how a treat a girl right, granted when they taught me that they weren't thinking about the possibility of their son ending up in world of talking ponies and falling for one of them, but my point remains valid! And as far my smoking, drinking, and drug use, at least I'm honest about my faults!"

"And Just what do yah mean by that!?" Applejack yelled

"It means at least smart enough to know my faults and not bite off more than I can chew, unlike you that one Applebuck Season...." he yelled back causing Applejack to recoil. "Oh yeah. I have my sources. I heard all about how you ran your dumbass ragged trying to do everything yourself and you had to hit rock bottom before you up and realized you fucked up and needed help. Not even Joe's that hardheaded. BOOM! Take that to bank and cash it sister!" He said with a flourish and smug grin on his face.

Big Mac tapped Paul on the shoulder. “Yer on yer own… Ah’m out. Applejack’s getting the twitch.” Big Mac said before cautiously trotting away.

“What’s the twitch?” Paul asked before realizing that Applejack was twitching worse than Pinkie when she got her Pinkie sense.

Big Mac trotted out of the house just as Applejack started throwing dishes. They would smash off the wall as Paul ducked them. “JESUS CHRIST, WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!” Paul yelled as Applejack rushed him, tackling him to the ground like a snarling bull.

Outside, Mac simply sighed before a blue Shelby Cobra pulled up. Joe stepped out and took off his hat, fanning it in front of his face to cool off. Joe started walking towards the door.

“Wish it was so.” Mac muttered to himself. Joe raised an eyebrow as he placed the cowboy hat back on his head.

“Wish what was so?” He asked curiously.

“That you were Apple Bloom’s new coltfriend.” He replied and Joe chuckled faintly.

“Why would I be Apple Bloom’s coltfriend?” He asked, dumbfounded by the comment. Mac sighed as he rolled his eyes.

“Cause Apple Bloom brought her coltfriend to dinner an… it isn’t going so well. Was just thinkin' it mighta gone differently if you hadda showed up first.” Mac replied. Joe chuckled at the thought of being Apple Bloom’s coltfriend. He knew she belonged to Pau…

“Oh shit.” Joe muttered as he realized what Applejack would act like when she realized Paul was Apple Bloom’s new special somepony. “She didn’t know beforehand huh?” Joe asked then a chair smashed out the window, making Joe duck to avoid flying glass. "THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GOING TO BE WEARING YOUR ASS FOR HAT INSTEAD THAT STETSON APPLEBITCH! COME ON! SQUARE GO!" He heard Paul yell as he saw him tackle Applejack into the kitchen.

“Guess that’s yer answer.” Mac replied. Joe sighed deeply and Mac looked up to him. “So why are yah here?” He asked and Joe shrugged.

“I forgot my gun in the house.” Joe said as he went to open the door. Mac grabbed him by the arm.

“Don’t go in there.” He warned and Joe sighed.

“I need my gun…” He stated as he walked in. He heard Apple Bloom screaming at both Applejack and Paul. ‘If only Paul were dating Applejack…’ He mused to himself as he slid up beside the wall and tried to sneak past the quarreling family members.

Not even seconds after Joe had started sneaking past, Applejack spotted him. “Joe! What the hay are yah…” Her eyes went wide as she lept off from atop Paul and rushed Joe with a fury in her eyes.

“Whoa, shit!” Joe yelled as the mare collided with him, knocking both their bodies into a small desk in the hallway. Joe’s massive frame busted the desk apart and sent splinters through his shirt and into his back.

“Ow!” He winced in mild pain as Applejack began to pummel his chest. “Uhm… Applejack… what’s up?” Joe asked, not really feeling the beating she was trying to give the large man.

“APPLE BLOOM AH SWEAR TAH CELESTIA… IF THIS IS SOME SORTA THREE WAY!” Applejack yelled. Apple Bloom gasped in insult.

“Why in tarnation… why would yah think I’m some sorta whore?!” Apple Bloom yelled, almost in tears that her sister would think so poorly of her.

Applejack continued to pound away at Joe who simply shrugged off the beating and pulled the furious mare off his body then began to stand up. “Ahh… shit.” He muttered as pain surged through his back. He twisted his body and spotted blood staining his white t-shirt.

“Dammit AJ… You ruined my good shirt.” He muttered casually, as if nothing was wrong. Everyone seemed to drop their jaws in shock of how dense Joe was.

“Joe… yah…” Applejack hissed. Joe raised an eyebrow. “What the hay are yah doin here?” Applejack asked, now curious to why Joe was here. Paul stood up and went to trot beside the angry mare but she kicked him in the groin sending him to floor.

“AHHHH… You..don't..kick..people..in the balls you ASSHOLE!” Paul hissed as he grimaced in pain and reached over and punched Applejack in the ovaries sending her reeling in pain to the floor. Apple Bloom rushed to her friend and helped him stand.

“The hell’d you do that for?!” Joe gasped and Applejack’s eyes went wide in shock before she rolled her eyes.

She and Paul both spoke simultaneously. “Joe… only you can be so dense.” The both said as they lay writhing on the floor. Joe looked to the roof and scratched his head.

“Right… I’m here for my gun…” Joe replied. Paul groaned as he stepped forwards.

“Way tah go, Cupid.” He commented and Joe raised an eyebrow. “Never mind.” He muttered, finally able to stand without Apple Bloom’s help.

“Uhm… righto, anyways… After Paul left to get his jacket fixed… I came back to the house, went to take a shower… got out, and got a call from Flim and Flam… they had my car done. So I left and had forgotten my pistol so I came back to get it… Cupid?” Joe asked.

“Calmed the crazy mare that was going to kill me.” He laughed and Joe scratched his head.

“Oh yeah… you two are dating… forgot about that for a moment when AJ was… beating me for… why were you hitting me again?” He asked but Applejack was still dumbstruck about how dense he was.

Finally she managed to sputter a reply. “I thought… you were having a threesome with Paul an muh sister.” Applejack replied. Joe chuckled.

“Why would I do that? I’m with Scoots.” Joe replied and Apple Bloom piped up.

“Yeah, see. Apple Bloom is dating a man, so why can’t ah?” Apple Bloom yelled, immediately the two began quarrelling again. Joe just shrugged and began making his way to the washroom.

“Scootaloo has every right to date Joe. He’s a million times better than Paul!” Applejack yelled.

“Maybe for her, but Paul is a million times better fer me!” Apple Bloom yelled back.

“Maybe you should’ve started dating Joe before getting involved with Bane!” Applejack yelled back.

Paul tried to speak but couldn’t find an entrance point into the argument. “How can yah even say that! Scootaloo an Joe are happy together, you’d want to change that?!” Apple Bloom cried out, tears now flowing from her eyes.

Applejack went to yell back but was interrupted by Joe. “Well, thank you folks for you… hospitality… I’ll be taking my leave now… cheerio dears.” He said, the last bit in a very squeaky voice.

“What gave yah the right tah date Soarin?!” Apple Bloom yelled, getting into Applejack’s affairs.

“What… what does this have tah…” Applejack began but Apple Bloom cut her off as she grabbed Joe, who was still bleeding somewhat.

“The only reason yah two got together was cause Joe an' Soarin were hangin out in the fields after he was teaching him… why do yah have the right to date him but ah can’t date Paul!?” Apple Bloom yelled.

“Can I leave?” Joe asked but Apple Bloom gave him a cold glare.

“No, ah need yah for a moment tah make a point.” Apple Bloom replied.

“In case you all haven’t noticed… I’m bleeding.” Joe replied. Paul snickered.

“You ain’t got time to bleed.” He laughed, in a perfect Ventura voice. Joe laughed then turned around.

“Like I was saying… I’m bleeding and in case you haven’t noticed… I can’t even touch my own shoulders so forget about even touching my back to pull out those splinters.” Joe said as he tried to touch his shoulders. His bicep was too big to even allow him to get close to touching his shoulder.

“Roid Monkey.” Paul chuckled and Joe rolled his eyes.

“You wish… anyway, I’m off to the doctor… toodles.” Joe chuckled. The whole ‘Dense Joe’ thing had really killed the mood, but that was a good thing, for the time being.

Paul walked over. “I’ll drive you.” He said but Joe shook his hand.

“Nah, it’s cool. Got my car back.” Joe stated. Suddenly Applejack grabbed Joe and placed him over the table.

“Don’t even think for a minute yer off the hook.” AJ said to Paul with a cold glare. She then began to pluck splinters out of Joe’s back. Every so often he’d flinch but for the most part he just lay there and let her pull out every splinter.

Paul sat down in front of Joe and displayed his tattered t-shirt, which let through beams of light through the holes. “Doesn’t it hurt?” Paul asked as he watched Applejack pull a rather large splinter from his back.

Joe smiled then shrugged before putting on a blunt face. “The base data can be called ‘Pain’.” He replied in a terminator voice. Paul chuckled then face palmed.

“Thanks Arnie… needed that one.” Paul chuckled as Apple Bloom sat beside him. As Applejack pulled splinters from Joe’s back, she realized how far over the edge she had gone. Joe was just an innocent bystander who got hurt in her fit of rage.

She pulled another splinter from his back. “Yah… yah look like a porcupine.” Applejack said through a sniffle. “Ah’m sorry… tah all of yah… ah didn’t mean tah…” She trailed off as a tear came to her eye.

Paul nodded. “Well at least I didn’t get hurt as badly as Joe… hey guess what, it’s the best part… sterilization.” He commented. Joe looked up.

“Wait, what?” He asked before Paul poured a bottle of liquor cider on Joe’s bloodied back. The alcoholic beverage quickly sterilized the wound but Joe flinched a bit and gasped.

“GAHHHH, hey!” He yelled and Paul smirked.

“No pain no gain, right Arnie?” He laughed smugly. Joe just groaned as he let his head flop down and bang off the hardwood table.

“I hate you…” He muttered and Paul smirked.

“And I love you.” He said. Joe looked up to his with a raised eyebrow but realized he was taking to Apple Bloom. The two shared a passionate kiss and Joe felt Applejack’s body tense. He rolled his eyes as he grabbed the already twitching mare and dragged her away.

Granny Smith sat in her chair. Though she looked asleep, she had stayed awake through the entire ordeal and smiled faintly. “Those two are something else…” She muttered silently to herself.

Author's Note