The Tale of The Stone-turner

Fluttershy was still unconscious when we reached her home. Walking up to her house I carefully used my foot to push open her door, for some reason ponies never seemed to lock their homes, whatever. I ducked into the house, mindful not to bump my pony cargo against the door frame or anything in the home. I took in the details of the room, birdhouses hung from the ceiling, the floor was made of light green wooden planks with a small chair and couch sitting upon it, a staircase led up to the second floor, and animal beds lay all around the room. Oh, and there was a veeeerrryyy displeased rabbit sitting in the middle of the room, glaring at me. I looked from Angel to the Fluttershy I was carrying, then back to Angel. The rabbit didn't need to speak for me to understand that face, it was saying 'This explanation had best be a damn good one'. I smiled sheepishly. *squee* ...THE FUCK WAS THAT!? Hold on, can't go crazy right now, I gotta explain the situation to the angry bunny.

“I am not the one responsible for this. You see, we kinda woke up the hydra at Froggy Bottom Bog.. And Fluttershy may have passed out from the fear of the hydra almost eating her.” The rabbit looked frightened for an instant. “Oh, don't worry. She didn't get injured in any way. And I made sure that hydra will never get the chance to try again.” I had just a tiny bit of anger in my voice when I said that last sentence. “Sooo, where should I set her?” Angel pointed at the couch and with a nod, I placed Fluttershy gently upon it. I hadn't noticed it before, but she was covered in mud from the bog. And looking down at myself, so was I. “Now we just wait for her to wake up.” The rabbit shook his head, before pointing at me and then the door. “Are you sure, I feel I really should be around to see if she's OK.” Angel pointed again, with a scowl. “Alright, alright, I leave her in your paws.” With that I walked back out the door, to have it slammed loudly behind me. I don't think Angel likes me much.

I walked back into town, damn I was exhausted. No more hydra excitement before midday, new rule, no exceptions. It wasn't long before I heard a scream of terror, oh come on, it's been a couple days I thought we were past the screams of terror stage. I looked towards the sounds origin with a sigh, wait, that's Rarity. Why was she screaming? And why was she looking at me with that look of horror?

“What in the name of fashion did you do to yourself, Stone!?” In the name of- oh. I looked down at myself, the clothes I got from her were still covered in bog.

“Ah, that. Well you see, Fluttershy and myself went to Froggy Bottom Bog earlier and we may have had a bit of trouble with a hydra. Things got messy and I guess I wasn't paying attention to what got on my clothes.” I grinned as I spoke.

“A HYDRA!? Nopony got hurt did they?”

“Oh no, everypony came out fine. Things came close for a second but I 'took care' of the hydra so it won't bother anypony anymore.” She raised a brow at me.

“You 'took care' of it?” I nodded, my grin on full stupid. “Well then, I'll not press you for the details, I can tell it's a subject you're trying to avoid.”

“Thank you Rarity.”

“But, we cannot have you meandering about Ponyville, looking like a walking swamp. Come with me.”

“Where too-ahhh”

With a yelp of surprise, I suddenly found myself feeling tingly all over as I was dragged thru town by magic, I guess this was not optional. I sighed as I was taken into the Carousel Boutique, getting many looks of confusion and suppressed chuckles on the way there, and the magic cut out.

“If you walk up the stairs the second door you pass will be the bathroom, you are to wash up in there and leave your clothing outside the door. While you are cleaning yourself I shall clean the swamp from your clothing properly and return them to you when both the clothing and yourself are dry.”

“Uhh....”

“Well? Go on, I have some very important designs to finish and we can't waste all day on teaching you proper cleanliness.”

I could only nod, dumbfounded, as Rarity trotted into another room. I think I was essentially kidnapped by a unicorn so proper hygiene could be forced upon me.. Why am I the weirdest thing town again? I marched up the stairs, much like a scolded child would, and entered the bathroom.

The amount of smells that entered my nostrils almost knocked me out. There were perfumes, disinfectants, shampoos, it was a vast assortment of aromas and it made me frightened. This was not my domain. Removing my mud suit and laying it outside the bathroom door, which I then closed and latched, I turned and pulled back the curtains on the bathtub. There was something hanging from the shower head.

My brain slowly processed the information presented before it, it was a saddle. Now, in Equestria saddles serve very few purposes, one of which was to compliment a fashionable outfit and pull a look together, the other is to keep ponies warm in the wintertime or just when it felt chilly. This saddle was for neither of those purposes. This was clearly a saddle designed for the notorious third purpose like those in 'Stallions and Saddles', don't ask me how I can tell the difference as I have read some things humans should never be unfortunate enough to read in Equestria. I let loose the second largest shudder I ever have. The mental imagery I got from both knowing what the saddle was for and that it belonged to Rarity was too intensely horrifying.

Stepping into the tub, I ignored the saddle of nightmares and the trauma that would be scarred into my mental eye as I turned on the water and washed myself. As I got my body cleaned, though it was too late for my mind, I noticed something was off. And it wasn't just how strong this soap designed for pony fur was, I was completely uninjured. I don't mean to say my general state was one of extreme injury, but I knew I had accumulated many small cuts and scrapes from my time on the run, and I knew I had cut my hand on the hydra scale earlier. Not one injury was present. In fact my skin looked almost completely flawless, BEST SOAP EVER. Happily, I scrubbed myself with an extra layer of soap and took my time rinsing off.

I found myself a towel and dried off as best I could before wrapping it tightly around my waist and ensuring it would stay there on its own, damn thing was smaller than I would like but at least it covered my boys. I walked down the stairs back to the main entrance, noticing my clothes were no longer in front of the bathroom as I went.

“So Rarity, what's the E.T.A. on my clothes?” I heard her call from the other room.

“What was that Stone?”

“How long till I don't have to walk around half-exposed!?”

“What in Equestria are you talking about?” She poked her head into the room.

“Well, I don't enjoy wearing a towel around my waist.”

“Then take it off.”

“What would I wear then?”

“ You could just not wear anything. Honestly, even I don't get so fussy over being clothed.”

“Hubabglubpfffbt.” Even the English language has abandoned me at this point.

“Come again?”

“Never.” I adopted a bit of venom into my voice. “No pony shall ever see me fully disrobed.”

“Come now, are you really THAT self conscious?” I moved towards the unicorn, deciding to put it in the most blunt terms I could. Whispering right next to her ear.

“Humans do not have sheaths.” She didn't seem to understand immediately, but she quickly caught on.

“So that means you've been covering your.. oh... OH... I'll be right back, let's see if we can't make those clothes dry a little faster.” She ran back into the other room, face reddened.

Well, that worked. Now we play the waiting game, joy. I sat my rump on the floor of the boutique and twiddled my thumbs, feeling too exposed. It was boring.

There was a sudden 'ding', I guess that would be a customer.. and I am sitting half naked on the floor.. classy. I turned my head towards the door, hey that's- OH DAMN SHE'S RIGHT IN MY FACE!

“AHA! I KNEW IT!!” She ran right back out, the door slamming shut behind her.

“Pinkie...?” With a frown I spun on my ass to face the door, watching it like a hawk.

“Stone!?” Rarity shouted from the other room. “Is somepony there!?”

“Pinkie came in for a second, but she rushed out the door as soon as she saw me! Said something about 'knowing it'!”

“Knowing what!?”

“Damned if I know! I'm just gonna assume it's some sort of Pinkie thing!” I heard the clip clop of hooves and spun back around. Rarity was walking back into the room, with my dry clothes floating behind her, yay less nudity!

“That is probably a safe assumption to make.” She levitated my clothing over to me and after several seconds of me twirling my finger in a circle, she got the idea to turn around so I could dress myself somewhat privately.

I quickly pulled on the clothing, possibly setting some speed records as I did so, and informed Rarity I was now covered. She turned back to face me.

“Well, you certainly do clean up rather nicely.”

“Why thank you, Rarity.” I nodded lightly at her. “And thank you for cleaning my clothing.” Even if I had no choice in the matter...

“Think nothing of it.” *click clack click clack* What the fuck is- “Now please, do try not to get them dir-

I held up my hand to cut her off. *click clack click clack*

“Do you hear that?” *click clack*

“Hear what?” *click clack*

“It's Coming!” *click clack*I turned towards the door and planted myself firm. It would not bring me down. *click clack*

“What's coming!?” *clickclackclickclakclickclack*

“COME AT ME PONY!”

My cloak whipped wildly about as the door to the boutique flew open, a certain pink pony flying in from the outside and right towards me, hooves extended, reaching forwards. My intellectually challenge grin found it's way into the action. Time almost seemed to slow to a crawl, this would be a battle of might. The unstoppable pink pouncer or the standing Stone, the next instant would decide which would stand proudly in victory.

I did not like my odds in the least, so, I turned my body and took a step back away from the line of fire.

“Rarity, you have a guest.”

“Wh- OOMPH

Pinkie Pie soared right across the space my chest had been occupying a moment before, and arced down into the unfortunate and baffled unicorn. They were both sent tumbling one over the other into the next room. A crash was heard. Flying pink pony straight to the marshmallow fluff, what a sad way to go.

I smiled as I looked towards the back room, I was about to head that way to inspect the damage when an exasperated sigh stopped my progress. I spun on my heel to face the source of the sound.

“Twilight! What are you doing here, you purple pony of knowledge.” She gave me a raised eyebrow in reply.

“I'm actually here to find out what happened to you and Fluttershy this morning.” Fluttershy stepped into view slightly behind her. “And why Fluttershy came to me so panicked she could barely speak beyond asking if YOU were OK.”

“Fluttershy! You feeling alright now?” She nodded at me. “You didn't tell Twilight what happened?” She shook her head. “Why... aren't you speaking?” She looked down. “Still scared?” Head shake. “Lose your voice?” Shake. “Traumatized?” Shake. “Embarrassed?” A nod. “Is it because of what happened in the bog?” Another nod. “Aww, Fluttershy. It's not because of something as small as passing out in the face of mortal danger is it?” A nod.

“MORTAL DANGER!? What the hay happened this morning!?” I don't think Twilight is very happy with the idea of Fluttershy and mortal danger going together.. actually I'm not very happy with that idea either.

“Well Twilight, we had gone to the bog to collect fish when-

“Whatcha need fish for Stoney!?” HOLY HEART ATTACKS, Pinkie popped right up in front of me. Fuck the Elements of Harmony, Pinkie Pie wields the element of surprise and it is doing a much better job of bringing my death day ever closer.

“Pinkie... *gasp* Has anypony ever told you that you need a bell tied around you?”

“Several have actually.. but what does that have to do with fish?” I shook my head.

“Nothing at all, just have a seat and I'll explain both my need for fish and what happened at the bog... As soon as my life finishes flashing in front of me.” The three ponies before me sat in a nice little row, awww-dorable, and as I began to recount the events of the day Rarity stepped in from beyond my field of vision and joined the row, looking both worse for wear and rather displeased. “Right, it began this morning when I noticed my diet was lacking in a particular food group..”

I recounted the day's activities from my venturing to Fluttershy's home to Rarity dragging me to be cleansed of the bog filth. Upon mentioning the fact I wanted the fish to eat them, Rarity looked as though she would lose her own breakfast, and Pinkie went deep into thought... I don't even want to know what she could be thinking of. When my tale reached the part where Fluttershy was about to be eaten I was forced to.. lighten my exaggerated story methods, the poor pegasus looked like she was going to pass out again from the memories. Quickly moving past that part, I left out the exact details of what I did to the hydra leaving them to believe I only turned it to stone, I finished up with how I carried Fluttershy back to her home and Angel hurried me out of it.

“..And that is when I came back into Ponyville and you spotted me, Rarity.” The ponies were silent for a few moments before Twilight decided to be the first to speak.

“So, are we going to have to worry about these sorts of things often?”

“What do you mean?”

“The sorts of things you seem to have brought with you when you came to Ponyville. Panic, random rainbooms, hydras, it just seems like things have been getting overly exciting exceedingly fast.” I could only shrug with my reply.

“Well, hopefully it won't be a recurring problem. Ponies are getting more used to me, the hydra was dealt with and I have no plans of ever doing another jumper cable to Rainbow Dash. Once I get into the swing of things and figure out how exactly I am going to be spending my life in Ponyville things should become relatively calm.” Pinkie decided to add her own opinion on the matter at this time.

“Or we could all wind up going on some crazy adventures one after another until Stoney has to make a decision that would separate him from us forever and only leave us with memories of our time together..” We all just stared at Pinkie for a moment. “I hope that part doesn't happen.” I shook my head lightly.

“Me too, Pinkie, me too.” I smiled lightly as my stomach decided to speak for a change, it was not pleased with only having a mouthful of hydra, regardless of its roast beefy flavors.

“Oh! Umm.. Stone.” I looked down at Fluttershy and noticed for the first time she still had her little saddle baskets on her back. “Well, umm.. I noticed when I woke up that you hadn't taken any of the fish for yourself, and well there's more than enough for the bears, and since it sounds like you're hungry.” She motioned her head towards her saddle baskets and sure enough there was fish still in them. “You could have some for yourself.”

“Why thank you, Fluttershy.” I carefully pulled a fish from one of the baskets as I patted the pegasus gently on the head with my other hand. “You're such a nice little pony.” She hid under her hair slightly.

“Why do you keep doing that?” I looked at Twilight.

“Doing what?”

“That thing, where you place your paw on a pony's head.” I frowned and glanced at my palm.

“It's not a paw.. It's a hand. And the reason I pat ponies... well I'm not really sure, I wouldn't pat another human's head, but with ponies it just.. feels right.”

“Well I wonder what would give you that impression?”

“I'm not sure, Rarity.” Probably because ponies are just animals on earth and I love petting animals, best not mention that, not sure how well the idea of non-intelligent ponies would go over. “But if it bothers any of you I'll try to restrain myself from doing it.”

“Oh no, I don't mind at all. It actually felt.. nice.”

“Yea, Stoney. Besides, what's the point of having those hand-thingys if you don't use them for what feels right?”

“I would ask before placing a hand on just anypony. I'm not sure they would all enjoy being fondled by a strange creature without warning.” I chuckled at the image that put in my mind.

“I'll keep that in mind, Twilight.” I idly looked at the fish in my other hand and resolved to eat it raw and someplace out of the way later. Don't want to freak out ponies that don't know me, and I doubt anypony would want me to just meat up their vegetarian kitchens. I frowned for a moment as a thought passed thru my mind. “Speaking of hands, how do you ponies get by without them?”

“What do you mean, Stone?”

“Well, I understand that you unicorns have magic to manipulate objects, but how do pegasus or earth ponies handle things that can't be put in the mouth?”

“Stoney you silly, we just use our hooves.” Pinkie then proceeded to take my fish from me with one of her hooves and held it up. “See?” The fish was just hanging by the tail, no visible force holding it against gravity.

“That- that raises more questions than it could possibly have answered.. but I'm just not going to bother asking them. Since I feel it would cost me what little sanity I have remaining.” I carefully took my fish back from the pink pony. “So Rarity, if you don't mind my sudden leave after you so generously got me cleaned up” Even if it was forced upon me. “I am going to take this outside Ponyville and eat it. I don't want to offend anypony with my meat eating ways.”

“Oh, you don't have to leave town to eat. It would be no problem at all if you were to have lunch in my kitchen, Stone. I understand that you have no control over what your body requires, be it other creatures or the most perfect of gemstones.” She almost seemed to tear up as she mentioned gemstones. “Just.. try not to make a mess.”

“Let's all have our lunches now! We can't just leave Stoney to eat all alone.”

“That's a wonderful idea, you're all more than welcome to stay for lunch. If you don't mind sandwiches that is.” The ponies each thanked Rarity for offering lunch and accepted her offer, though some were more reserved than others about not wanting to impose, and we followed Rarity to her kitchen so we could chow down.

We sat around a small table in Rarity's tidy kitchen, each pony having a sandwich composed of leafy things and flowers while I had my fish. The ponies each had one eye on me while they ate their food, I guess they were curious. I was completely unsure of how to go about eating a fish uncooked, uncleaned, and with all the organs still in it, much less how to do so without making a mess or looking like some sort of uncivilized primitive. Who the fuck am I kidding? I am an uncivilized primitive, I bit right into the flesh of that succulent little bastard and I wolfed it down in under a minute. I looked up from my finished meal, surprisingly nothing had gone flying and every last bit of the fish had gone into my mouth, to see that my pony pals were sufficiently horrified.

“What? It was tasty.” I ran my tongue over my teeth absentmindedly and frowned, that's weird, I ran my tongue back across my teeth again. They felt perfectly normal that time, but for a second there I could have sworn they were.. different.

Each pony went back to eating their own meals, unaware of my dental dilemma. Judging from the careful slowness with which they ate, I think I may have killed their appetites, oops. I twiddled my thumbs under the table and watched the ponies eat their flowery food, curiosity coming over me.

“So, what do flowers taste like to you ponies?” They each looked at me with a slightly confused expression before Fluttershy was, surprisingly, the first to speak.

“What do you mean, do you think they would taste different for us?”

“That's exactly what I think. I mean to me, flowers mostly taste like bitter dirt. But that couldn't possibly be the case for you ponies or you wouldn't seem to enjoy eating them so much... Unless you ponies like the taste of dirt.. you don't, do you?” The ponies all quickly shook their heads and assured me that none of them enjoyed the taste of soil. “So then, they must taste differently for you. How would you describe the taste of flowers?”

“Well.. What flowers, Stone?”

“Yea silly, they don't all taste the same.”

“That makes sense, I guess. So to you, flowers are like an entire food group?”

“Precisely, roses are sweet and daffodils are tart.”

“ I see. Well in that case, what are your favorites?”

“Ooh, chocolate covered roses, definitely chocolate roses.” Pinkie started salivating onto the table. Rarity looked at the drool in disgust.

“Yes, well personally, I prefer a nice carnation on a bed of lettuce.”

“I.. um.. well I like pussy willow the most.. I think.” I could barely keep myself from laughing at poor Fluttershy. “Is.. is something wrong with that?” I shook my head, my laughter about to burst forth.

“Noth- *snrkt* nothings wrong at all *pfftha* Fl-Fluttershy.” I swallowed down my laughter and put on my stupid grin for a moment. “There's no shame in liking pussy.. willow.” I hunched over, snickering to myself.

“Oh, OK then Stone, but why are you-

I looked towards Fluttershy to see her eyes widen and her pupils shrink to mere pricks, she must have realized what she said. Her entire coat changed to match Pinkie's and she hid herself under the table with an *eep*.

“Fluttershy, Stone, is there something here I'm missing?” Twilight gave us each a confused expression.

“No Twilight, there's nothing at all...” My snickering slowly died down. “What's your favorite flower? Please don't tell me it's two-lips.”

“Actually yes, I love the taste of tulips.” That is my breaking point, I fell backwards off my little stool.

“BWAHAHAHA!” I clutched my sides and rolled back and forth on the floor, laughing my dumb ass off. From floor level I could clearly see Fluttershy under the table, her hooves held over he muzzle, she was lightly giggling despite her strong blush.

“Hey, I think I get it!” Pinkie giggled lightly. “Oh Stoney, you have a naughty mind.”

“Pinkie, darling, what exactly is it that you get?” I heard a light whispering from my spot on the floor. “OH MY, Stone. I am quite shocked at you.”

“What in the hay is everypony talking about!?”

“Don't worry about it Twilight.” I chuckled a little more as I pulled myself back up to the table. “I'll tell you about it when you're older. Although your taste in reading tells me you may be mature enough to understand now.” She quirked an eyebrow at me for a moment just before I could see the understanding come over her.

“UGGGGHHH” She face-hoofed. “You have to be most juvenile creature I have ever encountered.”

“You mean I'm more juvenile than Pinkie? OH FUCK YEA! In your face pink one!” Pinkie let out a gasp.

“Nooo, not in my face! I need that for cupcake eating!”

Our merriment and general bullshittery continued on for several more minutes, until Fluttershy declared that she was overdue on giving the animals their lunches and departed an apology for 'ruining the fun' even though we all assured her it was perfectly fine.

“I should be going too, I am suppose to be working today. *giggle* See ya Twilight, see ya Rarity, see ya Stoney.” Pinkie hopped on out of the boutique. It wasn't long after Pinkie's departure that Twilight and myself took our leave, Rarity had work to be done and we didn't want to keep her from her job.

I frowned silently at the ground as we walked, thoughts of what I would do with my new life began to play around. Twilight was librarian, Pinkie was some kind of baker or party planner or something like that, Rarity was a.. seamstress? Is that the word for it? Fluttershy had to be a veterinarian or something, there was no way wild animals paid her... Or did they? I furrowed my brow, each pony I had met seemed so sure of their role in life, so completely satisfied with their jobs and balancing between them and their lives, must have something to do with those cutie marks they get. What the candy coated hay was I suppose to do for a job in a land where I had no applicable skill sets? Did I just use hay in place of a swear? Damn, I've been warped. I frowned deeper as I continued to walk beside Twilight.

“ohr eoi uc, Stone” I blinked out of my thoughts as I registered my new name, maybe I should tell them my real one... nah, I like my cool title-name.

“I'm sorry, what did you say Twilight?”

“Are you OK, Stone? You look.. upset.” I quickly replaced my frown with a sad attempt at the stupid grin.

“I'm fine Twilight, I was just thinking.”

“What about?”

“Well, I was trying to come up with a plan for how to earn my place in life.” I sighed. “But I don't exactly know where to begin. I don't have anything like a cutie mark to tell me what I'm best at, and the skills I know that I have can't really be applied to anything here in Equestria.” I dropped my pathetically fake grin. “I'm just worrying over dumb things.”

“Stone, it's not a dumb thing. Actually I'm surprised you're worrying about something like a job.” I tilted my head at her. “I thought you were some big foal that didn't care enough to worry about those kinds of things. No offense.”

“None taken, wait.. how old exactly do you think I am?”

“Well I don't know how your kind matures, but if I were to guess in pony years I'd say between fifteen and seventeen.”

“And how long do ponies live on average, to put that into a perspective?”

“If you don't include the princesses, ponies live to be at most a decade past one hundred and reach full maturity between the ages of twenty and thirty.”

“Humans are actually the same way, kind of weird if you consider how different we are physically.”

“So how old are you?”

“I am twenty-four years of age.” She sputtered on air.

“WHAT? You're older than I am!? But you're so.. so...

“Immature?”

“YES!” I chuckled at her reaction.

“That's the thing with the males of my species, we don't stop being kids. We just get better toys.” I put on a genuine grin this time. “So, does the purple unicorn before me have any ideas on where I could starting earning cash moolah?” She quirked an eye.

“I'm going to assume you mean bits, and I do have an idea on where you can get started in the right direction. Follow me.”

She started off down one of the side streets at a quick trot and I quickly adjusted my pace and direction to keep up with her. Maybe by the end of today I'd at least have a direction to point my life in.