The Tale of The Stone-turner

I frowned at the limited options before me. Twilight had led me to a bulletin board in the town square before she returned to the library. Apparently it was a help wanted board and Ponyville did not want much help. Hmm, help wanted to clear the skies on weekends. Maybe if I learned to control my powers.. images of giant falling cloud rocks filled my mind. No, but if I ever have to crush a really big bug, I will be leading it under a cloud. Let's see what else is there, taxi puller needed.. nah don't know enough to get around town quickly yet. Delivery pony needed, same issue. Enhance your stallion-hood in ten easy- NO! I don't even think this is the place for that kind of poster. Oh ho ho what is this? 'Somepony capable of resolving disputes needed, must be large and intimidating. Contact one of the Brew Brothers at the Salted Stallion anytime during normal business hours.' I'm not a great mediator, but I can solve arguments much better than I can clear a cloud. And I am considered large and intimidating to the ponies, this one may just be what I'm looking for.

“Hah! This one looks promising!” Several ponies in the square stopped their normal routine to take a glance at me or raise an eyebrow. “OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!” I waggled my fingers menacingly at the ponies who looked towards me. Many of them quickly took off, scared, but several others just had a quiet laugh and continued on their way. I am definitely making progress.

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SALTED STALLION!? I followed the fifth set of directions I received to another dead end. Apparently everypony knew of the Salted Stallion and how to get there, but not a single one knew how to actually give directions to the damned place. An older pony had even told me that in order to get there I had to 'have my heart broken by a pretty young mare with more sass than class and if I moped sadder than a featherless griffon I would find my way there'. That's helpful.

I had begun to aimlessly roam the streets in search of the Salted Stallion, I couldn't find it with directions anyway. Fifteen minutes later and there I was, in front of a large wooden structure that had an air of 'this is a tavern' floating about. I assumed it to be the Salted Stallion from the sign with a salt shaker being levitated over a pony, that or it was a meeting place for cannibals anonymous. I took a deep breath and smacked my nose into the front door, damn thing was a pull. Grumbling and rubbing my hand against my face, I pulled the door open and strode inside the building. I don't even understand why ponies would have doors swing in one direction, they aren't exactly capable of easily pulling a door with their hooves and twisting the knob would be difficult with their mouths. Maybe it was some sort of sobriety test? If you can't pull open the door, you're already drunk enough.

I shook off my thoughts as I took in the interior of the tavern, whoa, I wasn't really surprised to find the place very much resembled a bar. Long counter with pony patrons, tables in the middle with booths in the back, stairs leading to who knows where and dingy looking bathrooms, I had expected all of that. But something had surprised me, it wasn't anything tangible it was more of a feeling.. the atmosphere of the place maybe. It didn't feel like Equestria, in truth I had barely noticed it until I was in this world for a week, but everywhere the air felt more.. at peace. This place right here though.. it felt like Earth. I wanted to get this job badly, whatever dispute resolution these 'Brew Brothers' needed, I wanted to be their go-to Stone, the air in here just feels so much like home.

I spent about half a minute standing in the doorway like an idiot before I decided it would probably be a good idea to ask the bartender or somepony if I could speak with the 'Brew Brothers' about this job opportunity. I moved towards to the bar, nodding to anypony that stared at me, which was most of them.

“S-something I can do for you, s-sir?”

I looked over the counter at the frightened bartender-pony, he was moderately size pony with a sort of speckled gray coat and a well kept black mane, I could just barely make out a horn under his mane, but that doesn't matter for this pony had the greatest thing I have ever seen on a pony. This pony had a magnificent facial decoration, this pony had a mustache. A great manly or maybe stallionly mustache, nice and thick, that followed his muzzle and wrapped itself clear around his ears. Why would this pony fear anything when he had such a powerful tool at his disposal?

“Why yes, yes there is my good stallion. I was wondering if I would be able to speak with the Brew Brothers about their poster on the help wanted board.”

“Y-you want the job!?” I nodded. The pony looked me up and down several times and then broke into a grin that actually freaked me out a bit. “Ohoho this is gonna be great, I can't wait to see their faces. Quickly go down the hall behind that door and wait in the room at the end of the hall. I'll go get your interviewers.” The pony quickly went around the counter and trotted up the stairs.

“Well.. alright then..” I followed the directions I was given to a very business centered room, large desk, lots of paperwork... no chairs.. I sat my ass on the ground, leaned back against a wall, and waited. I closed my eyes to relax while waiting.

“Feast..”

Huh?

“Feeassst...”

What?

“FEAST!”

I jerked myself away from the wall and quickly got to my feet, my eyes now open and searching the area. Still in the office, nopony around. I must have fallen asleep. I shook my head, that was.. weird. Voices began to drift in from beyond the door to the office.

“So who exactly is it that wants the job?” Well they sound very important, definitely one of the Brew Brothers.

“I said you'll recognize and that's all I'm saying.” That's the bartender's voice..

“But Stale, why are you being so secretive?” A third voice, must be the other brother.

“Micro, I want to see the look on both of your faces. I doubt you'll find anypony as intimidating as our applicant.”

“I won't believe it till I see it, unless you tell me our mystery applicant is Big Ma-a-a-aaaaaa-”

The door to the room opened to reveal three unicorn ponies, one of which being the bartender. I put on my expression of the eternal imbecile and gave a little wave. The large unicorn in the back, who looked very much like a brown rhino wearing a dirty blonde wig and his horn in the wrong place, seemed as though he would faint on the spot.. I was not going to rush forward and catch him if he did, that big boy might crush me. Meanwhile the somewhat short unicorn in front, bright yellow coat with a leafy green mane, could only continue to repeat the same 'ah' sound as his mouth moved open and shut. I stopped waving as the door was covered in a light orange glow and slammed itself shut.

“Why the hay is the Stone-turner in my office!?”

“That's our applicant!”

“You're joking.”

“Honest truth.”

“Why in Equestria would the Stone-turner be applying to work?”

“Maybe we should ask him that during the interview.”

“R-right..”

“You're afraid aren't you?”

“NO!”

“Then let's go get this over with!”

“No wait, STALE!”

The door to the office swung back open and the bartender pony led the other two unicorns into the room. The mustachioed pony then spoke.

“Sorry about the little wait there, I just had to get my brothers so we could conduct a proper interview.”

“Don't worry good sir, I can wait longer or come another time if you need.” Smile, maintain eye contact, be polite, don't fuck this up.

“No no, now is just as good as any other time.”

“Alright.. umm.. do I have to fill out any sort of application or something?”

“No you don't need any sort of paperwork. This will be a simple chat between us and you to see if you qualify for the position.”

“OK...”

“So let's start with introductions!”

“Right, I'm the Stone-turner. Pleasure to meet you, sirs.”

“And a pleasure to meet you as well Mr. Turner”

“Stone, if you'd please.”

“Mr. Stone. And you may call me Stale, short for Stale Brew. These here are my brothers, Strong Brew” He motioned to the smaller unicorn, who had begun to rapidly look me up and down.“and Micro Brew.” The larger pony began shaking as I looked towards him. I politely said hello to each pony. “Now that introductions are out of the way, how do you feel that you are qualified for this job, Mr. Stone.”

“Err... Well, I get the impression that I am large and intimidating for ponies on a regular basis.. and I feel that I could mediate disputes if I tried.”

“Do you understand what kind of job you are applying for, Mr. Stone.”

“Not.. one-hundred percent.”

“*sigh* We need somepony who can restrain rowdy customers and remove them from the building before they can cause injury to themselves or another”

“Or break more furniture” Strong Brew felt the need to add to the conversation.

“You mean to say you have ponies with violent tendencies?”

“Normally no, but over these past couple months we have had to spend more bits on repairs than we've had to in the past three years. But that is beside the point, are you capable of restraining ponies?”

That was a good question, I could easily lift a pony. And they were still somewhat scared of me, so they probably wouldn't give me too much trouble if I told them to get out. Yea I could definitely do this job, if I get it, I think.

“Yes, I believe I am perfectly capable of restraining ponies.”

“Excellent! Now show us your best intimidating face...”

The rest of the interview went fairly smoothly. I was asked several questions, all by Stale since for some reason Strong and Micro elected not to speak, that I figured they were using to judge my personality.. or would they call it ponyality? Either way at the end of it I was informed that I had the job starting tomorrow, woo. Walking out of the tavern and making my way in the direction I thought would take me to the library, I decided to go over the details of my new job in my mind. I would be paid 6 bits an hour, I assumed that was reasonable for this kind of work, and would be working from five in the afternoon to midnight. I had Sundays and Mondays off and was told that along with an employee discount on food and drink I would be allowed two free drinks a night, one for myself and one to give away. I was one step closer to being a functioning member of pony society.

I looked around, paying attention to my surroundings for a change, I had somehow found my way into the park on the opposite end of town from the library.

“Fuck.”

I let out a small sigh and took a look around to see if I recognized anypony in the park, maybe I could just get somepony to lead me back to the library since I am apparently hopeless with directions. Hmm, there's Rainbow sleeping in a tree.. Nah don't want to wake her just because I'm lost as hell. Hey that's my dance partner from the party over there.. Wait, he looks like he's having a picnic with somepony, ooh that looks like a date. Good luck with that gray pegasus my unnamed dancing buddy, I shall find somepony else to disturb. Aha, there's that teal unicorn again! And she doesn't seem occupied with anything other than sitting, maybe I can get her to show me the way to the library and satisfy my curiosity at the same time. Assuming she doesn't scream and run off again.

About fifteen feet from the unicorn she noticed I was strolling towards her. Aw, she's panicking. The unicorn's eyes had widened to an almost comical degree, and she was visibly shaking on the park bench.

“Oh come on, I can't still be that scary. I've been here for a couple days and I haven't intentionally destroyed anything. Besides we've technically met before and I didn't do anything sinister then did I?” The unicorn seemed to relax slightly as I continued approaching, but not by much. “Here, let's start out on nice civil foo- hoofing?” I held out a hand to offer a shake, forgetting completely that I would need to figure out how one shakes a hoof with a hand. “I am called The Stone-turner, it's a pleasure to meet you.” The pony just stared at my hand for a moment before her eyes actually doubled in size and her mouth dropped into a slightly opened position. “Um, little teal pony.. Are you OK?”

“It's.. It's beautiful.....” The pony was speaking barely above a whisper.

“Huh?”

“C-can I really touch it?”

I looked from the pony to my hand then back again. This pony clearly saw something interesting about my hand. Every time I think this weird world seems a little more normal I get one of these damned curve-balls. I would probably regret my next words.

“Yes you can, miss?”

“ Lyra” She gently grabbed my hand between her hooves and began to run the edge of one in small circles along my palm. “What do you call one of these?”

“It's my hand...”

“Haaaaannnnd...” Lyra sighed dreamily.

“Yes.. Hand.” I felt an odd tingling as the unicorn began to magically clench and open my fist for me and 'tested' the range of my finger's movement. Ow. “Lyra.” I carefully pulled my hand back away from her and was thankful the odd tingle stopped. “Let's try not to break my hand, please?”

“OK.” Her ears drooped and she made a genuinely sad face. “I'm sorry.” Great now I get to be both weirded out and feel like the bad guy, damned adorable ponies. I cracked my knuckles in slight annoyance at being unable to win. “They.. they can make music too?” Her ears had perked back up.

“Wha- no not really...” This little unicorn was really starting to make me uncomfortable. “Unless you really stretch the definition of music.”

“Oh..” Her ears dropped back down and she made a very pathetic looking face.

“Ugh.” With a defeated groan I held my hand back out. She quickly let out a squeal of glee and went right back to examining my hand and feeling it up, this is fucking awkward.

After a short while she got it in her head she needed to know more about my hands and had begun to ask questions, mostly about things like what the bits splitting off it were, or what the hard parts were, or what kinds of bones and muscles were in it. Eventually I had enough of the oddness.

“ Look, Lyra, I would love to.. continue whatever this is, but it is starting to get late and I feel I should get back to where I'm staying before the sun sets.”

“Oh.. OK....” There was that sad pony face again.. DAMNIT! *sigh*

“If you want, you can walk with me to the library and ask more questions.”

“Really!?”

“Lead the way.” I motioned towards the park exit and she quickly got onto all fours.

I made several internal cheers as we reached the library. The walk had been.. interesting. The whole way I had to answer more hand related questions, which wasn't so unnerving as the fact that Lyra kept 'accidentally' stumbling or tripping and each time ended up nuzzling against my hand as she fell into me. The first time was cute, the tenth time it was just creepy.

“Well then, here we are.” I quickly strode towards the door. “It was nice to meet you and our walk was.. different, but this is where we should part ways.” Once more with that accursed sad face, GRAAAGH. “But maybe we'll see each other again soon, it is a small town after all.” I then did something I probably should not have even attempted, I reach towards the unicorn and I gently scratched behind her ear... Well fuck me, she just passed out. Eyes rolled back, tongue lolled out, leg twitching, grin stupid enough to pass for mine, passed out in the dirt. Fucking hand fetish pony. I SHOULD probably have done what any decent person would do and took her inside the library, instead I did what any sane person would do and whistled nonchalantly as I squeezed my way inside and pretended fiercely that I had nothing to do with the unconscious pony outside the front entrance.

“Hey Stone.” Twilight looked up from a book she was reading while situated at a small work desk to the side of the room. “How did the job searching go?”

“I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!” I spread my arms across the library door, my subtlety surpassed only by my lack of sound judgement.

“Nothing to do with what exactly?” I got a raised eyebrow from Twilight.

“Err... OH! I managed to get myself a job today!”

“Really! That's great news!” Distraction successful. “What will you be doing?”

“I am going to be......... A drunk dumper at the Salted Stallion!” I puffed out my chest.

“A.. drunk dumper?”

“Yup, it's my job to make sure any ponies who get too wasted don't injure themselves, others, or the furniture.”

“That's.. great..”

“You think it's a bad job?”

“No, not at all. Somepony has to do it.. I think. Just, try not to hurt or petrify anypony. Please?”

“Twilight! I would never intentionally harm a pony!”

“I know, I know... But things seem to get out of hoof if you're involved.”

“Don't worry, I will do my very best ensure nothing gets out of control. You have my word on it.” She let out a sigh.

“I guess I'll just have to trus-

“Twilight! Somepony's unconscious in front of the library!” Spike's voice interrupted from outside the door. Twilight's eyes widened before giving me a glare so hard I was fairly certain she could actually use it to kill me if she chose to do so.

“What did yo-

“I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!”

At least thirty minutes and a severe verbal beat down from a purple unicorn later. I was sitting beside a couch that I was forced to drag into the main room. Which Lyra was laying on, who I was forced to carry in, now awake but incredibly red in the face. While Twilight was pacing back and forth in front of the couch and Spike was somewhere up the stairs, having decided he wanted nowhere near the disaster zone about to be created.

“So you're telling me.” For about the nineteenth time. “That all he did was touch you behind the ear, and it cause so great a reaction that you passed out.”

“In what looked like ecstasy” I added helpfully. I wonder if I'm skilled enough at juggling to handle those daggers she's glaring at me.

“Y-yes...” Lyra's ears were flat against her head as she stared down at the couch cushion between her forelegs. Her face was still completely flushed. “I'm- *sniff* I'm sorry for.. for..” The poor unicorn looked like she was going to break down completely right on the couch.

“Lyra.. You didn't do a thing wrong. You have nothing to be sorry for or ashamed of.” Twilight move towards her and gently placed a hoof on her side. “Stone on the other hoof!” She quickly turned her gaze towards me and made me shrink back a little, damn I wish I could petrify myself just to get out of this. “You should have not done that to a mare and then just left her out in public for everypony to see.”

“I'm sorry alright! I panicked and made a bad decision!”

“I don't understand how you could think rationally enough to carry a passed out pegasus home after a hydra attack but not enough to take an unconscious unicorn inside after YOU make her faint.”

“The hydra attack was life threatening! This was just uncomfortable to an extreme degree. I handle these types of situations differently.”

“How the hay could that make you uncomfortable when you are willing to act out 'Stallions and Saddles' in public!” Lyra's face somehow found a way to turn even redder at the mention of the book series.

“First of all, my joking about a book series and what just happened outside are two completely separate animals.”

“They aren't animals..”

“IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH!” I took a breath to calm myself back down. “Secondly, it is much more disturbing when it is happening to you and you are unprepared for it.” Twilight let out a defeated sigh.

“I can understand that. But that doesn't mean what you did was the right way to handle it.”

“I know that Twilight, and I am sorry for what I've put both you and Lyra thru this evening.”

“I am willing to forgive you right now Stone, BUT only if Lyra is ready to forgive you as well. SHE is the one you really wronged tonight.” I turned towards Lyra and gave her the most pleading look I was capable of.

“I accept your apology Stone.” Whew, thank you Lyra. She then pressed her face down between her front hooves as she continued to speak. “But only if you let me look at your hands again sometime.” Damn it Lyra.

“Thank you.. for being so forgiving.. Lyra..” I strained my words out thru gritted teeth, if my eyes weren't already red the ponies would easily be able to tell I had ruptured a blood vessel in my right one.

Twilight then did the unthinkable, she insisted that since it had gotten so late into the day Lyra should stay for dinner. I had never even considered drop-kicking a pony before. After a somewhat awkward dinner of salads, during which I would swear Lyra spent more time watching how I used my hands than actually eating, the teal pony departed from the library and Twilight closed the door to the tree with a great sigh.

“And there for a while I thought the hydra was the biggest problem you've cause.”

“Hey, that wasn't entirely my fault either!” Twilight just gave me a look that clearly stated she didn't believe that for a second.

“We'll talk about this more in the morning, let's just put the issue to bed for tonight, alright?”

“Fine, besides I don't even know why this happened. All I did was reach over” I moved to demonstrate. “And scratch behind her ear, then she passed out just.. like that..”

Twilight had dropped much like a pony-shaped sack of potatoes and had a very similar expression to the one Lyra wore when she passed out. The hell? I'm pretty sure Twilight doesn't have any sort of hand fetish. So is behind the ear some sort of.. OH SHIT, when she wakes up...

“SONOFABITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!”