The Tale of The Stone-turner

With a yawn I awoke from my slumber and began to shuffle towards the stairway. As I reached the stairs I began to awkwardly stumble up them. I opened the door and grimaced at the bright light. Looking around the room I actually began to take in the details of it. Books. That was essentially the entirety of this room's existence, sure there was a door or two and a staircase but aside from that it was walls of shelves stocked with books upon books of varying sizes, colors, and thickness. Turning around to take in a full appreciation for how many books there were I heard a small noise. Spinning back to face the center of the room I looked down and spied something quite odd. Standing in the middle of the room was a small creature, it had purple scales covering it with green spines running down its head to its tail with a yellowish/green underbelly. It was either a very large gecko or a very small dragon.

“Are y-you The Stone-turner?” Ah, it can speak, excellent. Slowly I hunched down so I was looking it dead in the eyes, maintaining the greatest lack of emotion I ever had. The lizard/dragon looked scared.

“Yes, yes I am. Might I trouble you for directions to the bathroom?” This creature looked slightly more curious then scared now and pointed at a door.

“Down that hallway, second door on the left.” With a nod I rose and took long strides to the bathroom and my morning relief. Once fully relieved I shook twice, no more no less, and returned to the main room to find the dragon still in the room.

“So where's Twilight at?”

“Oh, she's uh.. out talking to the mayor, she said that when you woke up I was suppose to tell you to stay here until she comes to get you.” I grunted.

“Alright then. I guess I'll stay out of trouble for today.” And with that I plopped onto my ass and sat cross-legged. “So then, what's your name?”

“Spike.”

“Well Spike, let's get to know each other.”

We talked for a bit before my stomach interrupted us and Spike got me some veggies from the kitchen. Apparently Twilight had hatched him at a young age, as some kind of magic test, and when I asked if that made her something like a young mom for him he laughed and said it made her more like a sister. As we ate I learned that dragons actually eat gemstones and so I made a very bold faced mental note to never ever antagonize him into biting me anywhere, might lose a limb that way. After finishing my vegetables, I thanked the little dragon for the meal and began on the next topic of conversation.

“So, what do you do in this library? I know you said you act as Twilight's assistant but what does that actually entail?”

“Oh, you know.” He began to relax as he leaned back on his tail. “I do things like organize the shelves, keep the place clean, and write and send letters to the princess weekly.” I raised a brow.

“You send letters weekly? What about?” Spike shrugged.

“Mostly just about things going on in the town and friendship reports.”

“Friendship reports?”

“Yea, every week Twilight and the others have to send a letter telling Celestia what they learned about friendship.”

“They have to learn a new fact about friendship?”

“Yea.”

“Each week?”

“Yea.”

“And send this information directly to the princess and co-ruler herself?”

“That's what I said.”

“What if they don't learn anything new?” He shuddered.

“Dude, you don't even wanna know.” I was about to press him for further information on the matter, when the door burst open and a very frazzled Twilight trotted in.

“Things are going well with the town's ponies I take it?” With a groan Twilight laid on the floor next to both myself and spike.

“There's no convincing them at all that you're not some filly snatching monster come to gobble them in their sleep.”

“How does turning ponies to stone even translate into THAT?”

“I don't know.” She lowered head and covered it with her hooves. “I swear they're so afraid of just the idea of you being in Ponyville, I can't even image how they'll react when they see you.” I could feel 'the monster grin of the morons'™ growing as she finished speaking.

“You know there is an easy way to find out....” I slowly got up and moved towards the front door.

“What are yo- NO!” I grasped the handle and began to pull the door open. “DON'T YOU DARE!” Out of sheer defiance I opened the door and stepped out into the world. Watch out Ponyville, here I come.

“THE HORROR THE HORROR!”

“It's a pleasure to meet you too mam.”

“THE CHILDREN, SOMEPONY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!”

“I'm sure you're a wonderful father sir.”

“IT'S SO HIDEOUS!”

“Well now, that's just rude.”

I had been strolling about town waving cheerily and trying to make somewhat polite conversation for an hour now. These ponies knew how to panic. Twilight had long since given up on trying to force me back to the library and instead opted to try and calm the citizens, poor girl. Spike on the other hand took the smart choice of remaining in the library until this whole thing blows over. This meant I could wander around aimlessly for the rest of the day in hopes that the ponies would grow tired of panicking and we could begin rational discussions on the situation. At this rate I may need a backup plan.

As I moseyed about I observed many similarities between Ponyville and the first pony town I had ever seen. Many small yet brightly colored homes with mostly straw like roofs. Places that were obviously of a business nature. A square full of market stands and produce. There was even a bowling alley, although how a pony is suppose to bowl is somewhat beyond my realm of understanding.

Continuing to make my path thru the chaos and disarray I noticed out of the corner of my eye a bit of yellow and red sticking out of a bucket. Curious, I stepped towards it to inspect it closer. Upon brief examination I discovered it to be the yellow rear end and red tail of a small pony protruding from the wooden bucket. Naturally I applied the scientific method by poking its flank to see if it would respond.

“Sweetie Bell? Scootaloo? Is that ya'll? Come on and git me outta this bucket before the monster comes ta eat me!” With a small chuckle I wrapped my hands around the midsection of the little pony and placed one foot carefully on the rim of the bucket.

“Now just calm down and hold still a second and I'll pull you right out.” The filly began to squirm in my grip.

“Who's that! What are ya'll doing back there!?” I tightened my grip and tugged.

“I thought I told you to hold still so I can free you.” With a small pop I pulled the filly free and spun it right side up so I could get a good look at it.

“Why thank ya mista-ah-ah-ah-” And here I thought the fully grown ponies were cute, little fillies blow them right out of the water. She had a big pink bow on her red mane and large orange eyes. Her accent seemed familiar someh-OWOWOW SWEET SUGAR COATED MARSHMALLOW BITES SHE FUCKING BIT ME! The sheer shock of it was enough to cause me to release my grip, fortunately for her, her jaws were strong enough to remain firmly attached around my arm and keep her from falling to the hard ground. This meant, of course, that I now had a small filly hanging from my arm by the teeth. I was not taking it very well.

“IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT SOMEPONY COME GET THIS THING OFF ME!” I was trying very hard not to flail my arm around for fear of injuring the young pony, but I desperately wanted it detached from my person. That was when I recognized the accent.

“Applebloom! What in the hay do ya think yer doin'!?” I turned to face Applejack, my arm with the soulless little growth outstretched.

“I believe this one is yours then?” She nodded.

“That there's muh sister.” Applejack turned her attention back to the small one. “Applebloom quit bitin' Stone.” She stopped to think for a second. “And apologize for bitin' em in the first place!” The smaller pony removed her jaw from around my arm and dropped to the ground before quickly running to her sister.

“But he's a monster that'll gobble us all up!”

“Now Applebloom I told ya'll last night he weren't no monster. He might be a tad thick headed but he's a decent.... non-pony.”

“I can hear you, you know. And my kind are humans.”

“Sorreh Stone-turner. Now your turn Applebloom.” Distraught the yellow filly moved towards me, her ears low against her head.

“Ah'm s-sorry I bit you Mr. Monster.”

“Applebloom!”

“Mr. Stone-turner.” With a warm grin I slowly crouched down. The pony cringed a bit as I patted her head.

“That's quite alright, you were very brave to fight me even though you thought I was a monster that would eat you.

Now, NEVER. BITE. ME. AGAIN.” With a small nod Applebloom trotted back behind her bigger sister and kept an eye on me.

“Ah'm mighty sorreh for that Stone, ya won't hold it against er will ya?” I waved her her worries off with a hand.

“Don't fret over it. She's just a young pony there's no reason to harbor any kind of grudge” I rubbed the red mark on my arm a little. “Just so long as she doesn't repeat the action.”

“Well that's mighty big of ya Stone-turner.” I would hope so, I'm nearly twice their size. “Now iff'n you'll excuse us ah'm gonna take her on home to keep her outta trouble during all this panic.” With that she began to lead the still wary filly out.

“Farewell Applejack!” I waved.

“Try not to ruin our town sugahcube!” That's a first.

“I'll try!” With a nod to myself I set out to resume my parade of 'look, I'm totally not a real threat'.

As the day wore on I saw less and less ponies out in the open, they must have decided that running around in terror was getting them nowhere and took to hiding inside instead. So I began making a list of non-threatening things I could do.

“Hmm, I could replant flowers. Although I don't actually have any potted plants to work with. I could sing, no I might shatter windows if I tried that. Bah this is way more difficult than it should be.” My list needed much work.

“HIYA STONEY!” And there goes my heart.

“H-hi Puh-Pinkie.” I know I was watching where I was going and the street was completely clear all down it. How the hell did she just pop up in front of me like that!? “What are you doing out and about? Didn't you hear, some kind of monster is in the town!” Pinkie let out a loud gasp.

“That's what all the other ponies were saying! You heard about it too!?” I grinned slightly.

“Oh yes, they say its bigger than any pony ever and that if it doesn't eat a pony it turns them into stone!”

“That's horrible what do they call it!?”

“THE STONE-TURNER!”

“Wait! That's your name!” I rolled my eyes and poked the pink pony on the snout.

“That's cause they think I'm a monster ya nut.”

“I'm not a nut, I'm Pinkie Pie.”

“I'm sorry, my mistake.”

“That's alright, Stoney.” With that Pinkie began bouncing down the street and with little else to do I followed along behind her.

“So then Pinkie, what are you doing?”

“Twilight told me to help calm down the town, so I was gathering everypony and telling them to go to town hall!”

“Why were you telling them to go to town hall?”

“Because, silly, if they're all in one place we can calm them all down at once instead of running around everywhere!” That... Actually makes a small amount of sense...

“Well if the plan to gather them is so you can calm them, how are you going to actually calm them?”

“Well I figured I could dump a bag of flour on myself, but I don't know if that works on a bunch of adult ponies.”

“What?”

“It's a long story.”

“Right, well if there is anything that will make them stop being so afraid of me I won't question how it worked so long as it did.”

“That's it!”

“What's it?” Pinkie moved around behind me and started pushing against my back with her fore-hooves, she's surprisingly good at balancing on her hind-legs.

“We'll just make them not afraid of you!”

“OK. How?”

“Easy, we'll show them all you're just silly and not a big scary monster!”

“So our plan is to throw me into an enclosed space with the entire population of the town inside and panicking over the fact that I'm in the town at all?”

“YEPPERS!” I turned on my grin of choice.

“That is so insane I have to give it a shot!”

“I know right!?”

“Let's go!”

And so we ran towards a large multistory building that had to be town hall. Twilight is so going to skin me alive after this.