“So a neutron walks into a pub and asks, 'How much for a drink?' to which the barkeep replies, 'For you? No charge'!” Moon Shine said around our fourth, or maybe fifth, round.

Twilight's turn had come for telling another joke, “Why should you never trust an atom?” She paused briefly before finishing, “They make up everything!”

“I do believe we have entered the realm of seriously bad jokes,” I said while snickering. “Why don't we take all the bad chemistry jokes, and barium?”

“Said the human, implying that there have been good chemistry jokes,” Sunny fired at me, rolling her eyes in spite of suppressing more laughter.

“He's right though, all the good ones... argon,” Retorted Moon Shine with a cheshire grin at her friend.

Sunny facehoofed and groaned. “Well, bad humor aside, we haven't really learned anything about you, Hoyt. What are your accolades or accomplishments back home?” the white mare asked, getting the focus of all paying attention on me.

“Ha! 'Accolades' eh? Heh, would you like to try for a topic which actually has some content available?” I asked in response.

Just as I registered the mostly shocked expressions of the ponies I had been talking with, my chair was suddenly turned almost completely around, and myself along with it. Before I could react, Applejack had a forehoof over each of my shoulders and her large green eyes were locked on my own. Suddenly her eyes grew much larger, and her breath dominated my nostrils with the scent of alcohol and apples, before a delicate impact landed on my face. Soft moist warmth connected with my lips, while warm breath mingled through my mustache. Pulling back, Applejack instructed, “Well don't be a limp fish now, kiss me back ya idjit.” Before I could respond, she had pressed the advantage of my preparing to say 'wait' with a quick upward brush across my lips, and her right hoof behind my head. My hands went to her shoulders reflexively to prevent falling backwards.

Grabbing the shoulders apparently was taken to mean 'dive on in' to Applejack, as my mouth suddenly found itself with a very unexpected guest. Apples, cinnamon, and high potency alcohol dominated my taste buds, while AJ's tongue dominated my mouth with a slew of sensations. As her tongue poked, prodded and rubbed around in my cheeks and against my own, my mind fell silent, letting go of control and allowed my instincts to take over. My hands started exploring the well toned musculature that they had found, and my tongue at long last reciprocated the attentions, and journeyed forth to play ambassador to the home of its guest in kind. After an amount of time that I have no measure of, she pulled away, leaving me to restart my thought processes.

“Huh, yeah you must be used ta a totally differ'nt kin'a gal,” She said, moving a hoof down to my knee. A quick push back on my shoulder, then another sideways on my knee, and I was suddenly facing the table again, with three ponies all slack-jawed. “Told you that ya jus' have ta start with a brush up to stop the whisker tickle. Now pay up Dash!”

“Wait, what?” I said before my chair teetered and fell backwards, taking me along for the whole ride. My head hit the floor, and the world started fading away to black.

“Oh no!”

It was a sunny day, and I was just enjoying myself and the feeling of driving along a twisty farm road. The wind in my hair, and bass in my ears, accentuated by the dual vortex of leaves in the rear view from the wind as I travel along. Suddenly a large animal jumps out of the trees ahead, a deer on an interception course with the front of my car. Quickly I notice a truck in the oncoming lane, eliminating evasion as an option. Slamming the brakes and releasing enough to prevent an uncontrolled skid, my left hand knuckles go white on the wheel as my right hand moves to downshift the transmission for even more stopping power... not enough as the deer freezes in my lane, scared of the truck. SLAM! The deer impacted hard into the grill and hood, thirty yards later I finally bring the car to a stop, deer still on the hood. Hitting the emergency flashers and shutting off the engine, I get out of the car, hands shaking with adrenaline. I walk forward to inspect the damage, and remove the newfound hood ornament, something is wrong. The deer, heavily injured though it is, is not dead, but suffering. The truck from earlier pulls up behind the car, red and blues flashing brightly as a familiar game warden steps out and approaches, “God damn it Hoyt, you almost made me mess my drawers. Ah hell, let's get 'er off your hood.” We each grab an end and lower the injured animal to the ground before I cover my ears, BANG! the shot brings a merciful end for the poor creature.

The bar was quiet as I sat, enjoying a frosty cold beer and watching those around the joint enjoy socializing. A young woman took a seat down the bar from me. Shortly a drunk redneck took the seat next to her on my side and started making obvious passes at her. As she continued to turn him down, I picked up on a belligerent tone from him, and decided to approach. Tapping him on the shoulder I said, “She's turned ya down a good dozen times or so, time to leave her alone.”

“Fuck off asshole,” he said with a push against my chest.

“Ma'am, do you want him to continue?” I asked her.

He butted in before she could answer, “And just what the fuck do you think you're going to do about it if I don't stop? Huh shitface?” His fist came swinging wide trying to hit my face. I caught it in my left hand, and crushed his jaw with my right fist.

The theater lights dimmed, and the chatter faded as the screen lit up for the start of the movie. It was an old film, but a classic romance made for couples to enjoy together, even if it was cliché. Raising my arms over my head, I stretched to get comfortable for the long sit, and brought my hands down intentionally not letting one fall around my date's shoulders. I struggled to muffle the grunt forced from me by her poke to my ribs, but softly chuckled and wrapped my right arm around her. We sat close as the movie played, and eventually the kissing scene approached, the timing is overused, but for good reason; it works. Moving my left hand to hers, that was on my knee, I tickled her jaw with my right, and whispered softly into her ear, “Wanna give that a try?” Turning to me, she wrinkled her cute little nose, and darted in for a quick peck. Grinning, we locked eyes as I brought my left hand up to lightly cup her cheek, and we both slowly approached, eyes closing for a blissful kiss.

I was enjoying a nice drive along a twisted farm road, speeding along and loving the sunny weather. Suddenly something jumps out of the trees just ahead, a pink unicorn on an intercept course with the grill of my car. Adrenaline kicks in as I notice that I can't evade due to a truck coming the other way. Moving quickly I slam the breaks enough to just start hearing the tires squeal, I lock my left hand onto the wheel and use my right to dropshift to minimize stopping distance... the unicorn froze in my lane as the truck crossed its path. BOOM! The mare slams into the front of my car, coming to rest on the hood as I came to a stop thirty yards further down the road. Turning on the emergency flashers, I jump out of the car and to the front, the heavy injuries and unsteady rise and fall of her chest unsettles me. I don't look, but am aware of the truck pulling up with lights flashing red and blue, and the trooper approaching. “Wow, almost puckered my seat watching that,” The officer said. Looking at the barely living unicorn he continued, “Well, let's get it off your car so we can end it quickly.”

“Wait,” something didn't seem right at all. “What? No! Let's get her into the passenger seat, I'll take her to the hospital!” Looking from me to the car and back, the law man raised an eyebrow. “German steel, it's good to go! We have to hurry!” I shouted, unsure why this strange creature had stirred such feeling.

'Not that strange.'

I sat quietly, enjoying a nice cold cider and watching all the other patrons of the bar having good times with their friends. Soon a young mare came to sit at the other end of the bar from me. A drunk stallion quickly took the seat closest to her on my side, and started trying to pick her up. She shot him down repeatedly, and soon his tone turned hostile, which prompted me to step in. Poking him in the shoulder I told him, “No means no. Move along.”

“Fuck you, dipshit,” he replied, pushing me back.

“Ma'am, do you want him continue?” I asked her.

“And just how the fuck are you going to stop me?” he asked, swiveling to kick ineffectively into my thigh. In response I slammed his head into the bartop.

As the walkway and seating lights faded out, silence fell over the gathered audience. Light fanfare played as the announcer trotted out to center stage, the night's story would be an old one, but one made to be enjoyed by couples together, an overused but romantic setting. Stretching my arms up over my head, I got ready for the long show, and set my hands on my own legs, waiting for a response and suppressing a grin. Muffling myself as a hoof jabbed into my ribs, I let my grin show and put my right arm around my date, pulling her close. We leaned into each other as the story was told, and soon the most cliché, and best, timing for a move came along; the 'lover's kiss' scene. I ran my right finger along her ear, and cupped in my left hand the hoof on my leg. “Care to show them how it's done?” I whispered quietly in her ear. She turned to me, scrunched her muzzle cutely, then briefly brought her lips to mine. Locking eyes once more, her hoof raised to my shoulder and my hand to her cheek as we closed the distance along with our eyes.

'Beautiful.'

'Why does my head hurt?' I opened my eyes, the room was very dark, lit by a lone candle. I lay where I was for a moment, letting my breathing catch up as my eyes started their attempts to focus. 'I must have crashed at a friend's place, that's a lot of books.' My head swam as I sat upright on the bed. More of the room was open to the right, so I lifted the blanket and shifted myself to the edge of the bed and sat there a moment, preparing to stand fully and search for the facilities. To my left was another bed, with a purple head of hair protruding from the covers. 'Must be Michelle's place, never seen her house that I recall.' Seeing steps down, I noticed no doors lead away from this elevated portion of the room, but two in the lower portion. Staggering to the doors, I opened the first to see a large blackness below, 'Must not be the right way.' The other door opened to a bathroom, so I stepped in and locked the door.

Stepping to the toilette, I made to sit down and nearly fell, 'Heard of high rise bowls, but low rise?' Once finished with my constitutionals, I washed my hands, and made to use the mirror and my fingers to get my hair and whiskers close to straight, but was bothered by how low it hung on the wall. Stepping back out, I realized how bare I was, just socks and boxers. With no small amount of urgency I started quietly looking around for a pile of clothes, soon taking the blanket from the bed and wrapping myself in that for decency's sake.

Soon I found a small coffee table in the room's lower area, with two piles of clothes, one my familiar cargo pants and striped shirt, the other a familiar looking green shirt and black something. Grabbing my pants, I moved to put them on, but noticed my belt missing, and decided to look through the pockets. Cell phone, yes, wallet, yes, pile of receipts and business cards, yes, tools, no? I started going through every pocket a third and fourth time to find many of my belongings that I carried missing. Getting restless, I decided to check the other pile, pocketless shirt set aside, I started to lift the black clothe, which unfolded until I pulled on the other end. Taking the solid end of the garment in hand, I found a small sturdy chain, and my belt attached, 'Curiouser and curiouser.'

Searching along the waist band, I found a large pouch attached to the chain, and inside was all my remaining stuff. Realizing the garment was a kilt, I decided to try it on, and head out for a smoke. Once dressed I noted how well the kilt and shirt fit, then looked for an exit, which revealed itself as I noticed the sky through a window/door to a porch, the sun was threatening to rise, the twilight of morning sparkling through the glass. 'Twilight? Sparkling? Why are those words ringing in my head?' I shook the thought loose as I delicately stepped over the silently open the patio door, and go out into the brisk morning air for my usual carcinogenic wakeup.

Finding no chairs, I sat next to the door and lit up, trying to remember the previous night's events, 'Never had trouble remembering a party before... then again, this would seem to be my first hangover too. What did I drink?' A strange deep tone seemed to come from everywhere, and nowhere, and it held for a long while. Soon I heard motion from inside, so I reached over and tapped a knuckle on the glass, to let Michelle know where I was. Suddenly the door opened and out stepped, “You're not Michelle, what are you?” I looked over the strange lavender horse, noting its wings and horn, “Ah, I must still be asleep, I hope Michelle doesn't, mind...”

'Little one, you are quite humorous, but you must awaken.'

'Whoever is running a tractor this close to my house at this hour is about to get a lesson in ordinance,' I thought, heavily annoyed by the cacophony of noise, and the actual shaking of my bed. Starting to get up, I realized that there was a weight on my chest, a weight which stirred at my efforts. YAWN “Oh, so you're actually awake this time?” an educated feminine voice asked, as the weight shifted and left my chest.

'Hold on the ordinance, what the fuck is going on?' I stretched out my arms over my head to find my motion limited by a headboard or something, and yawned deeply to kickstart my oxygen supply. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I then propped myself up to survey my surroundings; a window to my left, with scenery passing by, what looks like the bottom of a bunk bed above, and a lavender pony to my right, smiling at me. 'Lavender pony... What?'

After a while, her smile dimmed into concern, “Not this again, um, hello?” she asked cheerily, waving a hoof in front of my face. “You showed up in Ponyville yesterday, playing your instrument?” she asked, her tone suggesting I should know. My pulse and breath kept growing more rapid, she seemed to pick up on this, “Oh! I hope you're not claustrophobic! We're on a train, headed for Canterlot, Remember?”

Suddenly a few details came to mind. Though blurry, names started to come into focus, and a few oddly colored faces. I forced myself to calm down, and slowed my breathing as she stepped back. Bringing my hands over my face, I forced myself to speak my thoughts, “So, let me get this straight, you are Twilight Sparkle, Princess, right?”

“Oh good, you do remember!” She exclaimed, clapping happily with a wide smile plastered on her face.

“OK, so, yesterday; I met you and your friends, you have magic, a dragon named Spiked for a little brother, um...” I spaced out on recalling further detail. She stepped closer, and put a hoof on my shoulder. “Yees?”

“Trouble remembering?” she asked, concern in her voice. I nodded the affirmative. “Do you trust me? I can help,” She said with big, pleading violet eyes.

“Yes,” I said, fully certain of the sincerity in those large, generous orbs.

“This might feel weird, but relax,” She instructed, leaning in close to my face. No matter how much I kept watching for her head to tilt, it never did except forwards. My eyes crossed following the lavender spire approaching my face.

“GAH!” I jolted awake, “What happened?”

“Owwie,” Twilight said, rubbing at her horn. I failed to notice this as my mind flooded with the previous day's events; Ponyville, introductions, Spike, lunch, Rarity, Sweetie Belle, kilt and hat, the Cakes, wine, the party, cider, Applejack.

“How long was I out for this time?!” I asked, more than a little panicked.

“What? You weren't 'out' at all, I cast the memory spell on you, and then you jerked against my horn, which hurts a lot by the way. Ow.” She continued to hold a hoof to her harmed appendage.

“Oh shit, I'm sorry,” I apologized and moved to make sure she was fine. I was frozen halfway through my action however, as moving the blanket revealed that I was far more nude than before. “Fuck, I'm naked too! Oh, sorry again, um, where are my clothes?” I asked, holding the covers tightly around my middle.

Twilight's face lit up like a stoplight, “Eheh, that, those are on the bunk above you. I had to take them off for the cleaning spell. I'll be in the next car up with Rarity and Spike when you're dressed.” She flashed a plastered fake smile before darting towards the door I was facing. She stopped short and called back, “Oh, so you know, I had to use the spell to get rid of the smell of whatever that was you were burning on the porch this morning, and garments have to be removed for it to work. I didn't look anymore than necessary, I swear!” She then darted out the door and into the wind with amazing speed.

“Did her hair just catch fire? Mane I mean,” I asked no one in particular, half out of voicing my thoughts, half to see if anyone else was in the rolling box. “Anyone else in here?” I called with my voice raised, getting no answer, I leaned out to try for grabbing whatever I could without exposing myself.

Finally dressed again, and noting how my hair and clothes and everything all felt extremely fresh, I cautiously opened the forward door of the sleeper car. Squinting my eyes and bracing for the wind, I stepped into the strangely calm space between the cars, and then into the forward car proper.

“Ah, good morning Hoyt, so good to see you weren't seriously injured last night,” Rarity called as I entered. She was sitting at a table with Spike and a still blushing Twilight. “You know, you really had me worried darling.”

Noticing a generous amount of food spread upon the table, I almost became entranced, but manners dictated a response, “Well, you needn't worry about me ma'am, we humans tend to be quite resilient.” I smiled at her as I sat on a cushion at the table, resulting in a higher surface than normal for such activity, but I was not about to complain. I asked, “So which plate is mine? If I don't eat soon I'm sure to start scaring off local wildlife.” My stomach chose this time to release a very loud growl.

Snickering, Spike answered, “You probably did that already for half of the Everfree before we even left Ponyville! Just take a plate and chow down, we've all had our fill already.”

Without thinking, I grabbed the empty plate before me, used the tongs to dump a generous heap of several foodstuffs upon it, and started devouring the delicious stuff with reckless abandon.

Author's Note

I may have been a little vague with the last chapter's notes, so i'll rephrase, draw what conclusions you wish, I WILL be a smartass in the comments . But seriously I do thank you all for your kind words, and amusing antics, keep up the good work.

Many thanks yet again go to Sneaky for helping proofread and catch my typos, also for discouraging a particularly bad joke from the opening sequence, don't ask, and encouraging me to actually write this filth in the first place, go check out his stuff!