Why so serious?!

You are Anonymous.

You are currently being kidnapped by aliens. It's fucking horrifying! They teleported you magically into their freaky spaceship and you have a beautiful view of the warp-space mass-relay worm-hole what-the-shit-you-have-no-fucking-idea-what's-going-on.

You are alone in a room, only a big window shows you things no human should ever see. There are no doors, these squid-like fuckers just teleport themselves around and you with them if they please.

Two weeks have passed since you got kidnapped, these fuckers don't kid around.

Oh shit, speak of the devil, here they come again. You can hear the weird noise they make when they teleport, kinda like a mix of a banjo, a stretched rubber band and and the sound one would think throwing glitter around the place would make.

Holy shit, there they are.

There are two of them, one has light orange and the other one has a pinkish red coat. Big round eyes sit on top of their bodies, like two ping-pong balls, staring without blinking. They only have torsos, a weird toothless mouth runs down along their entire body length when open and when closed it just looks like a frown. They have countless thin tentacles hanging down their bodies and they also seem to float in the air. Not to forget their funny bouncy antennae.

“H-Hello? Please get me back to earth, or at least out of here. I need to move! I can't even stand straight without hitting my head!” your pleas are ignored, they start their crap again.

“Earth-Person.” one says bland, like he never spoke these words before.

They look at each other and start nodding “Yip. Yip. Yip.”

And the other one does the same “Yip. Yip yip yip yip.”

“Yip yip yip yip yip.”

“Yipyipyipyipyipyipyipyipyip.”

“Yipyipyipyip.”

Then they stop suddenly and look at you. They are small, you could probably squish them to squid-jelly if you wanted but who know what mad shit the others would do to you...getting thrown into the vacuum of space would be one of the merciful outcomes you've concluded.

Now that you think about it, they haven't done any harm yet. Except for abducting and cramming you into a room with no doors at least.

They actually seem rather pretty damn curious about everything. Not that it helps...

Just don't scare them, they hide behind their jaws, yes, behind their fucking JAWS, and are afraid for days...and you like food you know...

They talk more yip shit and poke you for reactions until a planet of some sort appears in the huge window.

The planet is gray and craters are all over the surface, the aliens waste no time to be in awe.

“OOOoooohhh.” they say simultaneously as they spot it at last, they seem pretty easy to impress...

“Earth.” the blue one says monotone.

“Earth. Earth. Hmmmm. Book! Book!” the other one says.

They proceed to stare into a tiny book that is only as big as one of their eyes. After a while the pink one first shakes his jaw left and right and then continues to shake his entire body in a denying gesture “Nnnnnnope. Earth. Nope Nope Nope Nopenopenopenope.”

The space-ship goes further and another planet appears, this time it's one with a ring around its equator.

“Aha. Aha.”

“Aha Aha. Ooooohhh! Earth!”

“Earth. Book! Book!”

“Book. Yipyipyip.”

“Yipyipyip.”

This is starting to annoy you...

After some reading the blue squid says “Aha. Aha... Nnnope. Earth.  Nopnopenope.”

To the next planet then.

They probably want to get you back home, you've been begging them from the start. Finally they seem to understand what you want from them at least. You have some stories for your folks back home! Oh boy! You can practically see it already!

Anonymous! He who made first contact!

Movie rights! Talk show invitations! Patents for alien technology!

You're going to be rich and famous! Aaawwwww Yeah!

The next planet comes into view...it's a gas giants.

“Earth. Earth. Yip yip yip yipyipyip.”

Fuck this shit!

You raise your voice, they don't understand a word you say, then maybe this will work! “Earth. Nope.” you say.

They look at you dumbfound "Ahaa. Ahaa." they say simultaneiously.

Without looking into their book they look at each other and 'Earth. Nope' the shit out of each other, then go on to the next stellar object. Did they understand that?

Blue water...green continents near the equator and frozen pole-caps...white clouds indicate an atmosphere.

“Earth! Yip! Yip!” you spout out happily.

Finally!

The squids look into their book nonetheless “Aha. Aha. Oooohhh.” then look at you “Earth. Nope nope nope.”

The pink squid taps on the book “Earth Book. Nope nope nopenopenope.” he yanks out another book from nowhere “Questria. E-Questria Book. Yip. Yip. Yipyipyip.”

“Yip yip yip yip.”

Oh for fucks sake.

“Earth. Yip yip yip.” you say “Drop me. Yip yip yip.” please let them get it! PLEASE!

You need to get out of here! ASAP! This tiny cabin is driving you crazy!

They 'Earth. Nope.' you some more but you keep telling them to let you out here yipyipyip, this is definitely earth! That planet with the ring was Saturn! And that first one was...some other planet from your system! What the hell do you know about stars and planets and shit?! You want out of here!

They finally yield as you get a little more aggressive about it, you don't like to scare these guys but you neither want to be around them anymore!

The ship lowers down into the atmosphere and FUUUUUUU...

The room you are in flips around a few times, the aliens elicit pained shouts as you fall on top of them more than once.

The space-ship gets jerked into one direction pretty hard and you smash against the window.

It breaks.

You fall.

The fresh air would be great if it wouldn't rush past you at an frightening speed.

It is hard to hear anything, even the little girl that screams...no wait, that's you!

Shit.

What is even worse than that is the ground coming closer.

Seems like this is the end huh? At least it will be quick...right?

Rainbow Dash almost jumps on the table as she finishes your story for Twilight “I instinctively knew something was wrong, and with Spitfire at my side I had a great chance to show off! Both of us heard the screams of a little filly so we-”

“I did NOT scream like a little filly.” you correct her stern.

Dash pouts with a huge grin “You can ask Spitfire if you want.” she says to Twilight while still looking in your eyes.

Twilight puts down the notebook, you told her the story a thousand times by now but she wants to know more.

Always.

Dash continues to tell her how you fainted and generally didn't show your best side. But hey! Realizing that you are dropped off on the wrong planet DOES justify a little freaking out, right?

When she is done embarrassing you, you address the next problem “I can I go now?”

“NO.” Twilight looks you sharp in the eyes “Not until I'm done, there are some more things I'd like to test.”

You extend your arms and throw your head back “You already did everything that's possible Twilight, you know more about humanity than I ever could! I just want to go home.”

“And who pays for that?” she answers smug.

Not that shit again, Celestia's prótege or not, this sucks! “It's only because no one gives me a job! If you would finally permit it I could move away from Ponyville and find one in the big Cities.”

Rainbow gets up embarrassed “I'll...take my leave then, bye.” and leaves. You watch her leaving a little too longing.

Purple Smart ignores it and instead puts on her worried face “Anon please, I need to finish my report on your species.”

Along with a heavy sigh you say “Fine. But make it quick, I promised Screw Loose to spend some time with her and I don't want to disappoint her again.” you make sure to look as accusing as possible at Twilight as you say that last part.

After Twilight found out how fast your nails grow you are finally allowed to leave, still can't believe why she has so much authority, she is a damned control freak if she can!

On your way back you see a fancy carriage parked a little secluded, those usually stay away from Ponyville...curiosity is a bitch!

As you close in on the black with gold trimmed earth carriage a suitable fancy pony gets off of it. You circle around the vehicle and eyeball the masterwork on four wheels.

“Get away from my carriage you peasant!” the fancy pony shouts at you “I don't want it to get dirty. Keep your ugly hands off my property, I can't believe I got out here personally, what a waste of time.” he says to himself.

You are stunned by his aggressiveness, the light green coated stallion pays no further attention to you and trots off.

What an asshole...

You make sure to touch every bump and crevice on the thing as soon as he is out of sight. As you examine the thing, just to mock that prick, you spy something good!

There is a fat pouch inside!

You look around carefully, no one in sight?

Good.

You grab the heavy thing and run off towards your home.

The timber-framed house with the overhanging upper floor and the thatched roof you share with Screw Loose comes soon into view, with a few joyful hops you make it to the door and enter.

You don't see see her anywhere, but that's good, hiding this baby is most important right now. That rich sucker may accuse you because he saw you near his carriage...

As you go to the loose plank no one knows about you take a look into the pouch: Full of bits baby, filled to the brim!

Hell yeah!

You don't even feel bad for stealing it from such an arrogant bastard! Ha Ha!

Also, you finally got some money, today is a good day! Hopefully it never ends!

Just as you are done hiding the stolen money and walk away from the plank, Screw Loose comes down the stairs.

The first time the two of you met she was stuck in a straitjacket, now she is completely rehabilitated. Her very light aquamarine coat and her light grayish mane with the two cute curls that fall on her forehead, accentuate her deep purple eyes perfectly.

Sometimes you get the feeling she is interested in you just to get tricked by her, she is a jester on Pinkie's level!

You rub the back of your neck with a guilty expression “Sorry, Twilight had her h-”

“No time!” she blurts out as she rushes down the stairs, a broad grin across her face “Come with me! I have a super good idea!”

Screw Loose rushes out the door and you after her.

You catch up with her “What's going on?” you ask while jogging next to her.

“We need costumes for this!” the look on her face is almost ecstatic.

“Costumes? Really? What we gonna do? Prank? Surprise? Rob a bank?!” you can't keep from laughing, Screw Loose sure has some crazy ideas sometimes...

“Something like that.” she says as you run over the town square.

Your eyes go wide “What.What.What?! That's fucking dangerous! We need more than just a cos-”

“NOT the bank robbery! The surprise you silly.” now it's her who's laughing “How did you even get that idea?” she asks playfully.

Shiiiiiiit.

You still feel a little like a criminal from stealing those bits...of course you can't tell her “Uhhh...I don't know. Just a thought. He he.” you give her a mediocre poker face.

Eventually you arrive at the Carousel Boutique, where else would you get a proper costume?

Screw Loose barges inside, sending the doorbell into a frenzied jingle, and you right behind her. Both of you stand still as the door closes behind you and listen intent for the trademark 'One moment please.' from the owner of the Boutique.

You wait...

And wait...

And wait some more...

“Maybe she isn't here?” your fellow asks while shrugging.

Then you hear some mumbling from upstairs, Rarity and...some stallion are arguing about something.

It's a very heated argument!

A door opens upstairs and both of you can hear the two trotting down while keeping up their battle of words.

Rarity says angry like you never heard her before “You can't do this! You are ruining me! Don't you have any decency?!”

“No. Apparently I do not. I still expect the payment or the deed of ownership for this Boutique. Either way I will get what I want you scarecrow.” then they come into view.

You almost lose your shit, it's that fucking snob with the fancy carriage!

“WHAT did you just call me?!” Rarity goes into rage-mode “GET. OUT. OF. MY. BOUTIQUE!!!” her hoof points to the door and her gaze would kill that guy if it were possible.

“I will stay in this dirt-hole for the next few days.” he puts his nose high in the air and moves towards the door “Money or boutique, your call.” and leaves.

Rarity moves towards her kitchen, anger written all over her.

Screw and you look at each other for a few seconds, then agree wordless to at least try to help your favorite fashionista. You walk into the kitchen to find Rarity sunken down on a chair, her face buried in her arms.

Opposite to your expectations you hear no sobbing.

Rarity may not be your best friend, but she is still a good friend, you will do anything you can to help her “What did that asshole want from you?” you ask as you approach her with Screw at your side.

Rarity's head pops up “My dignity!”

You sit down at her table and Screw sits next to you and asks “Your whahat?”

Rarara fixes her already perfect sitting hair and tries to look less angry “This was obviously a ruse, he tried blackmailing me with a fake debenture. Don't worry about it, I'll go straight to Twilight with this.”

Screw and you get kicked out and Rarity does as she said.

You forgot she doesn't need your help...she is one of the Elements of bla bla bla, they think they are so important...damn it, you just wanted to help her!

“Come Screw, lets do something else.” you say sulking.

She answers with a “'kay”

Over the course of the next week you witness how the mane six bust that snob, no hard feelings but still...you offered Twilight your help when she checked for the credibility of that note of debt, she turned you down of course.

By the time she had enough evidence half of Ponyville got blackmailed by him. Applejack and Rainbow Dash don't give a shit about your attempts to help them calm the populace and gather reports from the victims.

The same goes for Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy as they tracked him down after he fled, he didn't kept his nerves after the confrontation...

The guy now rots in a dungeon in Canterlot, he never even noticed that his money was missing.

What no one knows is that you are heartbroken after this, you wanted to show off for a reason.

The reason has a rainbow mane and her favorite word is 'awesome'.

A normal approach would be pointless, she has a horde of admirers since she became a Wonderbolt. You need to impress her in some way to get her interested in you...somehow...but with the rest of the elements constantly around her and not to forget her own incredible talent...

It seems impossible.

Only a truly heroic deed would draw her attention, something that is also important to her...

Maybe...no, there is nothing you could do at the moment, nothing is going on. Not to mention you aren't even allowed to leave Ponyville until Twilight permits it.

Shit, this crap is hard. You can't do a damn thing!

But if there is no problem you can help her with, why not create one?