Why so serious?!

Another day, another newspaper.

You pick it up and read the title on the way back to your breakfast

A broad grin stretches across your face, finally you have a chance to get close to the one you secretly adore!

You place a palm over your smile to hide your excitement from Screw but can't help but let out a few chuckles she notices.

“What's so funny?” she asks curious over her oatmeal.

“The jokes page is pretty good.” you crack a nervous smile as her eyes narrow a bit.

“The Foal Free Press has no jokes page you know?” Busted!

“Okay, okay. Here, take a look.” you hand her the newspaper “I just found it funny how the Elements of Harmony always get into trouble.”

Screw Loose reads over the article in a hurry, then shrugs and says “Well, I'm sure they find a solution to their problem.” she shovels a particular overfilled load of oatmeal into her mouth and continues with a full mouth “'ey alwaish ro.”

You are sure they will...but they need your help, you are the only one who knows where they are hidden...Muhahaha!

You are so brilliant!

You should've done this much sooner, Rainbow Dash will be like 'Omygosh, Anon, you are so tough and manly, please be my special somepony!'.

Yes!

This plan cannot fail!

An hour later you make ready to go to Twilight, offer her some help and be the hero of the day!

On your way to the library nothing seems off, Ponies do what they always do. Bon Bon and Lyra hang out together, the CMC are walking around figuring out how to get a cutie mark, oh yeah, it's weekend, almost forgot since you have no job...

The market is full of life, heh, the fancy prick's carriage has a wheel clamp, a few pegasus fly around and-

Oh god, what is wrong?

You start sweating, sure, it's a warm summer day but not THAT hot, a cool breeze blows away the burning heat from the sun.

You look down to see that your palms are sweaty as hell, why are you so nervous?! You even tremble a bit!

Shit, calm down man, calm down.

It's only a little prank to get Rainbow to notice you. Nothing big, like a fucking huge serious crime, right?

“Yer alright?” startled, you whirl around.

Applejack stands there smiling like nothing happened, fuck, what if she-

Wait, she doesn't know it was you, calm the fuck down already!

With a shaky voice you answer her “Yes, everything's fine. I'm just a little nervous.” as long as you don't lie you should be alright.

You head to the pool with the statue, Applejack following you and striking up a conversation “Did'ya hear? Elements of Harmony got stolen.”

“I read it in the newspaper earlier.” you answer her.

Applejack takes off her stetson, gets up on two legs and leans on your shoulder. Her stetson covers both your faces from the outside world, mostly, and she whispers “Ah think they're not stolen, Twilight ain't the tidiest mare, know what ah mean?”

With a cheeky smirk on her face she gets back down and with a lot of barely suppressed chuckles and giggles you reach the pool, wash your hands and face and together with the tan mare you continue to Purple Smart's place.

Rid of all nervousness, you are sure and full of confidence that this will go smooth.

And after all, Rainbow Dash will be yours! HA! HA!

AJ knocks on the tree-house's door and lets herself in, you follow her. Inside are the rest of the elements, not the jewelry, the ponies.

The broken glass vitrine is still exactly like you left it the night before after stealing Rainbow's necklace and Twilight tiara.

You glance over to Dash, she sits on Twilight's couch and idly looks around, her gaze almost meets yours but you look away quick enough.

Twilight starts right away “Okay, now that we're all here we can...” her eyes fall upon you “Anon?”

“Yes?” you answer her innocent.

“Would you mind leaving, this only concerns us.” she says bland.

“B-But I want to help!” you blurt out.

Twilight looks annoyed “Anon, please leave.”

“Let me help Twilight, please. Don't do this to me, I've got to do something, I'm bored out of my mind!” you say almost frantic.

“No Anon, this could be dangerous. We don't know what we are up against, I don't want to put you in harms way.”

Arrrghh! Nooo! Why is she so stubborn!?

“There is nothing dangerous about missing jewelry, please let me help damnit.”

Twilight, Applejack and Pinkie Pie look at you with what you assume can only be suspicion.

After a few moments of getting stared at, you yield “Okay, but let me know if I can do something!”

You retreat to the door and close it from the outside, but wait and eavesdrop on them.

You hear Twilight talking to the others through an open window “Now THAT was weird, he's never been so clingy. Anyway, we need to to figure out where the missing elements are.”

“But how?” Rarity asks.

“Easy-peasy! We take hoofprints!” somehow you know that Pinkie is wearing a deerstalker hat and has a pipe in her mouth, blowing bubbles all over the place with it.

Twilight answers “Good idea Pinkie, I'll just use a spell and...” you hear the noise of magic happening.

It sounds like they are all getting up, when the sound of magic dies down you can hear a few gasps.

Rainbow asks “What IS this?”.

“I'm not sure, but those are some prints for sure...hmm...it almost looks like...”

You don't hear the rest, you are too busy running!

SHIT!

You KNEW it! You should have worn FUCKING GLOVES!

Twilight has a fucking book about you, it won't take long for her to figure out whose fingerprints those are!

Shitshitshit, you are FUCKED!

You hurry home, Screw is already out in her workshop the street down. Her special talent is finding loose screws so she had no problems finding an appropriate job.

You lift the plank and take the big pouch with the two elements and-

Fuck, you need to hide them somewhere else! And quick!

Fuuuuuck! Why is this happening!

Okay! Okay!

Step 1: Calm the fuck down! You still have a little time before they know it was you.

You sit down on your couch and take a few deep breaths.

Step 2: Think! You can still succeed with your original plan, you just need someone you can frame!

The fancy prick! Of course! His carriage is still around and waits to get towed, put the stuff inside the carriage and you can tell them he threatened you! No one will believe him if he denies it!

You put the stolen elements back under the plank and walk to the carriage, scouting the way. You can't get caught with a suspicious bag full of magical jewelry, every pony reads newspaper.

On your way you meet Rose, Granny Smith and Apple Fritter, Thunderlane, Cheerilee, Minuette, Dr. Whooves, Twinkleshine, oh god, there are ponies EVERYWHERE!

This is bad!

The most nerve wrecking hour of your life later you try again. This time you meet even more ponies. You also can't just take a detour, your house is too far inside Ponyville.

Twilight will bust you! You will be branded as a criminal and Rainbow Dash will hate you forever, not to mention all your other friends!

Screw Loose will kick you out and Celestia will kick you into the dungeons.

Your life is ruined! You want to curl up into fetal position and cry for the rest of the day, or the week, or your life.

But you can't.

Bad luck is too busy fucking you deep in the ass. The door swings open.

Twilight, Applejack and Rainbow dash into your house.

Worst case Scenario just happened.

You want to die so bad right now and the knot in your stomach feels like it is trying to accomplish that.

“Hello Anon, how're you doing?” Twilight asks you friendly und completely casual. The rest of their behaviour is completely not casual though.

Their eyes dart around the place, Rainbow is already looking through several drawers at once and Applejack and Twilight walk right in front of you.

It already feels like you are in court “H-Hello ladies, c-can I help you somehow?” you make the probably worst pokerface you ever did.

“Well Anon, yer offered yer help right?” AJ asks with a tiny grin.

The blonde and the purple mare sit left and right to you, meanwhile Rainbow Dash is done with your kitchen corner and shrugs to the mares around you “Nothing but saucers and pots.”

“Look in his bedroom, Rainbow.” Twilight says “And don't forget to look under his bed.”

A drop of liquid nervousness runs down your cheek “Oh god, not under the bed!” your playpony collection! NOOOOOO! Not Rainbow Daaaash!

You stand up, but Twilight's magic pushes you back down on the couch.

Your reaction gave Rainbow a huge devious grin, she knows that there are the elements or something similar important.

Now you wish you hid the magazines under the plank and the elements under your bed...

You bury your hands in your face as you hear Rainbow breaking out into a bellowing laughter upstairs.

Now she thinks you're a pervert...great.

“Anon, why did you do it? I thought we were friends?” the purple mare asks you.

They haven't found anything yet, apart from a few fingerprints they have nothing and you have been in the library almost daily since you arrived here.

No matter whose protegé Twilight is, this isn't enough evidence to get you behind bars! If they don't find them you will stick to the plan! You won't win Rainbow over like that but at least you can reduce the damage that way!

“Just give them back and we forget all about it, Anon?”

Oh right! The money you stole from that fancy asshole! You can say he paid you for it on top of threatening you, that way he forced you into complicity and your mouth shut!

Yes!!!

That way you are safe!

“Anon? He ain't listenin' Twilight.”

But the damage with Rainbow is done, nothing you can do there, damnit!

Dash comes down the stairs after an awfully long time with a lewd grin on her face “OUR elements were not under his bed.” she says mockingly.

You can feel your face redden.

“I'll be in the library Anon, come see me anytime if you have something for me. I'm...we are not angry at you.” Twilight says sympathetic.

You bite your lower lip as they leave “We all make mistakes Anon, we jus' have to admit 'em.” Applejack says as she leaves.

Rainbow leaves last, she avoids eye contact at any price. As she leaves you look at her rump, the rump you did all this for.

This perfect rounded ass that begs to be squeezed...

Now you will never squeeze it.

You lay down on the couch and relax, or try to. Measuring how bad this is going to be...you can't believe how hard you fucked it up...maybe you should leave Ponyville...or even Equestria. Heard that Griffonia is nice around this time of the year.

No, you will stick to the emergency plan you came up with! It will explain everything and your reputation won't be killed, no way you will admit your mistake. Under normal circumstances you would but...Rainbow Dash!

Damn.

The rest of the day is spent in a deep pool of doubt, anxiousness and frustration.

You avoid Screw and go to bed, but you don't sleep. Not even if you tried you could, not as long as the elements are under your living room.

So you wait. The night comes agonizingly slow

When the moon is bright you deem the time ready.

You take a big black pouch and pull it over your head, it's a tight fit. The two holes you made align perfectly with your eyes and a cord holds the whole thing firmly in place.

Even though everyone will know who you are if they see you, it still gives you a pleasant feeling of being incognito.

A fitting dark outfit and you are ready.

You sneak downstairs, careful not to wake Screw in her room and go to the loose plank. As you open it you hear a sound you cannot describe and startled you look at the door and the windows, expecting a nightmarish creature.

Nothing.

That sure sounded scary. A mix of brushing and squeaking, never heard something like that...

Not letting the door out of your eyes you grab the big pouch and put the plank back into place, bind it to your belt and go to the door.

Night sounds can be frightening, stop being such a pussy!

The night is warm outside, no wind blows and nothing moves.

Without further ado you sneak as fast as you can to the location of the carriage, the way is long and you can't shake the feeling of being watched.

You walk and walk, you can't help but notice that Ponyville feels unreal. There is usually so much going on, but now there is not a soul to be seen. It feels...peaceful. The night does things...

After a long and sneaky walk you finally reach the place...the carriage...isn't there. B-But...

No.

No!

NOOO!

“Gotcha!” Rainbows voice sounds “Hand over the elements Anon, it isn't funny anymore. It never was, this is serious man. Just give them to me and I'll let you walk away.”

“No.” you answer short.

Everything is lost now anyway.

Dash lands and furls her wings, one of her eyes narrow “You can't be THAT stupi-”

“I'm not Anonymous! I don't even know someone with this name.” you say bland.

“You can't be serious.” she says, skepticism written all over her face.

You answer stern “Turn around and I'll let you walk away from this.”

“Give me the elements or I'll tell everypony what is under your bed!” she says with an evil glint in her eyes.

You hesitate for just a second “I don't know what you're talking about.” good thing Applejack isn't here...

Dash crouches down a little and growls “If you want to do it the hard way, fine!”

You ready yourself to wrestle her into the next plane of existence.

For an eternity you circle each other slowly, Rainbow is grinning evilly and eyes you like a predator.

You make plans how you can get rid of her without hurting her, but that isn't exactly easy, not with HER.

Intimidate her!

That's it!

You make the first move by lifting your right leg, lean forward and stomp on the ground as hard as you can, right in front of her face!

Before your sole meets with the ground she is already at your eye level, instinctively you grab her, but only catch her tail. Good that pony-tails are sturdy, otherwise this would hurt her.

Her momentum rips your arm high up but you manage to stop her, now you pull down as hard as you can. It's quite the task, Rainbow is sending her wings into overdrive.

Your second hand goes to her tail, you didn't expect her to have such...horse-powers!

“Grrr! Let go!” she growls angrily and pulls even harder.

You have to lean against her pull, it's a damn tug o' war!

After a minute your arms begin to tire out, Rainbow noticed your heavy breathing 30 seconds ago and pulled even harder, your feet cut furrows into the ground as she keeps pulling.

Fuck it.

Suddenly you let go.

Rainbow screams as she dashes into a wall.

“Had enough, Rainbow Pancake?” you mock her between your heavy breaths.

You just watch as she practically runs down the wall, is she...no.

Dash shakes her head and without warning jumps up and bucks against the wall. The sudden speed she gets out of this catches you flatfooted, she grabs the pouch on your belt but the knot holds, your footing doesn't.

You are sent flying until the cord of the pouch rips.

Bits are flying all over the place, sprinkling the entire surroundings with a golden shower.

Dash is dumbfound, she looks at the rapidly emptying pouch with her jaw dropped “You've got to be kiddi-”

You slip away around a corner and run through as many alleys and backstreets as possible.

Nothing in the world can describe your feelings. You must have grabbed the wrong pouch! You are happy you weren't caught with the elements, yet you lost two hundred bits!

Well, it wasn't your money anyway, and eventually it will make some ponies happy. You doubt that Rainbow will collect all those bits, she is rich enough, being a Wonderbolt pays off and stuff...

After you made sure that no one is following you, you sneak into your home.

You hide the pouch-mask under the plank, if they find that hiding spot you are fucked anyway.

After that you sneak into your bedroom and undress. That fall when she ripped the pouch away sure left some bruises...you have a big one on your left elbow and knee, ouch.