The Mare of Her Dreams

Twilight looked especially nervous as she wandered into Carousel Boutique. "Rarity... Could you help me out with something?"

"Oh, certainly, dear! Anything at all for my favorite princess! What is it? Big event coming up? Need a new dress to fit the occasion?"

"No, it's—"

"Feel like your saddles are too last-season and want to get caught up?"

"No, actually—"

"You need a new giant hat to complement your tiara?"

"Rarity, it has nothing to do with fashion!"

"Oh... Well I'm still happy to help... What was it you needed dear?"

"I want to talk to you about... a relationship..."

Rarity's eyes sparkled brightly. "Oh... Twilight, I'm... I'm so overcome... I don't even know what to say! Oh, we'll have to start planning the wedding immediately..." She levitated a piece of white fabric around her head to form a makeshift veil as she started sorting through a drawer full of dress designs. "Why, we'll be the most fabulous couple ever to get married in Canterlot, and you'll be able to invite all the most sophisticated ponies around!"

"No... Not with you..." Twilight remarked, her eyes following Rarity around the room with some concern. "Do you... actually like me like that?"

Without even missing a step, but with an ever-so-slightly disappointed look on her face, Rarity replied, "Darling, you're a dear friend, and in order to marry into royalty, I'd even be willing to suck... Uh... Oh... Never mind, I don't remember where I was going with that. Just joking, dear. Now... Tell me. What specifically were you meaning to talk about?"

"Well... It's about Rainbow Dash..." Twilight paused, hoping she wouldn't have to say the full sentence for Rarity to put the pieces together.

"Oh... Yes, I was wondering when this would come up. I hope you understand, Darling, that was just a single specific instance, that was repeated maybe one or two or seventeen other times. You know, just whenever Rainbow needed it. Or I was bored. I do solemnly swear that I will be mindful of the boundaries that you and Rainbow establish in your relationship."

"What?"

"Joking again, darling." Rarity offered with a disingenuous laugh.

"Are you saying that you and Rainbow—"

"Could you please get to what you were specifically asking about?" Rarity hissed through a fake smile.

"It's just... I kind of have feelings for Rainbow Dash."

"Really, Twilight?" Rarity asked, her head tilted forward, and her eyelids drooping sarcastically, "I never would have guessed!"

"Well, It's true. I've been attracted to her for a long time, but lately, I've just been... Obsessed. Thinking about her night and day, having dreams about her... So today I asked her out, but I messed it up, bad."

"How am I supposed to help with that?"

"You just... Seem to have so much experience with these sorts of things..."

"What sorts of things?"

"Relationship things... S-sex things..."

"Twilight, do you realize you're essentially calling me a harlot?"

"I don't mean it as an insult... You're just... You've studied this topic more than I have! And the books about it are awful. I've checked. Nothing but bad pickup lines and more anatomy than I'm proud of knowing... For example, I know the names and anatomical locations of the full set of mana nodules that can be massaged to ultra-sensitize a pegasus' wings."

"Dear, they're pegassi. You don't need to sensitize anything, they've got no stamina to begin with."

"Well see? There's something you know that I don't! Teach me!"

"Well, darling, it's not like... There isn't some universal guide on how to love... It's just something you know how to do. Every pony does."

"Buh... But I don't!"

"But you do, Twilight! You're just... thinking about it too much."

"Thinking... too much?"

"Yes... Love isn't... You don't plan it, or write books about how to do it, you just feel your way through it as you go along. It's something your heart knows about... not your head."

"What could my heart know that my brain doesn't?"

"More things than it should, if you have to ask that question..."

Twilight tilted her head. "What?"

"Look, Twilight, if you want my honest advice, you should get really drunk and go visit Rainbow Dash, and everything will work itself out from there."

"I don't wanna make an ass outa myself!"

"Well, dear, it sounds like you already did. This plan could only improve the situation."

Twilight grunted in frustration. "Why did I think you would be any help?"

"Because I have a lot of sex, apparently. I wasn't quite following your logic either..."

"But you do! You brag about it all the time."

"Yes, but that doesn't make me an expert on love."

"Well, who is an expert?"

"You should go ask Pinkie for advice. She loves more ponies in one night than I have in my entire life."

"Pinkie? I hardly think she's going to be able to help me with a real adult relationship problem. I'm not even sure Pinkie knows what sex is..."

"Uh... Twilight, are we even talking about the same pony?"

"Pinkie Pie, Element of Laughter, balloons on her ass... Throws parties like a six-year-old..."

"Well, during the day, her parties are required to be in accordance with Equestrian Public Decency laws. Have you never been to one of her night parties?"

"Pinkie throws parties at night? When does she sleep?"

"Pinkie? Sleep? Now I know you're joking."

Twilight only cocked her head in response.

"Wow... You've known Pinkie for how long? Look. Just go to Sugarcube Corner and ask her about last night's party. Prepare yourself for an earful of some of the most colorful language you've ever heard, describing acts of sexual depravity you could never imagine on your own."

"Uh... Okay, I guess..." Twilight paused to think. "That helps me how?"

"Well, once you've been convinced that Pinkie knows what she's talking about, she may be able to offer up some valuable advice..."

"Oh... Sure. Yeah. Thanks, Rarity."

"Any time, darling."