Every Prince Deserves a Princess

"You!" I bellowed, making my way down the spiraling stairs will all the grace of an elephant in a thunderstorm. "Halt! I am Prince Vladimir Blueblood, and you will answer any and all questions that I might have!"

The sound of worried breaths echoed up the cavernous stairwell from below, followed by a weak, almost feminine-sounding voice. "No! I-I want nothing to do with you! Just let me do my job, and please leave me alone!"

My chest heaved with effort, blood swimming through my forehead as I continued to run, stumble, and slide my way back down to the ground floor of the cursed castle. I was keeping a decent pace, and saw the flicker of a ghost-white tail disappear around the corner as my slightly more agile prey continued their attempted escape. "I'll have you charged with treason!"

"You charge everypony with treason if they so much as move your tea cozies by accident!" the voice replied... and to be fair, they did have a point, but the time for logic had long since passed! Nopony could have known what danger this escaping pony could portend, and I was not about to take risks, what with the events that had happened such a short time ago.

"And I'll double your sentence, should you fail to slow and face me! This is a matter of Canterlot security!"

As I rounded the corner, the fleeing pony slowed, and eventually, stopped. There, in the center of a side hall, sat a dull orange unicorn with a grey, almost snow-white mane and tail, and brilliant blue eyes to nearly rival my own. The pony turned to look at me with the slightest hint of fear amidst their look of apprehension and conflict, and I quite honestly couldn't tell if the creature was a stallion or mare. I walked closer, taking in their features, before reaching only one, simple conclusion- they were incredibly attractive.

"You," I began, "are in so much trouble." I stopped just before the pony, who did little else than lean slightly backward with a grimace. Upon checking their facial structure, and a slightly more obvious structure, I realized that they were, in fact, a stallion.

Damn it.

"I-I'm sorry, but I just... I've heard rumors about you, and I know you aren't in a good mood, and I have a lot of work to do, and I don't have time for false accusations a-"

"False accusations!?" I bellowed. "I do not make false accusations! I inspect, decide, and execute. Literally, when need be. Now, turn fully, face me properly, and follow my orders, or else!" My nostrils flared, adding to my imposing image. I'd have scarcely been surprised had the womanly little colt pissed himself in terror by then, but much to my surprise, he nodded, swallowed, and acquiesced. "Your name."

He took another deep breath, seeming to calm himself before answering. "Golden Sands, sir. I'm sorry to have bothered you with this, but I really need to be going. Celestia has me working on a really b-"

"And I have you working on an investigation! Silence!"

Golden Sands froze, his mouth hanging open in mid-word, before he abruptly closed it and decided not to argue. A smart little pony, this one was. "...yes sir. What am I investigating?"

"No, no, you aren't investigating anything! I need to make sure you're not a changeling, or a conspirator, or..."

"You should really be careful of misuse of grammar. It only leads to confusion," he stated with a small smirk. Before I could interject, he began speaking again and successfully cut me off. "I'm not a changeling, sir. I'm a simple mechanic, inventor, and one of Princess Celestia's newly-employed castle staff. Here."

Golden reached down into his worn, brown leather saddlebag and produced a small badge, the Royal Seal stuck to the back of it, plain as day. I looked the glittering object over twice, before snatching it from him. "I will be inquiring to Celestia herself about this."

"Wouldn't it be easier to ask around? If my work is held up, the princess won't be pleased." The colt brushed his long, bushy mane out of his face, remaining completely calm. The nervousness had seemed to have disappeared as soon as he found a leg up in the conversation. That stupid smugness and superiority that he carried himself with, simply because he was a scientist... it needed to end.

"Have it your way!" I yelled, before pegging the badge off the side of his face. Golden toppled over backward, clutching his cheek and looking scandalized. That showed him.

"Could you please refrain from having a fit? I'm willing to help, if you act reasonably!"

"I will act as I so choose!" I said with a stomp. I began to feel very childish, and it occurred to me that I was likely making yet another enemy in this pretentious twit. Then again, he wasn't a pony I would ever have need of, and so, such a situation was far from a catastrophe. "I will indeed ask around about you, and should anything suspicious be brought to my attention, I shall have your head myself!"

"Fine. Now, can I get back to work? Please?" he inquired, with actual sincerity. Despite my brash approach, he had not a hint of malice in his tone. I made a personal mental note to piss him off before the New Year. Such manners and cheer along with a timid nature was doubly obnoxious, and he would need to be properly cracked.

"Not until you cease to be of use to me."

"...I've been of use...?" Golden tilted his head, genuinely taken aback. I didn't have an answer for him.

"Just... shut up, before I assault you. Have you seen a green pony with a disheveled blue mane, about this tall," I made a rough measure with my hoof, "running around? He is needed once again."

"Creeping Moss?" I nodded, a feeling of dread creeping into the pit of my stomach. "Yes, I saw him just an hour ago. He tried to steal one of my inventions, and... well... succeeded..." he mumbled, half-hiding behind his mane. I wasn't sure whether I was happy that this jackass had been stolen from, or annoyed that Moss had made himself a target for Celestia. In the end, I decided that I simply didn't care either way.

"I see. Tell me where he was, and I will retrieve your toy, child."

"It is not a toy," he spat, while shooting me a nasty glare. That had certainly done it- his Achilles' Heel, presented to me on a silver platter. All it would take to ruffle that one's feathers would be to 'accidentally' break some trinket or bauble, and victory would be mine. Oh, what fun it would be...

"Fine, fine... your device..." I replied with a snicker. His glare intensified, the sapphire eyes burning bright and seemingly attempting to sear a hole through my own. My confidence remained unaffected, as I was well used to the routine of being challenged and hated. "Now, give me the information, little boy, and perhaps we can benefit each other."

Golden opened his mouth to say something, but seemed to think better of it before clearing his throat and trying again. "Yes. He was out in the gardens,near the statue of Discord. After he swiped the grenade, he ran somewhere into the hedge maze."

Moss had a grenade? As though my life wasn't difficult enough at that moment...

"I will go and investigate post-haste. That obnoxious little wart shouldn't have anything explosive or flammable within a mile of himself. Thank you for your help, little one. Now, run along, and snap your blocks together with my blessing." I waved him off with a hoof, and his shoulders shook a bit in anger and he turned and quite literally ran off, before slamming a nearby door. Oh, what a sensitive little pansy he was.

Without sparing him so much as a glance, I turned and made my way down the hall, toward the doors that would lead me out into the gardens.

"Vlad and Cadance, sittin' in a tree, this won't rhyme but they'll never screw," Moss sang as he tossed a small, spherical object up and down in his hoof while leaning over a rail in the gardens.

"Hilarious," I replied. "Just what the hell have you been doing, stealing explosives from the palace? Celestia told me you were busy investigating!" I approached the meddlesome bastard before me with a sneer, and stood next to him at the rail. Below was a fantastic view of the Royal Gardens, though not a view worth the two-hour search it had taken me to find my supposed 'companion'.

"I was... and then I got bored, so I swiped a smoke grenade. Well, I actually swiped two. The other one was really pretty when it blew up, but I dunno what color this'll be. Wanna find out?"

"I will throttle you and then sit upon the corpse whilst drinking tea," I spat.

"...okay, normally I'm joking when I say this, but that's hot," he replied with a cheeky grin. He continued tossing the device up and down, until I snatched it from him with a magical pull during one of its apexes. "Hey!"

"Too slow, quite like yourself," I said as I turned the little orb over in midair, inspecting the craftsmanship.

"Not too slow to save your life, fatass."

I didn't reply for quite some time, instead focusing my attentions upon the smoke grenade. It was remarkably well put-together, and had I not been so utterly annoyed with that Golden Sands fellow, I would've gone to ask about having more produced. However, more important matters were at hoof...

"...thank you. Truly."

Moss looked taken aback, as well he should have.

"I mean it. In fact, I would like you to keep saving my life. I'd like to offer you a position among my bodyguards... or rather, as my bodyguard. The others continually quit, and I recently fired the remaining lot of them. Don't tell my auntie," I smirked, trying to make light of the situation. Moss looked everywhere but at me, as though he was embarrassed. Perhaps he was.

"Bodyguard? Man, I don't know... I'm not exactly a law-abiding goody-goody who plays by the rules, and holds a steady job..."

"You seem to have forgotten- neither am I."

Moss let out a raspy chuckle. "True enough. I guess it'd get me off the streets... at least some of the time. I need the streets for some things, and you're gonna need the streets to get this done, you know. I've got resources."

"Then make those resources officially mine. We have a string of crimes to solve, your continued existence being one of them," I only half-joked.

"You'll get the answer to that one in time, big boy." Moss popped his shoulder blades before dismounting the rail and turning to face me. "Alright, I'll do it, on one condition."

"You're not in the place to be making demands, you little shit, but I'll hear it anyway." I flipped my luxurious golden locks to one side, somewhat amused at the thought of Moss making a request. He had saved my life, so I supposed it was the least I could have done.

"I get the guest bedroom in your little suite, and your bed for the first night," he stated with a devious grin.

I had absolutely no idea what he was up to, but I didn't like the idea one bit. I would need him close, but that close... it seemed as though he had an ulterior motive. I opened my mouth to protest, only to be cut off once again.

"Don'tcha want me close for when the misty-thing comes back? It came for you in your sleep, didn't it?"

Little else needed to be said for me to be completely convinced of his little idea. I had never been easy to scare, but the thought of that thing sent a surge of paranoia and sickness coursing through my body in one fell swoop. It was an unexplainable phenomenon, and one that I wasn't about to admit to. I simply nodded, trying not to appear as shaken as I truly was by the thought.

"Very well. I will afford you some room within my personal chambers. Let us retire post haste, and discuss our predicament in the morning."

"Sounds good. I've got some ideas as to what our next move should be. Where we can find the remaining asshole, and maybe even the misty-thingy." Moss swiped his hoof outward with unnatural speed, successfully stealing back his smoke grenade. "Now who's too slow?"

"Me, for ever allowing this partnership. Lead on, Moss."

And lead he did, obnoxiously swaying his flank as we headed back to my chambers in tandem. I found it quite easy to resist looking at his display, as my mind was on much more urgent affairs, such as the pounding headache that had taken residence within my skull. Mere seconds after entering the bedroom, I flopped gracelessly onto the goose-down mattress, not bothering to remove the bandages and bracelets I had acquired during my stay in the infirmary. Immediately after, the green stallion touched down beside me, and I found myself far too tired to protest his move to join me for the night. I simply closed my eyes, and drifted off into a long, restful sleep.