Every Prince Deserves a Princess

Chapter 2: Down in the Dirt

I had never been what one could call the 'rough and tumble' sort. I was not a brawler, hooligan, wastrel, or any other sort of ilk that likes to get their hooves dirty. Cleanliness is next to godliness, after all. It was almost amazing, then, how quickly I went from the carved statue of a deity with a freshly-combed mane and starched frock to what would amount to a filth-and-snow covered incubus sprawled out upon the cobblestone streets of Canterlot, looking like a disheveled murder victim.

"Oh, hey. 'sup, pony?"

The unfamiliar voice held a distinct, city-born accent... but not of Canterlot. If I had to guess, I would have pinned the owner to be from the Manehattan slums, based on the slight slur and easygoing, smooth tone. In other words... street trash. Street trash that currently lay atop me, pinned to my chest with his hooves on either side of my body. After an impact like that, and in such a messy position upon the ground, I knew that quick thinking and action befitting a stallion of my station and superiority was necessary. Who was this ruffian to bowl me over and perch atop my chest, in the middle of a crowded street!? He would get a piece of my mind, and a bit of the fire that my bloodline was known for!

"My immaculate coat! Dismount me immediately, you're ruining it!" I squealed, in the most manly tone I could manage. "I just took a bath, and Auntie just smoothed my outerwear! Watch where you're going, you wicked filth!"

"Whoa-ho-ho-hoooooooooo, there, Your Hugeness," the smaller stallion replied. "I'm so sorry to upset your delicate, cushy appearance, but I'm in a bit of a rush. Catch ya later."

The sprightly stallion slid to one side, leaning low before he bolted forward in an attempt to pass me by. Little did he know that I had been a varsity hoofball player in college, and my hooves were even quicker than my wit. In one smooth motion, the scruff of his neck was in my hoof, and I had the bastard off the ground- he was strangely light, even for a smaller stallion- and in front of me, flailing madly as I scowled at him, taking in his features.

The earth pony stood at about two thirds my height, his fur a dark, mottled green. A scrawny little thing he was, wearing a disheveled, dirty, ripped vest with splotches of mud and snow all across the material. Clearly, he had no attachment to or pride in his appearance or possessions. Not only was his attire a mess, but his mane... I'd never seen anything like it, and not in a good way. Thick strands of deep blue, assaulted with gel and product stood in some sort of messy, stringy, utterly wild mohawk, with loose pieces hanging freely in front of his similarly-colored eyes. To top it all off, his flank featured a cutie mark of what appeared to be a fossil, in some sort of spiral shape.

Sometime during my visual analysis of the little scamp, he had simply stopped struggling, content to hang from my hoof like some stray cat, caught by the neck and held aloft. He stared straight back into my face, and a lopsided grin showcasing relatively well-kept teeth began to form as the seconds of awkward silence passed. Without warning, he gave me a wink, brought a hoof up to his mouth to blow a mocking kiss, and I promptly dropped him in disgust.

"What is wrong with you!? Running into royalty like that without a care in the world, and then mocking me?"

"Royalty, huh?" he responded with a hint of laughter at the edge of his voice. "I'm royalty, too! The name's Creeping Moss, High King of the Canterlot Streets, and it looks like you're in my territory, buddy. Bow down," he finished with a cocky grin, pointing a hoof at the cobblestone below. How dare he...

"Enough of this foolishness!" I barked, my nostrils flaring as his grin proceeded to get even wider. "I am Prince Vladimir Blueblood of the House of Celestia, and I will not tolerate being talked to like some kind of c-"

"The criminal! There he is!"

The sudden interruption was chased with the sound of thundering hooves as a contingent of royal guards rounded the corner, spears aimed directly for this Creeping Moss fellow. His eyes widened as he tucked a hoof beneath his chest, looking nervous. Once the guards were mere feet from us, he bolted around behind me and stood at my side. I was quite honestly too flustered and confused to say a word, until the lead guard prompted me.

"Prince Blueblood, stand back! That stallion is a wanted criminal! He's a thief! Check your purse!"

The armored brute didn't need to say anything more as I pushed this strange Moss pony aside, my hoof reaching for my coin purse immediately afterward. The velvet sack was quite heavy and almost bulging, and the weight of it brought a small smile to my lips as I replaced it within my breast pocket. Everything seemed to be in order for me. Whether or not he stole from another was hardly my problem... though I did want to rip out his arrogant little tongue. Decisions, decisions...

"Stand down, men. Until he is proven guilty of a crime, I will be personally escorting him to the castle. He and I have unfinished business."

Creeping Moss furrowed his brows, eyeing me up and down as he looked to a nearby alleyway. I lit my horn with a pale blue aura in warning, in case he got any bright ideas about running. As his hoof came back to the snow below with a muted clop, I think he had gotten the message.

"We do have proof. An elderly couple flagged us down and said they saw him stealing an apple from a nearby market stand, before running off with it into the back alleys. This pony," he pointed, "fits their description exactly! I'm sorry, sir, but we need to pat him down. This falls outside of your jurisdiction, and is an affair of the Royal Day Guard."

"I didn't steal shit," Moss sneered, wrinkling his nose at the guard captain. He stepped forward, lifting his head in challenge toward his opponent, but soon found that I had something to say instead, and nobody, nobody got their say in before that of Prince Vladimir Blueblood!

"An apple!? A single, solitary apple? You would dare exert your authority over mine to catch some common street-trash taking an apple!?" I stomped my hooves as hard as I could, kicking up snow while bearing down upon the suddenly frightened guard captain. Flecks of spittle flew onto his cheek as I continued to shake with rage at the very thought that he had declared himself my superior. "You would take the word of two aging invalids as justification to go on a witch hunt and ruin my already terrible day!? Weeping Moss, did you, or did you not steal an apple!?" I demanded, whirling upon the amused culprit.

"Creeping, and nope. I was just minding my own business when these would-be lawmen started tailing me. Colt Scout's honor," he sang, placing a hoof over his heart with a chuckle.

"What is your name?" I reached out and grabbed the captain's breastplate, drawing him right up to my face as he began to quake with fear.

"L-l-l-lighthoof, sir! I-I meant no offense, b-but I was told by Princess Celestia that y-you weren't involved with the law!"

"Oh, were you, you sniveling snake? Well, I'll be having a word with her, and making sure you're demoted!" The stallion tumbled backward as I gave him a hard shove before dusting off my sullied tuxedo piece. "I am the law, and so far as you lot are concerned, I am God! Do as I say, and begone!"

None of the squad needed a second warning as the entire troupe took off in the direction I had pointed, my persecuting hoof thrust forward as my chest heaved, both from pride and exhaustion. I'm fairly certain that my cheeks were red from all of the yelling, but I had won. Those scum would never forget their place, and once I saw Celestia again, she and I would have our reckoning!

"...so you're God, huh? I thought God would work out." That raspy, demeaning little chuckle once again caused the fur on my neck to bristle, as though this stallion's very existence was anathema to all of my senses. "Guess God doesn't have X-ray vision, either." The diminutive stallion reached a hoof into his pocket and withdrew a shiny red apple before tossing it into the air, letting it spin before he caught it in his azure-colored hoof and took a greedy bite, chewing loudly. I could do nothing more than stare in sheer disbelief.

Creeping Moss continued to eat, sucking his teeth between bites of the stolen apple. After a good while, he held the fruit out, and spoke through a mouthful of half-chewed mush. "Wanna bite?"

That was all it took for me to find my words again. "You deceptive, cheating, cowardly, smelly, duplicitous little thief!"

He merely blinked. "I got no idea what that second 'd' word was, but yeah, probably. I guess I kinda owe ya, so I'll ask again- want a bite? It'll turn brown soon."

"No! I want no part of anything that passes by your filthy lips, you cretin!" My hoof lashed out to smack away the apple, only to find that this youth was clearly faster than me.

"Hey hey hey whoa, now! Food's food, man! You wanna take me in to the dungeons, I'll gladly come along, but don't you touch my apple. I had to work for this one." Another bite echoed out as I realized our little spat had drawn a crowd, many of whom were laughing. It didn't take me long to realize that they were laughing at me.

"You're coming with me, whether you like it or not!"

"Well, I like it, so that's all well and good. Always wanted to see the castle anyway."

"Shut up and walk!"

Every single one of my buttons had been not pushed, but hammered in until they no longer worked by this imbecile. He was everything that I am not- rude, arrogant, self-serving, cheap, disgusting, and unkempt! Celestia knows what sort of commoners' diseases he was carrying, and the smell! Did this pony simply not bathe, or only do so once each day!? City folk. Savage beasts, the lot of them!

Tired of my authority being undermined, and well-and-truly done with all of the mocking that had gone on at my expense, I stepped forward and placed a hoof upon Moss' filthy collar to begin pulling him toward the castle. He didn't resist, instead stopping his own efforts at walking to let me drag him through the snow-covered streets. Nearly every mare we passed received a catcall and wink from the lecherous lout, and one of them even tried to stop us to speak to him! Needless to say, she received a tongue-lashing from me, and my captive and I continued on with our incredibly important, royal business.

The castle gates were no impressive sight to me, having grown up within the palace and rarely setting foot outside unless it was absolutely necessary. Creeping Moss, however, wore the expression of a foal in a candy store as I dragged him up to the guards who were waiting at the gate. The pair nodded upon seeing me, and I received the respect I always deserve for the first time that day as they both bowed low and worked to pull back the heavy, oaken doors. A scraping sound echoed out as the aged, colossal wooden doors, ribbed with metal strips and scarred along the edges from use, slid back along the stone to reveal a long, well-lit, and cavernous hallway beyond. We began to walk through the halls in silence, before someone just had to ruin it.

"...damn. I've seen pictures, but I never thought it'd look like this. Then again, I guess God's house would be pretty impressive, yeah?"

If I had a bit for every time my eye had twitched since I'd woken up that morning... "My name is Prince Blueblood, and you shall address me as such. Try not to drink in pleasantries too much, as the only area of the castle you'll be spending any length of time in is the dungeon! Stealing, wasting my time..."

"Wasting your time is a crime? Any time someone talks sense into you must be punishable by death, then," he offered, punctuating his point by sticking out his filthy tongue.

Before I was fully aware of what I was doing, my hoof reeled back and shot forward as quickly as it was able, striking the trapped pony hard across the cheek. Perhaps it was an overreaction, but after the other events of the day, damn did it feel good. Moss tumbled sideways, holding his cheek and looking scandalized as his deep green fur began to tinge with red. He coughed a few times and made a show of getting up to his hooves, hissing in pain as he rubbed his jaw. I merely glowered as I waited for him to stand, feeling quite satisfied as he leaned against the white marble of the wall.

"Vladimir! What ever are you doing to that poor stallion!?"

A rotund rush of pink and white entered my vision from the left, moving straight for the injured pony. Princess Cadance bent low, lightly brushing her hoof along Moss' jaw and giving him a sympathetic look. "Did he hurt you badly?"

Moss replied with a soft tone, taking on the appearance of a beaten puppy as he frowned up at the princess. "No, ma'am... I guess I was out of line. Thank you, though."

My jaw dropped. His tone, those words, and his cunning manipulation combined to make my upper lip twitch in anger, and I was sure I would have started yelling all over again had Cadance not interrupted me.

"What were you doing to him? Nopony should be manhandled like that, especially by royalty! We are examples for the public, not something to be feared!" she insisted, her expression filled with hurt and desperation. That poignant look was enough to disarm me, and my ears flattened as I gave her a rather guilty look.

"I... but... h-he's a criminal!"

"And criminals are not to be abused. Come, I will walk with you both, and we can take his information together." Cadance leaned forward and placed her hoof upon Moss' shoulder, along with a small nod. "Follow me, dear. We'll sort this out, and get you some ice."

"That would be lovely, princess," he replied, before waiting for Cadance to walk a bit ahead. The stallion turned his head and stuck his tongue out at me once again before trotting to catch up to her, chuckling as I sputtered and hastened to join the pair. I would have that tongue on my wall before the end of the day, so help me Celestia.

"Princess... what are you doing out of bed? I can handle him! I should handle him!"

"I am pregnant, Vladimir, not a paraplegic."

Clearly, it was going to be a very long night...