Every Prince Deserves a Princess

"Name?"

"Creeping Moss."

"Age?"

"Either 6, 16, 26, or 216. I forget which," the forest-green stallion replied with the stupidest grin I'd ever seen this side of Shining Armor. It was going to be a long, long night, and it was already off to a terrible start.

I don't understand how we ended up in Cadenza's room instead of an interrogation room, or why the carnation princess was practically fawning over this little waste, but in truth, I didn't much care. Any trip to her room was worth my while, and if nothing else, at least the tea was good. Cadenza could always be counted upon to make a good cup of tea... among other things.

A beautiful sound resonated throughout the room, light and sweet. A familiar sound, and one that reminded me of spring, for reasons that I had never understood. Despite the fact that this stallion was clearly an obnoxious, pandering, deceptive ass, he had finally accomplished something that brought me the tiniest smile- making our princess laugh. It was a small, mirthful little noise, and one that I treasured and often worked for. The routine was always the same- Cadenza would find something funny, and break out into a beautiful little grin. She would snicker, collect herself, and then the song of joy would begin to ring out as she covered her mouth with a hoof. The action was adorable, and doubly so when it was in a professional setting and she was trying to keep her composure.

Such a shame that the reason for such a splendid sight was usually Shining Armor. He was an ass, too. Moss was an ass, Shining was an ass, and I will happily admit that I was, am, and always will be an ass as well. However, I am an ass for the right reasons- superiority.

"You're quite cute, you know. It's a shame we couldn't have met on better terms. 26 it is," she sang, scribbling lightly upon a piece of parchment. The paper was rested before her atop a low coffee table, just in reach as she reclined upon her side on a bright lavender Cleopatra-style couch, the small of her back resting against the low, curvy frame. I found myself staring at another low, curvy frame, which resulted in two sets of eyebrows being quirked at me in tandem. I stared back at Moss with a glower, sipping my tea noisily as I gestured a hoof outward, as if marking my personal space in the air before me.

"Just answer her questions, and mind your own business. What I do is my own concern."

"Are you still worried about me, Vladimir? I'm fine. Getting around is troublesome, but I can hardly complain. You don't need to be staring at my stomach and obsessing over my health constantly..." Cadenza shifted a bit, blinking as her lovely lavender eyes fell back to the paperwork. If only she knew that I wasn't staring at her stomach.

"I know, I know. It's my duty to show concern. What kind of semi-sibling would I be if I didn't?"

"Still my favorite one," she offered with a coy little smile. My chest felt just a bit lighter at her words.

"...you sure that foal isn't his? I sense some serious tension," Moss interjected with a dirty, raspy laugh. It took every ounce of my willpower to refrain from pouring my tea on him. If it hadn't been from Cadenza, I would have.

Another laugh rang out from the alicorn, and my passive rage continued to boil. How could she find this foal so funny? He was a rude little runt, and the fact that he had the audacity to speak that way in front of a princess without being royalty boggled my mind. Hoofscrews would have done him good.

"No, no, of course not. I'm happily married to Shining Armor. Vladimir and I are old friends... and you should really be more careful with what you say, Mossy. I might find you entertaining, but most others would be offended, and maybe even take action against you."

Mossy. Mossy.

...Mossy.

That was it.

"Listen up, you little bastard," I set the cup and saucer down hard, the pink and floral-decorated porcelain rattling in response, "If you so much as say one more thing that grates on my nerves, so help me Celestia I will cut this song and dance short, throw you in the cell you're inevitably going to end up in personally, and literally eat the key. Due process and all of these kindnesses- which, by the way, you don't deserve- can go away very quickly. My authority overrides hers. What I say goes, and you are lucky to have Cadenza taking the lead right now. You should be in cuffs already."

The pout I received in response was almost enough to make me flip the table before me, but one sympathetic look from across the piece of furniture was all it took for me to calm down. She was the only one who could control me. No... she was the only one I would allow to control me. Even that was in my hooves- not hers.

Cadenza cleared her throat, tapping the pen against the frame of her couch. "...address?" she inquired, her face a bit scrunched up. I could tell she was dreading the answer, and that a tidal wave was about to pour forth from her bleeding heart. The thought was almost enough to make me gag before our unwelcome guest even began.

"Don't have one, ma'am. Err... I guess it changes, rather?" Moss smoothed over his mane, his tone completely flat and devoid of the usual cheekiness. "I sleep where it's dry, and where I won't have to fight for a good spot. I crash at the soup kitchens when there's space." It was quite clear that his answer was rehearsed, even if it was one he wasn't thrilled to be giving. I watched silently as he picked at a frayed thread from his worn vest, refusing to look at either of his superiors while he spoke. Had he not had such a grating personality, I might have taken pity on him, for the briefest moment.

Maybe.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of shifting as Cadenza rose from her reclined position, her thin, white maternity gown falling lightly around her stomach and sides. Naturally, I rushed to her side as quickly as I could, offering a hoof, which she took with a weak smile. Her hooves were always so warm...

"Thank you. I would like a word. Alone."

Moss raised a brow, sinking back into his plushy chair and almost disappearing into it as my princess and I headed for the door. I kept my eyes locked to his as we moved, staring him down while I leaned in to whisper to Cadenza. Her lilac perfume stilled my breath for but a moment, and I lingered near her ear, greedily taking it in before I spoke.

"You trust him in here, alone? He's a thief! Who knows what ornaments or trinkets he might steal from you!"

"Oh, he's harmless! If he takes something, we'll get it back. Shiny will search him before he's processed, and that will be that. You really do need to let me make my own decisions. It's fine." She reached out and pushed the door open, holding it for me to step through before her. I silently nodded and walked through the portal, absently adjusting my bow tie before turning to face her as the door clacked shut.

"...he's homeless, Vladimir..."

"And?"

"That's terrible!"

"So is being a thief!"

"He stole an apple! He's probably hungry, and just trying to survive. He isn't violent, and really, he's... charming."

"Charming!? He's about as charming as a toad! If he's trying to survive, then perhaps he should find himself a job, like the rest of the filth in the street who claim to be independent. He's a disgusting little worm, and likely wasted his bits on drugs and other trivial, useless pursuits. Check his forelegs for track lines, he looks to be the type." I waved my hoof forward, dismissing any argument she might make before it could escape her lips. The action was unneeded, as my hoof could never have stopped the hurt expression in her eyes... or the crushing sensation that followed in my chest.

"How can you be so heartless?" she began, her eyes almost brimming with tears. "Why can't you see that the reason most ponies avoid you and refuse to acknowledge you is because of situations exactly like this? Where is the noble, sweet stallion that I see when you and I are alone? Where's the Vladimir who helps me about the palace, and the one I talk to long into the night when Shiny is on assignment? Why do you have to be so mean?"

I opened my mouth to answer, but found that I had nothing to say. I hated when she called me out like this, particularly when I didn't know the answer. Perhaps I did know the answer, but it wasn't something I was willing to admit. Not to her... and certainly not to anypony else. I simply lifted my hoof and slowly tucked an errant strand of mane back behind my ear, idly wondering how and why it was out of place to begin with. Upon looking back at her, all I could do was let my ears droop, hoping she wouldn't press further.

"...sorry."

"Leave the rest of the talking to me, please. He'll be out of your mane shortly, and yes, he will be spending the night in a cell. I don't think he deserves it, but the law is the law. I'm sure you're happy about that."

"I am," I replied. Somehow, I had a feeling that that may have been the wrong answer.

Together, we re-entered the room to find Moss still slumped in his chair, the stallion not having moved an inch since we'd left him. I took my place on the couch across from Cadenza's, watching as she lowered herself back onto the small frame. For once, I didn't assist.

"Sooo... am I spending the night in the dungeons, or what? Are we done playing 20 questions?"

Cadenza looked down at the paperwork once again, all wind gone from her sails as she spoke. I couldn't help but wonder if I had been the one to destroy her mood. "Nothing else is essential, and... yes. I'm sorry, dear, but you did steal. Because it was a minor offense, you should only be staying the night."

"Cool. At least it's warm in here," he smiled. Moss rose from his chair and walked over to the prone princess, looking down at her. I stood to intercept, but was a moment too late as he dared to pat her on the shoulder. "Chin up, princess. I'll be alright, and hey- at least you caught me, right? Isn't that good, or whatever?"

For the briefest moment, I thought the idiot's charm might have worked on her again. Cadenza's face lit up in a full smile as she leaned forward, propping herself up on a pillow while her wings extended just a bit. The reaction seemed completely inappropriate... until another body moved into my peripheral vision.

"Hey Cadie. 'sup?"

That was my cue to leave. Watching Shining Armor as he leaned down and placed his putrid lips against hers was the final note in a symphony of shit that had become my day. Every time I saw them doing something romantic in public, I wanted to vomit. He didn't deserve her. He wasn't any more special than any other commoner... and little did the others know, but he had quite a bit in common with the street-rat who had awkwardly backed away the moment Shining entered the room. I knew our guard captain's secrets. Not all of them... but enough. The only thing that stilled my tongue was her.

"Not much, love. We have a minor criminal here. He needs to spend a night in a cell, but be gentle. He's sweet." She followed up with another kiss, smiling as Shining returned the gesture.

"Of course. Come on, kid. We'll take care of you... but stop..." he glanced down at the paper, "stealing. Petty theft? Come on, man. Make something of yourself," Shining said, his eyes nowhere near Moss as he spoke. The Duke of Dumbass raised his hoof and brushed a lingering lock of mane out of Cadenza's face, staring adoringly at her as I turned tail and stomped out of the room, unwilling to watch the saccharine stupidity any longer.

"Thank you for the tea. Deal with Moss, and I'll see you later," was all I offered as I made my way out into the hall. I didn't get a reply.

I don't know how much time passed as I paced through the halls, walking back and forth before a stained glass window as I tried to collect my thoughts. This particular window showcased Cadenza and her beau, horns crossed with a heart floating above them while the twisted form of a black, alicorn-like creature was thrown backward by the force of their love. Auntie did so love her stained glass windows... and her blatant bias. Where was my window? Nowhere in this palace...

Perhaps that was something else to bring up, after the main issue at hoof. How dare she say what she said? I have no real power or influence... I wouldn't be surprised if those exact words were what was said, either. It seemed nopony around here had any respect for actual royalty anymore. The time had come to give her a piece of my mind.

I set out at a brisk pace, my breathing quickening as I jogged through the halls, headed for the private wing that she and her sister shared. The walk wasn't a particularly long one, but I found myself nearly out of breath as I made it to the  large, cherry wood doors. The guards standing before the portal immediately stepped aside and bowed, granting me access to that which I sought. I'd always loved the guards- they would do their jobs, unlike most. It was only their captain that I loathed.

Regardless, the current situation was far more important. I had a posturing swan to direct my anger at, instead of a pandering surfer 'bro'. I stomped into the central chambers, my head held high as my hooves sank into the thick, spongy carpet... only to be met with little more than a cold glare from a nearby couch.

"Tia isn't taking visitors."

'Tia'. That was the closest thing to emotion or letting her mane down that Aunt Luna would ever show, at least to me. Everypony else was addressed by their full name, and usually their title... but not her precious Tia. I didn't know how she knew why I was there, and I doubted she was about to tell me.

"But I ne-"

"You need to leave," she replied coldly, her eyes snapping back to her book- a reference guide of star charts. "Tia isn't taking visitors."

It never ceased to amaze me how well the sun and moon fit my respective aunts. Even when Aunt Celestia and I were fighting, she had a certain warmness to her. A vigor, a brightness that somehow made it all okay in the end, even if I left angry. It was as if I was always in her embrace, whether I wanted it or not. Luna, on the other hoof, was cold, detached, and mysterious. Almost angry, most times... and never close. Conversations with her just left me feeling unnerved, and this time was no exception.

"Auntie, I need you to let me through. This is an important matter that on-"

"You have no power over me, and I have told you to leave. You have no power over anypony here, and you never will. Take your petty complaints elsewhere, and leave me to my studies. Begone."

It was the most she had ever said to me in one sitting, and what made me feel the coldest I had in ages. My insides iced over as her words reached my ears, and I couldn't help but cower as her harsh tone echoed throughout the room, her natural volume overpowering. Her eyes never left her book, and all I could do was shrink back and turn away. It wasn't long before I found myself running, my footfalls muted by the carpet as I carried myself out the door, the corner up my upper lip upturned in a snarl.

Her words meant nothing to me. She meant nothing to me. In time, I would show them both who had power here.