Author's Note

Whoops...

For some reason the uploaded version of this chapter has some errors in both text and corrections. There were massive lines of code that made this roughly four thousand word chapter twelve thousand words of nonsense. My apologies!

I have gone and fixed this issue so it is readable.

Chapter Five: A Reason to Hope

We didn't talk much for the next four hours, which were mostly uneventful. There was a run-in with a couple timberwolves, and an angry griffon that took potshots at us from the sky, but thankfully we were able to escape both encounters without adding on to our already considerable list of injuries.

The timberwolves merely ran across our path before Twilight cast a few bolts of flame and scared them off. I was wondering why they were on the outskirts of the Everfree instead of deep within, but Twilight began speculating before I could answer.

"I wonder if it is the lack of active predators within the forest that is encouraged growth and leading to expansion of territory, or the inadequate defenses of those now living in small clusters that allows the timberwolves to hunt ponies instead of bunnies. Either way, it appears that timberwolves are no longer confined to the forest and are growing in number. The plains are going to get more dangerous as the days pass."

The griffon with the crossbolt seemed convinced that killing us was a good idea was much more dangerous. However after Twilight kept picking all of his bolts out of the air and throwing them back with much higher accurate and rate of fire, he decided to make himself scarce.

Walking seemed to take forever. Flight was painful, but I still hovered every now and then to try and break the monotony. I just hated this incessant silence. It ate away at me, poisoning my insides and clouding my mind. I could think clearly, and that lead me to parts of my past I didn’t want to focus on. Steps became automatic as I stared blankly forward; my body trudging on. Words became soundless and incomprehensible as the wind turned into an orchestra. It was deafeningly calm.

Then she finally broke it.

"Why?"

I didn't answer at first, unsure of the question.

"Why did you accept, I mean. You said that that thing offered you immortality, but I don't remember you ever being the type of pony to be so easily tempted by the idea of living forever."

Well that was an uncomfortable topic. I wanted to avoid this, but her pleading voice and my degraded pride allowed the answer.

"I'd gotten a letter in the mail about a week before the incident. It was a letter telling me I didn't make the Wonderbolts. As petty and narcissistic as it sounds, I just couldn't handle knowing that after all my training I still wasn't good enough to make the cut. I thought I was insignificant and I was willing to do anything to get another chance, to show everypony that I really was the best. I guess I considered immortality as some sort of compensation. Who wouldn’t remember the immortal pegasus? Stupid. Fucking stupid. Don't ask again."

She shut up. The answer hit her like a brick. I choked up a bit. It was hard facing the reasons behind my choice. My hope was that all my guilt had been cried out by now, but it wasn't even close. The truth hurt, bled me dry. The emotion pent up within me caused tremors. My mind went off kilter, fading in and out as the path continued. Left hooves. Right hooves. Left hooves. Right hooves.

Then, all of a sudden, I stopped walking. Well, I was still moving my hooves, but I wasn't moving forward. Then I looked, really looked. Twilight lay in front of me crying, I was suspended in the air by her magic.

I stopped shifting my hooves about. I could taste blood in my mouth and felt stinging pain across various parts of my face.

"What's up Twi'?"

She looked up, eyes red from crying. Her body was folded in on itself and I could hear a sad sniffle before the magic around me dispersed. Standing upon the ground once more, the silent tears begged questioning.

"What's wrong?" I said concernedly.

She merely looked at me with those puffy eyes.

"You don't remember? Of course you don't. I thought you had broken."

She moved a couple steps back.

"Twi'," I said a little more urgently, "What happened?"

"You were so quiet while you were walking. I thought I had upset you asking about why you accepted the offer. Then you tripped. But you wouldn't stop trying to move forward, like you were possessed or something. You smashed your face into the ground over and over. I yelled but you wouldn't stop. Then suddenly you got up and continued walking until you rammed a tree. I couldn't stop you from hurting yourself so you were put in the magic bubble for a few hours. What happened to you?"

I sat, shocked at this revelation. What had happened? I racked my memories. I had just been walking, step after step. But the guilt felt just like the silence, infecting my insides. So I walked until it hurt, because it was what I deserved. Then I hurt some more, wanting to feel it. That was what I desired. Pain appeased my burning guilt. I had deserved all of that pain, because I had dealt so much. Each cut muffled the screaming in my mind, and silenced my sadness for a moment. So the more I hurt, the less I hurt.

"Twi'?"

"Yeah?"

"I can't do this. It's too hard, too not me. I don't really know how to kill. The emotion burns inside me when I'm angry, but I don't really have it in me to snuff out life. And the fact that I already have hurts, Twilight. Just like the silence. Just like the guilt. How did we end up like this? It isn’t fair! I never wanted any of this!"

Before I knew it I was crying. I said I was going to be strong - what a lie. There was no being strong after such a disaster; there was only this cheap excuse for life. After everything that happened I couldn't just move on, I could only dwell on the mistakes I've made and hold onto the memories of the thousands of lives I had ended.

Then she did the last thing I would have expected from her, she hugged me. I couldn't believe that she felt such sympathy towards me. I wanted to hold her back, be friends again, but I could only find misery in my heart. The harmony was gone, and would never come back.

I was nothing more that a traitor to all of Equestria.

But I kept pouring myself out to her.

"I can feel it, ya know? In some sort of perverse way, I can feel the pain of everypony that died. They didn't deserve that. And all my friends are gone. All I have left is you, and you have every right to hate me. You should’ve killed me when you saw me. I would’ve. But just like Fluttershy you showed compassion and let my sorry self live.

I also don't want to lose you, and yet, I feel like I already have. You now embody harmony and I have nothing! I’m not even loyalty anymore! What can I do for anyone but die?

But most of all, I just hate myself so much. The kind of hate that burns your soul. What kind of pony thinks that they can atone for what I’ve done? I know there are ponies who’ve killed hundreds by their stupid mistakes, like Luna. But I know a stupid pegasus whose fuck-up has killed millions. I’m just a monster now, and I should be put down! The only thing that stops me is you, and that will end eventually. When will whatever loyalty I have left run out?”

She started crying too, her tears running down her face and onto my neck. I wanted to run. I wanted to stay. I really just wanted to be gone, or rather, to never have been born.

Then she spoke.

"You will be happier than you can imagine. You will live, and you will thrive. This I swear to you Rainbow. In the end, it is you that will find peace, not me. I know that right now things are hard, and right now things seem impossible, but I can take solace in knowing that I can give you a life. You should acknowledge that there is always life after death, even after something like this. Don’t give up so easily when victory is achievable. With loyalty and magic, there is nothing we can’t do, even if we have to carry honesty, laughter, generousity, and kindness on our own."

She kept talking. I listened to bits and pieces, but it was her tone that was important - the general feel. She talked of wondrous places, possible futures, what was and what will be. It was all so abstract and yet so precise. I couldn't help but sense that what she said was both the absolute truth and complete fiction. Through her voice, however, I could feel the power of honesty. There were no lies. My crying made most of what she said too difficult to hear. But she did say that she would give her life for me.

Why would anyone ever do that?

"Stop." I heard myself say. "Please stop. I just want to lay here. Can we go to New Appleoosa in the morning?"

She glanced upwards, noting the fading clouds before smiling gently at me.

"Of course we can. But New Appleoosa awaits us tomorrow, and with it, the rest of our future. Be prepared, and sleep soundly Rainbow."

I wanted to contemplate things for a while, but I misjudged the effects that my facial injuries combined with physical strain had on my body. Within minutes I was asleep, dreaming of friends and some faint aspects of hope.

I woke up at the crack of dawn, at least that was the assumption. The dull aura of light barely bled through the clouds. I carefully got up from beside Twilight, who was still soundly asleep, and walked to a nearby hill. Behind us loomed the Everfree, from it I could imagine the glowing eyes of the formidable beasts that dwell there, daring us to try and survive another night within. In front of us the mostly open plains gave me sight lines out to the horizon. So I sat on the hill, imagining New Appleoosa. In a week of absolute torment across Equestria, how could it remain as happy as Twilight said? Or was that a lie to keep my hopes up? I wanted to fly there, curiosity overcoming me. But I took a moment to be myself for once. The pony that wanted to be a Wonderbolt. So I flew despite the pain.

I practiced soaring through wind currents, catching updrafts and avoiding choppy winds. I did loops and twists, turns and spirals and corkscrews and complicated moves that I hadn't done since Wonderbolt tryouts. I flew for so long I lost track of time. The air seemed so pure, like it was an extension of my being. I wanted to submerse myself in it, breathe it. I floated for a moment, silently thinking. The pain was burning in my wings, but I just ignored it.

Go for it.

I flapped my wings and went straight up, shooting right to the cloud layer. I braced my hooves on the clouds, looking straight down at the hill I had come from. Picking a point to serve as an anchor, I closed my eyes for but a moment.

Go for it.

I pushed off the clouds with an aggressive force, my wings flapping hard. Wind whipped past me in a fury as I lost altitude. My hooves were stretched out I saw a faint glow around my hooves, and clenched my teeth the force of overpassing the sound barrier grew taught around me. Tears ran unwillingly from my eyes. Then the glow became more solid, and I hit a wall.

I was catapulted backwards, the whiplash cracking my neck and bruising my back. The raging fire of agony coursed through my veins and inflamed my body. I glided with all the elegance of a rock, trying to control my fall. The ground came up and hit me with an angry blow.

I waited there, on that cold hill, amongst the dry grass, waiting for Twilight to find me. The wind softly flowed above me and the grass ebbed like the tide. I could almost appreciate the beauty amidst the wrenching fire that covered my veins. Approaching shock, a sound called out in the distance.

“Rainbow! Rainbow Dash!”

But I couldn't call back. Whatever ran my voice was too damaged to work.

Then she found me. She had all of her things and a determined look in her eyes, seeing my prone form just over the hill. Galloping over quickly and asking me what was wrong, she started preforming various healing spells on me. Tears simply streamed out in response.

Eventually she saw, and tried to ask me what was wrong. I tried to stop them and looked her in the eyes. I was fine, my eyes said, and nothing was wrong. I had just hurt myself being stupid. But it was all a lie, and knowing the signs of a lie all too well she returned my stare. Her eyes rolled. But this time it was just too hard to say. So I stared back, I'm fine, nothing wrong. She finally receded unhappily, tending to my wounds quickly before picking me up. I shrugged from her grasp, gave a gruff let's go, and trotted off in severe pain. She looked at me quite concernedly, but just like that the heartfelt connection from last night seemed to have been shattered.

I couldn't tell her anything. The past hurt too much. Who I was was too much to bare. I needed to forget, and talking would only make me remember. The truth was that I was afraid. I was no longer the same pony. I couldn't do a Sonic Rainboom. I couldn't save ponies. I couldn't make a friend.

And most of all, I couldn't stop hurting. Whatever I might tell Twilight later, the guilt doesn't go away. It eats and burns on the inside, tormenting you with every step. Not even the big thing, every single tiny mistake was put into focus. Insulting someone and ruining their day. Having my pride cloud my judgement and making a mistake I should never have. Not being strong enough to resist the influence of hate.

But the emotion could wait, because in Twilight's eyes I saw that she knew something about the future she couldn't tell me, and whatever happened, I would make sure that she was the one to be happy. She deserved it. Everypony deserved it. Except me.

I looked up once more before stepping onto the train tracks, my eyes gravitating towards where the sun would be.

Goddesses save her. Save them all, just take me instead.

There was no answer, nor did I expect one. I just put one hoof in front of the other, Twilight following close behind. I explained how I crashed while doing a reckless maneuver. She scolded me. One of us makes a joke. We both laugh. All of it was a facade for concern, sadness, and the guilt. Somehow I felt that she had it too. But we carried on, as that was all we could do.

The silence was getting to me. Twilight seemed withdrawn as we continued, keeping her distance from me and conversation minimal. I wanted to know what she was thinking. After her breakdown she kept from mentioning the town that was gutted. I didn’t even know the name of the place.

Continuing along the trail at a steady pace we were finally less than an hour away from the small town of New Appleoosa. The idea that there were still towns that hadn't been wiped out by the creature gave me some hope. Hope that after all this was over that maybe Equestria would be able to build itself back up and rise from the ashes, but first we had a job to do.

"There will be difficulty at New Appleoosa." Twilight stated, finally breaking her hour long silence.

I looked at her quizzically.

"Why? I don't look like me, and you've been here before."

"They will recognize me and want to capture me, same as you. I'm going to need a heavy cloak; I don't have any more changeling serum."

Okay what?

"Capture you? I don't understand?"

She sighed.

"The last time I was there I was… different. So much has happened in the world, and as an alicorn they would expect me to save them. I can’t help them anymore than they are already being helped, and I need to go with you to finish this. Imagine if Celestia..." Her voice cracked for a moment, before she pushed herself into continuing.

“If Celestia was on a mission to save the world, and showed up in New Appleoosa. There would be a riot, wouldn’t there?”

I nodded. “I guess so. A lot of ponies would want to know why she wasn’t helping.”

“Exactly. She couldn’t tell them what she was doing, because then they might try to help and get hurt in the process. Or worse, they might get in the way somehow. Not to mention that there could be spies within any population center that could reveal her plans and doom Equestria. I can’t tell them what’s going on any more than I can tell you some of what I know. It could inadvertently hinder us.”

That was an interesting theory. I suppose she knows more about this than I do, psychology was never something I studied in school.

"So what do we do when we get there, it isn’t exactly easy to hide wings and a horn?"

"Wing and a horn, Loyalty.”

I grimaced. Two steps forward…

"Regardless, the plan is relatively simple. I am going to disguise myself and we will walk in the front gate. They won’t recognize us as long as I can get a damn cloak.” She frowned, looked around at the mostly empty field. Then she gestured to a small shack near a few fruit trees on the edge of the horizon, far to the right of where New Appleoosa would be.

The large Appleoosan plains were coated in tall brownish grasses, and not as flat as one would expect. Only around Appleoosa did the plains flatten out. On the outskirts, the land was very hilly, sometimes even sporting large valleys, and trees grew in sparse clusters. The eerie trees of the Everfree could be seen behind us, the opening where the train tracks emerged the only spot not covered in them.

“We're going over there?”

"Well I would assume so; where else would I get the cloak?"

“I dunno, where’d you get the changeling serum from?”

“Well from my treehouse obviously, where else?”

I didn’t have a response to that, so we both altered course to the right slightly. I was relieved to see New Appleoosa in the distance, the ramshackle walls of wood and stone slabs rising slightly above the earth. Dark grey and imposing, smoke billowed into the sky from behind the walls. Small outlines of larger buildings were outlined from behind the smog. Twilight seemed unconcerned with the city.

As we approached the shack it became obvious that nopony lived there. The windows were shattered and the wood was aged and rotting. It stood not much higher than we did, and Twilight nudged the broken door without much preamble. The house comprised entirely of the one central room, and there was nothing much but a small bed and bookshelf. Shattered glass was strewn about the room.

“Aha!”

Twilight had immediately torn the filthy drapes from the window and began to fashion a cloak for herself. It was a dark brown cloth that she simply covered her body with before tying two corners around her neck. She could’ve passed for anypony.

“Does it hide me well?”

I nodded briefly. “Yeah. Not much for looks though…”

Twilight probably rolled her eyes; I couldn’t see her face underneath the brown cowl. As I turned and began to leave, Twilight spoke softly.

“This really is our world now, isn’t it? Nothing will ever be the same. The best we will get is a shadow of what Equestria was.”

I took a deep breath. “It really is. We should totally make the next Equestria with more cider though.”

I turned with a bit of a smirk, hoping to get a grin from her. She had drawn her cloak back, but there was nothing but a look of sadness. As she walked past me and out the door, she silently muttered.

“I hope you do, Loyalty.”

There it was.

The homes, old western style, were aligned in a very organized style, with clear rows and columns. The wall around the town had sharpened logs pointing outward at the base. At least twelve hooves tall, the main 'gate' was guarded by half a dozen guards in full armor. Twilight didn't seem bothered in the slightest by the guards. In fact, she seemed positively cheery.

"We made it! Yes!"

She started for the gate, so I grabbed her tail and pulled her back.

"Shouldn’t you cover your face?" I asked her.

She turned to me for a moment, looking confused. Then reality dawned on her, and she almost smacked herself in the face.

"Oh yeah..."

Throwing the cloak on properly, we began to trot towards the main gate. The large opening had a unicorn with a serious look on her face.

I asked Twilight who it was, but she didn’t seem to know, or care.

We stood about ten hooves from the gate when the unicorn yelled at us.

“Who the hell are you then?”

Her voice wasn’t mad, but rather amused. Her yellow mane spilled out over her blue coat.

Twilight spoke. “Just some refugees here to respond to the call for soldiers. A unicorn and a pegasus.

The guard shrugged. “Well in you get. Try a find a place to stay a couple nights, the review process can take awhile.

I was nervous walking past her, but she had already dismissed our arrival. Twilight was, for some reason, grinning as we walked through the gate and into town. The entrance wasn’t exactly bustling with activity, but there were a few clusters of ponies here and there. Other ponies that were alive, and happy! I couldn’t contain my excitement either as we both walked down the trail, grinning like idiots.
We hadn’t trotted far into the small rows of buildings before Twilight stopped me in front of an older building that reeked of alcohol. The two story pub appeared to be on the verge of collapse, if the cracked support pillars were anything to go by.

"I love this place. Cheap boarding, no questions, and great atmosphere."

As I was about to open the door to the inn, she pulled me back, deciding to take a moment to lay down a few ground rules.

"Remember not to use either of our real names and don't talk about the Princesses. Our names are both far too well known. You can refer to me as Eclipse in public. What should I call you?"

"Loyalty." I piped up. "I mean… you already call me that anyways.

She looked concernedly for a moment before smiling a bit. "Let's go, the Rickety Sprocket awaits us!"

Well that isn't a strange name. She grabbed my hoof and pulled me inside.

It was dank, dark, and smelly. The large entrance room was just a bar with a few tables scattered about. The stairs, presumably to the room, was sulking in a dark corner. The ponies inside were either older stallions with grit and tough looks, or young fillies with suggestive clothing. I felt a tad uncomfortable around such a crowd.

"Isn't it great!" She beamed at me.

I smiled a little crookedly back. "Yeah, sure."

"Let's grab some seats!"

I felt in a surreal sense of awe as her entire persona shifted from the moment the town came into view. She must've had happy times here. I wonder what she did here a short time ago.

We sat at the bar, hooves on the counter.

"Barkeep! Two shots of whiskey! Hurricane Pegasus if you got it!"

The barpony looked over at her for a moment, briefly amused.

"Coming right up darlin'."

I looked straight at her with such shock.

"What has gotten into you?"

She looked at me and sighed.

"This place is really all that is left. It makes me so happy to see ponies able to find happiness even in such dark times. I like to think that it gives a decent portrayal of a pony’s spirit. Indomitable. So what if things are never the same again; isn’t this pretty good? I love this place, and staying here for a few nights was marvelous.”

I narrowed my eyes.

"I thought you were here for like a day?"

She glanced at me seriously.

"I'll tell you more about it later Loyalty, for now let's drink."

The shots were sitting in front of us, amber liquid swirling slowly in the small glasses. The barkeep must’ve supplied our drinks while we talked.

Soon we were drunk, the liquid turning in our heads, loosening us up. At some point Twilight got a room for us, with only one bed. Twilight must’ve been loaded on bits given how much I alone drank. We partied into the night with the rest of the rambunctious ponies that naturally appeared at such an hour. Most of the night blurred in my memories. I had flashes of running out into the night, Twilight dancing up on a table, and fleeing back into the bar after bothering some guards in our drunken stupor. I went up to our room at, I presumed, about three in the morning. I dropped like a log onto our bed, blacking out.

It felt good to forget.