Iron Will vs. The Penile Code

“Discord... thank you for coming so quickly,” Celestia said, slowly rising from behind her desk. She was in her private office suite, a semi-Rococo space with elegant filigree along the walls decorated with gold. Huge windows let the sunlight spill freely in, while one large glass door led out onto a balcony overlooking the city of Canterlot. “I suppose you know why I have called for you?”

“Maybe I do, maybe I don't,” Discord said with mirth in his voice, “And maybe I want you to provide some exposition. It amuses me. No matter which it is, you will tell me.”

Celestia sighed and rolled her eyes in frustration. She could never fathom Discord's strange ways. “There is a trial... my protege is proposing a new, stringent set of laws to be placed on the adult film industry. The industry, as represented by a major player, has stated that the law is unnecessary and needlessly restrictive.”

“Sounds kinky,” Discord said, clearly amused. Celestia ignored his comment.

“The industry views the bill as a matter of personal attack against them,” Celestia said, “There are actually a lot of objections, it's like that music matter but with more depth.” Celestia sighed as she thought about her control-obsessed protege. “Sometimes I wonder about Twilight. She had so much potential to do good. If only she had heeded my counsel to make friends...”

“Would have, could have, should have,” Discord said with a grin, “Didn't. No time for regrets now, Celestia. But tell me, what does her moralizing obsession with mental purity have to do with the spirit of chaos? I can't make her change her mind... well, I could, but I promised not to do that anymore.”

“And I am glad you kept that promise... under threat of reflexive magical backlash that would turn you to stone,” Celestia noted, dryly. “I have called you here because that trial is in the big court, to undergo Ministerial review and parliamentary consideration. We need a judge, and you are the one.”

“Hmm, the spirit of chaos, as a judge...” Discord tapped his single fang, giving Celestia a curious glance. “It does have a sense of poetic justice; though I must admit I'm curious as to why you don't do it yourself?”

“I cannot. For sake of appearance I have to stay out of matters like these,” Celestia said. “I must give the appearance of the detached ruler, focused solely on the broad picture of the nation.”

“Sensible, as ever, Celestia,” Discord said with a gagging motion. “Practicality is so boring. Well then, why not your sister? She gets away with petty things. Let her outdated mind wrangle with pornography. She might like it.”

“Luna is... attending to an espionage matter right now. 'Her majesty's Secret Servicer,' as she puts it, is in town,” Celestia said, with a blush.

“Goodie! Gossip!” Discord snapped his fingers, suddenly appearing with a bowl of popcorn and curlers on his head. “Dish, dish! Tell me who's putting the all-pony sausage to your sister! I swear it's not creepy or voyeuristic.”

“I don't know. Hence, 'secret,'” Celestia said with a look of disgust. “And, quite frankly, it's not my business, it's her life. Besides, she's good about keeping him hidden.”

Discord deadpanned at Celestia and snapped his fingers, popcorn and curlers vanishing. “You know how to ruin a good hen party. Well then... that nephew of yours. The distant one. He's high-ranked enough to serve as judge, even if he's also a Minister.”

“No good. He's still on his honeymoon. He's milking it for all it's worth. Frankly, by the time he deigns to come back to work I almost imagine his wife will have a mule suckling on a teat,” Celestia said. “You're the one. For better or worse.”

“It's always better when I'm on the job,” Discord said with a cackle, snapping his fingers, appearing in a grand black robe and elaborate powdered wig. “Well now, how do I look?”

“Very... official,” Celestia said, shaking her head. “Very well. You had best go and get ready. Your job will begin soon enough.”

“Of course! If your lawyer's sleeping better give 'em a nudge! Everybody look alive now! Here comes the judge! Here comes the judge!” Discord sang, suddenly wielding a giant gavel and banging it loudly on the air.

Celestia watched Discord go, suddenly coming to the realization that she was entrusting an important matter to a frivolous nut that would probably decide objections and notions based on his whims and potential for amusement. Celestia slowly trotted to a tucked away alcove, head down. In the alcove there was a grand fresco, a flaming-red-maned alicorn with a beatific look on her face, standing on two legs over a swirling collection of galaxies and jetting black holes, giving a gesture of blessing. Celestia bowed her head lower and went down to her belly before the fresco. “Mater noster, mater misericordiae, O clemens, O pia, O dulcis virgo Faustus...”

Hoity and Photo stood outside of a rather unassuming-looking door in the basement of Bare Mare studios. Written on it were the simple words, 'Studio Attorney.' The two ponies looked at one another and shivered. “Well now...” Hoity said quietly, “Let us... get to this. We need to get all the relevant parties to the bus to take us to Canterlot. So... let me...”

“Careful, liebchen. She ish... her...” Photo said, gently holding Hoity back.

“I know what I am doing. I have been here before. And despite her... nature, that cannot be helped. I am sure she will behave for the duration of this important matter,” Hoity said, trying his best to look brave. He knocked firmly on the door and called out, “Hello! The time has come to...”

The door flew open with a loud 'bang,' along with a sudden spray of confetti. “Visitors! Yay!” A whirlwind of pink flew out of the room, resolving into Pinkie Pie, in all her hyperactive, puffy-maned glory. Apropos of nothing she was also wearing a headband holding up a pair of white faux fur bunny ears. “So, did you come down here to party, or for more boring law stuff?”

Photo and Hoity looked on Pinkie with some slight uncertainty, covered in pieces of confetti. Hoity cleared his throat and adjusted his sunglasses. “Sadly, this is a professional call. You must proceed to our bus for transit to Canterlot. The trial is upon us, or is near enough to arriving.”

“Oooh! Yay! Canterlot! They really know how to throw a party. That's where I did my upper-level law work and where I passed the Equestrian bar. This will be fun!” She gave it a thought and added, “Also, I get to argue before an important court. That's fun too.”

“Ja, fun! Much fun! Let ush go then! Without delay,” Photo said, with a hopeful look on her face.

“Yes, yes, Miss Finish is quite correct. It will be quite fun, and if you win you will remain employed here, which, as I understand, is something you greatly enjoy,” Hoity said, smiling brightly.

“Yup yup! I love it! I wanna stay here as long as I can, even if I get really old and moldy and creaky, I still wanna be here!” Pinkie cried with great enthusiasm.

Photo stepped away from the door and motioned to Pinkie to go past her. “Wunderbar! The othersh await! Let ush all be off.”

“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie chipped, hopping pleasantly off down the hall, followed by a very relieved-looking Hoity and Photo. Even as they made their way to the court, Twilight was prepping her faithful assistant.

“We're up against a professional team,” Twilight said, using her magical aura to carefully arrange folders into a standard file box. “Probably a couple or trio of attorneys out of a corporate firm, perhaps partner-level, plus junior assistants working in the background. They're not going to go down without a fight.”

“Yea, I know. I saw 'Diamond Deep Throating' too. She fights, they win and she's gargling their jizz,” Spike said with a grumbling huff, carelessly stuffing away the folders he had before him.

Twilight took a moment just to stare at Spike in pure disbelief before she zapped him with an extra large magical jolt, making him yelp and leap around, holding onto his rear end. “Spike! I can't believe you. Can I trust you to focus on this trial? I can't decide which is distracting you more, your prurience or your maudlin torpidity. Either way, you are not exactly inspiring my confidence...”

“No! No, I promise I can handle this. This is a very important thing,” Spike said, after recovering form his magical tasering. “We need to do this... for the good of the workers. And their minds.”

Twilight sorted and packed a few more files, thinking over the words. “You've learned well. Your compassionate nature will not go unnoticed. While my intentions are for all minds to remain unadulterated by drink, drugs and perversion, your concern for the redemption of the producers makes for good television. I may think ill of them for intentionally corrupting others but the impression is always that anyone can be redeemed. Good thinking, Spike. You can handle the television interviews.”

Spike ran his hands over his head spines, grinning his best 'ready-for-prime-time' smile and popped his brows at Twilight. “You think I've got the style for television work, do you?”

“You have that 'know-nothing' populist way about you. The perfect clueless common dragon to reassure the average viewer that what is going on is in their best interest and is also properly moral as far as they are concerned,” Twilight said matter-of-factly, starting to levitate the file boxes over to a small stack of them. “Besides, your presence will alleviate any fears of this bill resulting in more government control. Nopony could feel intimidated by the actions of a tiny dragon.”

Spike deflated a bit, sullenly going back to packing his boxes and looking over at Twilight with a scowl. “Can't you just say I've got a good face for television and the right personality?”

“I... thought I did,”Twilight said, giving Spike a curious look. “I said you looked right to impress the typical television viewer. What, did you want me to call you some sort of himbo, a vapid pretty face with nothing between your ears?”

Spike smiled brightly, carrying over his file box with a spring in his step. “Thanks, Twilight! You're the best boss anyone could have.”

The day finally arrived, the trial date. All sides were led into the Grant Court at Canterlot. The huge chamber had a neoclassical flavor to it, marble columns at the corners of the room, vaulted ceilings with frescoed recesses, while at the same time it had more modern courtroom touches such as a high wooden judge's podium, a witness box set between the two antique wooden desks that served as the spaces for prosecution and defense. Behind the low wall at the back of the court section itself were benches and cushions for the audience, primarily the witnesses for both sides. It was also serving for the news crews that swarmed the place.

The parties in question were already situated at their respective desks. Twilight and Spike were at their side with their stacks of files, both of them dressed in sensible gray suit coats, Spike in gray slacks and Twilight in a gray skirt. On the other side sat Hoity, Photo and Pinkie. She was in a blue suit, and still had her bunny ears on. She sauntered over to Twilight's table and extended a hoof. “It's good to meet a worthy opponent! I'm sure we'll have super, duper fun on this!”

Twilight looked on Pinkie with a great measure of disbelief. “Wh-what? Who are you?”

“Oh! Silly me! I forgot. My name is Pinkie Pie, Esquire! I know who you are, so I'm sorry I took away your introduction. I'm sure it would have been really nice!” Pinkie said, shaking Twilight's hoof firmly.

Twilight was rattled about by the shake and became disoriented for a bit. She regained her composure after getting her head to stop shaking and gave Pinkie the once-over. “Are you... one of the assistants? Some kind of a paralegal? Where are the primary attorneys of record?”

“That's me!” Pinkie passed off a card. 'Pinkie Pie, Esq. Bare Mare Studios, Attorney.' “I am the sole legal representative of the interests of Bare Mare Studios and all employees and ancillary parties,” She said with a bored, flat tone. Saying the word 'parties' caused her eye to twitch involuntarily. Her mouth filled with saliva as though the mere thought of parties triggered a Pavlovian response. She then perked up and added, “But not always the fun kind of parties! I throw those for New Year. And birthdays. And Arbor day. And whenever I have a mind to!”

Twilight's eye twitched a few times, as did the corner of her mouth. “You? You're the... only lawyer?”

“Uh-huh!” Pinkie said with a nod.

“You buried me under an avalanche of motions, briefs and evidence? All on your own?” Twilight asked, increasingly upset.

“Yup yup yup yup! I did that too. Mister Toity said you were being a big meany pants to him and the studio and we really needed to win.”

“That's impossible!” Twilight shouted, exasperated, “Nopony could do that much work by themselves! You'd never have time to sleep!”

“You'd be surprised how much energy you have from a diet of hot-sauce-and-caffeine cupcakes. I need all the energy and excitement I can get. This law stuff isn't too much fun but I'm really, really good at it. So I did something I thought might work. Did it work?” Pinkie asked, with a gigantic smile.

Twilight still couldn't believe it. “You mean... you actually graduated?”

Pinkie nodded vigorously. “Yep! I started practicing law after passing the bar.”

“I'm surprised you could pass anything more complex than a limbo bar,” Twilight said with some venom.

“Good guess!” Pinkie said, “I was also the campus limbo champ!”

“I suppose it's serendipity that you would go on to represent a porn studio,” Twilight said, “They deserve a lawyer capable of stooping to their level.”

Like a sturdy limbo bar, Twilight's insults went over Pinkie's head. “Looks like we're going to have fun!” Pinkie said with a smile.

“Well... we shall see...” Twilight pulled back a little, vaguely disturbed. She cleared her throat and turned to her papers. “Very well. Let us get to this trial.”

“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie cried, hugging Twilight suddenly before bouncing off back to her own desk.

Before Twilight could react to the sudden hug there was a tremendous flash of light and Discord appeared in the judge's chair, banging a gavel on the stand. “Hear ye, hear ye, no one says 'hear ye' anymore. Also, court is now in session, the venerable, honorable, reliable and desirable judge Discord presiding. And residing under the podium for now. There's a lot of room down there!”

“Discord!” Twilight shouted as the entire gallery gasped.

Applejack stood up in the audience and pointed at him. “Now wait here jes an apple-buckin' minute! What in the hay are y'all doin up there bein' the judge?”

"Celestia trusts my judicial skills," Discord said with a soft pout, attempting to look both injured and innocent, "Besides, there's no one more qualified to be judge than I."

“An' how do ya figger that?” Applejack asked.

“Well, after all, one cannot have order without chaos. Who else beside me is qualified enough to discern the difference?” Discord asked. He then leaned on one hand, the other casually tossing the gavel in the air and catching it over and over. “And, she had no one else. Princess Celestia would prefer to remain aloof for the sake of appearances, Princess Luna is getting her moon rocks off thanks to her own personal spook, and Minister Blueblood is, at this very moment, serving his wife brunch in bed, which is hardly traditional but has just the right level of sappy mush he's probably going for.” Discord winked at Applejack. “And in case you were wondering, your 'grampy' Zeke is...”

“That's enough outta you!” Applejack called, a blush resting heavily on her cheeks.

“Very well! Let us begin,” Discord said, slamming the gavel down. “Opening statements from both parties. Alright, you first, Miss Sparkle. Dazzle us with your oratory. Or perhaps baffle us with your bull... well, let us not finish that thought.”

Twilight looked up at Discord in utter confusion, but she rose and started to pace. “Thank you, your Honor. It is my intention to demonstrate to this august court and further to the Parliament that will review these proceedings that it is proper and necessary to implement the collection of new regulations collectively defined as 'The Penile Code' for the sake of m- the sake of safety, accountability and protection of pornographic workers. The current regulations are not enough to provide true safety. Furthermore I wish to demonstrate that pornography is damaging to society and needs further regulation in the interest of protecting the innocent from harm.” Twilight sat back down with a nod once she had finished.

Discord held up a paddle with a number six on it. “It was a decent speech but it didn't really wow me. You have to hope the television audience votes to save you. Now, for the other team. Go, zany lawyer.”

Pinkie Pie stood up and pulled a pipe out from somewhere. She put it to her lips and started it to bubbling. “Now, I am here to show...”

“Ah, ah, ah, stop,” Discord said, pointing down at a sign that was suddenly on the front of his podium, saying 'No Smoking.' Right below it was a similar sign saying 'No Bubbling.' “This is a courthouse. We have rules about that sort of thing.”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes at Discord and gave him the stink-eye before she pulled the pipe from her lips. “Very well...” She extended her unnaturally-large tongue, placed the pipe on it and rolled it back up, giving a loud swallow. As she spoke afterward bubbles flew from her mouth, growing less frequent as she went on. “I am here to show the current practices for the industry are sufficient to their purposes. I also intend to show that all this fun pornography is harmless and nice. Who doesn't love a good porno? I mean, besides Miss Sparkle? But really, that's all I can think of. Also, I'll throw a party at the studio if we win.” Pinkie sat back down and lightly belched up one last bubble.

Discord watched the bubble float up and pop, releasing a loud burp. “Well, now that was disgusting. Perfect! I judge you go first in calling someone up to question them.”

”What?!” Twilight thought as she glared at Pinkie.

“I call... Rainbow Dash to the stand!” Pinkie pointed into the audience, to the rainbow-maned bodyguard.

“Wait a minute... me? You want me?” Dash protested, but still made her way through the air and to the witness box. “Why in the hay do you need me to testify up here?”

“Oh, that's easy, it's because while you had the least character development you're still important enough to mention as more than just a background pony,” Pinkie said.

“Objection! That... that made no sense at all...” Twilight levitated a piece of paper. “She's on the rather exhaustive list of potential witnesses but... that explanation makes no sense and does not provide a rational explanation for why she is calling my bodyguard.”

“No, no... actually, she makes perfect sense,” Discord said. He winked at Pinkie and added, “However, Miss Pie, in the future please refrain from attempting to break the Proscenium arch, for all our sakes.”

“Awwww, fine,” Pinkie grumped, hopping up to Dash with a large book, on which Dash placed a hoof. “Do you swear that the testimony you will give is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you, Faust?”

“Yea, yea, I swear. This isn't my first flight show. I've had to testify before,” Dash said breezily.

Pinkie flipped through some papers. “Now... is your name 'Rainbow Miriam Dash'?”

Dash slammed her hooves on the witness stand. “Hey! I had that middle name legally changed to 'Danger'!”

“Was that before or after your court-martial?” Pinkie asked, giving a sidelong glance to Dash.

“Wh-what?” Dash's wings flew open in surprise and the sunglasses were tossed from her face.

“Objection! Relevance?” Twilight cried, slamming her table.

“Please, I know what I'm doing,” Pinkie said, giving Discord big, puppy-dog eyes.

Discord cooed and smiled. “Awww, look at those big, lawyer eyes. She looks like some sort of legal beagle. Go on, but please get to your point.”

Pinkie indicated her papers she had. “Rainbow Danger Dash, tried by Equestrian Air Service Court-Martial for offenses under several military articles and convicted of disrespect towards a superior officer. She was caught with footage from a hidden camera that had been installed in the male officer's shower, and which saw her superior, Soarin', engaged in, tee hee, masturbation...” Pinkie dissolved into giggles for a moment before she regained her composure, “She was dishonorably discharged... hee... for filming her commanding officer's dishonorable discharge!” She fell on the floor, kicking her legs and laughing uproariously.

“Th-that's not important at all!” Dash screamed, blushing deeply.

“Objection! Again!” Twilight yelled.

“As amusing as I find it, I have to bring up the fact that stick-in-the-mud has a point. How is this admittedly-hilarious embarrassing personal indiscretion relevant to the matter before us?” Discord queried.

“Oh! Sorry. I got caught up in the comedy. Miss Dash became a private security contractor after her dishonorable discharge and a failure to become a secret agent. Miss Sparkle hoof-picked her as a bodyguard from a list of government-approved contract employees rather than taking a real Special Agent. She had access to the same Court-Martial report and still chose her. This shows questionable judgment. And that does not inspire confidence in her ability to do things like... make a bill. It might need more review.”

“W-wait! I was swayed by her fit-reps and physical capabilities. The circumstances behind her discharge were irrelevant!” Twilight shouted.

“It does cast you in a questionable and hilariously ironic light,” Discord said, “Choosing a spy-cam-using ex-military bad girl as a bodyguard while you make laws about pornography. Don't you look foolish?”

“I'm done with this witness,” Pinkie said casually, bouncing back to her table.

“Care to cross, Miss Sparkle?” Discord asked with a hint of mirth.

“Oh I'm cross, alright,” Twilight said as her face grew red with anger, “I have no questions for this witness.”

“The witness is dismissed, likely to go clop it to a copy of Soarin' Self Service Shennanigans,” Discord said, laughing as Rainbow Dash flittered up and out of the courtroom, burning with a blush. “Well now Miss Sparkle, what have you got?”

“If I may, your Honor, I have impact witnesses demonstrating the harm of pornography on the average pony, at least the pornography produced under the current laws, thus necessitating more restriction. I have four prepared,” Twilight said.

“Very well, I suppose I can pay attention to some moral purist blathering on about how their lives were impacted by their bad reaction to porn. But try to make it interesting,” Discord said with a roll of his eyes.

“Right, well... I have a few available in the back and one in the gallery,” Twilight motioned to the gallery, Applejack rising and coming to the witness' box. After a quick swearing-in Twilight asked, “Will you please state your name and occupation for the court?”

“Sure can! Mah name is Applejack, apple farmer, rancher an' interested community participant,” Applejack said proudly.

“Ah-ah-annoyingbusybody-choo!” Discord sneezed. Despite the sneeze being fake he still looked down at his hands, appeared shocked by what he saw, looked shiftily around and slowly scraped his palms underneath his desk.

“So...” Twilight said, giving Discord a very disturbed look before turning back to Applejack, “Please tell us about the negative impact that pornography has had on yourself and your family.”

Applejack drew in a deep breath and composed herself before she spoke. "Mah brother got hitched with the local school teacher," She said, "Pornography ruined his marriage. His wife left him. All he wants ta do now is mope around and watch porn videos after he does his work on the farm.” She slammed her hoof down on the stand. “That there pornography is a cancer on our fine society! We gotta do somethin' 'bout it! Make the rules on 'em harder an' harder! They can't keep on hurtin' folk and making pre-verts outta them!”

“See there? Her own brother, fixated on pornography, his mind warped and altered by the disgusting filth the industry creates,” Twilight said, playing to the cameras. She pointed to Pinkie as she trotted to her desk. “Need to cross?”

“Cross what? The street? The ocean? Hot sticky buns?” Pinkie looked confused for a moment before she popped up and in front of Applejack. “Oh! Cross-examine. I see. So... Miss Applejack, if that is your real name; did the pornography jump into your brother's eyes and turn him into a zombie? Sounds like it! That must have been scary. Oh! Or did the tapes leap out of the store and into his hooves? Do they follow him around talking to him until he watched them? SpooOOoooOOooky! Or maybe your brother just likes pornography. I know, kooky! But it might happen.”

Applejack gave Pinkie a deadpan look that bordered on anger. “It ain't that he likes it. Ah'm pleased as peels ta see he ain't shy 'bout procreatin'. Gotta do his part to help propagate the Apple family. But he weren't interested in th' wife the whole family helped him ta court an' land. All he wanted was ta watch porn, 'stead-a doin' his stallionly sire duties an' getting her all good an' knocked up.”

“I see... so it wasn't the pornography, it was just that he married a mare he didn't like. Thank you,” Pinkie said, waving a hoof and hopping away to her desk. “Going to redirect?” Pinkie asked Twilight.

“Ugh... no... Miss Applejack, you are dismissed. I have three minor impact witnesses I have been keeping sheltered in the back, I would like to call them at this time,” Twilight said.

“Oh, children! I always wanted to scar and traumatize children by talking about dirty movies while trying to avoid the very subject. You don't really think you can pull it off, do you, Miss Busybody?” Discord asked, with a grin.

“I can be sensitive and tactful!” Twilight shouted, then took on a sheepish look when she realized everyone was staring at her. “In any event, please call forward the three minors from the back.” After some whispering between Discord and a bailiff the stallion went to the back and brought forward three little fillies. Applebloom, Scootaloo and...

“Sweetie Belle?!” Rarity cried from the gallery on seeing her sister on the stand.

“Hi, sis!” Sweetie cried, waving a hoof over at her sister in the gallery. “I get to be on the stand!” She said proudly, with a voice crack.

“Yes! Three minors impacted by the horrible perversity that reigns supreme under pornography as the law currently allows,” Twilight said loudly, with a sweep of her hoof. She pointed at Sweetie, who waved again, “Here, the poor sister of one of the lascivious stars.” She then pointed to Applebloom, who gave a shy wave, “Here, the sister of the previous witness, likewise affected by the scourge of pornography.” Finally she indicated Scootaloo, “And this! A friend of theirs, a poor, suffering, orphan...”

“Uh,” Scootaloo pulled on Twilight's sleeve, “I'm not an orphan.”

“Yes, this orphan, orphaned by parental neglect and fixation...” Twilight continued.

“Seriously, I have two parents. You met them,” Scootaloo objected.

“Quiet, kid,” Twilight hissed, leaning in close, “Let's not split hairs on the slippery slope of parental neglect. Calling you an orphan plays better for the court.”

“This is dumb! Why should I go along with that? I mean, who would even believe I'm an orphan?” Scootaloo asked with a huff.

“Look...” Twilight said, magically lifting up a picture of a new, all-metal, lightweight, high-performance, professional-grade Equestria-Games-licensed as-advertised-by-Spitfire scooter, “Play ball with me and this thing will be waiting for you behind the bushes in the park next week.”

“Like I said!” Scootaloo shouted suddenly, “I'm just a poor, porn-affected orphan!”

“Objection!” Pinkie cried with an unnaturally loud voice, “Miss Sparkle is clearly tampering with the witness!”

“I'll allow it. Corrupting the morals of a minor, bribery and perjury are rather amusing and rarely seen all at once. Plus it's popular to think the scooty one is an orphan anyhow,” Discord said to himself, idly tossing and catching his gavel.

“Very well,” Twilight said, indicating Applebloom, “Please state your full name for the court and how this dastardly scourge of pornography has affected you.”

Applebloom adjusted the bow in her mane and gave the court her biggest, most pitiable look. “Mah name is Applebloom Apple. Mah... my big brother got hooked on them dirty movies, an' it's all he watches after he's done workin'.” She gave an exaggerated sniff and shook her head. “Mah brother ain't got time to play with me no more. He'd rather play with his willie n' it was all 'cause-a the por-no-graffy,” She said, sounding out the last word, which was scrawled on the back side of one foreleg. She then beamed out towards the gallery and asked, “Did ah say that right, sis?” She got an approving gesture and a nod from Applejack.

“Moving on,” Twilight said, quickly, gesturing to Scootaloo, “Tell us your name and story, poor, disadvantaged orphan.”

Scootaloo cleared her throat and looked out on the gallery. “Uhh, yea! I'm Scootaloo, tough-minded ragamuffin latchkey dead end filly. I'm all tough and tumble and, um, dirty-faced, except when I eat because that would suck.”

“And how did pornography bring you to this state?” Twilight pressed, holding up the scooter picture and partially tearing it.

“Oh! That! Right, yea!” Scootaloo buzzed her wings and waved her hooves to stop the destruction of the image. “Um, my... father got totally hooked on it. And he left the tapes out. I watched one and was horribly traumatized! I told my counselor about... something something, touched the doll or something... and then Foal's Services came and hauled me away and that's why I am totally an orphan.”

Twilight smiled. It didn't matter that what the child said was a lie. Everyone in the courtroom saw through Twilight's little ruse, but it didn't matter. Scootaloo's plight didn't have to be genuine in order to touch the hearts of those who heard it. In a courtroom setting, one convincing bit of poppycock was worth more than a sea of fantastical truths.

"Perception is reality," Twilight thought, "A little white lie every now and again is forgivable, if it progresses the greater good."

“Excellent, excellent,” Twilight said, passing the picture along with a businesslike nod. She then strolled up to Sweetie Belle and smiled. The coup de grace. “And you, please tell the court your name and your relationship to any of the folks you see in court today.”

“My name is Sweetie Belle! And Rarity over there is my big sister!” Sweetie cried, eagerly pointing at a blushing Rarity.

“And do you have anything to say about her and her profession? Some disappointment or... denunciation? Condemnation, perhaps?” Twilight lightly rubbed her hooves together and hid a smile.

“This is almost creepy. And I'm me,” Discord noted, blandly, watching Twilight with a shiver.

“Yea, I've got lots to say.” Sweetie sucked in a deep breath, held it for a moment and then shouted out, “This is so great and amazing! My sister's all pregnant and stuff! I'm going to be an aunt!”

“Wh-what?” Twilight's ear's were still ringing but she had heard it loud and clear. “Did you say what I think you said? Proud but... haven't your mother and father had a talk with out about how bad and naughty her job is?”

“Aww, they don't mind. She has a job and she's happy. My dad says, 'Well, at least she's not out at all hours doin' Celestia knows what, there,'” Sweetie said, affecting her father's accent. “Mom was a little upset she got pregnant without getting married but she understands. And and and! Because the baby's daddy is a Diamond Dog that means that it'll be like getting a niece or nephew and a puppy all at the same time! Best gift ever! My sister's so generous. I guess that's why she has so many boyfriends. Hi!” Sweetie waved to the collection of Diamond Dogs in the gallery, who were all seated around Rarity. The pack waved back, those near enough to Rarity licking at her blushing cheeks.

“I... I... I just don't know what went wrong...” Twilight said in a disbelieving mutter.

“Hey now! No stealing lines from innocent land sharks. Just when I thought you could stoop no lower...” Discord said with contempt.

"We really should consider having a limbo contest after the trial's over," Pinkie said to Twilight, "Sounds like you could give me some stiff competition." Twilight placed her head in her forehooves and sighed.

“Looks like your little coup was something of a counterrevolution, eh, comrade?” Discord put on a fur hat and held up a hammer and sickle. He pointed to Pinkie. “Plan to redirect?”

“Nyet!” Pinkie said, kicking her hooves up on her table and leaning back casually. “She demolished her own case. It would be rude of me to do more. I prefer to do happy things.”

“And I agree! You three charming foals may head on your merry ways, to be mendacious,” Discord pointed to Applebloom, “Avaricious,” He pointed to Scootaloo, “And honestly charming,” He pointed to Sweetie with a smile. The three rushed off, Applebloom to Applejack, Sweetie to an appreciative and welcoming Rarity, and Scootaloo out of the courtroom. “So what have you got for us now, Esquire Pie?”

“Hold it!” Pinkie concentrated hard, her hair temporarily taking on a spiky appearance. A large screen appeared above her head, showing off a grid box of various papers and odd objects. Several screens of the same passed by until one particular cassette tape was highlighted. Pinkie shouted, “Take that!” She then produced the tape itself from one of her pockets and threw it up to Discord.

“Now I am impressed! Honestly, with that bubble pipe I was expecting Sherclop Holmes. Good curve ball,” Discord said with a smile. He looked the tape over and produced a tape player. “What do we have here?”

“It's an insane and incriminating tirade made by Twilight Sparkle showing she was orchestrating the picket line for her own nefarious ends,” Pinkie said, with a casual offhandedness.

“Objection! This is the first we have ever heard of this alleged tape!” Twilight shouted, looking quickly to Spike, who was flipping through the folder containing the summary of exhibits.

“Nope nope nope nope!” Pinkie shouted, bouncing over to the other table and flipping through the file, pointing out one bland notation of a tape recorded at Bare Mare. “Here it is.”

Twilight goggled, and thought back to the pile of things sent to her. “Buried... buried in that pile of junk you sent. I had no time to listen to everything, it would have required filing for an extension and letting the temporary code enhancements lapse.” She glared at Pinkie, then blinked. “That's... brilliant...”

“Hee hee, thanks! I knew I would never need to use it all but could make a valid excuse for the inclusion of every piece,” Pinkie said, with a blush.

“But still... objection! Third-party consent is required for recording,” Twilight said, shaking her head to clear it after staring at Pinkie for a moment.

“The rules of entry, as written by me, for Bare Mare Studios,” Pinkie said, producing a book of rules as well as an oddly large sign seen to be a copy of the poster just inside the studio doors. “Please note the highlighted portions, stating that all third parties entering the building waives a right to privacy and gives their consent to be recorded, in video and/or audio format.”

“Let me see that!” Twilight pulled the book from Discord's hand, scanning over the indicated sections. “This works perfectly with the private property laws... it even takes into account the transient nature of the audio recording in a studio context. And I consented to it.”

Discord was forced to put his powdered wig in his mouth to stifle a case of the giggles. There were few things he found more entertaining than watching a schemer become frazzled and desperate as their world crumbled around them.

“Oh, and the audio engineers gave me a message, umm... 'don't insult folks with microphones then say something you might regret.' I hope that makes sense,” Pinkie said.

Twilight went stiff and thought back to her conversations in the studio. She had a near-eidetic memory and could recall a few points that would embarrass her. “Oh yes... it makes sense...”

Discord hit the button on the tape player. Out of it first emerged Hoity's voice, “It wasn't meant as a compliment. You thought you were invincible, striking down a broad target about which none would care, for fear of their jobs and reputations. Then your remarkable farce, that grand and glorious failure...”

Immediately after came Twilight's voice, “Don't you say it... You've tried my patience long enough. This inspection is over but the matter is far from done. Have you seen the picket line? Pure astroturf. I'm not a degree-holding PoliSci expert for nothing. I pushed the right buttons, beat the right drums and scared the right hayseeds to get their reactionary flanks outside to ruin you. Now they're in the media, continuing the artificially-inflated cycle of outrage. And then the bill will sweep through Parliament...”

There was a sudden grumbling in the gallery, the members of PAP looking surprised and angry, Applejack gasping in shock and horror. Discord clicked the tape off and laughed, “Did you really do that? That was some nice monologing. Were you stroking your pussy while you delivered those lines? Get your mind out of the gutter! I was obviously talking about your cat. I admire your backbone. Pity that was a bit of a backboner move. Oh! I've still got it,” Discord said with a fist pump.

While Twilight blushed deeply and gave occasional concerned looks to the gallery Pinkie was up and pacing. “That sounds entirely premeditated,” Pinkie said with a gesture towards Twilight. “That, in fact, sounds like a personal crusade again porn in general and maybe even Mister Toity in particular. And that is not nice at all! A personal crusade like that is harassment. And that's illegal.”

“She's right, you know,” Discord said, pointing a gavel at Twilight, “Official harassment is a serious civil matter. You'll be tied up in lawsuits for ages. And your name will have a worse stigma than it currently has. The public is already calling you 'Twilight Spar-killjoy.' That bill with your name on it will stink worse than a pornstar's unwashed meat flaps. You'll never get it passed.”

“W-wait!' Twilight shouted, “I can explain! Please, please let me explain. I swear I have an explanation that shows this is not a personal crusade. There's no need for civil charges.”

“Oh very well, I feel like indulging every possible little thing to drag this out. It amuses me,” Discord said. “We'll take a short recess.” He slammed his gavel down and vanished with a flash of light. He reappeared in miniature form, multiple copies of him running around on his podium top, playing on miniature sets of playground equipment. Several of them were even fighting over the tiny swings, like regular children.

Twilight and Spike desperately conversed and flipped through the materials they had, hardly noticing that Pinkie was there, chattering amicably at them and seeming to enjoy herself. In the crowd Applejack was slowly stroking her chin. “She... got me there? She set it up? She didn't care none 'bout what we was doin' an jes needed us ta be on the TV?” She whispered. It's was a shattering revelation, and it really stung her. She was nopony's puppet, but she danced to the tune of some mare she had never met. That bull had been right. No matter how it galled her he had been right. “It ain't gonna happen...” She muttered to herself.

“What ain't gonna happen, sis?” Applebloom asked, looking up at her sister's face.

“Don't matter none to ya, lil one,” Applejack said, ruffling Applebloom's mane. “Jes know ah... ain't so sure we was really doin' the right thing...”

One of the tiny Discord's said, with a rather loud voice, “We'll be right back after some messages.”