Of New Worlds, High Times, and an Unexpected Journey

Chapter IWherein I find magical ponies and get high as fuck.

"CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG! WOOO, YEAH!!!" The partygoers cheered me on as I downed a pitcher of beer, adrenaline surging through my veins from the crowd's enthusiastic encouragement. They patted me hard on the back and yelled drunken words of congratulations when it was all down the gullet. The cold beverage stained my shirt and froth covered my mouth and neck. Boy, was I fucked up!

But enough of that, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Xyrus Tocker.  I was your average (average is relative) 19 year old college freshman/part-time drug dealer living it up with parties, booze, and the glorious Mary Jane (as well as some other marvelous mind-fuckers). I grew the best shit this side of Michigan and business was booming, both from weed and the rest of the drugs I took with me to sell. I was at the biggest bash of the year, hosted by my best buddy Joe. Joe threw massive parties annually at his private mansion, completely isolated and away from the authorities. Hundreds of people showed up every year and each party lasted for a week or more. Non-stop partying for a week? Hell to the motherfucking yes!

Not long after my beer-chugging, I found myself making out with this smoking hot brunette chick. Our tongues swirled around as she moaned loudly in my mouth, her fingers running wild through my shaggy hair.  My hands found their way up her shirt to her bra and I unhooked it, letting her perfect breasts hang free, nipples poking out at her thin, tight shirt. Little did I know that this was going to be the last time I ever touched a human girl. Or was it? I hope not. Fuck that noise.

Just as the brunette and I were about to grab a room for the night, someone screamed the word of the worst nightmare to a party goer: "COPS!" Everyone stopped and looked out the windows and saw red and blue flashing lights approaching at an alarming rate, sirens becoming audible over the thumping bass. The party screeched to a halt as people dropped drinks and scrambled out of the doors, jumped out of windows, and bolted into the woods surrounding the Party Playhouse, as it was known as. I was one of the first ones out of the door; I grabbed my backpack from my car and hightailed it into the trees, stumbling through the adrenaline-soaked drunkenness mixed with a mind-numbing weed high. I dodged in and out of trees, ducking at low branches and pushing shrubbery out of the way as I ran. I could feel thorns and sharp twigs scratching me as I tore through the darkness, but I didn't care; I was not getting arrested tonight. Unfortunately, I was so drunk that I was running in zig-zags, barely dodging branches and bushes as I fled. I found myself not watching where I was going and a tree seemingly appeared out of nowhere. By the time I saw it, I was far too late.

I dodged to the side as much as I could but I wasn't fast enough. My body slammed into the side of the tree with the front-left side of my torso and face. I felt the skin of my features being ripped open by the rough bark as the sickening crunch of my nose combined with the sound of my forehead hitting the side of immobile trunk echoed through the night, accompanied by the unfortunate crack of one or two of my ribs. When my head made contact with the solid wood of the tree, I saw a bright flash of light before going unconscious, spinning slightly before hitting the ground like a sack of bricks.

I opened my eyes to a low ceilinged room. I was lying on a soft bed, covers pulled up to my chest, arms at my sides on top of the blanket. My whole face was in pain and I had a splitting headache; probably from all that booze (not to mention slamming into a fucking tree...). My side also hurt pretty badly too. Not sure why. Hm. I reached my hand up to my face. It was all crooked and my skin was crusty and rough from the dried blood that covered my features. I cringed at the pain of my touch combined with the distortion of my visage. Goddammit. Fucked my face up and broke my nose. That's gonna be a bitch to fix up. Suddenly, a small, yellow, pony-like creature with a flowing pink mane and tail, Pegasus wings, and big, teal eyes came into the room and looked at me with a small gasp. She ran over towards me and began a plethora of check-up procedures to see if I was okay, all the while saying in an adorable, feminine whisper, “Oh my goodness, you’re awake! Here, let me take your temperature, you poor thing. Ooh, your face is looking a little better, that’s good. Here, let me get you some soup.” She turned to leave but stopped once more to say, “Now, don’t you move. Fluttershy’s gonna get you a nice, big bowl of mushroom stew."

While I was confused at the sight of the strange creature and even more confused that it could talk, I answered nonetheless. “ Uh, yeah. Okay. I'm not going anywhere anyways.”

“EEEEP!” Fluttershy jumped and cowered down for a few seconds before cautiously standing back up. “I-I didn’t.... I didn’t know y-you could t-t-talk... Um, well...a-are you feeling okay?”

"Uh, yeah. I-I'm fine, I guess..." I said, rubbing my temples, attempting to alleviate the throbbing headache. "My nose hurts like a bitch though, and I'm pretty sure it's broken."

"Yes, I did see that. I sent one of my friends to go get Twilight. She should be able to fix you up, good as new!" She replied in a more confident tone. Then she was back in her secluded whisper as she said, "U-um...I was wondering..um..w-what exactly..uh...what are you? I-if you wouldn’t mind, that is..."

"Well, I could ask the same of you. I'm a human. I'm from earth, which I'm assuming I'm not on anymore."

"Oh, we'll I've never heard of Earth, but we're in Equestria, and I'm a Pegasus pony." she said, ruffling her wings when she said she was a Pegasus.

I leaned my head back into the pillow, trying to take everything in. "Ha! I'll bet there's Unicorns here too, right?" I mused aloud with a chuckle.

"Well yes, actually," I sat up and gave her a 'you've gotta be kidding' look before she continued. "Twilight's a unicorn, and she's on her way now to heal that broken nose of yours."

"Huh. That's interesting." Real Unicorns and Pegasi? Well, there's a Pegasus right in front of me so she must be telling the truth about the Unicorns. Pretty cool, I guess. A little silly, but cool nonetheless. "Wait, how did you find me? And how did I get here?"

"Well, I was just here at the house, making breakfast for Angel Bunny, and Mr. Beaverton Beaverteeth-" Mr. Beaverton Beaverteeth? What? I smiled slightly at the humorous name. "-came by and motioned me to follow him. He led me into the Everfree Forest and there you were, splayed out on the ground. Your nose was all bloody and bent and your face looked really bad. From the looks of it, you ran straight into a tree!"

I blushed and rubbed the back of my neck, "Yeah, about that. It's a long story, but yes, I did run into tree."

She let out an adorable, heart-melting giggle and continued, "When I saw you were unconscious, I tried to wake you up but you were out cold. I had to get Mr. Bear to carry you back to the cottage. You slept for a few more hours before you woke up. It's almost lunchtime now."

"Oh, I believe I caught your name but I'm not sure. Fluttershy, is it?"

The timid Pegasus blushed and said, "Oh, um..yes. How did you know?"

"You mentioned it before you knew I could talk."

Her face flushed an even deeper red and she turned her head a little in embarrassment. "Oh. Right. I did do that, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did. Fluttershy is such a lovely name, too."

I don’t think her cheeks could've flamed up anymore than they did just then. I wonder how I can see her blush through her coat... "Well, thank you. Oh, I don't believe you've told me your name. What was it?"

"How I forget things," I mused to myself, "My name is Xyrus. Xyrus Tocker." Fluttershy repeated my name under her breath, probably to remember it. At least that's what I always do. Don’t judge me.

Suddenly, I remembered my backpack and everything in it. Shit. "Hey, when you found me, did I have a black backpack on?"

"Oh! Yes, you were wearing a black bag. Here you go." She walked over to the corner of the room and picked up the black bag that was sitting there with her mouth and carried it over, handing it to me. Huh, I wonder why I didn't see it before...

I thanked her and began rummaging through my bag, finding my various assortment of drugs and a couple of pipes, laptop and charger, phone charger, toboggan, a pair of sunglasses, pocket vaporizer (I love that thing), survival knife, solar charging equipment (hey, you never know when that thing'll come in handy), iHome speakers, and my beautiful pair of Sony studio headphones. I then checked my pockets. Phone? Check. Wallet? Check. Grinder? Check.  EarPods? Check. Huh, I’m surprised nothing broke. Seeing all of my possessions, I let out a sigh of relief. "Well, everything's here. Thank God."

"Who?" Fluttershy asked.

"God. Ya know, big invisible dude in the sky? The big kahunas of almost every religion in the history of ever? I personally don't believe in him, but I say God in phrases nonetheless."

"Oh. Well I've never heard of this 'God' fellow, but we do say 'Thank Celestia' and things like that."

Celestia, Celestia....where have I heard that before....wait! If something is celestial, it’s gotta have something to do with stars, right? Yeah! I is so smart. "Celestia? Is he like a sun god or something?"

"Well, she's actually the Sun Princess." So close... "In fact, I should probably contact her. Oh well, I guess we can when Twilight gets here."

"Contact her? Wait, can she reply?"

"But of course! She runs the kingdom alongside her sister, Luna."

"Uh, wow. That's...that's....pretty cool. Oh if you don't mind me asking, why are there three butterflies on your butt? Is it a tattoo or something?"

Fluttershy chuckled, "No, that's my cutie mark." Her what. "It's a special mark that everypony-" Everypony? Seriously? "-gets when they find out what their special talent is."

"So lemme get this straight, it's a permanent tattoo thingy that just appears on your butt when you find out what you're really good at?"

"Basically, yes."

A knock on the door interrupted our friendly conversation. "Oh! That must be Twilight!" Fluttershy mused.

She trotted out the bedroom door and went downstairs. I heard the door open and another feminine voice joined Fluttershy's. I assumed it was Twilight. I heard hoofsteps coming back down the hall as their conversation grew louder. Fluttershy walked in first and let who I presumed to be Twilight in.

"Twilight, this is Xyrus, the human. Xyrus, Twilight. She's a unicorn." Yep. I noticed that. I think the horn gave it away.

"Hello there, Xyrus."

"Hi, Twilight. Say, you wouldn't be able to fix my nose, would you?"

"Oh! Of course! Hold still, I've got to asses your wounds."

Her horn began to glow with a fluid like, violet aura. She scrunched up her face a little before quickly pulling back, a shocked expression on her face, "You broke a rib! Two, actually. Thankfully it's only a fracture and I'll be able to heal It. Don't move, this may feel strange." I broke two ribs?! Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought... Wait, what if this is all a hallucination or I'm in a coma or something?

Just as I was about to ask Twilight if I had suffered any major head trauma, a cool, fluid-like sensation flowed through me, focusing on the parts of my body that were in pain. I felt the bone and cartilage rearrange on my face, followed by the split skin merging back together. Following that, I felt a sharp pain in my side that was gone as soon as it came. She was right, it did feel very strange, but as soon as she was done, all of the pain was gone. I felt my nose and confirmed that it was indeed back to normal. I also noticed my headache was gone, and so was the pain from the broken rib. Hell, my whole body felt better.

"Wow, Twilight. Thanks a bunch, all of the aches and pains in my body are gone. Completely!"

Just a little background info: I had suffered with minor scoliosis my whole life and my back had never, ever felt this straight. It just felt....right.

"No problem, Xyrus! Now I must contact Princess Celestia; I know she would want to speak with you, what with you being a previously unknown species and all. Not to mention you're sentient!" She turned to a little purple dragon with green spine (Why didn't I notice him before?) and continued, "Spike, take a note for Celestia:

‘Dear Princess Celestia,

I'm not sure if you're aware, but a creature called a human was found by Fluttershy earlier today. He was injured but I healed him. Please reply ASAP.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle’"

"Twilight...Sparkle" Spike repeated to himself as he finished off the letter. He rolled it up and engulfed the parchment with a green flame, sending a swirling mass of ash out the window.

"Woah, woah, woah, dude! Why'd burn the letter?" I asked as Spike blew the letter to smoke.

"What? I didn't burn the letter, I sent it. Dragon fire is magical, it's how we send mail."

So I'm in a world with talking Pegasi, Unicorns, Dragons, magic, instant healing, no crazy religious bullshit, and I've got most of my electronics and personal possessions. Not to mention my colorful array of drugs. Yum. Hmm...I wonder what kind of drugs they have here? Heh, pony drugs.

I sat up and cracked up back, following up with my fingers, toes, and neck. "Hey Fluttershy, do ponies have drugs?"

"Um...well, kinda. We have salt bars, but salt can be dangerous and it's addictive. It can really mess a pony up....Why? You're not a salt addict, are you?"

"Ha! Salt? Humans don't get messed up on salt! Nah, we got better stuff than that. But there are seriously no other drugs? Anywhere?"

"Nope! Not a single one!"

"So there's no illegal drug market or anything at all?"

“That’s right.”

"Then have I got something to show you, oh boy!" I pulled out my quarter-pound bag of Lemon Haze and opened it, stuffing my nose inside and taking a hearty whiff of the sweet buds.

"What...what is that?"

"What, these?" I asked, dangling the bag up next to my face with a smile, "These, my dear Fluttershy, are the marvelous dried flowers of the marijuana plant. I grew it myself." I said that last part with a little seasoning of pride. I was proud of my bud, and for good reason. I did grow the best stuff around. "Go ahead and take a whiff, you won't regret it, I promise."

She leaned her muzzle into the bag and sniffed. Her eyes widened as she grinned ear to ear and took another whiff, this time inhaling deeply, trying to take as much of the sweet, lemony scent as possible. "W-wow, that does smell mesmerizing." Her smile dropped and a confused look took over her face, "Wait, what do you do with it?"

I figured a demonstration would be the best answer, so I grabbed my pipe, got up, and asked Fluttershy where the front porch was.

"It's out this door and right down the stairs; you'll see the front door."

"Alright. Actually, if you would follow me, I'll answer your question. Twilight, Spike, c'mon down with us."

Fluttershy trotted along behind me to the door, followed by Twilight and Spike.  We stepped outside onto the porch and I pulled out a decent sized nug, broke it up a little, and put the pieces in the grinder I had pulled from my pocket. I twisted it back and forth, shredding the dried plant, readying it for toking. When it was all ground up, I emptied it in my hand and pulled out my pipe, packing it tightly to the brim. I reached into my back pocket only to find that my lighter wasn't there. I checked my other pockets but turned up nothing. Shit.

"Dammit, I don't have a lighter. How am I supposed to light my bowl?" I asked to no one in particular.

Spike spoke up, "I can make a little flame. Here, watch."

I watched as Spike puckered his lips like he was whistling and emitted a small, green flame from the small hole. Ok, that's awesome. I knelt and held my pipe down under the flame and took a nice, big hit. Ah, nothing like a fat bowl to chill out. I held it in a few more seconds before releasing a plume of white smoke, followed by a painful coughing fit.

"What did you do that for?" Twilight asked, "Why would you inhale a bunch of smoke if all it does is hurt you?"

I chuckled, "Oh, Twilight. That's where you're mistaken. It does hurt some, but once the pain is gone, that's when the fun begins. When you smoke weed," I pointed at the bag, "it gives you what is called a 'high'. It makes the world feel....thicker, if you will. It makes you feel extremely happy, and everything you do is interesting. The world as you view it becomes very surreal, and don't even get me started on music. Not to mention the munchies."

"Munchies?"

"Oh, it's when you get really, really hungry after you smoke. Like, crazy hungry."

Spike stepped forward. "Hey, can I try it?"

"Yeah, su-" Twilight cut me short, putting a hoof in front of Spike and saying, "Oh no you don't, Spike. I wanna see if this stuff is safe."

"Alright then," I said, holding the pipe in front of Twilight, "Spike? Care to light us up?" Spike walked over and ignited his little green flame and held it above the still partially green bowl. I put the mouthpiece to Twilights lips and said, "Okay, inhale slowly and no matter what, don't blow back into the pipe. If you must cough, pull away before hand. Otherwise, you may blow the whole bowl out onto the floor."

She began taking her first hit, the weed igniting and glowing a vibrant orange.

She inhaled for about four seconds before violently pulling away and coughing out what I swear was a fucking cloud. After she had sufficiently coughed her entrails out, she looked up at me with watery, bloodshot eyes. A stupid grin spread across her face as her eyes narrowed to slits, imitating the perfect stereotype stoner face.

"I feel..I-I...I feel...amazi-i-ahaHAHAHAHA!" She burst into a giggle fit that I could only describe as the single most adorable thing I ever heard, next to Fluttershy's. Nothing, not even a room full of puppies and kittens, could beat that giggle. She fell over onto the ground and rolled on her back with her hooves folded against her chest. She kept giggling and speaking incoherent words for about a half a minute before finally calming down to catch her breath and standing up.

"Y'alright Twilight? You were laughing pretty hard there." I asked.

"Yeah. Yeah I'm okay, but WOW I feel weird. But I feel good too. It's like....like I'm floating...and....wait, what was I just talking about?"

It was my turn to laugh a little. I knew how she felt right now and I was pretty high too. I decided to poke some fun at her. Ya know, just for shits -n- giggles.

"You were talking about how how many cupcakes could cover the moon."

"Oh oka...wait, I was? Huh." She began musing almost under her breath, "Well, a cupcake takes up about nine square inches, the moon's surface area is about fourteen point six million square miles, and there are sixty-three thousand three hundred and sixty inches in a mile...." She spoke up, "Then the moon can have eight trillion three hundred twenty-five billion five hundred four million cupcakes on the surface."

I looked at her, she looked back at me. We were silent for about four seconds before we both cracked up at the same time, and we didn't stop for another minute. In between heaves of laughter, I said, "Twi-Twilight. We-we need to um... We need to uh... We need to give-...give Fluttershy some- Ha! Some weed!"

She nodded in agreement and I turned to Fluttershy. She had that 'what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you-two' face on as she looked at me, then Twilight, then me, then back to Twilight, then over to Spike. He shrugged. "Well," she started, "that does look fun...oh, alright! I'll try it."

I chuckled in agreement and lowered the pipe down to her level. I put it on her lips and Spike ignited his sparkling, green flame and held it over the bowl. Fluttershy started to take a hit, slowly at first, then she went all out, clearing what was left in the bowl. I watched in amazement as this little pony, who had never smoked a day in her life, cleared an almost 1/3 full bowl from the biggest pipe I had. When she was done, she continued to hold the smoke in and her eyes look like they were bugging out of her head. Then, in a flash of white light and a fairly loud *BANG*, a wild taller pony thing with a crown, necklace thingy, wings, and a horn appeared! She tall and had a creamy white coat, violet eyes, a golden crown with a matching necklace thingy and shoes, and a sun on her ass. I hereby dub thee, Sunbutt. I then noticed her mane. It was an array of bright, cool colors that seemed to flow in a breeze that wasn't there. Her tail matched her mane, colors flowing in a nonexistent wind. What the fu-...how does it do that?  When she teleported in, it scared Fluttershy and she released a huge, thick cloud of smoke right into her face.

"Oh my goodness! Oh, I'm so sorry, Princess!" Fluttershy said through her fits of coughing, bowing to the princess as she arrived. So that must be Princess Celestia. I noticed that Spike and Twilight both bowed too so, trying to make a good impression on royalty, I gave an awkward, shallow bow.

"It's fine, Fluttershy. Don't worry yourself, but why in Equestria did you have smoke in your lungs?"

Fluttershy looked at Celestia, horrified. Celestia looked back at Fluttershy, then to Twilight, then me, then back to Fluttershy, then back to me, and then finally she looked at Spike. He shrugged.

Celestia sighed and turned to me. "Hello, I'm assuming you're the human Twilight informed me of?" She asked in a majestic, feminine voice.

"Yes, I am. My name is Xyrus. I'm assuming that you're Princess Celestia?"  She nodded and I continued, "As for Fluttershy, well, we were testing out some weed."

"Weed?"

"Oh, sorry. I forgot you don't know what that is. It's basically the dried, trimmed flowers of the cannabis sativa and indica plant. It can be smoked, and the effects include euphoria, excess happiness, a floaty feeling, pain relief, depression relief, uncontrollable laughter, and a plethora of other medicinal benefits. The best part is that it's basically completely harmless."

Celestia looked at me with a certain disbelief, as if she thought I was kidding. "Now, there are a lot of amazing herbs and medicines that help with a few of those things but I know of nothing that powerful, at least without some troubling side effects." So there *are** other drugs...* "You said it was a plant, right? It's not processed or synthesized?"

"That's right. It's a completely naturally grown plant. Also, the only real, though minor, health concern is the smoke. You inhale smoke into your lungs if you smoke it. However that's not the only way to take it. I can bake it into most foods and it can be ingested, eliminating the need to inhale smoke. Now, another way to do it without smoking is vaporizing. It makes the active compounds leave the flower without burning it."

Celestia was silent for a moment, pondering. Then, she said, "While I would like to see what this substance is like, I want to be very sure that this is not going to cause harm to me or my little ponies at all." My little ponies? Seriously? I'm sorry, but that just sounds absolutely ridiculous.

"Of course, I completely understand your concern. Back in my world, there were many millions of people who used this plant and not once in the thousands of years of history has one person gotten seriously injured or died as a direct result of the plant. It is extremely safe and has also been used as a medicine for millennia, and it's still used today."

Celestia nodded and replied, "Very well, it seems that this truly is quite harmless. If what you say is true, I suppose I'll try it out."

"Great! I'll be right back." I ran inside and up the stairs to the guest bedroom to grab my pocket vaporizer. I ran back down the stairs and rejoined the ponies on the porch, vape in hand. I grabbed another little nug and popped it in the grinder and twisted it back and forth, shredding the sticky bud. I put the shredded cannabis into the vaporizer, placed the cap on, turned it on, and waited. When the little green light that meant it was ready came on, I gave some instructions to Celestia.

"Now, I'm going to put the end of this to your lips. When I do, inhale through your mouth and stop the moment your lungs start to feel dry or you need to cough. Also, if you need to cough, go ahead. It'll hurt more if you don't."

She nodded in response and I raised the vaporizer mouthpiece to her lips. When it was firmly on her mouth, she began to inhale. After a few seconds, she pulled back and coughed two or three times. When she looked back up, her eyes were a red and she had a big, stupid smile on her face. Hehe, Sunbutt's high. Twilight, Fluttershy, and I just cracked up. A few moments later, Celestia joined in. We were all just standing there and laughing when Spike said, "C'mon guys! What about me?"

I looked at Twilight for confirmation. She just smiled and stared through me with barely open eyes. Good Lord, Twilight. You high as shit. I turned back to Spike and handed him the vaporizer. He put it to his mouth and took a fairly big hit, finishing it all off with a few coughs and wheezes. He handed the vaporizer back to me with a grin and said, "Dude, I feel amazi-ing-ngahahaHAHAHAHAA"

We all stared at him and quickly joined in geeking the fuck out. After a few side-splitting minutes of uncontrollable laughter, the giggling subsided.

Celestia spoke up this time, "I'm hungry. Can we go get some cake?"

I chuckled. "I'd love to. Where's the bakery?"

"Follow me, everypony!" Twilight said, starting off towards what looked like a little town. There's that 'everypony' shit again. Why can't you just say 'anybody'? We followed her into town and towards what I swear was a massive gingerbread house.

"I-is that....Is that a...gingerbread house?" I asked, bewildered.

"Yes, our friend Pinkie Pie lives and works there."

"Wait, she lives and works in a giant gingerbread house? That happens to be a bakery? That's sweet, dude. No pun intended."

Twilight chuckled at my pun and continued on. I looked around town and saw nobody but us. I wonder where everybody is... Eventually, we reached the gingerbread house with a little sign out front that read 'Sugarcube Corner'.

"Hey, where is everybody?" I asked.

"I dunno," Twilight said, a bit hastily.

I shrugged and walked up to the door and opened it. As I walked inside, I noticed that the lights were off. Hm, something's not right. Why are the ligh- "SURPRISE!!!!" Holy shit, that scared the piss out of me.

"HEY! Were you surprised? Huh? Were ya, were ya, were ya?!" A fluffy, pink pony with cotton candy-esque hair squealed at me as I trier to recover from the startle.

"Uh, yeah. Haha, a little." I said, still clutching my heart, still trying to regain my composure.

"Grrreat! I love surprising ponies in Ponyville! Heck, I like surprising anypony anywhere! But you’re not a pony but it doesn’t matter ‘cause I surprised you!" The pink pony's high-speed ramble was interrupted when she glanced at Celestia. "Oh hi, Princess Celestia!" She said with a bow. The rest of the ponies inside turned when they heard Celestia’s name, bowing when they spotted their princess. All too quickly, ponies of all colors came up to Celesta, bowing and asking if there’s anything they can do. Celestia let the first one go and get her some cake, and he quickly ran off to complete the favor. As for the others that asked, they just got waved away with a hoof.

I turned back to the pink fluffball and said, "Hi, I’m Xy- "

The pink pony turned her head back towards me and jumped up to my face, somehow levitating in mid-air while she sputtered a long string of words, cutting me off.  "HEY! You're the new pony in Ponyville!" Here we go again... "Well, you're not really a pony but you're NEW!” Is this pony insane or something? “And if you're new, then you don't know anypony and if you don't know anypony then you don't have any friends and if you don't have any friends then you need a Pinkie Party to get you friends so I threw you a biiiiiiggg party with everypony in Ponyville! By the way, my name's Pinkie Pie-" Yep, your magic purple friend told me. "-and I LOVE parties! Big parties, small parties, oooohhh all kinds of parties! And I threw you the best kind of party: A PINKIE PARTY!" Once she was done, she fell back to the floor, stood there, and smiled at me with her big, baby blue eyes, not even taking a breath. Okay, that's....what?

"Uh, hi Pinkie. I'm Xyrus; a human."

"Well hiya, Xyrus! And weeelcome to Ponyville!"

"Well thank you for the warm welcome, and as a repayment of sorts, I've got something to show you that will blow your fucking mind."

"Ooohhhh, is it fun?"

"Oh, yes. Very, very fun."

"Ooh, yippee! I love fun things! Well, what are you waiting for? BRING ON THE FUUUUUN!" Okay, so not just insane but an insane fun addict. A really annoying insane fun addict.

I chuckled lightly and reached into my pocket, grabbing my small bag of Lemon Haze, grinder, and vape. "Alright Pinkie,-" I started to grind up the weed, "- here's what I'm gonna do: I'm going to put this green stuff into this black thing-" I lifted the bag and vape, respectively, "-and then I'm going to put the end of the black thing to your mouth and you need to inhale. Stop when your lungs feel dry or you need to cough. If you have to cough, do it. It's better to cough if you need to."

"Okie Dokie Lokie! Wait...so what does it do?"

"Weell... The most common effects are euphoria, extreme hunger, pain relief, uncontrollable laughter, relaxation, an-"

"WAIT! What did you just say?"

"Relaxation?"

"Nono, before that."

"Uncontrollable laughter?"

"YES! Is that true? UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER?! That'll be like double uncontrollable laughter because I always like to laugh and this is gonna be....it's gonna be...it's gonna be AMAZING!!"

"Well let's not keep the fun waiting," I said halfway sarcastically as I finished up grinding the weed and putting it in the vape. I put the cap on and hit the 'on' button and waited for it to heat up. When the little green light came on, I held it up to pinkie's lips and she began to pull in the vapor. A few seconds later, she pulled back and held in the vapor for a second or two before exhaling it all with a few hearty coughs. When she was through with her coughing, she looked back to me, eyes red and a dumb grin plastered on her face. I just laughed. Then Pinkie joined in, followed by Spike, Twilight, Fluttershy, and finally Celetia chimed in with her own bouts of laughter. There we were, standing inside Sugarcube Corner geeking the fuck out while the whole town watched us in confusion. After thirty seconds or so of unintelligible words laced with waves of laughter and no sign of us stopping, the other party-goers went back to what they were doing.

It took about another minute for the painfully extended giggle fit to subside, leaving us practically gasping for breath.

Pinkie was the first to talk, "W-wow, Xyrus. Ha! I..need...*gasp*....I need to h-have...some..some CUPCAKES!"

"Well, that's what we all came here for so let's eat!"

Before I could even take a step, Pinkie ran over to the snack table faster than she physically should be able to and somehow grabbed about fifteen cupcakes in her arms and ran back over to us, handing out cupcakes to our stoned selves before eating the remaining ten or so cupcakes in one bite. After she swallowed them, she licked her face clean in one swipe, something that reminded me very much of Tom and Jerry. What the fuck? Okay, maybe I'm a little *too** high...*

I took a bite of my cupcake and my mouth exploded. Not literally but figuratively, ya know? IT WAS SO GODDAMN AMAZING THERE ARE NO WORDS HOLY FUCK. But seriously though, those were the best damn cupcakes I'd ever had in my FUCKING LIFE. The cake's consistency was moist and soft, melting away in my mouth while the icing dissolved and tickled every corner of my mouth. I don't know how she made cupcakes like these, but they were hands down the best thing I had ever tasted in the history of ever...ever.

When my angel-cum-mouth-gasm had subsided, I noticed that three other ponies had joined the group; a green-eyed orange pony wearing a stetson with a blonde mane and tail tied at the ends, a blue-eyed white Unicorn with a curly purple mane and tail, eye shadow, and bolder eyelashes, and a cyan Pegasus with a bed head rainbow mane and tail and magenta eyes.

The orange one spoke up first, and I noticed her thick country accent. "Well howdy there partner! Th' name's Applejack." She held out her hoof in a hand-shaking gesture and I took it. She took her other hoof and got a good hold on my hand before giving me a hearty handshake, almost knocking me off balance with her greeting. Damn, this pony is *strong*.

After regaining my composure, I smiled and said, "Well it's nice to meet you, Applejack. I'm Xyrus."

"Ah'm guessin' you're not from 'round these parts, are ya?"

"Nope. To be honest I have no idea how I even got here. One minute I was at the biggest bash of the year, the next I was running through the woods, and now I'm here. Go figure."

Pinkie butted in, "You were at a party? AND YOU RAN AWAY?? Why in the wide, wide world of Equestria would you do that?"

"Well," I started, but I was cut off by Twilight.

"Xyrus, let's save story time for later, you haven't met Rarity or Rainbow Dash yet." She gestured towards the white Unicorn and the cyan Pegasus.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Xyrus." The white one started in the exact high-class tone of voice that I was expecting, "If you don't mind me asking, what exactly...are you?"

"I'm a human, from the planet Earth. I've been told I am the only one of my kind here, so I'm assuming that this place is not anywhere on my home planet."

"Ooh, an alien! What kind of fashion do they have there? Oh, there must be some interesting clothes there. How I'd love to see an alien fashion show! Aahhhh!" She kind of lost herself in mumbling and I turned to the rainbow-maned one.

"Hey, you must be Rainbow Dash. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Sup dude?" She replied in a scratchy, tomboyish voice, holding out her hoof in a fist bump, or I guess in this case a hoof bump, gesture. I grinned approvingly and bumped her hoof with my fist. I think I'm gonna like this pony. She's the coolest one I've met so far.

"So Rainbow Dash, wanna try some weed?" I said with a smirk.

"What's...weed?"

"It's an herb that well, makes everything....awesome. In every way."

"Something that makes everything awesome? What are you waiting for??"

I grinned as I grabbed my vape and held it up to her mouth after giving her the same instructions I had told the others. She took a long pull and jerked back, coughing back out what she had inhaled.

"Gah, that hurt. But...I feel...whaa?. This...this feels...awesome!" She said 'awesome' in a high-pitched squeal, pushing her mouth into fish-lips with her hooves and narrowing her eyes. It was the funniest face I had ever seen in my life. I busted out laughing at her expression and she chimed in soon after with her own tomboyish laughs.

Our laughter died down to a chuckle and I wiped the tears out of my eyes, turning to Applejack and Rarity. "I don't suppose either of you want some of this?" I said, brandishing my vape in front of them.

"Well, it does look mighty fun..." Applejack said.

"Hm, I could do with a little cheer. Why not?" Rarity agreed.

"So who's gonna go first?" I asked.

"Go on, Applejack. You've been working awfully hard today and you could use some relaxation."

"Oh alright. Thanks, Rarity. Now what exactly do Ah do with it?"

Here we go with the instructions. Again. *sigh* whatever.  I told them both what to do and they both took their hits in turn, coughing afterwards just like everyone else had.

“By golly, this stuff really is amazin’! Ah haven’t felt this good in months!”

“Yes, it is certainly quite divine, if you ask me. Everything is just so....dazzling!”

I stopped listening to Rarity. To be honest, her accent and way of speech were really getting on my nerves. I thought I had met everyone I was supposed to, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being watched. I glanced around the party, searching for any staring eyes. All too soon I found myself looking into the two golden orbs of a mint green pony with a light teal and white mane and tail. She was watching me with wonder, as if she couldn't believe her eyes. When she saw me looking at her, she blushed and awkwardly waved at me. Well, might as well see what's up.

I walked over to the golden-eyed gazer and said in my classiest English accent, "Well, hello there. I couldn't help but notice your surveying glance and so I decided to come make your acquaintance. My name is Xyrus Tocker, and I'm what you'd call-"

"-a human!" The pony finished excitedly. How the fuck did she know? And why is she so enthusiastic?

"Uh, yes. A human. Anyways, what was your name?"

"Lyra Heartstrings at your service!" She said with a small bow, presenting her hoof for a shake. I took it in my hand and shook it firmly. Lyra stared in amazement at my strong grip on her hoof. "Wow, those fingers of yours really are strong! They just look so...fragile."

"Nah, they're actually extremely resilient." I said as I took my left index finger and pulled, twisted, bent, and all shades of abused it while Lyra watched, wonder apparent in her eyes.

"Oh my Celestia!" She said, grabbing my hand with magic, which is a truly odd sensation lemme tell ya, and closely examining it, "How can your fingers not..break?"

"The bones in fingers are very strong and flexible."

"Bu-but, how can they grasp something so firmly? I thought humans didn't have magic?"

"We don't. The muscles that make my fingers work are up in here." I said, pointing to the inside of my forearm. "They're connected via very strong tendons to my fingers and when they contract, my fingers pull inwards." I said, wiggling my fingers in front of her amazed eyes.

"Wow, that's incredible. Hey! You should come by sometime so we can talk a little more! This is all so fascinating."

"I'll be sure of it, Lyra." She grinned like mad and made this adorable little 'squee' sound when I said her name. "Now, where can I find you?"

"Oh! Well, whenever you wanna talk to me, all you gotta do is say 'Lyra Lyra' and I'll be there!" Okay, that's just downright creepy.

"Um. Okay.... I'll do that. Well I've got to rejoin my little group so I'll catch you later, Lyra!"

"Bye, Xyrus!" She said, waving to me as I turned to leave. Just as I took my first step away, Lyra got my attention. I turned back to face her.

"Yes?"

"Um, don't get weirded out or anything but.. Do you think you could uh.. Ya know....scratch behind my ears?"

I was a bit surprised at the request but I obliged. I reached my hands behind her ears and scratched them the best I knew how. I think I was doing something right because as soon as I started scratching, Lyra all but melted onto the floor, a mile-wide grin splitting her face. After about twenty or so seconds, I stopped and she restabilized herself. "How'd I do?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Words can't even begin to describe how good that felt. Your fingers are so soft it just...ahh! They're amazing!"

"Yes well, my hands do tend to have that effect." I said with a certain bit of pride, "I am a masseuse, you know." That was partially a lie. I'm not a professional but I did have a lot of experience and practice, courtesy of my mom and her fucked-up shoulders and back. She taught me over years how to massage and I had gotten extremely good at it. I'd like to say I was a professional, but we never had enough money to send me to any classes or anything. I was good enough though; Lyra certainly approved.

"Well I'm terribly sorry, Lyra but I must rejoin my group." I said, motioning towards The six ponies, Celestia, and Spike.

"Okay, but remember, all you have to do is say 'Lyra Lyra' and I'll be there!" That's still pretty creepy...

"Alright. I'll catch you around!" I turned and walked away as Lyra waved a parting hoof. I rejoined my party of ponies who were all talking, not surprisingly, about the weed that had been bestowed upon all of them.

As I approached, I chuckled and asked, “So guys, I was thinking. If I were to go to the park and do some cloud-watching, who would join me?”

They all agreed on my absolutely magnificent idea and we departed. Once we got outside, I stopped, turned around, and asked, “Um..where exactly is the park?”

They all laughed and Twilight volunteered to lead the way. Celestia turned to me as we walked and said, “Oh Xyrus, I almost forgot. I need to run some memory checks on you to, well, make sure you’re not dangerous. It completely slipped my mind before and I have no idea why...”

I chuckled at her weed-induced forgetfulness and said, “Okay, I can understand that. Weird alien randomly shows up and is intelligent, let’s make sure he’s not dangerous. But what exactly are you gonna do with my head?”

“I’m simply going to scan through your memories and make sure you’re not a threat.”

“Um, before you do that, I've gotta tell you something. Back in my home world, I was constantly surrounded by violence. If you find the violent memories, take them with a grain of salt. I only committed those acts through self-defense and in defense of my friends and home. I hope you will understand. I wasn't really the violent type, but I had my fair share of moments where my only option was violence in defense.”

Celestia was quiet for a moment, pondering. After a few moments of thought, she looked back up, “I understand. You see, when I check memories, not only can I see what you saw, but I can also see all of the reasoning and all of the thought processes. I will understand if you had no other choice. I’ve had circumstances similar to that as well. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to go ahead and get this over with so we can rejoin our group’s more interesting conversations.”

“Alright, Celestia. Mind read away.”

Celestia held a hoof out for me to stop walking. She turned to me and her horn bagan to glow with a golden aura. Just then, I felt a sort of presence, like a cool liquid trickling through my thoughts. It felt very peculiar but at the same time soothing; I was almost disappointed when the fluid-like mind scan was over. Celestia looked at me with a mixture of shock and sympathy. She didn’t say a word as she wrapped her wing around me, obviously trying to comfort me. I’m guessing she found some memories of the rougher points of my life. *sigh* I’ll never forget that night.... I returned the gesture, sinking into her soft coat as her large wing pulled me closer, almost picking me up off the ground. “I’m sorry...” she whispered quietly. “You’ve known more heartbreak, sorrow, and evil than anypony I know of, besides my sister and I.”

“Yeah,” I replied, “I know. I prefer not to remember those times. But at the same time, I don’t want to forget them. They remind me everyday that I have to be strong. Believe it or not, those memories were part of what helped me stay sane during my time on the streets."

"Well, you're not a threat, so when I get back to Canterlot I'm going to sign your Equestrian citizenship papers. Fluttershy told me that she is taking care of you right now until you can buy a house. If I were you, I'd try to get a job in Ponyville; I'd imagine you're going to find yourself needing some money here soon. Say, what are those paws of yours? I've never seen anything like them."

"They're not paws, they're hands. And these-" I wiggled my fingers in front of her "-are fingers. And they are extremely agile. Very handy. No pun intended."

"But they look so delicate. Wouldn't they break?"

"Nope.  Actually, they're very resilient." I said as I pressed my fingers back against each other and pulled, twisted, and bent them to show how strong they were.

"Wow, they look so fragile. I would expect them to break at just a little pressure. I guess I was wrong." She said with a small smile. "Well, if they are as agile as you say they are, I'll bet you could get a job as a masseuse at the salon in a jiffy. I'm sure that Aloe and Lotus would hire you in a heartbeat once they saw those fingers of yours. Hooves can only do so much you know, and I'll bet the pay is decent."

"That reminds me, what currency is used here?"

"Bits."

"Okay, how much are they worth?"

"Well, a nice house runs for around three thousand bits, but our currency system is strange. Basically, the rule is that the more bits you have, the more they're worth. For instance, you can buy a tomato for about a bit, but you can buy a really nice night for two at a fine-dining restaurant for about ten bits. The bit's value rises with quantity, if you will."

She was right; that is a weird system. Makes sense though.  Kinda. "So, what's the ratio? Like, how does the value go up as quantity goes up?"

"Well it's kind of hard to explain but it's not exponential. The prices fluctuate day by day, so it's difficult to track the exact exchange rate. Also, different locations may use different prices but for the most part it's all similar. Your best bet is to roll with it. Also, if something seems worth less than they're asking, haggle the price down. If you're good at it you can save a lot of bits."

"Alright, fair enough. It'll take a little while to adjust as the currency and prices in my home world are set. There are different currencies and although the values between do fluctuate, it's usually not anything worth noting." I decided not to mention The Great Depression. It would be a lot to explain.

Celestia continued, "Well, we tried that approach a few hundred years ago, but it didn't really work. Over time, the values just changed and eventually developed into the system we have today. You see, we don't have a treasury, nor do we have a national banking system. Any banks are privately owned and using them is at your own risk. That's not to say banks are not reliable, but it's better to know some background information on a bank before throwing all your bits in."

"A few hundred years ago? Just how long do you ponies live?"

"Well Alicorns, like my sister and I, can live for quite a few thousand years. Normal ponies like the ones you know usually live to be about-"

Our conversation was interrupted by the group calling back at us, "Hey guys, c'mon! We're here!"

We picked up our pace to meet the others in a nice little clearing, perfect for cloud watching. We all lied on our backs and stared up at the floating masses of ice crystals. Just then, Rainbow Dash jumped to her feet and soared up to join the clouds, grabbing- Wait, what? -a few and beginning to make a massive cloud raft. When she had finished, it was easily big enough for all of us to lie down on it. She walked over to Twilight and whispered something in her ear.

Twilight nodded and turned to the rest of us, "Fluttershy, Princess, would you step aside for a moment, please?" They did. "Okay everypony, and Xyrus, hold still."

Her horn glowed with the vibrant violet aura it had before and I felt a fluid-like, floaty feeling trickle down from my head to my toes. "Hold up, what did you just do?" I asked.

"I cast a cloud walking spell on you. Go ahead, hop on the raft." She gestured towards the white platform that hovered a few inches off the ground.

I looked skeptically at the mass of water vapor, slowly stepping forward. I put my left foot down onto the cloud, half expecting it to go right through.  However that was not what happened. When my foot made contact with the fluffy platform, it stopped. The cloud gave a little, but my foot was held up firmly with a force that I could only describe as a fluffy memory foam pad on a waterbed filled with thick syrup. I stepped up and put the rest of my weight on it as the others climbed on. Somehow, the cloud didn't sink down under our mass; it just remained in its impossible hovering position about four inches off of the ground. I reached down to the cloud and felt it, running my hand gently across the surface, feeling a plush, cotton-like texture as my fingers combed through the fluid-like solidity of the floating raft.

"Alright, you ready to see the most awesome view of Equestria you'll ever see?" Rainbow Dash said triumphantly as she began to effortlessly push the cloud up and forward.

The float (no pun intended) soared up into the sky being quickly accelerated by the power of Rainbow Dash's strong wings. When we reached a lower cloud layer, Dash slowed us to a stop and hopped up on the raft. I took a moment to soak up the view. It was incredible. I could see for hundreds of miles in every direction and the warm sun beat down on my back.

"Wow. Just...wow. The view is amazing up here. I don't think I've ever seen anything so..."

"Awesome?" Rainbow Dash cut in.

"Yeah. Something like that." Just then, I realized something I hadn't before. These ponies are speaking English. All of them. Perfectly. How in the hell....there must be some connection. "Hey I was wondering, how are you all speaking English?"

Celestia replied, "Well, what we're speaking is Equestrian. You're speaking English. Equestria has many languages but a spell I cast upon the land a few thousand years ago allowed the instantaneous translation of languages between races. It's a spell that lingers everywhere that affects every sentient being, translating any language that enters the brain into the native language of that being. It kind of works on some animals and non-sentient creatures but usually not as effectively. That's about the best I can explain it without speaking in magical terms that you would not understand, as magic is a non-existence in your world."

"Amazing. I wish we had that sort of thing in my world. It would've helped so many social tensions in the past and in the present."

Celestia nodded but didn't respond. Neither did anyone else. Soon enough, the sun began to set and we all watched the glorious day come to an end. On the opposite horizon, the moon began to rise in its 'journey' to the top of the sky. "Well", I began.

Twilight finished my sentence, "You need to find a place to stay, Xyrus."

Fluttershy gently poked at my side. I turned to face her. "Um...well it's just that...you've got...um, you have your things at my cottage and umm...well, I think it may be an okay idea if uh, you...." Fluttershy's voice reduced to a squeaking whisper, "stayed at my place?"

I smiled at her kindness and was about to agree when Twilight cut it again, "Oh don't worry, Fluttershy, I've got an extra bedroo-"

"NO!" We all turned to Fluttershy, surprised by her outburst. "Um...I mean.... I just think that, you know, he should stay with me because he's....well, a creature that's not from here, so I can take care of him until he finds a house....or something."

"I agree", I said, "Fluttershy was taking very good care of me when I left, and I have no gruff with staying at her cottage."

Fluttershy's face showed a look of relief and Twilight's a look of surprise and acute disappointment. "Alright then," Celestia said, "Xyrus shall stay with Fluttershy until he is otherwise able I live on his own in his own house."

"Well," Dash said to Fluttershy, positioning herself behind the cloud, "I'll drop you two off at your house so Xyrus can get settled in."

Dash began to push the cloud slowly forwards and down. Fluttershy's cottage came into view within a few minutes and we slowed our approach. When we were a ground level, Fluttershy and I stepped off the cloud, followed by Celestia. "Bye guys!" Dash yelled in her scratchy, tomboy voice as she switched sides on the cloud and began accelerating away. The rest of the ponies said their goodbyes before the cloud flew out of earshot.

Celestia turned to us and said, "Well, I've got to get back to Canterlot. I must file your citizenship papers now so that I may deliver them to you tomorrow." I nodded and thanked Celestia.

"Fluttershy, take good care of Xyrus and show him around town some more tomorrow. I'm sure some ponies around town would be eager to meet him after we abandoned the party so quickly today."

"You can count on me," she replied with a bow, "I won't let you down. And I won't let you down either, Xyrus."

The regal pony nodded and said, "I'll be off then. Good night Xyrus, Fluttershy" Celestia's horn suddenly glowed brightly and she was gone in a flash of golden magic. Fluttershy led the way inside and began towards what I assumed was a kitchen.

"Do you want anything for dinner?"

I wasn't all that hungry. I was however tired as hell. "I'll just have a glass of water, please."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'm just tired and I need some sleep."

Fluttershy nodded slowly in understanding and somehow got a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water. She handed it to me and I turned to go upstairs. Before I left though, I turned to Fluttershy, "You know, you are probably the nicest pers- er, pony I've ever met. You're caring and kind and you're very understanding and I thank you for your generous hospitality."

"Oh, well you're very welcome. I'm always happy to help one of my friends in need."

I smiled at the yellow Pegasus. "Thank you, Fluttershy. Now I've got to head to bed, I'm worn out."

"Goodnight!" She called behind me as I left to go upstairs. When I got to the bedroom, I grabbed my laptop from my bag and brought it to the bed. I flipped it open and logged in. There wasn't any wifi. I wonder why...

I pulled out my laser mouse and opened up Crysis. I love that game. Aliens 'n' shit. After about an hour of popping ceph caps in the Korean jungle, I saved the game, shut my laptop, and got comfy. It was then that I realized I may never see my family again. Then again, that wasn't saying much. My sister was the only blood family I had left, and we weren't exactly close.  I had good buddies, but no one I would miss to death. After that car wreck that killed my parents I’ve kind of been a loner. Parties and music were all I really looked forward to. I played trumpet in my high school band and was a pretty good player but circumstances stopped me from following my path to becoming a professional. No girlfriend, no house, no family. Shit, I'm a fucking nobody. But hey, I’ve got a new start in this weird fucking world of ponies and dragons and shit. Whatever. No humans though, and that means no sex...with humans that is. Well, fuck. I had booty calls back at home but I wasn't close to any of them at all. They were hot and they liked sex. That's about it. Here though, ponies. Ponies everywhere, and no humans. I know what you're thinking, you dirty fucking pervert. I'm not screwing a pony. No way, no how. Maybe a relationship would be possible but I don't see it likely. Sex though? Hell no. Not happening. They may not look like ponies from Earth but they're certainly not human, and I'm not exactly one for bestiality. Well, would it be bestiality? They're sentient and intelligent. They can talk. They have thoughts and personalities. Xenophillia, maybe? Yeah, xenophillia. Nope, still not fucking them. Whatever, I need some shut eye. Good-fucking-night.