The Celestial Grand Vizier

His mind a blur, Joseph stared up at the illuminated roof of his bed; clutching at his quilts ever so tightly.

He should not be this cold. He also should not be sweating, and panting from some unknown fear.

Only the modicum of his dream remained in memory; brief flashes of clarity, followed by a foggy mist that continued until the next flash.

Joseph wrestled his limbs up from his quilt, slapped his face, and clawed the sleep out of his eyes.

‘There was... I was. I was home! But...’ A dark shadow slithered over his mind’s eye.

‘A snake? A shadow of a snake? Chrissy was there, she was alright. Or was she angry?’

As he tried to concentrate on his dream, a crack of pain shot through his brain, and he was startled into a sitting position as he clutched at his head.

“Gaahhh...”

‘What in the hell was all that pain about?’ He drew his hands down across his face.  ‘Wait...’

He stopped, suddenly aware of a warm, slightly flaky substance on his upper lip. He drew his fingers up to look at them, and saw- ‘Dried blood? I had a nosebleed last night? Oh shit...’

Sure enough, as he turned around, he saw two red spots on the cream pillow where his cheeks were laid. The act of turning popped a few vertebrae in his back; and pushing against his legs and the bed, he rotated his upper torso to pop the rest of his back. All bones were accounted for with a sickening crack one each.

‘Oooh that felt better than usual... Voyance is probably going to kick me out for wrecking her pillowcase though...’ Joseph grimaced. The sheets in her guest room were rather nice, looking at them in the day-time. In fact, the room seemed much more alive in the daylight, as opposed to nighttime.

Looking past his bundle of covers, past the deep, red wood of his floorboard and posts,  the room seemed to glow, and seemed just as large as before.

A warm orange was painted over the walls, which on his left framed a tall mahogany armoire, surrounded by different shelves beneath multiple paintings of scenery, along with a few framed scrolls. Directly across from him stood a large dark doorway leading out into the hallway.  On either side sat two floor lamps shaded in silk, and on the right sat a map of the world of Equus. Nice it was that he had a picture of his new home- ‘NOT THINKING OF THAT RIGHT NOW.’

On his right a curved wall encompassed the rest of the room, winding back to form the wall behind him. A large octagonal window rested above a large dark wood desk, (covered with his 'check outs’ and his clothes he noticed) and bookcases covered the rest of the wall, stopping a meter short, giving room for a bedside table, on which sat a small lamp sporting the same shade as the other two.

In the center of the wooden floor sat a large floor rug designed in the shape of a quarter circle, sewn with deep earthen colors, while tongues of red and orange seemed to burn beautiful patterns into the carpet.

The walls were crowned in gold, and a golden chandelier hung above the room, unlit, as the solar fires of mid-afternoon poured through the one window.

Looking back at where he dropped his clothes last night, ‘All the way across the room... Awww...’ He attempted to move out of the bed and stand up.

No response.

Looking down, he pulled off his blankets, looking at where his feet were hiding earlier.  He now COMMANDED them to move. To which, he received the lethargic response of his feet tossing themselves off the side of the bed. To be honest, they looked less useful than a paraplegic octopus in their current state.

Joseph let out a long sigh, saying “Okay... So I’m not completely awake yet. Great.”

After a few minutes leaning over the side of the bed, panting for some strange reason, he managed to get up into a wobbly stand.

‘Okay, Joseph. Baby steps now.’

He began his slow march towards the desk with his things on top. Why was it taking so long to get up? Why was he fatigued all the time?

Joseph began to think on this.

He rationalized, ‘Since I may be the only one from my world that has taken on the essence of another being, not to mention, practically a half-GOD, this might be expected. Who knows?’

He narrowed his eyes as he reached the chair which had his clothes laid upon it.

‘One thing for certain, my body had better start adapting to this. This crap could get REAL old.’

Joseph picked up his hoodie and shirt, and tentatively smelt them.

Clean.

‘Smells better than clean, in fact!’

‘What the hell...’ He spent all day yesterday, crawling over a mountain and running around a library like a child in a candy shop! How... I- ‘How does it do that?’

“O~kay then...”

Pulling the clothes over him, buckling his ebony jeans on, he felt the sun from the window on his face for a moment more; before reaching down to put on his shoes.

Which had a hole in the bottom of one of them.

‘Shit. Must of happened when I was shoved through the portal.’

The bottom of the right shoe had a scorched hole the size of a quarter.

‘Hope a cobbler around here is up for a challenge...' The shoes were better than nothing however, and he attached the remaining clothing. Only one thing left to decide.

Breakfast...

Or magic books!

Breakfast...

Or- His rumbling stomach decided for him.

He started to head out into the hallway, before he felt the strangest sensation. He froze and turned around.

‘Where’s the staff?’

He looked around the bedroom, but sure enough, it was nowhere to be seen.

‘Perhaps I left it downstairs? Might as well check...’

He walked around the corner and down the hallway to the left. Paintings of country sides, awards and certificates of achievement dotted the light blue walls. He thought it curious that his room did not match the overall décor of the home. The passage way curved around to the right, ending up in a staircase that arrived in the foyer. As he neared the last step however, he heard a female voice coming from the living room that did NOT belong to Clair.

“No no no, these are not rubies, the cut is all wrong. I cannot say what they are, but they are definitely magical in nature. Although... The aural reading off of it is nothing that I have ever felt... You said the human just arrived with it out of the blue?”

“Yes, Mrs. Sparkle... And his name is Mr. Harper... He seemed-” Joseph paused and tuned Clair out, weren’t the Sparkles... They were in charge of the royal library? The one that he arrived at...

His mind flashed back to when they were exiting the library.

‘She left a note on the counter, allegedly for the books... That way, she could alert the castle staff to my presence without me knowing! Seems she’s much more clever than I thought...’ He had to prevent a chuckle from escaping his lips.

Wait, red jewels, ‘an object that I appeared with... Are they looking at the staff?’

He moved up to the corner to listen in on the conversation better. A man was-I- a stallion, was now speaking.

“Well then, this must be his relic!”

Clair spoke up, “Relic? What?”

The stallion chuckled. “There was a case study on humans in the Canterlot Times a few days ago... All of the humans here arrived with a certain relic that enhances their abilities, or grants them powers. Some of them grant them magical armor or clothing, others simply strengthen their powers over time. Judging by what you told us, I am willing to wager that this... Golden cobra, is the latter!”

Mrs. Sparkle spoke once more, “Oh dear... The snake is such a terrible symbol anyway... Are you suggesting that this staff would make him a possible threat?”

‘Great, another dicey situation to defuse.’

Clair spoke up at this, “No! He was so nice the other day, if a little overzealous, we can’t just assume-” She suddenly went quiet. A much older stallion now spoke.

“My dear Clair Voyance, we are not assuming, merely listing all the possibilities that this mysterious situation now presents us. It would be foolish indeed to pass negative judgment on him after such a short while in our company. But it would be even greater folly to assume he poses no threat. As my Princess has hoof-picked you to join our ranks, I have faith in you to handle all this. But surely you must see the delicacy of this situation! A creature, a~h ah! Alright, a I-he. Has appeared on top of Canterlot, broken into the royal complex, and raided the national archive for magical secrets.”

‘OH CRAP. SHIT SHIT SHIT. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!?!’

-You weren’t thinking...-

‘I probably just breached national security of an alien nation! No not probably! Jesus H. Fu-’

He paused. There was that feeling. He heard a female voice that time. He knew it, if it was a bit quiet.

He shook his head of that harrowing sense, and got back to eavesdropping.

‘For now, I can only chalk it up to being a side effect of changing dimensions. I honestly can't worry about it now anyway...’

“... You are right Grand Magus Firelight... As always...” Clair was, giving up? Turning him in!?!

The older stallion chortled. “Voyance, to say always, is as dangerous as saying never!”

There was a pause. Then the elder spoke once more.

“He can claim ignorance.”

‘YES!’

“As it stands, what you have described are classic symptoms of shock. He probably didn’t know what he was doing, or his mind was such a mess that he failed to reason with his impulses.”

‘Ayyy now... Wait...’ This ‘Firelight’ deepened his voice, and was probably leaning in for dramatic effect.

“We do not know his true personality. He could be as playful, yet arrogant as you described, he could be analytical, he could be sadistic, perhaps even this golden serpent holds a clue to who he is when no one watches.”

Joseph blinked. Yeah, that staff was going to be a real problem.

“All we have to judge him by are the average personalities and characteristics of the other humans, which says a great deal on its own.”

‘Gezus... Were the other humans really that bad?’

The younger stallion interjected, “Grand Magus, if I may interrupt, the last human that arrived, the one that showed up in the sculpture garden, he was more of a gentle giant! Surely that must give some hope...”

“While reports of the other humans conflict, it seems that they are much more... Should I say, arrogant? Belligerent? We can wish that we lucked out, and that we have another human that adheres to the better part of their nature, but we must be on guard.”

Joseph actually liked this Grand Magus character. Calculating, but not cruel; perfectly neutral, and sticking to logic and facts.

Clair spoke once more. “I still vote we should give him a chance.”

Firelight answered, “As do I. It is the only fair way to proceed. What say you two?”

There was some faint shuffling, then the Grand Magus spoke once more. “Then it is unanimous. Once we speak with him, we can determine how we shall proceed. My dear Voyance, you said he was asleep in the guest room, yes?”

“Um, do you want me to wake him up sir?”

He chuckled, “No, no... He has had quite the day yesterday, hm? We shall let him rest for a little while longer...”

That was all Joseph needed to hear. He turned around the staircase, and moved back through the hallway towards the kitchen.

‘I can grab an apple from the fridge, act like I just woke up, then walk in on them in the living room. Perfect!'

He stopped in the entrance to the kitchen.

‘But, I’m trying to make a good impression here. If I start lying to them now, when would I stop... Hah! Then I suppose I would be like the snake they’re afraid I am, wouldn’t I?’

And Joseph did not want to be a snake. So he called out, his deeper voice slightly reverberating through the tiled room.

“Hey Clair! Do you mind if I grab an apple? Kinda hungry actually...”

He heard more shuffling from the living room, followed by Clair’s answer.

“Um, No! No thats alright! I uh, I actually got some groceries today, so if you want some chips, or some muffins or something, go ahead!”

“Thanks!” He turned towards the counter on the far side of the fridge. There was a box filled with...

‘Oh god yes, blueberry muffins! The gods of baked goods have smiled upon me this day!’

Joseph grabbed a muffin out of the box, guiltily leaving behind the rest of those poor, uneaten puffs of goodness. Before turning around, he remembered his nosebleed. He put down the muffin, turned toward the sink, and washed his face off. After scratching and wiping his lip, he turned off the water, dried his hands on his shirt, and picked up his muffin. Heading towards the living room, he decided to go with full honesty.

“I uh, hope none of you mind, but I woke up a few minutes ago, and I couldn’t help but overhear some of your conversation. Didn’t want to interrupt and all that.” He thought, and then added, “Plus I was a little curious as to what was going on.”

He walked into the large living room, seeing the crowd of ponies seated in a large oval.

On the black leather love seat sat a mare and a stallion, both unicorns. The stallion was blue, with a darker blue flowing mane, yellow eyes, and a cutie mark consisting of two crescent moons. The mare was a pale white, sapphire eyes, had a finely cut mane alternating lavender and white stripes, and a cutie mark of three purple stars. ‘Perhaps those are the Sparkles?’

Nearby stood a pair of pegasus guards, both pure white, with golden armor. On their left, in a large deep blue seat facing the foyer, sat an old unicorn, with a black and gray, trimmed  angular beard and mane. The unicorn was a pastel golden color, and had Joseph’s staff laying on the coffee table in front of him. His cutie mark consisted of a sort of Ying-Yang constructed of blue and red flames. ‘Definitely the Grand Magus...’

Turned around and facing Joseph, was Clair, sitting in a plush light blue chair. All had cups of tea on saucers, with various crumpets and muffins sitting in front.

‘Damn. These ponies are eerily similar to humans, once you see enough of them.’ At any rate, now was the time to introduce himself.

Joseph bent into a light bow, saying, “As you all probably imagine, I am Joseph Harper, the... Unintentional guest in your beautiful city.”

The couple on the couch smiled at this, and introduced themselves. The stallion spoke first, “Hello there Mr. Harper, I am Mr. Crescent Sparkle, and this is my wife...”

“Mrs. Starlight Sparkle, a pleasure.” The wife finished the sentence.

‘Wow. Talk about in-sync...’

Mr. Sparkle coughed. “Ahem, I believe that it was in our establishment that you and Clair happened upon each other?”

‘Alright Joseph Anthony Harper, it is time for diplomacy... Um, how do?’

“I, yes, that would be correct. I apologize for intruding, but, waking up in a strange new world, I was frightened of meeting the inhabitants... Suppose I wanted to find out a bit more about this world before I go waltzing the streets...” He moved over and pulled a leather seat from the corner, carefully lifting it with one foot and hand so as to not scratch the floor.

“I think it is a well-known fact that I got rather... Carried away with my selection of books...”

Joseph noticed a shift in the guards at this last line. They seemed a little agitated... Were they the ones supposed to be guarding the wing for magical tomes? Or were they angry that he had snuck past their ‘impenetrable defenses?’ Firelight just seemed to study him.

Mrs. Sparkle beamed at this.

‘Huh?’ He sat down in the chair he pulled up.

“Well, we are well used to certain ponies perusing the library at odd hours, aren’t we honey?”

Mr. Sparkle chuckled, “Yes, yes. Tell me, why were you so interested in the magical wing, if you don’t mind that is.”

Joseph thought for a total of half a fraction of a sixteenth of a nanosecond.

“Because MAGIC!” He actually squeed. “I mean, my world doesn’t even have magic!” He quickly thought back to Jafar’s lecture...

“Well, at least not anymore. It only existed in fantasy tales, and games, and such! And now there’s a library right smack dab in the city, with rows upon rows upon aisles of BOOKS? BOOKS about MAGIC? How could I not want to read every single one of them? I love books! I love magic! When I saw that title above the door, it was like an early birthday!”

The Sparkles had burst out laughing at this, as well as Clair and Firelight had begun to chuckle.

“What?” Joseph stopped and looked around at the laughing ponies. ‘Holy shit, these ponies are creepy with their similarity to humanity...’

Mrs. Sparkle waved away a tear from her eye. “Oh, ho-ho no, it’s nothing. That little explanation struck us as exactly what of one of our children would say.”

Mr. Sparkle added, “Of course, she isn’t here in Canterlot right now... In fact she’s down in Ponyville...”

And just like that, the mood in the room darkened.

“Uh... If you don’t mind me asking, Ponyville is the village south of here, right?”

Clair nodded.

“It’s also the one currently covered by a giant fishbowl. Correct?”

The Grand Magus raised an eyebrow at him.

‘HOLY SHIT, THESE PONIES ARE EXPRESSIVE. And still creepy...’

“Well, I saw the ordeal happening from the mountainside.”

The Grand Magus spoke. “Indeed, I would not say a fishbowl. We have determined it to be a highly advanced forcefield, so much so that it has taken on a solid projection, rather than pure energy. The fact that a unicorn could manage to create it in a matter of seconds, is rather disconcerting at the least...”

Now he understood.

“Ah. So she could be in danger...”

Mr. Sparkle looked up. “No no, we’re sure she can handle herself. She has saved the world multiple times already. But we just worry about her sometimes...”

‘Saved the world? Wait, didn’t Clair mention that their daughter was an ‘Element of Harmony’ shortly before we went to bed? What was her position... Magic? Twiglit Spergle was it? No...’

“Twilight Sparkle?”

Everyo-Everypony’s eyes widened, excluding Clair.

Firelight narrowed his eyes. “How did you know of her?”

It was Clair who spoke up. “Actually I told Mr. Harper about Equestria a little last night. The Elements of Harmony came up a couple times...” She actually looked ashamed.

‘Did she get in trouble because she told me too much?’

Joseph focused on unwrapping his muffin.

“Yes, she told me about your daughter. Element of Magic and all that. I must say, you must be extremely proud of her!”

The Sparkles seemed a bit more at ease because of that comment. Mrs. Sparkle levitated her cup of tea to her, and drew a small sip. ‘I am SO learning that! Assuming I can...’

“Defeating that Nightmare character, facing off with a God of Chaos... Quite the impressive résumé if you ask me.” He took a bite out of his muffin. His eyes widened.

And oh my god.

‘The nectar of the gods must’ve been used in the making of this perfect confectionery.’

‘No, gotta focus on the here and now.’

Joseph sat back in his chair, looking back at the Sparkles.

“Now, am I correct that she is, I believe it is, Princess Celestia’s protege?” He picked up the crumbly muffin, taking another bite. Words could not describe that muffin.

Mr. Sparkle puffed out his chest and drew his crumpet from his plate with magic. “Why yes indeed! You could imagine our surprise when we got the news from Celestia herself. Why, it seems not too long ago she was first trying to get into the Academy...”

Joseph gestured toward the couple with his muffin. “That is to say, Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, correct?”

Firelight chuckled over his cup of tea; setting it down, he said, “For a newcomer, you certainly like to keep informed!”

Joseph took a bite out of his muffin and made a modest shrug. “Finding myself on a random world, I should hope I learn about it quickly!”

Firelight leaned forward in his chair, “Yes. You said a random world just then. Pardon me for asking, but does that mean you had no choosing of the world you arrived in?”

Joseph looked at him. ‘It is honestly unsettling how intelligent they are. Guess that’s just because in my world, humans are the only sentient beings after all...’

“That would be correct. You know, I was pretty much just shoved into this world to be honest.”

“Shoved in, how, might I ask?”

He supposed he could answer Firelight’s question. It was only fair after all. “Actually by another human, who I shall say was... Compromised. That’s actually where the staff came from.” He took another bite of his muffin, half gone. “Sort of, a relic of his. No idea why he chose a snake of all things...”

‘Please accept that explanation, please oh please oh please...'

Firelight leaned back in his chair and gazed at the staff in front of him. Mr. Sparkle seemed rather proud of himself, while the Mrs. rolled her eyes. Clair... Clair still seemed nervous around him, never quite meeting his eye.

Silence prevailed over the room for a few, long moments. Then the Grand Magus spoke.

“Say, have you any plans for next week?”

Odd question. He couldn’t help but chuckle, considering the way he put it.

“Well, I don’t think I will have plans for quite a while; all things considered.”

Firelight let out a throaty, ‘hmm.’

“What say you to meeting royalty?”