Vaas Montenegro Learns the Magic of Friendship

Everyone seemed to think Vaas was dead.

He heard it as he was being carried to his fate, the spear shaft still jutting from his stomach: "Sweet Celestia, he's dead..."

He heard it in the throne room: "He's dead, Your Highness."

He heard it as he was roughly tossed into a hole in the ground: "Are you sure he's dead?..."

"Definitely."

Well, he wasn't. Not yet, anyway. He couldn't see anything, but he could hear, although everything seemed muffled. That was good, at least. He'd need to reveal himself to be alive soon, but he couldn't seem to make any real noise. His entire body had been hastily wrapped in bandage-like material after his initial death pronunciation, in preparation for his presentation to the Princess. This made it almost impossible to breathe. His mind was swimming from lack of oxygen. The spear had been left in.

"We should probably take the spear out, don't you think?"

Oh shit.

He felt some sort of warm energy take hold of him, lifting him from his would-be grave, and nearly blacked out from pain as the javelin was wrenched from his abdomen. Realizing that some of his innards had been pulled out with it, he was overcome with a wave of nausea. He would have thrown up, but his insides didn't seem to be working right anymore. There was new blood in his mouth, so perhaps that was good enough in place of vomit. He could feel fluid pouring from his stomach, and he began convulsing. To his own surprise, he began screaming bloody murder.

After several seconds of this, he began to choke on his own blood, coughing it onto the rest of his face and soaking the bandages around his head.

Well, at least they new he was alive now.

His body twitched into the fetal position, preparing for the inevitable barrage of spears to assail his body and take whatever life he had left. None came.

"... He's alive."

No shit.

"Should we just kill him?-"

"No! We can't. You remember how angry the Princess was when we attacked him the first time. Surely, someone must have heard him screaming; we can't risk Princess Celestia finding out that we had to kill him again. She might even be watching us right now, for all we know. All we can do now is take him to her."

Only then did they seem to notice that his lifeblood was pouring from him in bloody torrents.

"He's dying!"

No shit.

He felt the strange energy wrap around him once more. An immensely uncomfortable sensation spread through his abdomen, almost like the pins-and-needles feeling of when a limb falls asleep, only amplified; the pain diminished, but in no way disappeared. He felt the fluid cease to flow from his stomach. He was then lifted onto what could only have been one of the guard's backs.

With every step the guard took, a jolt of agony erupted through Vaas's torso. He whimpered, and then realized with an even more painful jolt that he had just whimpered. Vaas Montenegro, Lord of Rook Island, master of hundreds of men, just whimpered from a little pain.

And then the guard stumbled, and he fell to the rocky ground. A large stone drove itself through the bandages, straight into the hole in Vaas's stomach.

And then he blacked out.

***

"What is your name?"

Vaas said nothing. He was nauseous enough as it was; the last thing he wanted was to open his mouth.

"I shall ask again," Princess Celestia said. "What is your name?"

Her tone was kind but severe, as if he were a child that needed scolding.

Again, Vaas remained silent.

"Human, my patience is infinite. We shall do this all day if you do not answer, and all of tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Now, what is your name?"

True to her word, when Vaas refused to answer, Celestia continued to ask. For hours she played her game; her apparent indifference was maddening. Her tone never changed; she never wavered in her patience.

Dusk was approaching, and she asked once more, "What is your name?"

And then Vaas snapped.

"VAAS FUCKING MONTENEGRO, YOU STUPID! FUCKING! CUNT! WHO DO YOU FUCKING THINK YOU ARE?! I'M VAAS! NO ONE FUCKS WITH ME AND LIVES! GOT IT?! WHEN I GET OUTTA HERE I'M GONNA BRING MY BOYS BACK AND WE'RE GOING TO KILL EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU!" he managed to push himself to his feet. In the shock of his outburst, the nearest guard didn't even try to stop him as Vaas wrenched the spear from his grasp and hurled it at Celestia.

She smiled.

The spear took her in the throat, and shattered. Shards of hardwood and metal flew across the room; one caught Vaas in the shoulder, further contributing to his injuries. One guard screamed as a fragment of gilded steel ripped through his leg, but Celestia healed it before the guard hit the ground.

Vaas lay on the floor, writhing, vomiting up what little was in his stomach. He remained unaided.

"My name is Princess Celestia," the goddess said. "I have been here since the dawn of Equestria. I have waged war, forged peace, and kept it for thousands of years. To put it in a way that you would perhaps understand..."

Celestia rose from her throne, and descended the crimson carpeted steps down the the floor. She knelt beside Vaas.

"... No one fucks with me."

And then she healed him.

While the guard's healing magic had felt rough and uncomfortable, the energy that surrounded Vaas felt as warm and tender as a lover's caress. All his wounds closed and faded into scars.

"I hope you're well aware of that fact now," Princess Celestia said, almost sadly. "I do hate to see pain and suffering on my behalf."

... So she wasn't just a cunt. She was a sentimental cunt. That was even worse.

"Now," she said, her manner turning businesslike, her tone betraying a hint of unease. "Vaas Montenegro the Human, on behalf of Equestria, I am here to beg for your help."