The request rang across the room like a gunshot. Vaas himself was shocked; he had been expecting the death penalty, at the very least.

He wasn't sure whether or not he was glad of the change.

"Celestia!" a voice pierced the silence, and a midnight blue mare strolled indignantly into the room. She had the wings of a pegasus and the horn of a unicorn... Just like Celestia.

Oh Jesus Fuck, there's two of them.

"Luna," Celestia said. Jesus, are there no normal names around here? "This is Vaas. He's here to help us with our problem."

Princess Luna's already dark face turned a shade darker. "Sister, you swore to never speak of that-"

"Not, dear sister," Celestia said. "Not... Not that problem. Our problem. Equestria's problem."

"Oh," Luna said, staring at the ground and shuffling her feet. "Regardless... You would trust this... This... Creature..."

"This creature's still in the room, bitch," Vaas said politely.

"... This creature, who murdered Sharp--I mean, who murdered one of your own Royal Guardsmen, to defend the realm?"

"I feel like I'm being judged," Vaas said.

Luna rounded on him.

"Hold thy tongue!" she growled. "Or I shall tear it out!"

Vaas stuck out his tongue and pinched it in his thumb and index finger. "Like thith?"

Luna reared, snarling, but a barrier of energy sent forth from Celestia's horn prevented her from charging at Vaas.

Vaas was still pinching his tongue. "Did I thtwike a nuhve?"

"Do as my sister says, human," Celestia commanded.

"I am!" Vaas said, wiggling his tongue.

Celestia nodded to one of her guards. Before Vaas could react, the shaft of the guard's spear was slammed into the back of his head. All he saw was red; and then the pain came, agonizing at first, but quickly receding to a dull ache behind his eyes.

When he looked up, Luna was weeping openly into her sister's shoulder. Everyone in the room except Celestia appeared extremely uncomfortable.

"It's all my fault..." Luna was saying. "I was the one that suggested he guard the human! 'There's no one more qualified than you,' I told him. 'Standing around is all you do these days anyway.' It was supposed to be a joke, Celestia! We were going to laugh about it afterwards!" she tried to stifle her sobs to whisper what came next, but it carried through the hall anyway. "What about the baby, Celestia? How can I raise it without a father?"

There was an audible gasp from the back of the hall. Even the guards looked stunned, though they did their best not to show it.

"She's PREGNANT?!" came a sharp cry from the back of the hall. "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!!!"

"Pinkie, SHUT UP!" said a softer voice.

"Great, now they know we're here," said another.

Celestia looked towards the origin of the voices.

"Twilight Sparkle," she said. "Step forward."

Vaas turned to look. Six ponies emerged from various pieces of cover; two pegasi, one cyan and the other yellow, came out of a shrub by the hall's entrance, along with a white unicorn and two regular ponies, one pink and one orange, who crawled out from under a stone bench; finally, a lavender pony with both a horn and wings like those of the two Princesses, along with what appeared to be a small purple dinosaur, emerged from an adjacent shrub on the other side of the entrance. She and the other five slowly approached the throne.

"Yes, Princess," the lavender pony said, clearly ashamed of her actions.

Celestia smiled. "I am not angry, Twilight. No doubt your insatiable curiosity was sparked upon the mentioning of a human here in the castle. But these are grave matters, not to be trifled with by those such as yourselves."

"Enough!" Luna shrieked, hysterical, causing the six ponies to quake in fear. The dinosaur had hid behind the white unicorn's hindquarters, but he was still visible, and judging by the look on his face, his eyes glued upwards and his mouth hanging open, he wasn't too unhappy about his current position.

God, is everyone here fucked up?

"Is this creature going to answer for his crimes, or are we going to let him stroll out of the castle and entrust to him the safety of Equestria? How do we know he won't go take more innocent lives?!"

"My sister raises a valid point, Vaas the Human," Celestia said. "How do we know we can trust you?"

"Well..." Vaas said, standing. "Me, I'm dishonest." Celestia raised an eyebrow as Vaas began to slowly back away, waving his arms for emphasis. "And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you've got to watch out for, because you never know when they're going to do something incredibly... Stupid." Faster than anyone in the room could have believed, Vaas kicked the lavender Alicorn's legs out from under her, caught her in a headlock, and drew his 1911 pistol in one fluid motion, putting the barrel against her right temple. He raised it long enough to fire two shots at the ceiling, causing bits of debris to fall, demonstrating what his pistol could do. As he put it back against the pony's head, he began to slowly walk away towards the exit.

"Now!" he screamed. "In exchange for this bitch's life, I want these two immediately removed from power!" he gestured at Celestia and Luna, who were standing openmouthed. "I will take up the rule, and I will reign over this petty fucking land! Henceforth, I shall be known only as Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All!"

He paused, letting this sink in.

"Nah, I'm just kidding," he yelled, chuckling. "I'll help you guys out. I take it that I am your last hope, and without me you are completely and royally fucked, am I right? Of course I am." He began laughing hysterically. "And you know what the best part of diplomatic immunity is?..." Vaas pulled the trigger, spraying the wall to his left with the Alicorn's blood, brains, and skull. The five remaining ponies screamed, but Celestia simply stood there, her mouth wide open, a single shimmering tear running down her face. Vaas grinned. "You can't do a single fucking thing about it."

Author's Note

I wonder if this is how George R.R. Martin feels every time he kills off a character in his books. Because I have to say, it feels pretty fucking good. I surprised even myself with the ending there.