The sun wasn’t even up when Pinkie Pie arose in her bed at Sweet Apple Acres, smiling. Vaguely, she remembered the dream she’d just woken up from: she’d been at a party. Somehow, this didn’t feel like the first time she’d had that dream.

Pinkie gave a quick look over at her clock. Soon enough, the sun would be shining and when that happened, the roosters would wake the others up with their crowing. She felt too well-rested to return to sleep. Why not give her family a wonderful breakfast to wake up to?

* * *

She found herself singing softly to herself as she prepared the food. The tune was something that just came to her out of nowhere…

“...Baking these treats is such a cinch,

Add a teaspoon of vanilla…”

“Granny! Big Macintosh! She’s done it again!” came the delighted squeal of Apple Bloom. Pinkie Pie peeked out through the kitchen door just long enough to see her little 'big' sister canter downstairs. The little filly must’ve just woken up; she hadn’t even put that pink bow she loved so much in her mane.

Apple Bloom approached the table, eyeing everything that sat upon it. “Whoa, Nelly…”

“There’s jest a little more left ta bring out, Bloomy,” Pinkie told her sister. “Wanna help me finish makin’ it?”

“That’d be swell!” Apple Bloom said, hurrying into the kitchen.

Before long, Big Macintosh also came down the stairs and Granny Smith had emerged from her own bedroom to find that the table was fully stocked.

“Jest look at this spread!” said Apple Bloom, immediately loading up her plate with pancakes and apple cinnamon buns, and an apple crumb muffin.

“Eeeyup!” agreed Big Mac, helping himself to some buttermilk biscuits and fried potatoes, pouring coffee for himself.

Pinkie served Granny her oatmeal, bran muffin, and apple juice before pouring her own cup of coffee. She took hers with five creams and five servings of sugar; (it amazed her how Macky or anypony for that matter could drink the stuff black.) Before starting in on her breakfast, Pinkie held back to savor the lovely sight of her family eating, together and happy, then took her first bite of her ooey-gooey apple cinnamon bun, soft and moist and still hot from the oven.

“How’ve ya been doing with yer school stuff?” she asked Apple Bloom. There were times where the love Pinkie felt for the little filly was more maternal than sisterly. If she were to one day have a daughter who was like Apple Bloom, she’d count herself a blessed mare, (and how many girls could say such a thing about their sisters?)

“Gotta B+ on mah last homework project!” Apple Bloom told her.

“Atta girl, Bloomy!” Pinkie told her, and they hoof-bumped.

“Yer not gonna believe this, but last night, Ah dreamt Ah’d gotten mah cutie mark in being an astronaut!” Apple Bloom announced.

Pinkie Pie smiled as she thought about that: Apple Bloom in a rocketship! Well, who really knew? By the time Bloomy grew to her own age, maybe the technology would reach the point where they could actually send ponies into space!

“Ah dreamed Ah was back with Grampy Smith,” sighed Granny. “Ya youngins remember yer Grampy?”

“Eeeyup,” said Big Mac.

Pinkie didn’t want to admit that she barely remembered a thing about Grampy, so she swallowed more coffee and told her family, “Ah dreamt Ah was throwing a party.”

For some reason, Pinkie found herself looking at one of the apple crumb muffins, imagining it being topped with vanilla icing and sprinkles. Would that make it a cupcake, then…?

At that moment, a green cloud of smoke formed over the center of their table, turning into a letter. It briefly startled the family of earth ponies, before they realized it could only be from Spike.

“Seems a bit early in the day fer Spike to be sendin’ letters…” Pinkie thought aloud, looking over at the clock.

“Mebbe it’s a super-secret mission the Princess is sending ya on!” said Apple Bloom, eagerly pushing the letter over towards her sister.

She took the letter and read it. It wasn’t a mission from Princess Celestia. Horror filled Pinkie’s heart. “L… Lero…”

“What about Lero?” asked Apple Bloom.

Still stunned, Pinkie passed the letter over to Big Macintosh, so he could read what happened to his friend, dimly taking another bite of her cinnamon roll. It was still solid in her mouth, sliding down through her esophagus when she swallowed and filling her belly. But now the taste was of nothing.

* * *

As the human was not yet able to take visitors, Pinkie Pie had thrown herself into her farm work. What had happened to her friend hadn’t affected her anywhere as badly as the aftermath of the glufferflork attacking her brother. Yet, for all that time, everything her eyes fell upon would remind her of Lero.

She bucked apples off her trees, and remembered that day Lero and Twilight had come by her farm, before Lero had gotten his voice back… her leg muscles had felt so weak back then…

A few little weeds were springing along the roots of her trees. As Pinkie pulled them out deftly, she remembered hiring Lero to do weeding for her, back when he was first starting out in Ponyville.

She fed her chickens and cleaned out their coops, while recalling what it had been like chasing them in the rain with Lero.

She went to her tool shed and decided it could do with a touch of cleaning. It didn’t really take long, either; these days, it was a tool shed to be proud of! Polished tools were organized on their racks; the hay bales squarely stacked, and the jars of apple preserves already boxed up in their specially compartmentalized crates.

“POISON, Pinkie Pie!” echoed Macky’s voice in her head. “That’s the stuff of the Flim Flam brothers, not the Apple Family!”

How horribly messed up she’d been back then. Thank Celestia’s golden sun Lero had brought her to Big Macintosh for a talking-to.

She loaded her apple preserves onto one of the pull carts and went over to their stand in the marketplace, taking over for Big Macintosh, who gave her a brotherly nuzzle on the cheek before returning to the farm. As usual, several of her customers took a moment or two to share gossip.

“...Have you heard any new news about what’s happened to your human friend...?” asked Davenport.

“...We always knew Honeydew had it in for Lero, but this...!” said Rose.

“...And to think you’re always warned against the quiet ones…” said Noteworthy.

“...They say it happened at the old Boulder & Daughters quarry mill… one of my own mothers used to work there...” said Sandstorm.

“If this is a mob that’s involved, do you think there’s going to be some kind of retaliation?” asked Fuschia Fizz.

“...Heard Twilight did something weird to Honeydew’s cutie mark in a fit of rage…” said Bottlecap.

“I heard Lero’s already dead,” said Mayor Mare.

Pinkie didn’t remember eating dinner that night; she was only left with just a vague recollection that her family had been with her at the table. When she was done eating and the dishes were washed and put away, she went straight up to take a long shower, and thought about Lero some more.

Careful there, Pinkie… she thought to herself wryly, as the hot water spilled down her mane. Keep going at this rate, and you might as well start calling Rarity and Twilight and Rainbow Dash your herdsisters.

She laughed a little at the thought. Laughter and smiles came so naturally to her these days, (though, perhaps, she could be forgiven for not being as upbeat on this particular day.) No doubt Lero would need some of that cheerfulness, down in that hospital room they had him in. She’d stop by the hospital with Big Mac, Apple Bloom, even Granny, if she were feeling up to it, and pay her human friend a visit as early as Lero’s doctors and nurses would permit.

Having soaked herself thoroughly, Pinkie looked behind her in search of the soap, pausing to consider her own cutie mark. How wonderful they looked; those three red apples upon the pink of her pelt. How grateful she felt that Lero helped her remember what her cutie mark truly meant: that she was working hard not just for hard work’s sake, but FOR her family. It spelled the difference between misery and wasted effort, and glad spirits in a happy, thriving home. No golden medal could have made Pinkie prouder than those three apples, for there was no finer family to be a part of than the Apples.

No, she wouldn’t trade this wonderful life of hers for any other out there.

* * *

Another Swap. Another Swap. Another Swap, and here he was recuperating in another hospital right after it’d happened, to boot. Déjà vu at its worst. And for the new Swap-ees to be Honeydew and Exit Wound, of all possible ponies…

...Well, those two had given Lero such an endless banquet’s worth of food for thought, that at no point while he was at Ponyville General Hospital was he ever truly bored. Distressed, saddened, self-pitying, worried, angry, and terrified, perhaps. But at least not bored.

For the first couple days, Lero received no visitors apart from his physicians. Not because nopony wanted to come in and see him. Bodyguards stationed outside his door kept turning them away. They weren’t taking any chances that there’d be any follow-up attacks from Sicklefins who hadn’t been present at the quarry mill. Or someone else with strong anti-human sentiments. They had also informed him that he’d been set all sorts of letters and cards in the mail, but they weren’t ready to let him see any of them yet.

Checking for the Equestrian equivalent of letter bombs or Anthrax, Lero thought to himself, briefly ruminating on what sort of mischief could be committed via post with magic, before promptly discarding the train of thought as too worrying.

At least his doctors and nurses were good company. He especially enjoyed getting to see Dr. Vital Signs, who was the doctor who first examined Lero after his arrival in Equestria, and who he always went to for checkups, and thus, the doctor with the most intimate, in-depth knowledge of the human body in all Equestria, as well as someone he trusted and considered a friend.

The third day in, Lero was finally permitted to see his first batch of guests. Rainbow Dash, Lyra, Rarity, and Applejack came as well, walking in right next to Spike.

“Heya, Lero!” Applejack greeted, stepping in front of the others to set a gift-wrapped present on top of his chest.

“What’s this?” he asked, guessing it was clothes.

“Open and see!”

He unwrapped the present. Clothes were inside. Well, arguably they were clothes.

“It’s a gown,” he said, unfolding the garment.

“A hospital gown,” Applejack told him.

“And you went and made an actual gown out of it,” he said, examining its sleeves. “With a bodice and frills on the collar and it’s floor-length and everything.”

“She, uh, worked hard on it,” said Spike. At this moment, none of the ponies in Lero’s herd seemed to want to look at the gown, or Lero, or Applejack.

“Whaddaya think, Lero?” Applejack sounded so proud of herself. As though expecting him to slip into the bathroom to try it on, right at this moment.

He set Applejack’s gift aside. “For the sake of the doctors, I’ll keep the hospital gown I have on for now, and save this little number for another time.”

The 12th of Never sounded like the perfect date to wear it.

“So, where’s Twilight?” He asked, changing the subject.

“Still being patched up, her horn’s strained very badly.” Spike replied. “We visited her before you. Princess Celestia’s still with her.”

“...Princess Celestia?” he asked, mildly.

“Yeah, said she wanted to talk to Twilight privately.” Spike finished.

He nodded. It was all just as well. He wasn’t sure if he was up to seeing Princess Celestia yet.

“So, how are you holding up?” Dash asked. “I can’t imagine you’re feeling very good after all you went through.”

“All things considered… It could have been a lot worse. It was almost kinda cool, getting rescued by those GALLOP ponies,” Lero admitted, trying to find a bright spot in spite of everything that’d preceded that rescue.

“Just the GALLOP ponies?” Lyra sniffed. “What are we, chopped stinkweed?”

Lero laughed. “You girls are nothing less than a flock of guardian angels,” he told them.

Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Lyra all came forward towards his bed, lips puckered to kiss their stallion, unpleasantly surprised when he held out both his hands out to stop them. “Please, girls, don’t come up to me,” he said. “Don’t kiss me.”

“Are you still feeling weak, Lero?” asked Lyra, sadly.

Lero clutched the objects in his hand a little tighter. “I... please… would someone mind telling me what’s been going on these past few days? They haven’t really told me any news about what’s been happening; Dr. Signs said it ‘might disrupt the healing process.’”

Rarity was the one who spoke. “Lero… everything that happened to us when we were kidnapped… ponies are still talking about it. All over the world. You’ve been front-page headlines these past few days.”

“And, well…” Lyra started to add, only to leave the sentence hanging. “Spike, just show him.”

Spike took a newspaper off the chair, came over, and gave it to Lero.

SHOCKING NEW DETAILS UNVEILED:
ANTI-HUMAN HATE CRIME MASTERMINDS SWAPPED CUTIE MARKS DURING SHOWDOWN!

Ice chilled Lero’s spine. Directly beneath this headline were four photographs. On the left side were two ‘before’ shots. One was of Honeydew walking with her sisters, Honeysuckle and Honeybee; the photo offered a good look at her melon slice cutie mark. Beside it was a picture of Exit Wound entering a nightclub, her bloodstain mark prominent in the shot.

On the right side were the ‘after’ photographs. Another side angle of Honeydew, in a jail cell, wearing the Sicklefin leader’s glasses, and the Bloodstain Mark. And then one of Exit Wound, in a different cell, with her new Melon Mark.

...the photographs shown above have not been doctored in any way…

…speaking on condition of anonymity…

... “The boss called it the ‘Special #23’… she used it once before, in Hoofington, designed it herself. It basically works by ...

...When asked whether it could be reasonably inferred that Twilight Sparkle had to have cast this mark-exchanging spell within a 24-hour timeframe relative to being controlled by the so-called ‘Special #23,’ , Ms. Doublehead answered, ‘Well, yeah. That ought to be very…

...both mares demonstrate severe identity confusion…

...Ms. Sparkle unavailable to comment on her use of…

Lero’s eyes bounced over the paragraphs like a stone being skipped across a lake. He lowered the paper to look at Lyra.

“I would figure...” he said slowly, “that a situation like… Rarity, please, you don’t want to get near me... a situation like this would warrant the Princess putting a gag order on everyone involved.”

“She did order that this information was to be confidential,” Lyra replied. “But the information was leaked, regardless.”

“Who?!” cried Lero. “Why?!”

Lyra shrugged. “We suspect one or more of the GALLOP ponies who were at the scene. Or perhaps one of the Sicklefins managed to escape. As to ‘why’… maybe they were bribed by the press, or sold the information, or perhaps they were caught up in the big media frenzy. Or the why for the later possibility is obvious. We’re still looking into it.”

“Ah’ve never seen anythang like it,” said Applejack, staring intently at his blanket. “But then, when there’s only one human in the whole wide world, and he’s got so many fans, and then some crazy mobster-ponies try and murder him, well, Ah imagine it’d be tricky sweeping it quietly under the rug.” Then she looked at Lero. “Were their cutie marks really swapped?”

“Yeah, they were,” Dash told Applejack. “Saw it happen with my own eyes.”

They know. Lero thought in horror. They all know! Count our blessings that they still don’t yet know that five-sixths of the Element Bearers are Swapped Ponies... but now everyone, everywhere knows what a Swap is, and what Swapped Ponies ARE… goddamn Exit Wound and goddamn Honeydew… oh man, Rarity’s lips feel sweet… Discord should be out modifying memories left and right, what’s he doing? And should I be worried that I’m starting to sound like a George Orwell villain? Mmm, yeah, Rarity, right… no, NO!!!!”

“I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH ME!” Lero exclaimed. Applejack and all of Lero’s family shrank back.

“Lero, what’s the matter?” Lyra asked.

“What have I done wrong?” Rarity cried, with the exact same look she would’ve worn if he’d slapped her across the face.

Opening his hand, Lero showed them all a pair of cyan pegasus feathers, completely munged up with candle wax and all sorts of gross fur. He’d’ve still had them braided into his hair, except he was now too bald for that. Very sadly, Lero held the feathers out towards his girls.

“My rose!” Rarity recognized, looking at the feathers. “And your feather, Rainbow!”

“Rarity, you were there, you saw what happened! Honeydew bit my face; I was bleeding. Then that big Diamond Dog, the one they sent to violate me…”

The word was out of Lero’s mouth before he remembered that little Spike was listening in...

“...He licked my face all over. That horrible tongue of his, all over my bleeding face. All it takes is a simple transfer of fluids with those kind of diseases. It’s in my blood now. Every disgusting illness he had is living within me now. Swimming in my veins.”

He began to cry, remembering the misshapen ugliness of Scrounger The Dog, the difficulty he had walking and breathing, even just the stench coming off him.

“So, girls, I love you with all my heart… but I’m tainted goods. I’m completely doomed. It’ll only be a matter of time before those diseases really take root inside me and start destroying my body. I’m so sorry.”

Lyra walked up to the side of Lero’s bed with tears in her eyes. It was she who had begun crying first, before Rainbow Dash or Rarity. Lero turned his head and saw that she looked like she was ready to start...

*SMACK!*

Lero’s head snapped to the left. The right side of his face was stinging.

“Lyra!” shouted Rarity.

“How dare you, Lero?” hissed Lyra, ignoring the other unicorn. Her hoof was still raised. “Do you think so little of us?”

Lero was stunned. “Lyra, wha…?”

“Where do you get off thinking that something as small as this is going to make us give up on you? Huh?!” Lyra leaned in close to the human, their noses almost touching.

Lero tried to back away on the bed. “Lyra, you can’t come near...”

“You don’t get to make that call!” This time the tears were falling. “You don’t just get to decide that you can push us away. Not after everything… after everything we’ve been through. And if you think that something like this is going make us stop loving you, then, mister, you have another thing coming.”

Lyra surprised everyone by hopping into the bed and latching onto Lero’s torso, burying her head into his chest. Lero had never once seen the collected grandmaster react like this to anything.

“I don’t care if you get ugly and swollen. I don’t care if you end up not being able to leave the house. I don’t care if you have to spend the rest of your life in a bed. I don’t care. We’ll be there for you. To wash your wounds and keep you safe. Even if this does mean the end for you, you sure as Tartarus aren’t going to meet it alone.”

Lyra gazed up at him with teary, red-stained eyes. Lero felt that golden warmth fill him from within. Despite the crying, Lyra held onto her trademark smile.“We’re a family, Fingers. We stay together, no matter what happens.”

* * *

Twilight fidgeted in her bed, resisting the urge to touch her bandaged horn. While the sprain bothered her, it wasn’t what was making her uncomfortable. Princes Celestia had asked to have a word with her in private, but after everyone left, she had yet to say a word. She’d simply been staring at the ground, with a distant look in her eyes, as if she was miles away.

As the awkward silence extended uncomfortably long, Twilight’s nervousness and uncertainty began to fade… replaced with something else: anger. How could Celestia put her through all this? Drop this awful spell upon her back without a word of warning, and now stand there, in silent judgement of her? It was beyond the pale! How stupid she’d been to stand up for the princess whenever her stallion had grumbled about her: Lero had been completely right about Celestia all along! Twilight gathered her courage -- surprisingly easy with the resentment building behind it -- and spoke.

“Princess, you and I need to have words.” She was startled by the edge in her voice. But before she continued, that seemed to snap the Princess out of her reverie.

“...I’m sorry,” whispered the alicron. “I’m so, so sorry.” Her voice was quiet but thick and heavy with emotion, which brought up Twilight’s building anger short.

“What?” she asked, confused, before managing to articulate, “What are you sorry about?”

“Everything,” Celestia said, huskiness still audible in her voice. “For putting so much pressure on you. For putting the fate of the world on your shoulders, again and again. For withholding help when you needed it. For not considering how my test might impact your family.”

Celestia looked up at Twilight, who let out a brief gasp upon seeing the tears drip out of the corners of her eyes. The Princess gave her a wry smile. “Honestly, I never expected it to become an issue. You passed all my tests before, always surpassing my expectations, indeed, my wildest hopes… I almost expected you to have wrapped the spell up in twenty minutes.”

“Then… If you’re so sorry, why did you do it? Any of it?” Twilight persisted. She didn’t want to lose all of her steam all at once, not when it had taken this long to build it up.

There was a long pause; Celestia seemed to be contemplating how far back she should go. “Twilight... if I could have cured my sister myself, do you think I would have put the task to my untested apprentice, however talented and promising she was?”

Twilight blinked. “I… I never thought about it.”

Celestia gave Twilight a genuine smile. “Of course not. You hold me in… such esteem. How would it occur to you that you exceed me in so many ways?”

“...E-exceed you? Princess, I’m just your student-”

“Stop.” Celestia held up a hoof. “You’re not ‘just’ anything. I, of all ponies, understand. The idea of being a hero, a public figure, something larger than life. Someone expected to always save the day.” She paused, looking down again. “It took more than a thousand years for me to get used to it.”

“Princess… Celestia… What are you saying? Surely, you could have handled any of those larger problems you chose to delegate to me and my friends.”

“Handled?” Celestia levitated the crown off her head and held it at eye level, regarding it broodingly. “Yes. I could have beaten Nightmare Moon in battle… I had a thousand years of experience on her. But to purify her and bring back my sister? That is now beyond me. I could easily drive off a dragon, but make him agree to leave in peace? Not so much.”

Twilight had never seen her teacher like this, ever.

“...Luna and I might have been able to devise some means to defeat Discord; but most likely at a far greater cost. Probably a huge war. And… there is no question you are better at uncovering changeling infiltrators than I am.” Celestia finished, replacing her crown.

Twilight wasn’t quite sure how this was happening. She’d been ready to unleash a great verbal barrage on Celestia, but the alicorn had turned it around, and now Twilight was starting to feel bad for her teacher once more. “Princess…”

“I could certainly have banished Sombra again, but to break his curse completely and restore the Crystal Empire? That was you, Twilight. And Spike.” She smiled proudly at the last bit. “I could have also subdued a certain out-of-control showmare who’d taken Ponyville hostage. But you, Twilight, figured out how to get her to willingly remove the magic item corrupting her… without having to end her life.”

Twilight’s voice caught in her throat at that last implication. “Would you have…?”

Celestia let out a long, shuddering sigh. “My little ponies need to be protected. And when they can’t protect themselves, their Princess must do what she must.” She let out a bitter laugh. “Not my first choice…”

“But… Princess, we’ve had a thousand years of peace under your reign!”

Celestia nodded, her face dropping again. “Yes. A thousand years of maintaining a status quo. A happy one, yes, but one that I had to struggle hard with, just to maintain. Negotiation, subterfuge, shows of force… whatever it took to keep my little ponies safe. A thousand years alone at the top, more or less. Knowing that at any moment, one of the ancient horrors Luna and I locked away might escape, and I would be without her… or the Elements to fight them.”

She then looked up at Twilight, giving her a genuine, warm, smile.

“Then this wonderful, unbelievable filly comes into my life, after a thousand years seeking and training exceptional unicorns… She’s smart, she thinks on her hooves, she’s a natural leader… and when encouraged, a wonderful friend. She returns my sister to me, and defends my little ponies, even when my own resolve fails. She makes things better, after a thousand years of treading water.

“And then I push her too hard. Saddle her with a challenge which is finally too difficult and overwhelming… a challenge I haven’t even properly prepared her for, ahead-of-time. And I hurt her, and the ones she loves… when that’s the last thing I ever wanted.”

After the longest silence yet, Twilight cleared her throat. “Princess… I’m s-”

“No.” Celestia interrupted, putting the crown back on her head. “I am the one in the wrong here, I am the one who is sorry… Though I appreciate the sympathy.”

“Then… what now? Can you… undo all this?” Twilight asked, with desperate hope.

Celestia’s smile could not be sadder. “As you know, no counterspell or cure has ever been discovered yet. I genuinely thought you could solve this with little effort. I can offer one possible suggestion, though.”

“What?” Twilight asked, furrowing her brow.

“The Soul Synthesis spell.”

That was it. A way out. End the swap by making it permanent. And now her teacher was offering it, so she no longer had to worry about upsetting her, or failing the test. It would mean no threat of insanity. Rainbow and Rarity, as they were now, part of her herd. No more worries. The easy way out. The offer, alone, meant a lot; Celestia was putting her happiness above her plans. But even still...

“May I… Take some time to think about that, Celestia?”

“Of course, Twilight. Take all the time you need.”

A knock came on the doorframe, and they heard Lyra’s voice. “Hey, Twi, we just wanted to say goodbye, since we’re heading out.”

“I’ll let you two alone.” Celestia said, stepping out past Lyra, who bowed low as the princess past her.

“Thanks, Lyra. Where’s Rainbow and Rarity?” Twilight asked, frowning at their absence.

Lyra sighs. “They’re… consoling each other. Things got a bit emotional with Lero.”

“What? Why?” Twilight’s concerned deepened.

“He… thinks he’s going to get horrifically sick due to Scrounger licking his wounds.”

“HE THINKS WHAT!?” Twilight’s cry practically echoed through the hospital. She suddenly attempted to lurch out of bed. “Let me get to the library, I-”

“WHOA.” She finds herself being held down by Lyra. “Steady there, Twilight... you’re not going anywhere until the doctors clear it. The last thing we need is your horn to be permanently injured.”

Twilight struggled a brief moment before sighing. “Yeah, you’re right. I don’t want to permanently compromise my magical ability. But as soon as I get better, I’m going to be teaching our stallion a lesson on biology, and you’re helping.”

“...Alright?” Was Lyra’s confused response.

* * *

Around nine o’clock, the next day, Pinkie Pie stepped into Lero’s hospital room alongside her brother and Fluttershy, who had joined them on the way there. They found Spike sitting next to Lero’s bed, talking excitedly.

“...And so the next game the camp counselors showed us was even MORE fun!” the little dragon was saying. “It’s called Air Raid Race, and here’s how it works: first, there’s a starting line and a finish line, and all the unicorn and earth pony foals have to race from start to finish.”

“What about the pegasus foals?” asked Lero.

“That’s where the Air Raid part comes in! They’re all up in the sky, pelting us with water balloons! And the counselors give out cool prizes not just for which ground-bound pony comes in first, but which one is the dryest, plus a prize for whichever pegasus is able to score the most hits with their water balloons!”

“How’d you make out?” asked Lero; Pinkie saw him spot herself, Big Mac, and Fluttershy out of the corner of his eye.

“Turns out I’m REALLY good at dodging! All the times Twilight grabbed a book with her telekinesis without checking if I’m in the way made for good training, I guess.”

“THINK FAST!” screamed Fluttershy, throwing some kind of object at Spike’s head. The little dragon bent to the side as a chocolate chip cookie flew past him and broke into crumbs against the wall.

“Fluttershy?! What…?”

“Oooh, you weren’t kidding; you really ARE good at dodging, Spike!” said Fluttershy. Before Pinkie or anyone else here could think to say anything to that, the yellow pegasus pulled decorations from her saddlebags and rapidly began filling up the ceiling with balloons.

GET WELL VERY SOON, SO WE CAN STUDY COMEDY AGAIN! read both the cake Fluttershy dropped on Lero’s lap and the banner she ran along his wall.

“Would you like me to sing you a get-better song?” Fluttershy offered.

“I appreciate the thought, but I’m not in a musical mood,” said Lero, smiling at all three of them as a group. He looked almost like a completely different person with his head bald like that. “Pinkie, Mac, Fluttershy, it’s really great to see you all.”

“Aw, shucks, Leery, it’s us that’re glad ta see yew!”

“Eeeyup!” her brother agreed.

“Granny and Apple Bloom wanted to be here too, but it’s a long walk fer Granny, and Bloomy’s having school. Although… Bloomy might still try and stop on by here with her crusader friends at some point. Not sure jest what they’re planning, but Ah think Ah heard Bloomy say, ‘holistic healing,’ at some point.”

“I’ll keep my eyes peeled. And my guard up,” Lero promised with a faint smile that hurt Pinkie’s heart to look upon.

“Though this is from all of us in the Apple Family.” Pinkie pulled out a greeting card Macky had bought yesterday. Everyone in the family had written their well-wishes inside it. She watched Lero tear open the letter, hoping that their words for him might bring him cheer.

“I brought you something to read too!”

Pinkie was starting to regret bringing the party pony along. The book Fluttershy lay upon Lero’s bed was titled Advanced Lessons in Funniness.

“Have you, um, been reading this?” Lero asked Fluttershy, who was ignoring the troubled looks Big Macintosh and Spike were giving her, as well as Pinkie’s own glower.

“Barely anything at all,” Fluttershy told him, nudging the book even closer towards the human with a hoof. “I’ve come to learn that I’m not real good at being my own teacher. I need someone else. And you’re the best I’ve got, Lero.”

Poor Lero seemed rather shaken to hear that. Everyone in the room could see it but Fluttershy, who almost seemed to expect the human to crack open the book, and school her in comedy, right then and there.

“Fluttershy,” Spike said slowly, “You realize that Lero’s in recovery, right? It’ll take time for him to be ready.”

“Well, how much longer could he possibly need?!” asked Fluttershy, with a peevish frown. “I mean, first, ever since he and Rainbow Dash started really getting serious, he’s put my comedy lessons on the back burner! I didn’t like that, but at least we were still having the lessons.”

“Fluttershy, uh…”

“Then the heat came... and I suppose that wasn’t Lero’s fault, nothing anypony could have done about that… but that was still a week without being able to study comedy properly! “And then Lero and his herd needed time to attach Rainbow’s house to theirs, and then comes this malarkey about him getting kidnapped, and NOW he’s recovering for some really long period of time?!” The part of Fluttershy’s flank, right along by where her cutie mark sat, was twitching in a weird way that just made Pinkie’s skin crawl.

“Are you EVER going to help me properly like you said you would, Lero, or are you just going to delay, delay, delay forever?”

Lero began shivering where he sat in his bed.

“I mean, even when Pinkie and I were in the middle of our heat together, there was this moment where we’d just finishing going Appaloosian-style on each other...”

To her right, Pinkie Pie heard Big Macintosh make a high, dry choked noise, while little Spike turned bright red to almost match her brother’s coat. There had to have been a time where she’d felt more embarrassed than this, but right now, Pinkie couldn’t remember.

“...and I started telling Pinkie the one about the Appaloosian farmer who couldn’t stop burping, and Pinkie…”

Fluttershy’s voice died away as she caught sight of Pinkie. “Are yew on drugs, today, Shy? Or are ya OFF yer meds?”

“N-no,” Fluttershy said, “I’ve never done any kind of drugs, ever, nothing bigger than an aspirin, unless it was prescribed by my doctor! Drugs are Bad with a capital B…”

“Well then, Ah’d say it’s high time ya finally got yer screwy lil’ head checked,” Pinkie told her coldly, pointing back at Lero. “Ah think Twilight’s wrote yew about what happened to Leery. Ah know she wrote ta me and Applejack. Somethin’ involving a Diamond Dog; that ringing any bells?”

“Y-yes,” said Fluttershy, stepping back behind a chair, expressions fighting back and forth on her face. Lero had an impression she realized that what she was doing wasn’t quite right, but couldn’t help herself, and was attempting to rationalize it to herself. “And I really feel bad about what happened to him; that’s why I baked him a cake! I just wanted to know when he was planning on teaching me more comedy.”

“Maybe never!” shouted Pinke, “Maybe Lero’s funny bone done shattered into dust fer good! Bad things can do that to a pony, and Lero’s been through a very, very bad experience! Whatever he did for yew, he did out of the goodness of his heart. But guess what, Shy? He’s got his own life! Yet yew have the nerve ta waltz in here and demand that he jump right back into comedy school with yew like yer some kinda hall monitor catching a colt playin’ hooky?”

She took in a breath.

“Grow up, ya silly party maniac. Please jest do all ponykind the biggest favor ever, and jest finally, finally grow up.”

“Hey,” Lero said from his bed, “come on, Pinkie. Fluttershy’s a good girl, she didn’t mean it like that…”

“No,” whimpered Fluttershy, beginning to weep. “Pinkie’s right. I did mean it like that. Lero, I’m so sorry, I don’t…”

Watching Fluttershy run out into the hallway while crying produced mixed feelings in Pinkie: guilt alongside a stony satisfaction that the silly-headed filly had been made to realize what a selfish thing she’d just done.

“Fluttershy! Fluttershy!” Spike hurried out the door; they saw him standing in the middle of the hall.

“Big Mac! Help me! We need to find her!” Spike called to her brother. The urgency in the little dragon’s voice suggested he was worried what Fluttershy might do if someone didn’t talk to her.

“Eeyup,” said Macky, letting Spike climb on his back, and then he hustled down in search of their yellow pegasus friend.

Pinkie Pie looked back at Lero. Before her outburst, the human had at least been been wearing a ghost of a smile, just for the sake of enjoying their company. Now, as his hands clutched at the blanket covering him, his unhappiness was plain to see.

“Sorry ‘bout that, Leery,” said Pinkie softly. “Really, Ah am.”

Lero mumbled something Pinkie didn’t quite hear. She back towards the door.

“Maybe Ah oughta go try help ‘em find Shy and apologize ta her…”

“Please don’t go,” Lero asked in a clear voice, looking straight at her. “I’m glad you came, Pinkie.” Pinkie watched the human lick his lips. “You’re the Element of Honesty, right?”

“Yeah. Well, Ah’m Honesty’s Bearer, Ah ain’t the jewel.”

“Good,” said Lero. “Do me a favor, please, and lock the door.”

“Huh?”

“It’ll only be for a little while. I promise,” Lero said.

What was going on? Though she felt a touch of unease, Pinkie turned and locked the door for Lero, whose sad look had given way to a gravely serious one.

“I need to know something, Pinkie,” the human said. “And I need you to set aside your bias and answer me honestly, answer me as the Element of Honesty: if I had never come to Equestria in the first place… would everyone have been better off?”

Even though she was standing perfectly still, Pinkie felt completely thrown off-balance. By the question, and by his dejection.

“Lero, why would ya even say such a thing? Yer one of the nicest fellas Ah know!”

“Pinkie… I know I’m nice. I know I’m friendly. This isn’t about that. This is… this is about… this is about the Swap.”

“The Swap?” she repeated. Why had Lero seemed so reluctant to say that word? And why did he flinch when she said it?

‘What happened to Honeydew and that gangster boss she was with… their cutie marks were swapped. Have you heard about it?”

“Ah don’t thank there’s a pony alive who hasn’t,” said Pinkie, remembering the newspaper showing the two mares with each others’ cutie marks, and all the curious gossip in the marketplace.

“...Yes. It’s… it’s been weighing very heavily on my mind.” His mouth shut suddenly, as if afraid of that something awful might spill out. “God, Pinkie, you have no idea how hard it is for me to find words to express myself in a way you can understand…”

“Jest speak yer mind, sugar,” she said, settling herself into a chair.

Lero’s hand shook when he drank some water from a nearby cup. “Let me try starting from the very beginning. Because I came to Equestria, everypony became fascinated with me, and Ra… Rarity fell in love with me. Because Rarity fell in love with me, Twilight and Lyra eventually did too. But I also caused the Honey sisters to hate and fear me. Because the Honey sisters hated and feared me, we became enemies.”

“Ah remember yew saved Honeybee’s life, though. Yew jumped into that lake or whatever ta save her from drowning.”

But Lero did not smile. “Honeybee would never have been in danger of drowning in the FIRST place, if not for me.”

“What d’ya mean?”

Lero closed his eyes in remembrance. “On that day, Honeybee had been flying over my head... I don’t know whether she intended to do something to me or to… to Rarity, but Rarity ended up striking Honeybee’s wingtip in a glancing blow. That ended up sending Bee careening into that lake. That would never have happened to begin with, there would have never been a feud, if I hadn’t been in the picture.”

“But yew dove in and pulled Honeybee out of that lake!” Pinkie said again, now starting to really worry. “And she and her sister Honeysuckle both stopped hatin’ yew after that.”

“Well, they at least learned I wasn’t out to hurt them, and that pursuing their vendetta was pointless and self-destructive. But Honeydew DIDN’T,” Lero said, his self-disgust unmistakable. “Because I saved Honeybee’s life, Honeydew grew estranged from her sisters because they refused to continue persecuting me, and that drove her even further bonkers, because I had ‘gotten’ to them. Her obsessive hatred of me just built and built and built… to the point where she resorted to an insane, desperate scheme to destroy me. Now her cutie mark’s swapped… and I have all sorts of horrible diseases germinating inside my body, thanks to that Diamond Dog. It’ll only be a matter of time before I start showing symptoms. My four wonderful mares have all vowed to stay by my side, no matter how sick I get. I wouldn’t have wished such a thing on any of them.”

Sick… There had been many open doors Pinkie had passed on her way over to here. Many patients lying in bed with conditions so hideous, part of her wanted to cry, while another part of her wanted to flee the hospital like a haunted house and scrub herself down. Was that was her human friend was going to look like? Would anypony in Ponyville even want to be around him after this?

“I feel… I feel sorriest for Rainbow Dash,” Lero went on. “She’s only just recently fallen in love with me, and now she’s committed herself to play nursemaid for me as I just get sicker and sicker. It probably would’ve been better if we’d never crossed paths in the first place.”

“Lero… if not fer yew, Rainbow Dash prolly woulda gotten eaten alive by her crazy critters. And if not for yew, Ah’d’ve still been farming all wrong!” she exclaimed. At this rate, Pinkie was worried she would have to tell Twilight to hide all the sharp objects and make sure her stallion didn’t go anyplace high, just in case he got the urge to jump...

The smile Lero gave Pinkie was downright condescending. “Oh, you give me WAY too much credit! It wasn’t me who finally got those critters tame again; Dash did that all on her own! And as for you, Pinkie, yeah, I dragged you to a hospital, and made a few observations and suggestions… but after that, your family did far more to help you than I ever did! And that spell Honeydew was hit with, that spell that Swapped her… that was something Twilight’s been working on. A prototype to fix an old unfinished spell Celestia assigned her.”

Pinkie didn’t understand why Lero’s voice dropped to a near-whisper, what about this unfinished spell intimidated the human even more than the diseases or the mobsters who’d threatened his life.

“She’d’ve been much farther along on it by now but... there have been some family dramas at home, and that’s gotten Twilight’s emotions in a tizzy for the longest time. If I had never come to Equestria, if we’d never formed a herd… I think she’d have much more clear-headed, she’d’ve found the answer she’s been looking for WAY earlier.”

“Ya can’t know that!” Pinkie snapped. “And so what if this spell… whatever it is… takes a short time or a long time ta fix? No dusty, old, broken spell’s more important than someone else existing! Spell’s lucky it’s GOT a girl like Twilight working on it; let her patch it up in her own time!”

But Lero shook his head, pushing his fingers into his forehead. “I try and I try, and keep bending over backwards, but in the end, I’m not the solution to anything. All I do is complicate things needlessly. Like Honeydew.”

“Yew ain’t NOTHING like that horrible mare!” snapped Pinkie, suddenly outraged with Lero for playing straight into that wretched mare’s hooves.

“Am I?” Lero contended. “Psychotic as she was, Honeydew was also convinced that what she was doing was only best for everyone.”

For a moment, Pinkie has the impression that Lero was eyeballing her cutie mark for some reason, before he looked back at her face.

“So I’ll ask you again, Pinkie, and I want you to be as honest as possible: would everypony have been better off if I’d never come to Equestria in the first place?”

Silence hung in the air. Then Pinkie sighed and an old and very tired smile came to her face. Lero had seen that smile before, on the face of the Apple matriarch. On several occasions in the past, Lero had come out to Sweet Apple Acres to perform a variety of jobs; fence work, plumbing, even helping raise the barn more than once. And on several of those occasions, Lero had overheard the matriarch give the youngest member of the Apple clan a lecture. Always with that same tired, but wise smile.

"Seems to me," began Pinkie, "that y'all are worrying about something that can't be changed. Granny's told us plenty o' tales 'bout folks who worry 'bout 'what if?'. 'What if Ah took a left 'stead of a right?' 'What if I stayed the night with 'im?' 'What if Ah didn' yell at 'im that night?'

“Well, Mr. Handy, let me tell you right now, asking 'What if?' don't do you a lick o' good." The earth pony mare took on a solemn look. "After... after Ma 'n Pa passed, Ah nearly tore myself apart asking that same question. 'What if Ah did things different? They might still be alive.' Ah blamed myself fer the longest time. And I always wondered, 'What if?'"

Lero didn't say anything; he was never really close with Applejack, their relationship more professional than friendship. He had long suspected that the farm mare had never really approved of his relationship with Rainbow or any of the mares in his herd. But now that he was hearing such intimate details from Pinkie the Farmer, he had to wonder. Could these really have been AJ's thoughts?

"But the past is the past, Lero. Ain't nothing we can do ta change it. Now you've done right by me 'n my kin, so I'm gonna give you the honest truth: y'all one o' the best things that happened to this town."

“What in particular makes you say that?” asked Lero, more curious than disbelieving.

Pinkie rubbed her chin with a hoof. “Let me put it to ya this way. When ya get right down to brass tacks; Ah have one main objective in mah life: ta keep Sweet Apple Acres thrivin’ ‘til the day Ah die. An’ see it passed on to Apple Bloom, or some other deservin’ Apple when Ah get too doddery. Maybe even to some daughter of mah own…”

“That’d be good.”

“Huh? What would?”

“You having a daughter. Any child of yours is gonna be the pride and joy of the whole Apple family.”

Pinkie flashed a happy smile at Lero before continuing on.

“Anywho, one fine day, along comes Miz Twilight Sparkle into mah life, and BOY HOWDY, did she ever complicate thangs! Suddenly, Ah’m an Element Bearer! Suddenly, Ah’m being sent on all sorts of weird missions, savin’ the world and all that. Now, yew know mah story, Lero, and yew could certainly make the case that Ah earned mah Element by volunteerin’ ta help Twilight stop Nightmare Moon, way back when she first moved in. Wasn’t exactly drafted inta the service against mah will.”

Lero nodded slowly, wondering where she was going with this...

“Ah, but supposin’ Princess Celestia had chosen ta hold that fateful Summer Sun Celebration in Hoofington instead of Ponyville, and it was a bunch of Hoofington gals that got ta be Bearers instead. Why, then it would’ve stayed a simple ‘n’ straight-shot farmer’s life fer me, just like it still is fer Big Macintosh! But now here’s the big question, Leery; do Ah resent Twilight Sparkle?”

“I’m guessing you’re going to say ‘no,’” said Lero.

“Darn tootin!” With a start, Pinkie realized she’d been cutting into the cake Fluttershy had brought, and had served herself a slice without even thinking about it. But Lero didn’t seem to mind at all. Despite that, she started serving him up a slice as well, after relocating it to his beside table.

“Scary as it was facing Nightmare Moon, Ah’m glad to’ve helped bring back Princess Luna. Twilight can be annoying, sometimes, but she’s taught me a lot about accepting help from others, and that yew can’t run away from your problems and hide when yew don’t do as well as yew hoped, and that prissy fashionista who runs the Carousel Boutique can actually be a purdy good friend when she ain't too wrapped up in herself. Ah’d never have learned any of that without her. And Ah also jest like her company, and Ah’m proud to’ve helped get her ta understand the value of friendship.”

Pinkie paused, in surprise at herself. Had she always been able to speak so fast? But Lero seemed to be keeping up with everything she was saying just fine.

“So now we come ta yew, Mr. Human. Yeah, yer a bit of an ‘acquired taste.’ Takes some getting used ta a fella like yew; the sight of yew, yer weird habits. No denying yew HAVE complicated thangs. But lemme ask my next question: why’ve yer mares stuck by yew as much as they have?”

“Because I… try to be loving to them?”

She giggled. “Yeah. You’re very loving. I mean, jest look at Rainbow Dash. Ya think she fell for ya because she’s into aliens?”

Lero smile was faint, yet there was a spark of humor.

“Because yew were there for her, ya won her heart. Simple as that. Yew taught her what true love means; something that might never’ve happened on her own.”

‘‘Better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all,’ right?”

He said it like the doctors had given him one month to life.

“It’s more than even that: Rainbow Dash is stronger and more confident about herself since yew became a big part of her life. But it ain’t jest Dashie, either, yew have that effect on LOTS of ponies. Strengthen their spirits. Ah should know.”

To think that an honest-to-Celestia alien planet had produced someone like Lero gave Pinkie hope for the universe as a whole.

“So yeah… things would’ve been simpler for us ponies if yew’d never popped into Equestria. But Ah don’t care what all the Honeydews say: Ah’m glad to share mah world with ya. Ah could hardly be prouder of ya if yew were mah own brother.” There was a long pause. Pinkie chewed her lip, suddenly feeling like a nervous filly. “Can Ah hug yew?”

The human opened his arms up.

“You don’t ever need to ask me permission for that, you sweet, sweet girl. Every hug from you is a gift, and I’m glad of each one you give me.”

It was the nicest thing anyone had told Pinkie in a while, so the hug she gave him was extra-exuberant.

* * *

A little later along, Big Mac and Spike brought Fluttershy back to Lero. It took over a dozen times for Lero to tell the yellow pegasus she was forgiven before she actually heard him through all her dismayed apologizing. Then they all had slices of the cake she had brought, and drank soda pop from disposable cups, and then about an hour after that, the two Swapped mares and Big Mac all bade him goodbye and headed out.

“Well, Lero, ol’ buddy,” said Spike, hopping out of his chair, and stretching himself. “If you don’t mind, I think I might as well be moseying on outta here too. I’ll stop by tomorrow!”

“Spike.”

The young dragon stopped. “Yeah, Lero?”

“Tell me a joke.”

“Uh… okay. What kind of joke?”

“A funny one,” said Lero, staring the little guy down with painfully flat seriousness.

Spike looked to the ceiling for inspiration. “Hmm, lemme see… have you heard the one about the broken pencil? I’d tell it to you, but it’d be pointless.”

“I said funny, Spike,” said Lero, with a harder edge to his voice.

“Okay, okay, uh… wanna know why I renamed my dog ‘Ten Miles?’ It’s so I can brag to everyone how I walk Ten Miles every day!”

“Goddammit, Spike!” Lero snapped, “Fluttershy tells better jokes than that nowadays!”

“Hey! That was a pretty good one!” After a cold silence from Lero, Spike’s grin faded away. “Look, buddy, you’ve been through a lot, you’re just not in a laughy ha-ha mood, it’s okay…”

Lero broke eye contact with Spike. He didn’t mean to be harsh with the little guy… but this was important.

“I need to get over this, Spike,” he told him. “Three down, two to go, but I’ve been focused on myself -- on my love life -- for far too long lately. It’s time to finish what I’ve started. I swear, I’m going to help those other two ponies find their equilibrium if it’s the last thing I ever do in my life… and all things considered, it just might be. I’ll do it before all these diseases really take root inside me! But there’s no way I’m ever going to be able to help Fluttershy become a proper joke-teller if I’m stuck as this unsmiling, traumatized ball of misery, so come on! Break me out of this funk! Hit me with your best shot!”

Twice, the dragon looked backward at the door, as though thinking of trotting out some excuse and leaving him here. Instead he turned to face him.

“I was saving this one for a rainy day…”

“It’s a downpour, Spike. Please.”

“So there’s this teacher in the middle of teaching class, and she asks little Green Horn; ‘Suppose you walk in your house and find three rats scurrying around your floor and you shoot one dead with your horn, how many rats are left?’ ‘None,’ says Green Horn. ‘The shot scared the other rats off.’ Teacher says, ‘That’s wrong, two rats are left, but I like how you’re thinking.’ So then Green Horn turns around and asks, ‘Suppose you walk into an ice cream store and spot three beautiful unicorn babes sitting around a table, enjoying their ice cream cones. One’s licking her ice cream, one’s sucking her ice cream, one’s biting her ice cream. One of these three are married; which is it?’ Teacher says, ‘The one sucking her ice cream.’ ‘No,’ says Green Horn, ‘It’s the one wearing the wedding ring on her horn… but I like how you’re thinking!’”

The laughter exploded out of Lero and kept on until he was wheezing like an asthmatic.

* * *

===
From the Office of Dr. Disjunctive Syllogism
Interview Transcripts:
Subject: Honeydew
Earth Pony
Female
Age: 36

DS: Good morning, Ms. Dew. My name is Dr. Syllogism. Are you comfortable right now?

H: ~~Cozy as Oi’m~~ Cosy as I’m ever gonna going to f[expletive] get, I suppose. Least the hind leg restraints ain’t too tight.

DS: They’re there for your protection. You were very agitated when you came to us earlier this week. I don’t know if you knew this, but you struck one of the nurses before you had to be put under.

H: Of course ~~Oi~~ I was aware! What, did you think I had some kind of f[expletive] blackout or something? Some alter ego took over?

*Honeydew laughs, then briefly adopts a mocking, higher-pitched voice.

H: No, ~~et~~ it weren’t me that did all them killings, ~~voiolence~~ violence gives me tummyaches! It’s Mrs. Stabbity’s fault, she keeps taking the reins, and I’m always waking up in broom cupboards, all clueless and coated in fresh blood.’

*Here, Honeydew taps the side of her head with a forehoof.

H: Seriously, though, doc; it’s all a one-mare show up in this gorgeous head of ~~moine!~~ mine! I broke that bloated orange nursey’s face ~~cuz~~ because she said I ‘weren’t nobody special.’ Woulda SHOT her, if I coulda. That ~~Twoiloight~~ Twilight Sparkle better PRAY ~~me~~ my magic comes back…

DS: That’s a very unique accent you have there. Would you mind telling me where you’re from?

H: Didn’t you read my dossier? It would’ve told you that already: I was born in Dunlin, on the Emerald ~~Oisles.~~ Isles.

DS: Our files have you listed as coming from… Ponyville?

H: Ponyville? Nah, me being in Ponyville’s a recent thing, a temporary thing… or at least, that was the original intent. Get your facts right, you stupid f[expletive] shrink: I’m from the f[expletive] Isles. Everypony knows me there.

DS: Did one of your parents immigrate from the Emerald Isles?

H: Immigrate? Both my parents are still IN the Emerald Isles, and neither of them has ever left, except on business and a few vacations. In Mum’s case, she’s staying there permanently. She’s dead as yesterday’s dogsh[expletive], you see.

DS: Yes, a guard report mentions an airship accident. You would have still been a teenager. It must have been very difficult for you and your sisters.

H: (faintly) Airship?

*Here, Honeydew inexplicably enters a fugue state: silent, unblinking.

DS: Ms. Dew? Are you alright?

*Estimated 10 seconds pass; Honeydew emerges from her fugue.

H: You really need to ~~foire~~ fire whoever did your research for you, toots. It weren’t no f[expletive] airship. Someone put a hit on Mum, a punk from the Hammerhead Gang did her in, back when there WAS a Hammerhead Gang. I ain’t telling you a single f[expletive] thing that’s ain’t been in the newspapers; not that making the front page headlines is anything new to me!

DS: I’m afraid we don’t get newspapers from the Emerald Isles here, Ms. Dew. You should know that.

H: F[expletive] backwater donkeys. And by the way, what’s this ‘Ms. Dew’ nonsense? You giving me a twee little nickname, are you?

DS: Huh? No, I mean, isn’t that your name?

H: My name’s ‘Honeydew,’ all one word, ~~loike~~ like the fruit, not Honey Dew with a break in between! If it were f[expletive] Celestia here instead of me, would you call her ‘Ms. Lestia?’

DS: I’m sorry, Ms. Honeydew, it was a mistake on my part.

H: Nah, we’re cool. Ponies get my name wrong like that all the f[expletive] time. I ain’t even mad about it. Got a cig I could bum off you? My lungs feel wrong, like I never lit me a coffin nail in my life.

DS: I don’t smoke. But perhaps after we finish here, I’m sure something could be arranged.

H: That’d be smart of you. Believe me, you WANT me as your friend.

DS: A friend? While I do seek to foster a healthy relationship with my patients, tell me why would I want to be your friend?

H: Because being an enemy of mine could be extremely unlucky. Not good for whatever future prospects you have ~~fer~~ for yourself. Friendship, though, friendship pays big, when it’s me who’s your friend.

DS: This is an interesting insight into how you see other ponies, Ms. Honeydew.

H: I’m a big mare, and everypony wants to be chums with me; but there’s only two ways you get there: fork over the cash, or work for me. That’s how it goes when you’re in charge of an operation like the Sicklefin Gang.

DS: Alright, why don’t you tell me about this ‘gang’ you run. The Sicklefins?

H: You wouldn’t even NEED to be asking me such a stupid, ignorant question if this were happening back in the Isles. I suppose it’s no secret what we’ve done… well, what we TRIED to do to the human. That should give you a pretty good idea what we’re all about. We also dabble in smuggling, drug running, numbers, a few other gigs, but it’s the assassination jobs that’ve always been my favorite.

DS: And you’re the leader?

H: Aunt Entrance is leader of the Sicklefins. Seriously, I’m a very important pony; did you even give any of my files so much as a passing glance?

DS: I’ll get them to update the files. Tell me about your Aunt.

H: Ever hear the term ‘stone-cold killer?’ That’s my aunt, Entrance Wound, through and through. I’ll give her this: she IS a clever leader, and deadly as anything you could ask for in a gang boss. But Aunt Entrance ain’t just stone-cold when she’s killing, she’s stone-cold in casual chitchat, stone-cold when she’s eating food, stone-cold when somepony’s paying her millions in cash. I don’t think of her as a mare so much as a f[expletive] robot who happens to have been built of blood and bone, instead of metal.

DS: I take it there’s some bad blood between you and your Aunt?

H: Well, we’ve had our share of clashes, but I don’t think she hates me. That would require emotion. And she aggravates me plenty, but I pity the old nag way more than I hate her. Because at least I can emote.

DS: Tell me about the human. Why target him, specifically?

H: Cause he’s one-of-a-kind. There are KINGS and QUEENS who’re less famous than that two-legged superstar. You know, the ones who rule over countries no one can remember the names of. Nopony’ll ever forget the human, and nopony’ll ever forget the mare who killed him. Or TRIED to kill him, at any rate.

DS: So you wanted to be remembered. Is that something important to you?

H: If you ain’t remembered, you weren’t no one to begin with.

DS: And what do you think ponies will say about you now, in the aftermath of this failed murder?

*Honeydew’s answer is to glare as coldly as possible.

DS: That cutie mark of yours… how long have you had it for?

H: Since I was eleven. Seriously, so many ponies have been asking me about that...

*A photograph is brought out, showing the faces of the three Honey sisters: Honeydew, Honeybee, and Honeysuckle. It is shown to Honeydew.

DS: Can you tell me who the mare is in the center of the picture is?

H:: Sure. That’s Exit Wound.

DS: Exit Wound?

H:: The horn on her head’s kind of a giveaway.

*A second photograph is brought out. This one is also of Honeydew with her sisters, but taken from further back so that the sisters’ cutie marks are all visible. It is shown to Honeydew.

DS: And how about this picture?

H: Exit Wound, again, and I’m going to guess those two are those sisters of hers she’s always griping about. Not much in the way of family resemblance, is there?

*A third photograph is brought out. This one shows Honeydew with the members of her herd: Widescreen, Ivory Keys, and their two foals.

DS: And this one?

H: Ha ha ha! What an ugly stallion! The foals ain’t nothing to write home about, neither.

DS: Do you know their names?

H: Let’s see… there’s Exit Wound, the stallion’s called Clown Mane, the mare’s named Prissy Hooves, the filly’s called Squinky and the colt’s name is Kidney Stone the Fourth.

DS: That’s what you believe their names are?

H: Huh? You actually f[expletive] thought...?

*Honeydew laughs.

H: Hey, doc! Word has it there’s been this groundbreaking new discovery called ‘sarcasm.’ Ever hear of it?

DS: I think I just did.

H: Ooh, I'd better be careful! That almost sounded like humor!

*Honeydew points at the photograph.

H: But, seriously, Exit Wound’s the only face here I recognize. Exit never discussed her home life much, and I wouldn’t have been interested. Family’s nothing but a crock, anyways.

*At this moment, Honeydew leans forward too much and the eyeglasses she wears falls off her face.

H: [Expletive!] [Expletive,] if my magic were working right, I could’ve levitated them right back on.

DS: Ms. Honeydew? I want you to close your eyes. Now run your hoof along your brow. Tell me what you feel.

*Honeydew does so.

H: I feel me brow. Is this supposed to be… what do you call it, a spiritual enlightenment thingy or something?

DS: Do you feel a horn at all?

H: Of course not!

DS: So can you tell me how you could cast magic without a horn in the first place?

H: Ever since I was a wee filly, I had the power to tap into my earth pony magic.

DS: Earth pony… magic? What, their ability to channel mana to become stronger and tougher, or to manipulate plant life or the earth?

H: What are you talking about, doc? I mean REAL magic! Levitation! Teleportation! Fireballs! It’s in the ninety percent of everyone’s brain they never use. Except for me! Not only am I smart enough to use it, I do magic better than most unicorns! THEY might as well have been born the Earth Ponies! I tell you, there ain’t nothing like blasting a hundred holes into into somepony who irritates you; it’s the cornerstone of who I am as a person.

DS: Let’s take a break. I’ll get the nurse to come in and give you something to relax a little and clear your head.

H: Some whiskey, you mean? Be very much appreciated, I’ll tell ya that! You should have some yourself, Doc, yeh look like yeh could use a sip!

-transcript ends-

* * *

The following day, Lero was surprised to see his entire herd arrive. Apparently, Twilight had been discharged, though her horn was still bandaged… plus, there was a very unexpected additional guest whom Lero fixed on at once.

“Fancy seeing you here, Princess Celestia,” Lero greeted from his hospital bed.

Twilight gave him a troubled look, as though not sure how he’d respond to the sight of Princess Celestia. Lero wasn’t sure how he should be feeling himself. Maybe he really wasn't afraid of her anymore. Maybe he was too tired to give a damn. Though he wasn't ashamed to admit, her aurora hair still gave him chills when he saw it, even if the mare attached to it didn't as much anymore. At least he no longer locked up in terror at it. Either way, seeing the Princess was a bit of a surprise.

She had come with her mane as flat as those of all the mortal ponies accompanying her; not wavering in that special ethereal way which put Lero so ill-at-ease. “It really has been a long while since we’ve spoken face-to-face, hasn’t it, my friend?” asked Celestia, speaking for them both.

“It has,” the human agreed, albeit stiffly. “Truth be told, I’m surprised you had time to come see me.” Twilight made a soft, uncomfortable noise but seemed unwilling to dare intrude in their conversation.

“How are you feeling, Lero?” Celestia then asked. “Are you sleeping well?”

Lero sat up straighter in bed, smiling. “I’m much better than I was a few days ago, Your Majesty. And my sleep has been excellent. I’m sorry your sister’s not here; then I’d be able to thank her in person for that.”

These past few days, the Moon Princess had been bending over backwards to keep Lero’s sleep nightmare-free. For some of the dreams he’d had, she’d insert herself blatantly. Scrounger The Dog would have his filthy paws on him again, and down Luna would descend from the heavens, like an avenging goddess and smite the diseased creature with lightning. It struck him as faintly amusing having a literal quasi-deity delivering a Deus ex Machina.

Other times, she acted more behind-the-scenes. A bear-sized Honeydew would be pursuing him through a dark labyrinth made of primate cages, firing Pinkie Pie’s lye shooter at him like a minigun, when suddenly he turned a corner, and found himself celebrating a very happy birthday with the Element Bearers in Sugar Cube Corner.

Lero was very, very, certain Princess Luna had even went so far as to personally craft several sweet dreams for him to enjoy. He could see her hoof in all of them. He vividly remembered one where he was back on Earth with his parents. And his father had greeted him with a hearty, “Fair tidings to you, goodly son of mine!” and his mother had brought out a bale of hay for them all to eat. Apparently, Princess Luna's information about his home was limited to whatever details he'd dreamed, and had filled in the rest with her own experiences.

Even so, every moment of these dreams had been delightful, and he was deeply touched that Princess Luna would’ve gone to so much trouble for him.

“Is there anything I could get you?”

The human rubbed his shaven dome. “Some hair would be nice,” he told her, running his hand over his shorn head. His hair had been removed during the initial stages of treatment, and only a faint stubble starting to regrow.

Celestia’s horn titled the slightest bit downward; Lero could see a faint trace of mirth in her eyes. “That is something I can do. My mastery over hair growth is more extensive than my student's current mastery of moustaches.” She couldn't help but give Twilight an amused glance.

Lero leaned back slightly at the sight of the overly large horn drawing closer to him. “On second thought, I’d rather let it grow back on its own. Thanks, though.”

The alicorn’s horn lifted back up so that she and the human were staring eye-to-eye. “I owe you many apologies, Lero. For my deplorable lack of foresight. For arrogantly failing to suspect that any of my ponies would’ve been capable of such malevolence, fanaticism, and audacity. For not keeping a closer eye on you, and protecting you better from those who’d seek to do you harm. For this, and every other foolishness I’ve been showing so often…”

He noticed how Celestia’s eyes darted to all the ponies right behind her; Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Spike, Lyra, and Twilight Sparkle.

“...I beg your forgiveness.”

When Celestia bowed her head, her humility and regret were genuine. A dark part of Lero, seeped in resentment, found it all too convenient that Princess Celestia would have Rarity and Rainbow Dash next to her when she finally deigned to speak to him in person. There was so much they couldn’t talk about in front of Swapped ponies!

Yet, he also found himself imagining the way things might’ve gone if this situation had been reversed; if some Equestrian stallion had found himself stranded on Earth and the United States government had offered him citizenship. How long would it have taken some well-armed extremist to decide he was a threat to humanity?

“I’ll forgive you on one condition,” Lero told her.

“Lero, please…” Twilight begged under her breath.

“Tell me what you’re planning to do so that this never happens again.”

Twilight looked over to her mentor, who sat herself, and began to speak.

“I’m going to assign a team of elite agents of mine to keep watch over you. Not all the members of the Sicklefin gang were at that mill. It’ll be extremely important that you be guarded these first few weeks, especially in case one of them should try to attack you, or perhaps even an unaffiliated copycat killer, taking it upon herself to finish what the Sicklefins could not. Also, I intend to renegotiate agreements with several surrounding nations, especially in regards to criminal activity. My stance in regards to other nations in how they pursue criminals entering and leaving their nations has been rather laissez-faire, for the sake of peace and friendly relations. Unfortunately, it's clear it has allowed significant criminal organizations to thrive when they otherwise would not. Now that one made an attempt on your life, it clearly can't be allowed to continue.”

Lero shuddered. It felt like his life was turning into some kind of political espionage thriller. He pictured himself flanked by a pair of Secret Service ponies in suits and sunglasses. Agents who’d keep every pony at arm’s length at all hours of the day. Ponies who would follow him into the bathroom, check everything before he could use it, and wait right outside the stall, in case some terrorist had strapped a bomb to the toilet.

“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, and to a certain extent, I agree with what you’re saying, but could we please not have bodyguards? Not for any of my family, and especially not for me. It might get in the way of… me helping out my neighbors.” He said vaguely, not point in letting anyone overhear there were other swapped ponies, bewitchment or not.

The princess nodded at Lero, a knowing look on her face. “Not to worry. The ponies I’ll send will blend right into the background; you’ll never know they’re even there. You didn't realize Lyra had been assigned to watch over you until you were told, did you?"

"...That's a fair point." Lero supposed that was the best he’d could possibly ask for, given the circumstances. So he extended his hand towards Princess Celestia. “Then I forgive you for this Sicklefin fiasco.”

The relief on Twilight’s face as Lero shook Celestia’s hoof showed just how badly she’d been afraid he’d lash out in open anger at her.

“That said…” Twilight finally intervened. “I have something to show you, Lero.”

“Oh?” asked Lero, putting his food tray aside.

Twilight nodded. “Lyra, set it up.”

Lyra sighed, unfolding a stand out of her saddlebags, and placing several diagrams on it. “I still say this is excessive,” she said, levitating out a pointer.

“You said you’d help. Besides, I’m not supposed to use my magic except when necessary.”

“Fine.” Lyra replied, pointing out diagrams as Twilight talked.

“Alright, Lero! Remember when you first got here? Remember all the extensive tests and studies I put you through?”

Lero blushed slightly. “...Yes.” One of the first things she learned was his nudity taboo as she attempted -- repeatedly -- to get him to strip for a more thorough examination.

“Well, I made a few discoveries back then that were a deciding factor in Celestia letting you walk freely among the populace. Lero, I want you to think back,” Twilight said. “Think back all the way to your first day coming here... Can you ever remember getting sick? Ever?”

Lero frowned at her. “Sure, I’ve gotten sick! I’ve woken up with real skull-pounding hangovers!”

“Alright, hangovers, but those were from alcohol,” said Twilight. “Have you ever gotten sick?”

“Yes! I’ve been in the hospital before! Remember Bramblewood? That spider Rarity saved me from? Or how about right here and now?! Or any other couple of times I've been hurt?” Lero pointed around at everything, especially his bed with all the medical attachments it came with.

“Well… okay, yes, you’ve sustained your share of physical injuries, and you were injected with spider venom, but poisons don’t count at what I'm getting at!”

“They don’t, huh?” asked Lero, folding his arms skeptically.

“No, they do not,” answered Twilight, pointing her hoof very firmly at a pie chart, which showed a listing of the reasons for his visits to the hospital. Check-ups, injuries... And not much else. “Really think back on this, Lero. Can you remember one time since coming to Equestria where you came down with a fever? The flu? One case of the common cold? Any illness that can be directly attributed to viruses or bacteria?”

Lero gave it some real thought, casting his mind back to stumbling out through the thorns, and mentally fast forwarding through his life from there.

“It… it HAD to have happened at SOME point…” Lero murmured, thinking back on all the times he’d spent in bed. All those snowy winters where he ought to have caught a cold. All the hooves he’d shaken in friendship, all those objects ponies had placed into his hands with their mouths…

“The thing is, Lero, I don’t think it ever did. Or will.”

Twilight Sparkle sat down by him.

“Before coming to Equestria, Lero, you’d lived in not just one world but two: Earth and… the other place.” She spoke the last part in a tiny voice, and quickly continued on. “Think of what that means on a microscopic level! Imagine how many different cultures of microscopic organisms must’ve been crawling all over your skin, the day you arrived in Equestria! How many strains of bacteria? How many viruses?”

Lero’s stomach twisted. The day he’d crossed over into Equestria, he’d unleashed a Pandora’s Box of diseases upon this entire world. Suddenly, all Honeydew’s wild paranoias around him didn’t seem the least bit groundless now.

“Jesus, what have I done…?!”

Twilight’s hoof stopped his hands from covering his face. “Nothing. Nothing whatsoever. Want to know why? Because the pathogens which afflict sapient bipeds of Earth and those that afflict Equestrian ponies are too completely dissimilar! So you can rest assured, Lero, absolutely no harm has been done.”

“Uh… I hate to be the guy to ask this, but how can you be sure about that, Twilight?!” asked Spike, creeping towards the open door.

“Think about it, Spike. Have millions of ponies died from the untold number of alien diseases Lero brought into Equestria? Has Lero died from the untold number of diseases-alien-to-him which are floating in the very air we breathe?”

“Er… no,” said Spike, pausing awkwardly at the doorway, shutting the door.

"What's more, while I suspected it at the time, Gus Wainwright's research clinched it: human being have a different basis for their biology. You evolved in a magic-poor environment, so you never incorporated magic into your biology, like we ponies did. And like all our illnesses did, as well." Lyra pointed out a diagram Lero had seen before in Gus' lab, demonstrating how magic had incorporated itself in the pony nervous system.

"But wouldn't lacking magic make me more vulnerable to a magical disease?” Lero argued. “I'd have no defense!"

"No. While magic can affect you, like it could an object, you lack fundamental systems our diseases are dependent on to function. Let me give a nonmagical example."

She nodded to Lyra, who switched to a new diagram, showing two molecules. They seemed identical, contains the same atoms, connected in the same pattern, except they were flipped, like in a mirror. "See, it's possible to create any non-symmetrical molecule in a mirrored fashion; this is called ‘chirality.’ Or hoofedness- like being right-" one molecule was pointed out, "-or left hoofed." Then the other. "Though on Earth, I suppose they'd call it 'handedness'."

"That's... interesting, Twilight, but what does that have to do with me not getting sick?" Since this was a life-or-death matter, he was really trying to wrap his mind around the science lesson Twilight was trying to teach him.

"Everything! If you took an Earth disease and put it on a wrong-hoofed... Handed world, it'd be helpless. To even function, it'd need to somehow be able to break down every molecule it encountered, and reassemble it in a mirrored fashion. While not impossible, such an arrangement would be so energy-intensive as to be impossible to realistically maintain. Not even the sturdiest viruses could survive in such circumstances. Or to put it inversely, Lero, if we rebuilt you at the molecular level to have reverse-handed biology, you'd be immediately immune to all Earth diseases... but you'd be unable to extract nutrition from Earth food.”

Lero, who was right-handed, looked at his left hand in amazement. Never would he have dreamt how much potential for disaster it contained.

“Equestrian diseases face a similar dilemma in your body; there's simply not enough innate magic in your tissues for them to successfully infect you."

As Twilight spoke, Lyra revealed a comic-style depiction an anthropomorphic bacteria (equinomorphic?) being confused after being transported to to a universe of backward amino acids. It sampled the local cuisine, spitting it out in disgust, then slowly wasted away. He wasn't sure if seeing a cute bacteria reduced to skin and nonexistent bones was funny or disturbing. Lero decided to go with 'both'.

"Okay... I kinda follow you. but I've heard of diseases jumping between species before, why can't that happen here?"

"Ah..." Rainbow spoke up, everyone turning to look at her. She shied away for a moment, before steadying herself. "I can answer that."

Twilight hadn't done the research for that specific question, so she ceded the floor. "Go on?"

"Um, what you're talking about is something called a 'zoonotic', illness, and they're, ah, really rare. It has to do with the type of illness and how closely related the species involved are. Most illnesses are specifically adapted to their environment... that is, the species they infect. That’s why a dog licking a cut is less likely to cause infection than, say, a pony mouth -- or a human’s, in your case. It’s not that the dog’s mouth is clean -- they got as much bacteria and whatnot in there as a pony -- or a human’s mouth. It’s just they’re all adapted to living in dogs, not ponies or humans so infection is less likely.”

Lero had to fight down amazement as he listened to the rainbow-maned pegasus say all this. Yet still he had to wonder… had the Butterfly Mark been compelling Rainbow Dash to read all sorts of zoological science books during her spare time? Or was it possible that Dash was tapping directly into the Old Fluttershy’s memories and experiences?

“Bacteria and viruses do change enough that it's possible to jump species, but when they do, they usually are much, much weaker and easily handled by the immune system, since they’re not adapted to fooling or fighting that particular immune system. Self-contained organisms like fungi or parasites have the easiest time making the jump, but they're the easiest to treat, too. The more pernicious organisms, like viruses and bacteria have a much harder time doing so... And it's further complicated by how different organisms are. Jumping between a pony and a donkey is pretty easy... A pony and a pig? Just a bit harder... Pony and a lizard? Now that's hard. Pony and a tree? Nearly impossible. It has to do with how closely related they are... And Lero, you're not related to any of us at all."

What a far cry from Daring Do this all is, Lero thought, then forced himself to refocus on purely on the science, and whether it sounded believable.

“There's some exceptions to that, with certain magical illnesses,” Dash went on, “as they prey on the magic that's in all Equestrian species but it's already obvious how that's a non-issue for you, so I rest my case. So I think we can safely conclude that whatever diseases you might’ve picked up from this Diamond Dog… they have no idea where to even BEGIN inside your body!”

Lero was staring at a half-finished glass of milk on his lunch tray, remembering a very old science lesson he’d learned in high school.

“Edward Jenner… that was his name…”

“Who?” Lyra asked, putting down the pointer.

“Well, on Earth, there’s this disease called smallpox. I don’t know if it even exists in Equestria…”

Everyone looked over to Twilight.

“Can’t say I’ve heard of it,” she told them all.

“Well, it was a killer. Smallpox caused the death of millions of people over many centuries. It killed about thirty percent of those who contracted it. The survivors weren't left untouched, either. A third of the people who survived it went blind, while the rest were just left with horrible scars. But then came this doctor named Jenner, and he observed that milkmaids who worked with cows got this similar disease called cowpox…”

He saw all his girls wince.

“Ooh, cowpox, THAT’S a name we know…” said Rainbow Dash, cringing.

“Poor Moooira and Mooona… you know it was the cowpox that got them both…?” Rarity whispered to Lyra.

“Anyway,” Lero continued, “cowpox, or at least its nonmagical equivalent, exists on Earth. But when a human catches cowpox, he gets only slightly ill, and quickly gets over it.”

“Why?” Lyra asked.

“Because… because cowpox doesn’t know what to do in a human body. It was ‘made’ to infect cows.”

He was starting to see where Twilight was coming from with her argument. It was just like Twilight said: if he could get sick from pony diseases, he would've been dead in his first week here, and his own germs, the ones his body was relativelly familiar and resistant to and, in some cases, even depended on? Those would have been scorching a plague across Equestria by now.

"Dr. Jenner noticed that milkmaids seemed immune to smallpox, but occasionally got cowpox blisters on their hands, so, he took material from a milkmaid's cowpox blisters, and innoculated an 8-year-old boy with it. The boy only suffered a mild fever. Then later, when the boy was exposed to smallpox, he proved immune. Because his immune system knew how to fight to off by dealing with its weaker ‘cousin,’ cowpox."

The mares in the room all perked up hopefully; it sounded like they were all on the same page! But Lero frowned, remembering another historical tidbit.

“But still, even if I’m immune to everything Scrounger The Dog put inside my body... That doesn't mean there's no danger. There’s another Earth story I can tell you about: a woman named Mary Mallon who was infected with an illness called typhoid fever. Mary, herself, wasn't affected by the disease… but she unwittingly infected people she came in contact with! Girls, you’re all not immune! I’m not safe for you to be around, I could be a carrier of all sorts of nastiness I'm immune to, just like Typhoid Mary…!”

"No, you're not." Everyone looked up to see Dr. Vital Signs standing in the doorway. "I hate to interrupt your truly epic spiel of doom and gloom, but I felt it prudent to inject an actual medical opinion." He said dryly, as he walked over, handing a sheaf of paper to Lero.

"Your test results, Mr. Michaleides. After it became clear what you'd been exposed to, we ran every test we had for every known infectious disease. Even a few tests designed to find new ones."

Lero looked over line after line reading NEGATIVE in green lettering. "Let me guess, nothing?"

Dr. Signs nodded. "Clean as a whistle. Oh, well, we found the same Earth-based microorganisms that were present when you first arrived, largely unchanged -- they tend to die quickly outside your body -- but not a readable presence of our local microscopic fauna." He paused, looking over the rest in the room. "You should consider listening to your herd more often, Mr. Michlaides, they're smart mares."

“I… uh, thank you, Dr. Signs? Are you absolutely sure…?”

“Absolutely. Normally, I might suggest a quarantine for a pony just to be sure, but not even our deepest magical scans found anything even potentially dangerous. Coupled alongside the fact that you're effectively immune to our pathogens, such an effort would be pointless. And since you’re well on the mend, I’m going to be discharging you later today. I recommend some extended rest, so just take it easy for a week, avoid heavy lifting and hard labor, and I’ll prescribe a small amount of painkillers to help manage your healing.”

He paused, looking at the four eager mares. “And kissing your mares before they mob you. I deem it not only safe, but healthy.”

Lero blinked and laughed, “Alright, girls, if it’s safe, come here.” There was a happy cheer, and the four of them jumped up on his bed, showering him with kisses. Spike rolled his eyes, while Celestia and Dr. Signs let themselves out.

After several minutes of eager kisses and cuddles, Rarity sent Dash a meaningful look. “Lero, my darling… Rainbow and I had a little gift for you.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, we do!”

Rainbow Dash came over by Rarity’s side, as Rarity levitated a small gift box into Lero’s hands. Opening it, he found a fresh new feather from Dash. And a white rose.

Lero couldn’t help but marvel at the white rose in particular. To see it was like seeing someone else’s invisible friend brought to life. Rarity had picked a gorgeous, double-flowered one in full bloom. Its pearly petals were soft to the touch, so dainty and enchanting to smell… the perfect shade of Rarity.

“Princess Celestia herself cast the same longevity spell on that rose, so it’d be just as resilient as a pegasus feather,” said Rarity. “She told me that she cast the spell doubly-strong this time, so it’d be even more resilient against… gunk.”

Lero began laughing suddenly, twirling the rose back and forth between his fingers. “It’s almost nostalgic, isn’t it, princess? That very first rose you gave me, back at that movie theater, Honeydew went and destroyed that too, didn’t she?”

“She did!” Rarity remembered. “Talk about déjà vu!”

“Well, third time’s the charm, I guess,” said Spike. “I seriously doubt that nutjob will be ruining any more roses anytime soon when she’s doing hard time.”

The rose’s stem had been clipped just short enough to be perfect for Lero to braid into his hair.

Guess it’ll have to wait until I have hair again. Lyra gave a pronounced cough, and she and Twilight stepped forward.

“Uh… Lero, we have something more to add, as well…”

Twilight levitated another small wrapped gift to Lero.

“Wow, so many gifts, has my birthday come early?” He opened their present. “Huh? What’s this?”

“Those are strands of hair cut from both our tails; Lyra’s and mine,” explained Twilight, a little bashfully. “We were hoping you could... braid them into your mane along with Rainbow’s feather and Rarity’s rose.”

“Twilight was all for getting flowers of our own to give you, but I talked her out of it,” said Lyra. “Told her it’d get a little crowded in your mane.”

Plus, a guy having that many flowers on him just looks… florid. Lero did not say aloud.

“Girls, I’m honored,” he told them.

They all watched as Lero used both Lyra and Twilight’s tail strands to tie the rose securely to the feather, all while humming a tune to himself.

“If you’re going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair, if you’re going to San Francisco, you’re going to meet some gentle people there…”

“It looks lovely!” sighed Rarity, when he was done. “Such a perfect symbol of our togetherness!”

“What do you think we ought to call it?” inquired Twilight.

“Huh?” asked Lero.

“Well, I mean, ‘feather-and-flower-tied-up-with-tail-hairs’ is quite a mouthful, so what do you think we ought to call what you just made?”

Lero thought it over, recalling terminology of similar decoration worn this way. He rejected ‘brooch’ and ‘emblem’ before settling on a name. “How about ‘unity crest’?”

“Sound good to me,” said Spike.

“It’s beautiful.” Twilight said. “I can’t wait to see it in your hair when it grows back.”

Lero smiled. “Me, either.”

* * *

===
From the Office of Dr. Disjunctive Syllogism
Interview Transcripts:
Subject: Exit Wound
Unicorn
Female
Age: 34

DS: Alright, Ms. Wound. I’ve spoken with the Consul. You are facing some very serious charges. Murder, racketeering, smuggling, kidnapping… not to mention high treason. They are willing to make a deal though if you cooperate.

EW: ~~Oi~~ I’ll try me my best…

DS: Tell about the Sicklefins. How long have you been running them?

EW: Running the Sicklefins? Uh, I think you have it wrong, miss. I’ll admit, even I’m still a bit shocked how much influence I was able to exert once I got into Honeydew’s good graces, but in the end, it was still Honeydew’s gang; SHE was running the show!

DS: Don’t be coy now, Ms. Wound. We have a very extensive dossier on you. Born in Dulin, mother murdered by a rival gang...

EW: What? Dunlin? I was born in PONYVILLE; ask anypony who’s lived there! And what’s this about ~~me~~ my Mom being murdered by a ‘rival gang?’ How dare you! Mom was many things, but she weren’t never a gangster! Mom was a hero.

DS: Then how DID your mother die? Who was she?

EW: Her name was Honeymoon. She was a firefighter, she saved ponies from burning buildings. I wanted to be just like her… but then Mom had an adulterous affair with a minotaur lover. Bronze Bell. I was the one who walked in on her while they were… at it. I fled the house, and they did too. Ran off, disappeared from the face of the world. Then, several months later… this airship explodes over Las Pegasus, the Cloud Whale… and they were able to identify Mom and that two-legged monster by their dental records. I can still remember asking Mom: ‘why would pegasi ride around in airships when they have wings?’ And she answered, ‘why do earth ponies ride around in carriages if they have legs?’

DS: Are you angrier at the minotaur or your mother?

EW: I thought my mother was a hero until she proved she was nothing but a disgusting pervert. But I’ll never forget that minotaur, because he was the one who turned her towards perversion. Turned her against her own kind, her own family. Scooped her up those freaky monkey-arms of his, and she was gone from our lives. Monkeys are the worst, the WORST…

DS: That’s a very interesting cutie mark you have there, Ms. Wound.

EW: Huh? Oh. So you find melon slices ‘very interesting?’ You must not have had any lunch yet.

DS: How long have you had that mark for?

EW: I must’ve been… nine? Ten, maybe? Yes, ten years old.

*Exit Wound is shown a picture of Honeydew with her biological sisters, Honeybee and Honeysuckle.

DS: Tell me what you see in this photo.

EW: That’s me with my sisters, in happier days. Before ‘Lemur Monkey-lides’ (sic) came. And ruined everything. And flung his wormy feces all over everything pure and good in my life. The ape’s a destroyer...

DS: I need you to focus, Ms. Wound. Tell me about your sisters.

EW: What about them?

DS: Anything you feel like sharing.

EW: Honeysuckle and Honeybee have no part in this Sicklefin business. They’re innocent. We had a tragic falling-out, ever since the evil gorilla and his mares played a terrible trick on them. That unicorn, Rarity wanted Honeybee to drown, so she hurt Honeybee while they were both in the air, and Bee crashed into a lake. But the biped decided Bee was more useful dead than alive, so he dove in and secreted his alien pheromones all over Bee while she was helpless in his clutches, underwater. When Bee resurfaced, she’d become just another of the monkey’s drones, and she even tricked Honeysuckle into turning against me… I still cry about it at night. It’s not like Monkeylides needed more fawning flank-kissers, he did this just to spite me.

DS: And you have a herd, yes? Herd… what was it again?

EW: Widescreen.

DS: Who’s in your herd?

EW: There’s Ivory Keys, my herd-sister, and Widescreen, himself, he’s our stallion. We’ve been herding for over ten years now. Oh, and I can’t forget our two little foals, either.

DS: What kind of foals?

EW: You know, I’m really surprised you’re not asking more questions about what happened at the quarry mill. I almost rid the world of the evilest entity ever to invade our lands.

DS: In time. Meanwhile, what kind of foals do you have?

EW: Our firstborn’s a pegasus filly; she’s Ivory’s. She’s a teenager, with creamy mane and a dark brown coat; she has an espresso shot for a cutie mark. Mine’s the younger one… a colt with a bright green coat, and bright green mane. Hasn’t even got his cutie mark yet. I had to ground him for over a month because he snuck off and spoke to that two-legged meat-eater against my wishes.

DS: Quick side question: what kind of pony are you?

EW: What kind…? I know ponies think I’m insane, but I haven’t forgotten I’m a unicorn!

DS: Good. On a scale of one to ten, with one being ‘very low,’ and ten being ‘very high,’ where would you rank your magical aptitude?

EW: Oh, I’d give myself a two, and that’s being generous with myself! I’m rubbish with spells; I’ve always been that way. Most days, I can barely levitate a cantaloupe without it wobbling like a drunken butterfly. Ponies have always joked that I should’ve been born an earth pony. I wouldn’t have minded that.

DS: What does your family think of the human?

EW: They… well, they don’t support me. In spite of all the evidence I present to them, day and night, none of them are convinced that the human’s dangerous.

DS: Does that make you feel betrayed?

EW: Yes. But then, that filthy bonobo’s got the whole world hoodwinked into adoring his ugly, bald-legged, no-snout mug.

DS: Does that make you feel jealous? His celebrity status?

EW: That’s a common accusation ponies love to hurl in my face; that I’m ‘jealous’ of the chimp. Jealous of his social stature. Jealous of his ‘happy family.’ Jealous I don’t have a bonobo of my own, sticking his digits inside me.

DS: Are you jealous?

EW: No. Let the rich and famous be happy with their fame and riches. If Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Lyra Heartstrings had chosen to herd with a regular stallion, you’d never have heard a peep from me. Even a griffon would’ve been tolerable. Barely.

DS: But not Lero Michealides. Why not? If they all love each other, why should you care?

EW: Because that demon is nothing but an incubus! How else could such a hideous aberration have sexed his way to where he stands?! Power! Worldwide adoration! He whispers his insidious lies into the very ear of Celestia, herself, and she laps it up like pudding!

DS: Miss Wound! Stop this behavior! Sit back down!

EW: He is a corruptor and defiler of heroes! And when heroes are corrupted, they turn their backs on all who once loved them! Don’t you see? Can’t anypony but me see the truth?!

-transcript ends-

* * *

“Ahhh… It’s good to be home.” Lero stretched out on his favorite couch at Golden Oaks Library, Twilight cuddled up by his side. “Thank you, Lyra,” he said, accepting drinks for him and Twilight.

“Remember,” cooed Rarity, as she settled behind Lero to rub his shoulders, “if I ever get hurt, I expect to be just as pampered.”

“Oh, of couuurrrsee, Ooooh, yes, Rarity, right there…” Lero mmmed happily as the other unicorn massaged him with her telekinesis.

“Dinner’s almost ready!” Rainbow Dash called from the kitchen.

“Excellent,” Twilight murmured, her eyes closed.

The smell of the meal wafting into Lero’s nostrils was nothing short of mouthwatering. Dash was such a good and enthusiastic cook. Lero struggled to recall if her old pre-Swap had ever cooked anything… usually she’d left that up to him…

“I don’t see why I have to fan them with a palm frond,” Spike grumbled.

There was a long pause, and Twilight opened her eyes. “...Spike, no one told you to do that.”

“Yeah, Spike, I thought you were doing that for comedic value,” said Lero, blinking. Where had Spike even gotten his hands on such a tropical thing as a palm frond?

“No, Twilight, you told me to... I’m now fanning you with Discord, aren’t I?”

“Indeed you are, my clever boy!” said Spike’s palm frond, which had sprouted a familiar pair of eyes and wings as he’d spoken. “I just thought I’d drop by and see how my favorite human was doing.”

With a snap, Discord was reclined on the couch, and Twilight, Lero, Lyra, Rarity, and Spike were now all fanning him. “Ah, that’s perfect.” He said, making himself comfortable, putting on sunglasses as a beam of sunlight came out of nowhere.

“Discord!” Rainbow scolded from the kitchen. “They’re recovering! Put them back!”

“Oh, I don’t know, what could be more relaxing than waiting hand and foot for wonderful little old me... OW! OW! Hey! Ow ow ow! Stop that!” Discord began to ask, before his 'servants' started to hit him with the palm fronds. “Okay, fine!” With a snap, Twilight and Lero found themselves on a super-comfy couch, wrapped in comfy, warm blankets, and hot soothing drinks in their hands, a put-out looking Discord levitating above them. “Better?”

“Much.” Twilight replied, snuggling in.

“...This hot chocolate tastes like fettuccine alfredo with cream sauce.” Lero commented, smacking his lips, eventually deciding its taste ranked three out of five stars.

“But of course! Can’t have everything normal.” Discord replied. Then he grinned over at Rarity. “I heard you enjoy fish.”

Rarity, who hadn’t touched a drop of her own hot chocolate, quickly said, “I enjoy eating fish,” as though Discord might transform her into a fish, if she’d simply said ‘yes.’ Then she looked at him warily, as though he still might do that.

“Ever sampled monkfish?”

Then the draconequus produced a ghastly aquatic creature with a squashed, dark, mottled toadlike head and a wide mouth full of many carnivorous teeth.

“Is it... edible?” questioned Lero. “I don’t think I remember ever seeing anything like that for sale at any fisherpony’s market.”

“Oh, fisherponies do sell these little guys,” Discord informed him. “It’s just that they mostly chop their heads off beforehand, since -- I’ll admit -- a cartoonist would be hard-pressed to make a marketable mascot from a face like this!”

Lero looked at the monkfish again and thought: if I were in the water, and I spotted this thing swimming at me, I’d be every bit as terrified as if it’d been a shark.

“But they are delicious, with a unique flavor and texture… so, Rarity, would you do me the kindness of bringing it to Rainbow Dash, along with this recipe for cooking it? My little treat!”

Unless it was liable to bite you or explode in your face, declining a gift from Discord was generally a bad idea. Knowing this, Rarity took the monkfish and the recipe in her telekinesis. “Thank you, Discord… I suppose I’ll be… in the kitchen helping Rainbow Dash prepare this fish… away from you.”

She left the room, clearly revolted to be handling the hideous creature even through magic.

Discord snapped his fingers, and the audio of the room subtly shifted. “I thought they’d never leave.”

Knowing magic when she saw it, Twilight furrowed her brow. “What was that, Discord?”

“Oh, just a simple audio-alteration spell.” Discord replied, with no further explanation.

“You know, Discord, something that's been on my mind about you: I’m surprised you didn’t make a personal appearance at that quarry mill,” said Lero.

“Hmm?”

“I mean, you were the name on everyone’s lips! You were the reason why the Sicklefin Gang didn’t kill Twilight and Rarity and Rainbow Dash outright. It’s really surprising that you didn’t join in the fighting.”

Discord patted Lero’s head affectionately; the way an uncle would pat the head of an adoring young nephew who suggested he ought to run for president.

“Well, I’ll tell you one thing, my little publicist pal, I was there. I scurried on over as soon as I heard the wackiness was going down. I was just…” And then Discord’s body turned invisible.

“...incognito.”

The invisible draconequus walked a circle around Lero; they could all hear his clawed feet on the floor.

“But as to my being highly conspicuous by my absence… well, let me put it this way. When you’re an immortal chaos god, and you see lovely pandemonium unfolding before you, you have two options. Sometimes you join in the fun, other times, you just kick back and pull out the popcorn.”

“And this was one of those ‘popcorn’ times, was it?” asked Lero.

The next second, Lero saw Discoteer hats on all his family’s heads, and felt one on his own.

“Lero, m’boy, between the snakes and the snow and the incredible growing-and-shrinking Lyra, you were supplying quite a lot of chaos without my help,” said Discord, no longer invisible. “True, you were amateurs, and an expert like moi could’ve livened it up even more. But for amateurs, you were all so spirited, so thrilling and spontaneous, I didn’t have the heart to intrude and steal your thunder. I wanted to see where you took things on your own!”

“So, what you’re saying… You didn’t help us… because you were enjoying the chaos!?” Twilight snapped. “I know this is a stupid question, but are you crazy!? Lero could have died!”

There was a very, very long pause, before Discord responded. “People die every day.” The mirth was gone from his voice. “What would you have me do? Do you really wanted the Lord of Chaos, the Master of Mayhem to serve as the Grim Reaper? Decide who stays, and who comically slips on a banana peel, falls ass over teakettle into an open sewer and croaks?”

“I… Never really thought about it.” Twilight replied, hesitantly.

“Death isn’t fun. Death’s when the fun stops. But the thing with nigh-omnipotence is that if anything happens, it’s because you allowed it take place, because you didn’t stop it. But what fun is that? That level of responsibility? I only ever agreed to use my powers as Celestia asked, and refrain from too much disruption of you ponies. And she did not ask me to put a stopper in death. Unfortunately, if I intercede to save one person… well, soon, everyone expects to have a turn.”

“And you’re no one’s genie.” Lero commented.

Discord snaps his fingers, Lero’s Discoteer hat morphing into a Mortarboard. “Give the boy a prize, he can learn!” The cheerful tone returned as he performed some weird yoga pose along the wall. “So anyone I save -- or not -- is purely at my own discretion, thank you, and I think Celestia would begrudgingly grant me that. You don’t see her wandering around making other ponies immortal like her, do you? Besides, just because someone invokes my name a bunch of times doesn’t automatically mean I’ve got to drop everything and show up. Who do they think I am, Bloody Mary? Mortals are ALWAYS trying to manipulate you in some way… when they’re not out to slay you.”

Suddenly, Lero was holding a broken beer bottle that had literally appeared in his hand out of nowhere. But Discord looked at him with good humor, and the next second, the broken bottle had transformed into a large slab of chocolate, on which the words ‘Friendship Is Magic’ had been written.

“So, how about them new swapped ponies, eh, Lero? You all were looking away to fix swapped ponies, but ended up making TWO more! Ain’t that a kick in the pants?”

Everyone in the room cringed.

“Yeah,” the human agreed, “a real punch to stomach.” He set the chocolate aside; not even tempted to bite into any of it right now.

Discord chuckled. “Seriouslly, you should see their psyche evaluations. It’s comedy gold!” With a snap of his fingers, Interview transcripts conducted by a 'Dr. Syllogism' appeared in front of them.

“Why am I not surprised you’re spying on them, too?” Lyra murmured, flipping through them.

“Relevant to my duties, so to speak.” Discord replied.

“And speaking of those two, Discord, can you tell us what’s happening right now, with the Sicklefin gang? Aren’t they going to be put on trial?”

“Trial?” After a long and overly obnoxious laugh, Discord elbowed Twilight playfully. “Naive know-nothings say the darndest things, don’t they?”

Then he turned back to Lero. “No, there’s been a news leak about the Swap, so Celestia’s going to want to keep this close to the chest as much as she can. The cat's out of the bag, so now it's time to get rid of the bag and deny it was ever there.”

He snapped his fingers and suddenly they had a television set sitting in the middle of the room.

“That means no courtroom and no judge...” started Discord.

“Wait, no judge? They’re not getting due process?” Lero interjected.

Twilight shrugged. “The Princesses are the highest legal authority in the kingdom, Lero. They effectively are judges, so their decrees can hold the same legal weight.”

Lero frowned, remembering some of the more abusive monarchies from his own world. “So they’re not subject to their own laws?”

Twilight shook her head. “Of course they are! You saw the council dealing with them in the past when they had functionally become derelict in their duties. There’s specific provisions in the legal system to handle if they ever become suspects of a crime that they can’t legally influence.”

Lero frowned and shrugged. “Sorry, sometimes it’s still a bit weird dealing with the fact I’m not living in a democracy anymore.”

Discord loudly cleared his throat. “If we can continue?” He asked, turning on the TV with a remote control. “This is being handled by internal government investigators working at places that don't exist. They bring you in, put you in a box, and ask questions.”

Discord’s TV was showing one such questioning session taking place inside a small, nearly-featureless room.

“State your name, please,” a unicorn interrogator instructed, sitting at a table.

“I-I’m Absinthe.”

Absinthe… Absinthe… “Y... you eat meat, right?”

The name and the voice echoed back into Lero’s head from so long ago. The colt he was seeing on-screen… bright green coat and mane, blue eyes, still no cutie mark… it was the same kid. The second-to-last pony that the Old Rainbow Dash had ever spoken to before she’d been Swapped...

The interrogator wrote Absinthe’s name on a document. “And you are the son of Honeydew, is that correct?”

“Yes,” said Absinthe, sadly. “Honeydew’s my mom.”

“Oh, and... and have you EVER eaten pony m...?”

“Alright, Absinthe. Two months ago, you had seen your mother tear up a piece of paper and shove it into the trash. A piece of paper which you then pulled out of the trash and taped back together. Is this correct?”

“I… I…”

Absinthe’s family… Honeydew’s family... was with the little colt. Including Honeybee and Honeysuckle, too. It seemed they were all being interrogated together. Widescreen, the herd’s stallion, put an arm around his son. “It’s okay, Absinthe. Go ahead and tell the nice pony what she wants to know.”

“Yeah, Absinthe,” said a teenage mare; Absinthe’s sister, who had also been there on that long-ago day. “It’ll be okay.”

“Both our herd-mothers are furious with you, Absinthe! Especially your own!"

Lero was aware Honeydew was part of a herd, but had never dreamed she’d been a mother, as well. Then again, it only made sense that the super-xenophobic mare would’ve gone to great pains to hide her children from a ‘monster’ like him for this long. It must’ve taken an extraordinary amount of courage for Absinthe to finally approach Lero after all the years he’d been living in Ponyville.

Honeydew… why did she have to hate him THIS much?! Take things to THIS extreme? It was just… it was just...

“How could this have even happened?!” the human exploded out loud. “I mean, I’m still bowled over by it!”

“By this new Swap?” asked Discord.

“That, and by this whole snafu with the Sicklefins and Honeydew in general! I mean, it still feels like it came completely out of nowhere for me… and this is the LAST thing we need right now, there’s no reason for it to have even happened while we haven’t finished sorting out Twilight’s first Swap…”

Discord hit a button on the remote and the interrogation paused. The draconequus looked Lero square in the eye; as a parent would look at a spoiled, presumptuous kid.

“Lero, my friend, take it from me -- a guy who’s only just recently discovered an appreciation for goodness and friendship after untold eons: do you really think the bad guys care? Did you seriously believe that all the wrongdoers of this world would politely put their schemes on indefinite hold, while you and Twilight sorted out the Swap? Count yourself incredibly lucky they’ve been as low-key for as many months as it’s been!”

He pointed a warning finger at Lero.

“But evildoers will rise again to spread havoc, as they always do. Whether it takes the form of a psychotic neighbor, a gang of mobsters from the Emerald Isles, a tinpot dictator with a brand-new weapon of mass destruction, space aliens, Celestia’s evil twin from a parallel universe, or…”

* * *

The wizened centaur in his black hooded robe suddenly experienced a prickle down his impossibly ancient spine. From his spot on the forest floor where he was crouched low, the old fugitive rose and spun around. Apart from a few birds in the trees, no one was around. The centaur’s mind had been playing tricks on him. No great surprise, there. What was the Sun Princess playing at?

Cerberus leaving his post all those months ago had been an incredible stroke of fortune, and the centaur had not squandered the opportunity. Surely his escape from Tartarus hadn’t really gone unnoticed by Celestia, had it? No, he couldn’t afford to drop his guard, not even after all this time. Soldiers of hers had to be hunting him. He needed to focus on restoring himself back to full strength.

But even as Lord Tirek bent back down to suck in more of the life essence from the pheasant on the ground, he couldn’t quite shake the weird surety that someone had spoken his name from a distance.

* * *

“...Something else entirely… they won’t be pulling their punches. If I were standing in your beat-up shoes, Lero, I’d take this experience as a much-needed wake-up call.”

“You’re right, Discord,” said Twilight Sparkle. “You’re absolutely right. All of us Element Bearers are going to need to be ready for anything. All six of us will need to have our minds set right, one way or another.”

“Absolutely,” said Lero, and cleared his throat. “Although, Discord… while we’re on the subject of Swaps and government cover-ups, I couldn’t help but notice how you seem to be sitting this one out. You’ve chosen not to include these two new Swapped Ponies in your Bewitchment.”

“That’s right.” Discord changed the channel on his TV, and now they were seeing a stressed-out Celestia in some kind of special situation room, looking unhappily at photographs of Exit Wound and Honeydew, while conversing with a small body of her most trusted advisors. “Celestia’s a big girl; she can handle this one herself.”

“Is there any way I could convince you to change your mind on that?” Lero asked quietly.

When the channel changed again, it wasn’t an intentional thing. Discord’s finger had slipped in surprise. No one here had expected Lero to say this.

“I mean, I know it’ll be a humongous inconvenience for you, Discord, but it’s just... well…”

“When will the doctors be able to fix my Mom, Miss?” Honeydew’s son begged to know. “How long will they need?”

There was a long pause from the investigator. “I’m sorry, Absinthe, I don’t know that, I’m not a doctor,” he replied. “Could you please continue answering the questions?”

Tears started streaming down Absinthe’s eyes, as he began to sob.

“I just want my mom back! But she’s been changed! She’s a different pony now! She doesn’t recognize me at all! Not me, not Dad, not Mama Ivory, not even Triple! I told her I loved her, and she… she laughed and said all sorts of horrible things to me! All sorts of awful swear words in that weird accent! I just want her to remember! I just want her to remember!”

Lero turned back to Discord, pleadingly.

“Look, I’m not asking you to have Honeydew and Exit Wound not go to jail. There’s no denying, they NEED to be locked up. But…”

He looked forward at the members of Herd Widescreen and Honeydew’s two sisters, all tearful, even as they sought to calm Absinthe down. “...I feel so bad for that poor family. They didn’t deserve this. At least, if they were Bewitched... it’ll be a little bit easier on their hearts, wouldn’t it?”

But Discord only laughed. “Really, Lero? Seriously? And give up this…” he gestured to the trial, “...entertainment?”

“Discord…” Lero said, pleadingly.

The draconequus let out a snort. “You are disgustingly forgiving, you know that? Look, while I am all-powerful, I am not perfect. As the Avatar of Chaos, the very concept of perfection is an abomination to me, anyway. So while I could easily take more Swapped souls under the wing of my Bewitchment… the more there are, the more likely some sort of flaw might be introduced, from a tiny, nagging inconsistency to a full-blown, mind-breaking paradox.”

Then his eyes narrowed, a deep, frightening scowl crossing his face; Lero suddenly recognizing the danger possible from someone he normally regarded as his friend. "And I am not that forgiving. I will not endanger my friends -- and, I suppose, acquaintances -- to protect them. In fact, I want those two to understand a certain truth: more than ever before, no one sees things the way they do."

“Hate to say it, Fingers, but I’m with Discord on this one,” said Lyra. “The situation’s far from ideal, but at least these two horrible mares will at least be able to see things from a much-needed new perspective. Not the perspective they NEED, perhaps, but a new perspective nonetheless. At least that psychopath, Exit Wound, now has a worldview where she actually loves other ponies… and Honeydew has one where she doesn't regard Lero as evil incarnate. So who knows? This swap might do them some good, in the end.”

“I agree too,” sighed Twilight. “Fixing those two isn't the priority. Whatever limited spell casting I can currently manage should be focused on helping our friends, not criminals, especially considering how critical the Element Bearers are to Equestria. Even though I do feel absolutely terrible for the little colt.” She finished, miserablly.

Lero looked over at Spike. Although it was a longshot, maybe Spike might understand where he was coming from, since he and Absinthe were both young…

“Maybe if this had been Mr. and Mrs. Cake instead of Exit Wound and Honeydew, I’d’ve been right with you, Lero, and helped you try and talk Discord into at least including them in the Bewitchment,” said Spike, pausing to imagine how the Cake parents’ Swap would go. “But those two? No. Once we get the swapped fixed, Yeah, okay. Just… For now? They’re criminals, and we can let the cops deal with criminals for now. That’s their job.”

And to that, Discord raised a glass of what looked to be mercury.

“So here’s to a pair of horrible mares

Long in jail may they rot!

Which one’s which? The two made a switch!

And both deserved what they got!

Zum Wohl!”

Lero thought it over as Discord drunk his mercury. Maybe they were right. He was being way too lenient on these despicable ponies. He looked back at Herd Widescreen, and at Honeysuckle and Honeybee. Yes, it was regrettable, and they’d be going through a lot of pain. But Bewitchment or no Bewitchment, nothing changed the fact that an insane mare was getting locked away, and they’d be one family member short.

Lero thought back on every cruel word Honeydew had ever spat at him. All the times she’d ever tried to attack him. And to think, she’d been planning this for months, if not longer! Not to mention that Diamond Dog… on one hand, it was true that none of Scrounger’s diseases would’ve been compatible with his body. But there was no denying what Honeydew’s intention had been. To Hell with her. He needed to focus on what was really important, just like Twilight.

“Thus, Miss Exit Wound and Miss Honeydew have been jointly declared incompetent due to mental instability induced by magical curse,” an important-looking pony on Discord’s TV was saying. “Until further notice, both mares are to be held in the Merry Meadows Psychomantic Trauma Research and Rehabilitation Facility for the Criminally Unwell. Reevaluation shall take place upon the breaking of said curse."

“Dinner’s ready!” sang Rainbow Dash from the kitchen. “Come get it while it’s hot!”

The TV disappeared into smoke as everyone got up. Lero glanced at the clock as he strode towards the kitchen with the others. In a couple hours, Fluttershy would be coming over, and they’d be having the first of their new comedy lessons together. He could hardly wait.

* * *

“BLOIND! Yer all BLOIND! That carnivore’s clouded yer perceptions! Yer lost in his maze o’ illusions and LOIES!”

The foam-padded Orderly Golems used to treat ‘danger criminals’ as they put it, escorted Exit Wound down the corridor, failing to respond to anything she was saying. Yet still, she had to keep trying. The world depended on her continuing to try.

“Oi AIN’T a gangster boss! Oi ain’t from teh Emerald Oisles! Oi grow melons and sell ‘em in teh market! Oi’m a sister! Oi’m a mother! Oi’ve got herdmates! And Oi’ve never had a cutie mark different than this one! Et’s always been this way!”

They had treated her like a stranger. Widescreen, the love of her life, Absinthe, the sweet young colt born from their love… Ivory Keys, who shared Honeydew’s stallion and who had always been a wonderful, loving herdmother to Absinthe, even if Exit, herself, hadn’t been quite so wonderful to Triple Espresso… she HAD tried. And Honeybee and Honeysuckle too. She’d been fighting for all their sakes, especially.

The shrink who’d interviewed Exit had brought her family in to see her to ‘test something.’ To ‘validate a theory’ she had. Exit’s family had given their permission to be recorded. Exit had been prepared to be screamed at. She’d been prepared for anguished tears. She’d even been prepared to be disowned from the herd. They had all insisted that she’d never been part of their family in the first place. The real mother, the real herdsister, had been HONEYDEW… according to them. That foul, profane, murderous, self-absorbed brute of a sexual deviant crime queen.

It had devolved into a screaming match. The more Exit had tried to make her family remember the truth, the louder they screamed back how insane she was. The foals hadn’t been able to take it; they’d ran out of the room, wailing… only for Absinthe to return five minutes later with a still-tear-streaked face, and beg Exit to give his ‘real mom’ her cutie mark back.

“But don’t think Oi dunno what’s really going on! Oi know who’s ta blame for me family not recognoizing me! Oi saw what Monkeyloides did at teh quarry! Spinning Twoiloight Sparkle’s head around… that weird spell that hit me… THAT’S what caused this! He did et! He’s teh real criminal, not me!”

The sterile white walls of the facility were occasionally interrupted by bright murals painted on them. No actual paintings that patients could pull of the wall and attack someone with. All were sweet, cloying images where everyone was happy, cheerful, friendly, and smiling, almost to the point of being eerie and unsettling.

Floral-scented disinfectant almost-but-not-quite covered the disturbing scents the naturally came with being a medical facility that housed the mentally ill. The overwhelming cloying scent carried a faint undercurrent of unpleasantness matching the 'Nice-but-not-right' of the visuals. Quiet, peaceful, symphonic music played, only occasionally interrupted by muffled incoherent screams, yells, howls and barks emitted by patients in the high-security wing she was being escorted into.

Exit shuddered. She needed to get away from this place, she NEEDED to make the bonobo pay for what he’d done… if only she could wriggle out of this straightjacket and horn wrap somehow...

“Open yer eyes: he ain’t just some harmless civilian!! He rewroites reality and scrambles ponies’ brains as he sees fit, loike his pal, Discord! They’re probably BROTHERS! Who knows WHAT his true endgame is? Who knows WHAT he’s really capable o’ doing? And we’re just playing roight inta his filthy bonobo paws! Praising him for every second he screws us over more!”

The white-padded Orderly Golems came to a stop before a door. One of them brought out a key and fitted it into the keyhole. Panic welled within Exit Wound. Why did she always have to be so alone? Why couldn’t anypony give her the help she really needed?

“Yeh… yeh HAVE ta let me go! Oi need ta put a stop ta this! Et’s what Oi was meant for! Lemur Monkeyloides is me entoire reason for being! Hating him, revoiling him, badmouthing him, foighting him, ending him… this is why Oi exist in this world! Just as anteaters exist to eat ants! Just as Celestia exists to move teh sun! Please, yeh HAVE ta let me go! He’s poison and Oi’m teh antidote! He’s a voirus and Oi’m teh vaccine! Only OI can end him, for Oi, alone, can see through his trickery! In teh name o’ sanity, yeh HAVE ta believe me and let me fulfil me destiny!” She struggled violently, attempting to wrench herself from their grip before they shoved her into her new room.

One of the two Golems spoke up, its glowing eyes flickering as it spoke, the rigid smiling mouth not moving at all. "Relax, Patient Exit, this is a normal and healthy part of the recovery process! Here, take a deep breath of lovely lilac-scented sleepygas! And remember, Patient Exit: you are loved!"

A cloud of gas hissed out of a tiny nozzle hidden in its mouth. She gasped, unintentionally inhaling, feeling pleasantly woozy as they escorted into her padded room, the walls painted with reassuring, empowering phrases such as “You can do it!” and “Heal Thyself!” and “You are loved!” Smiling faces and idyllic vistas surrounded her. once she was seated, the golems exited, shutting the door behind them, leaving her in the brightly-lit hell of happy reassurance.

Thoughts sluggishly passed through her drugged haze. She’d lost. She had truly and decisively lost. They thought she was crazy. They thought she wasn’t herself. She was shut away in here, cut off from the rest of the world, with no way of contacting good, normal ponies just living their good, normal lives, and warning them of the danger they were in and inspiring them to take action against the insidious mind-warping demon in their midst. The Elements of Harmony could save no one; they were accomplices enthralled to the great enemy. With her out of the picture, the human was completely free, to revamp pony society howsoever he saw fit.

Her family and friends were at his twisted mercy. The world would not be saved.

Everything within Exit Wound needed to be fighting the human, and the human had won.

She felt her cutie mark begin to clench.

Author's Note

Merry Christmas, everyone!