The sound of the cardiac monitor and the radio were just white noise, something to help calm me. I remembered that Nurse outside telling me something, something about gloves, I'm pretty sure she said that gloves were for amateurs, and I am no amateur. I am Nigel Burke, the greatest surgeon in the world, but only if I eat my down tabs, they're what makes me so damn good.
The horses had given me my room, one of those large ones that could hold an audience, but I told them that there would no person or horse to witness this surgery. Audience members had the habit of trying to interfere with my work, something that I could not tolerate.
My arm was giving me a lot of trouble, so I took a few extra downs, and that calmed it some. I love those little pills so much, I kept a bottle with me during the operation. Luckily for me, unicorn anatomy is identical to human, so I knew exactly what to do and where to cut.
I grabbed the bloody cover that protected the opening, ripped it from the pin, and saw that there were intestines in my way, intestines that were stupid.
I looked to my tools, the same ones I brought from home. it was comforting to know that I had plenty of options to chose from. I hovered my hand over the various tools to my disposal with glee.
"All right Nigel, time to show these horses what fifty days of medical practice can do. And with that, I picked up my electrical handheld saw.
Some might say that the electric saw wasn't the regulation instrument for an incision in the intestine, but I say that if it isn't regulation, why did they give it to me? I lowered the saw. What was supposed to be a clean cut into the large intestine was thrown way off course by a spasm in my hand, sending my saw into the mass of fleshy tubes of the small intestines which in turn, sent blood all over my face and my hands. "Shit!" I yelped, before yanking my saw out and tossing it against the wall where it shattered.
There was blood all over me, but that didn't matter, what mattered was the patient! With renewed vigor, I grabbed a scalpel. I imagined myself as a little kid with mom's tomato soup smeared on my chin which was exceedingly macabre for the situation. I giggled and the scalpel before making two incisions in the large intestine, separating it into two pieces. "All right, let's get this out of the way." I exclaimed, tossing my scalpel back onto the table, and pulling the intestine out.
I flung his intestine onto the defibrillator machine, which made a wet splatting noise before sliding to the floor. Now that that's out of the way, it was time to get rid of the small ones. The best tool for this job was the little knife with the kidney shaped handle. But as I moved to grab it, I went off balance, causing myself to fall.
Now, with only one side of me "functioning", it was pretty hard to catch myself, but I did, and with only a minor head injury. "GAH, FUCK!" I screamed before clawing myself up the side of the table with my one good arm. Finally, I was standing above the patient once again, panting and cursing. Now, I was in a dreadful amount of pain, so it took me a second of standing over the little white unicorn and bleeding into his gut before I was able to bite back the pain and continue with the operation; a noble deed if I do say so myself.
With kidney knife in shaking, unsteady hand, I was able to slice the part connecting the intestine on top, and the intestine below, and the part connecting the top intestine to the stomach. I pulled both out and threw one away then swung the other over my head like a lasso before letting it sail against the wall. There was so much blood.
And there they were, like two swelled purple testicles, the kidneys. "There you are ya little bastards." But some things were in the way. Yes, my arc-nemesi, stomach, ribs, and liver; we meet again.
The only logical solution was the hammer. I grabbed it, and rammed it between the stomach and the ribs, before wrenching it upward. His ribs exploaded outward, causing the hammer to sail behind me, and causing me to swing my arm and knock a variety of tools onto the floor. "Oh God!" I shouted, wiping the blood from my eyes.
After I was able to see again, I ripped his liver from his body. "I hope he doesn't drink much." I glanced at my homemade blood measuring machine. 2681ml's of blood? Not too shabby for my first operation on a unicorn.
I looked around the table for something to cut the stomach away with. There was nothing. My scalpels, drill, scissors, hell, even my pens were all knocked from the table. "I got this." With those words spoken, I grabbed the laser.
The laser was still experimental, as in, I had never used it before. As soon as I grabbed it, my finger graced the on button, bringing the small, handheld death ray to life. Then my finger locked up. But I wasn't going to let some tiny fucking laser stop me, hell no! So I quickly ran it over the patient and used the laser's pinpoint accuracy to burn everything around the area I was trying to cut. "Fucking lasers!" Finally, it sliced the area connecting the stomach to the gullet.
As this happened though, another damn arm twitch caused my arm to jerk, and the laser to burn straight into my chest. "AGH!" I screamed, causing my hand to jerk and send the laser sailing. Call it lucky, call it bullshit, but it was attached to a cord, a cord that now swung back and forth over the patient, tracing burn lines inside his gut and on his chest. It slowly swung over his face, leaving a long burn mark from his chin, up his muzzle, and over his eye, then finally to his horn, which was severed.
I finally looked up from my burn to see the laser spinning over his testicular region, where I promptly batted it away and punched the off button the the machine. I grabbed the blood stopping medicine syringe, and stabbed Blueblood in the face before injecting over half of it into him, stopping his blood flow instantly at 801ml's.
Alright, I had to be precise, and I had to be efficient. I grabbed the laser, and turned it on. Then my finger locked up. "Are you fucking..." I pushed it out of my head, I had to save this patient! I swiftly swung the laser to his kidney/swollen testicle, and severed it from that little yellow thing. I quickly moved the laser away from him to avoid further damage, and swung it around, searing off some of his golden mane, and severed the other kidney. Then I let go of the laser, which prompted it to go apeshit. After a few more burns on the patients chest region, I was able to shut it off.
He was loosing blood fast. In my scramble to reach the syringe, I felt the needle pierce my skin. Then I remembered what I'd learned - through trial and error. The green medicine causes extreme hallucinations. "Ohhh, fuck." Everything was green. I was green, he was green, his blood was green, what was left of my random objects on the table, were also green.
According to my calculations, the antidote was about halfway to Venus at that point, so I didn't have much option besides: go.
As I opened up the transplant box, and took out one of the kidneys. I slapped it in, and grabbed the second, when there was a terrible roar all around me, and the room was filled with what looked like giant bats. I swung the kidney at them, screaming, "What are these goddamn animals?" Eventually, I hit one of the little fuckers, sending the second kidney into the air. It was like slow motion. There I was watching this tiny kidney fly through the air among these giant bats, but it wasn't just a kidney, it was my medical career. I dove to the side, and extended my left arm as far as I could. I sailed through the air like Free fucking Willy, knocking giant bats aside with loud screeches, reaching my hand out to catch a flying kidney/medical career. I landed hard, and the kidney fell into my grasp.
"Yes!" I shouted with joy, flinging my hand into the air, when one of those damn bats took it! It grabbed the kidney from my hand, and flew itself into the wall where the kidney and the bat both exploded. But I was not to be deterred. This wouldn't be the first time something had thrown away the transplant organ like a wet paper towel, I would make do. I looked around. What did the kidneys do again? They held all the nasty shit right? Well, I think a glass beaker could do that job just as well.
And so, I grabbed a small glass beaker, and gently inserted it into the kidney shaped slot in his empty gut. And all the while, Blueblood slept soundly. After all that, 7ml's of blood left. "I'm sure he'll live."
Author's Note
I did this for the shits, and for the giggles too. This is not to be taken seriously at all.
