Author's Note

In recent celebration of the overall story of these adventures being accepted by this website, we've made an extra long, extra thick, extra juicy ~~wiener~~ ... erm... story for your taste buds to relish in. Or you throw up immediately, which ever one.

Also, the joke with Trixie liking us is not because we're making ourselves out to be good looking. We're ugly as shit irl. The joke was that she has a fetish for humans .

Episode 4: Special: Trixie's Mansion Murder Mystery

Character Sheet:
Trixie
Twilight
Jimmy
Jacob
Snips
Rainbow Dash
Snails
Rarity
Pinkie Pie
Sweetie Belle

Our story begins in the library, with Twilight screaming at Spike to stack the books into place, while Jacob reclines naked on the couch as he normally does. Spike starting gagging aggressively, hacking and wheezing, trying to dislodge something from his body. “I swear if you cough up a furball on my wood floor I’m going to gut you like a fucking fish.” Twilight said warningly. Spike then vomited a gargantuan size of hair out, along with a scrap of paper. “YOU MOTHER FUCKER, I’M GETTING THE KNIFE,” steamed Twilight as she marched off to the Kitchen.

“Wait a sec,” Jacob said interested, “There’s a scrap of paper in it, what’s it say Spike?”

“I don’t know, I don’t have THUMBS TO GRAB IT!” Spike screamed in anger.

“Alright you fucking cock guzzler, calm your feline tits.” Jacob said in an annoyance. Jacob reached in the hair ball and pulled out the piece of paper, cleaned it off and began reading.

Dear Twilight,

Trixie would love for you to come and visit her in her new sprawling mansion tonight. Trixie is hosting a housewarming party for her many friends, and would simply love for you to attend. And please, if you could bring those sexy humans with you, it’d be simply marvelous.

P.S. Bring weed, preferably Slender’s kush, as his is the only kind worthy enough for Trixie to smoke.

Sincerely,

The Great and oh so Powerful Trixie

“Hey Twilight, “ Jacob shouted, “Get out of the kitchen like the woman you are and get in here, some bitch named Trixie sent you some Spam mail.”

“Ughh… What does that talentless magician whore want now?” moped Twilight. Just that time Rarity, Sweetie Belle, Pinkie, and Jimmy showed up.

“Did you get a letter too, Twilight?” asked Rarity.

“All I got was a request for booze and a big ass cake, but fuck her I’m still coming!” Pinkie said happily.

“Hi master! Why are you naked?” Sweetie asked curiously.

“Because my little one, it’s hotter than shit in here and I don’t want to sweat on my uniform, and besides, you’re always naked too” replied Jacob.

“But Master, I don’t have to, I’m a pony” giggled Sweetie Belle.

“For GODS sake young man go put some clothes on,” Rarity said in horror, “There are CHILDREN present.”

“Whatever, it’s not that hot anymore anyway…” Jacob said, as he went to find his uniform.

Twilight groaned as she finished reading the letter, “Why does it have to be that perv Slendy, he got my number somehow and he won’t stop trying to sext me.”

Jimmy looked down at his feet and muttered “wonder how that happened… I can go get the weed no problem, but where does she even live?”

All of a sudden Rainbow Dash came running into the Library, chanting, “GOTTA PEE, GOTTA PEE, GOTTA PEE.” she then ran upstairs and slammed the bathroom door.

"... Well wasn’t that a stroke of luck!” said Twilight gleefully, “When she gets done pissing, she’ll fly you over to Slendy. There’s no way in hell I’m talking to that pot head.”

Jimmy took out his wallet and took out 20 bits and muttered “Just in case” and sat on the couch and waited for Rainbow to get done pissing.

“Anyway, I guess we’re off to Trixie's house,” Twilight said dully, “Hey you dirty nazi, get in here cause the party train is leaving!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming you fat purple bitch!” Jacob shouted. Twilight and Jacob left, followed by Pinkie, Rarity, and Sweetie Belle. After Rainbow finished with relieving herself, she came back downstairs to see that everyone but Jimmy had left.

“Um.. where’d everyone go?” She asked.

“They left me here so I could rape you once you get done pissing,” Jimmy said in an evil tone.

Rainbow then began to clam up, “I th-thought my first time was going to be with Soarin of the Wonderbolts, not with a dirty human like you!” she stuttered in fear.

“Just fucking with you,” he said with a regretful tone of voice, “We’re going to meet Slendy and you’re flying me there.”

“Alright, but I’m not going in the forest with you, his tentacles creep me out” she replied with a shiver. With that he mounted her like the ~~whore~~ horse she was and they flew off into the distance. After arriving to the outskirts of the forest, with the sun slowly disappearing over the horizon, Jimmy dismounted and headed into the forest alone to collect the pages. After collecting the 4th page slenderman appeared, but something was off, he didn’t respond to Jimmy, only watching from afar. He continued to search for the pages, collecting one after another but nothing changed.

“Hey… um slendy… you okay buddy?” he yelled, after he collected the 7th page, slendy became aggressive, actively chasing him, “SLENDY WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME” yelled Jimmy, while running as fast as he could.

“GIVE ME 20 BITS” yelled Slendy, as he tackled him to the ground, and roared as loud as he could directly into Jimmy’s face.

“FUCKIN FINE GIVE ME A SECOND YOU LITTLE SHIT!” yelled Jimmy as he wrenched the 20 bits out of his pocket and tossed it into Slendy’s face. “Now that you’re done with your fucking temper tantrum, we need weed ya lil shit.” Jimmy said sternly.

“Yea, I need nudes, TWILIGHT’S nudes. I think she blocked my number.” Slenderman replied with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

“Not my problem,” Jimmy replied shaking his head, “You said just give her your number, that’s it! Now gimme some weed you faceless fuckhead. You still owe me for the proxy.” Slenderman deeply exhaled, vanished, then reappeared again to toss some weed in Jimmy’s direction, and vanished once more to not return.

After cowering like the bitch she was, Rainbow appeared from hiding, “What’s up his butt?” she asked.

“He’s on his period I think. C’mon they’re probably waiting for us at the mansion.” Jimmy replied.

“Okay which direction,” she asked.

“Th-... Shit.” Jimmy said nervously. After flying for over an hour, they eventually find the group slumped over at Trixie’s mansion.

“There you guys are, she wouldn’t let us in until we got the pot, took you jackasses long enough.” Twilight said angrily.

“Sorry no one gave us fuckng directions, by the way, here’s your pot bitch.” Jimmy said, slinging the bag in her face. The group then knocked on the mansions door, and the door opened and Trixie’s head appeared.

“As Trixie has said before ‘No Pot. No Entry’” she then started to shut the door.

“Hey bitch we got your pot, now let us in already. This was your idea bringing us here in the first place.” Rarity said annoyed.

“Yes! Trixie loves Slendy kush! Now Trixie has rules of her house, rule one you must always refer to Trixie as ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie’ and not just Trixie.”

“Not doing that,” Twilight replied nonchalantly.

“Secondly, Trixie is the only one who smokes Slendy’s kush. And thirdly, no shitting on Trixie’s furniture.” Trixie exclaimed.

“You mean sitting?” Pinkie asked.

“Trixie knows what Trixie said. Trixie said no SHITTING or DEFECATING on Trixie's furniture.” Trixie declared.

“... Why would that need to be pointed ou-... never mind, let’s get this over with already.” Rarity sighed.

“Well now, you must be the friends of Twilight's.” Trixie said facing Jacob and Jimmy, “How’d a dumb bitch like her get two such handsome humans?” she said flirtatiously.

“She found me in a pyramid and I crash on her sofa naked now.” Jacob replied dully.

“I came to Equestria to start collecting the legendary weapons forged by the gods and hidden by man” Jimmy replied boldly.

“... Yea he collects silverware.” Twilight replied sheepishly.

“Well Trixie finds both of you very attractive, regardless, Trixie assumes that everyone has brought the items that Trixie has so graciously requested?” Trixie asked.

“Yea I got the booze and cake, but if I hauled this here I’m drinking half of it and eating until I start crying of how overweight I think I am.” Pinkie replied cheerfully.

“And I made you a dress for your bong… Honestly I can produce any kind of apparel and I’m stuck making clothing for bongs...” Rarity groaned.

Trixie looked to Sweetie Belle, “Trixie does not remember asking for a midget,” Trixie snapped.

“I’m here because master Jacob was going to come!” the small pony cheered.

“HE’S TRIXIE’S YOU LITTLE BITCH! TRIXIE WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!” Trixie shouted.

Jacob rushed in front of Sweetie Belle and yelled, “If you touch a hair on her fucking head I’ll fucking peel off your skin and wear it for Halloween you smelly selfish snobby whore!”

Trixie stopped in her tracks and nervously chuckled, “Trixie was just kidding, Trixie would never hurt the little pony, Trixie loves kids!” and added as an afterthought “Well, Trixie thinks that it’s time to have dinner, come in, the servants will carry your bags,” she then turned towards the mansion, "Snips, Snails, GET YOUR FAT ASSES OUT HERE AND CARRY IN THE LUGGAGE YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING SISSY FAGGOTS."

A faint “Yes Ms. Trixie!” was heard from inside the mansion and shortly after two pubescent colts, dressed in butler outfits came rushing out of the mansion to retrieve the gifts.

After an hour of Trixie touring them around the mansion, Rarity spoke up and said, “I must say Trixie as much as I hate you and wish you’d die of a bleeding asshole, this place is rather… luxuriant!”

Trixie giggled and replied, “Yes, well Trixie has her means of getting all this. After the whole Ursa Minor incident Trixie and the Ursa have been working together to scam people out of their money.”

Twilight, like the curious lil shit she is, asked, “What do you mean?”

“Oh it’s so devilishly smart only a true genius like Trixie could come up with such an act,” she exclaimed, “Trixie travels into Town in her show wagon, while the Ursa follows far behind. Trixie then puts on her fabulous show of wonders, later that same evening the Ursa attacks the Town. Trixie simply ‘subdues’ it, and chase it away from the Town with Trixie’s magic. The Townsfolk then pay Trixie a … how should I say, FUCKTON of bits, which Trixie then use a small portion of to buy weed for the Ursa for compensation of his commitment to the plan.” She then laughs almost wickedly, “It’s such a smart idea!”

Jacob then let a evil grin overcome him, “I think I like this woman, she’s more cunning than she looks. And her cape makes her look pretty good too, really flatters ‘dat ass.” Which at that point Sweetie Belle was already steaming with hatred towards this ‘Trixie’. After finishing the tour, the group moved into the diner to start dinner, where they were treated with red wine, (Kool Aid™ for Sweetie Belle) cake, hay chips, and Rhino Steak. They then started conversing in small groups.

“So, how did you meet Sweetie Belle?” Rarity asked. “She seems to know you quite well, and even tells me she got her… peculiar cutie mark thanks to you.”

“Ah yes,” Jacob began “I remember shooting at her and I severely wounded her leg with one of my bullets. After that I to-”

“YOU SHOT MY LITTLE SISTER?!” Rarity screamed in anger and surprise… but mostly anger.

“And it was the best thing that ever happened to me,” Sweetie Belle said cheerfully, snuggling closer to Jacob.

Trixie turned towards Jimmy and flirtatiously asked, “Trixie wonders, are there any women in your life?”

Jimmy, scared of where this was headed, quickly replied “I’m actually in a relationship with Pinkie!”

To which Pinkie looked him up and down and said “I’ve never tried a human before!” Jimmy, knowing he wasn’t going to win here, shrunk down in his seat feeling defeated.

“You know,” Rainbow began, “Slendy mentioned something about yo-”

“Don’t care” Twilight snapped at Dash.

Suddenly the lights went out, followed by a squeak from Jimmy, the sounds of a struggle, and a scream. The lights came back on, and everyone looked around dazed. Except of course for Trixie, who was trying to have her way with Jimmy, and Jimmy, who was fighting for his life.

“Let me in on this!” Shouted Pinkie as she jumped into the fray.

“OH GOD NO!” Screamed Jimmy, desperately trying to escape. This caught the attention of everyone, everyone but Jacob, who was too preoccupied with the new corpse in the room.

“This dinner just got a lot more interesting. Hey Trixie, where’d you get this piece of furniture? I like it!” Jacob said pointing at the limp dead pony on the ground. Trixie looked at where he was pointing and screamed

“OH GO- oh it’s just Snips” she looked at the dead pony, and screamed again “OH GOD TRIXIE’S CARPET! IT’S RUINED DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT COSTS?!” she then rushed over to try to save the carpet from blood stains.

“Snips! No!” Shouted Snails, who was probably the only one who even remotely cared about him.

Jimmy pushed Pinkie away and stated, “Well guys to be honest this dinner sucks and the only thing that could possibly make this trip worth it is to catch and kill the killer.”

“Can I be detective Pinkie?!” Pinkie excitedly shouted.

“No, I think no one liked that episode of Detective Pinkie in the series anyway,” Jimmy replied dully.

“... What?” Pinkie replied confused.

Jimmy pointed towards Jacob and said “You’ve got experience with killing people, could you find out what he was killed with?”

Jacob shrugged and walked over to the corpse, after examining the corpse, he stood up, “I believe it was with something very blunt, there’s no cuts, just a huge gash and a cracked skull. I prefer killing that way, that satisfying crunch of the bone, you can almost feel it through whatever you used to break it with.” Jacob explained.

“Well I’m ruled out as well as Pinkie and Trixie because I was GETTING FUCKING RAPED AND NONE OF YOU FUCKING HELPED ME” yelled Jimmy.

“So that leaves Rarity, Sweetie Belle, Rainbow Dash, Twilight. and myself” Jacob listed.

Jimmy scoffed and said, “I don’t think you’d kill someone in the dark, I think you’d do it with everyone watching, plus you have absolutely no reason to kill Snips, I don’t think you even knew the guy,”

“Which is EXACTLY why I’d kill him!” Jacob stated “Who are you to judge me! I’ll kill whoever I want when I want!... Except for Sweetie Belle.” Sweetie Belle then smiled brightly and moved by his side

With that Jimmy started pacing the room and yelled “Absolutely none of you have an actual motive to kill Snips, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t suspects!”

“Best we can do is find the murder weapon, I doubt it just disappeared.” Rarity replied.

“THAT’S JUST WHAT THE MURDERER WOULD SAY” screamed Jacob, aiming at Rarity with his MP40.

“... Actually no, it’s a pretty good idea that we look for it.” Jimmy said. With that the group set off to search for a murder weapon. After discovering that Trixie not only had a sex dungeon but also kept a fucking shrine to Tom Hanks, the group discovered a broken pipe on top of Trixie’s bed.

“A murder weapon, in your room Trixie? I’m putting you back on the suspects list!” Jacob said sternly.

“Just because It’s in Trixie’s bedroom does not mean Trixie did it, you all saw Trixie wooing Jimmy with her amazing body, Trixie did not do this! Why would Trixie kill Trixie’s own butler? He cleans Trixie’s rooms and polishes Trixie’s Tom Hanks sculpture, why would Trixie kill off Snips for that?” Trixie nervously explained.

Jimmy said “Well someone must’ve done it, who’d have motive to kill Snips? Rainbow? She’s too stupid to know how to wield a pipe let alone kill someone with it. Jacob? He’d fucking tell everyone that he did it. Twilight’s, well, Twilight. Pinkie’s harmless as a fly, plus she has not a single motive to do such a thing to Snips.”

“Madam Trixie do you want your pot brownies now or is it a bad time?” Snails asked entering the room. Just then, the lights went out again! And again there was a squeak, the sounds of a struggle, but no scream. The lights then flickered back on, revealing Trixie trying to make out with Jacob, with a simple shove she fell to the floor. However, Snails was wielding the very same pipe on the bed with his magic, trying to swing at Jimmy with it.

“She’s MINE! And I don’t like her loving up on you like she was EARLIER!” Snails screamed. Jimmy quickly disarmed him, and stabbed him in the chest with the Butter Knife of Humility!

“AHA!” Jacob shouted, “It was the BUTLER with the LEAD PIPE in the DINING ROOM! I FUCKING KNEW IT ALL ALONG!... Okay I didn’t but HOLY FUCK!”

Snails then gasped desperately for air, he looked to Trixie, and said, “I did this… all for… you.”

Trixie, looking sad, replied, “... Eww.” (... I mistook sadness for disgust). And with that, Snails was dead. The group then gave them a proper burial… well they threw them in the backyard of Trixie's mansion then left.. They then wandered back to Ponyville and returned home. Trixie pretty much just left the mansion and moved in with Jimmy, not telling him she did of course (That was a fun morning). Jacob decided that the mansion was his true home and soon returned to live and work beside the Tom Hanks Shrine. Twilight, completely happy that Jacob isn’t in her library, soon burnt the couch that Jacob lounged naked on. And they lived happily ever after…. Until our NEXT story!