ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS

STORY—EVEN THOSE ENTIRELY BASED ON

REAL OC’S—ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL.

ALL CELEBRITY OC’S ARE IMPERSONATED.....POORLY.

THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM CONTAINS SNUFF FETISH

AND DUE TO IT’S CONTENT, IT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.

Fp / TD / M / M / F - NC ***

It had been a hell of a day. I gave up on having a ‘normal’ day when a bored goddess was toying with the laws of the universe, and ripped me through a portal into Equestria. I’d settle for a busy day, an excited, bored, exhausting, unusual, or hectic day. Instead, I get a hell of a day.

Every day.

I lay down in bed and pass out under the cover. Between being pulled to Equestria twice, raising a foal Rarity, exploring all of Equestria by foot, and being trapped in stone, I’ve racked up a lot of I.O.U.’s from the Royal Princesses. That’s why my bed is made of 100% down pegasus feathers. And I’m twice as tall as any pony but Celestia, so they had to pluck a lot of fillies to make this bed—don’t glare at me like that. They have the softest feathers, and did I mention she ruined my life, twice?

I decide to get up and get a glass of water. Lately I’ve been talking to myself to help cope with the fact I’m trapped in the saccharine world of magical ponies. It would be so bad if—well let’s be honest, as long as I’m thinking out loud, it couldn’t get any worse. Cheerilee and her fillies are the only thing keeping me sane. I haven’t been laid in months—or is it years? I really need to get laid and I’m not nearly desperate enough to sleep with a pony.

I hear someone—yes, not somepony—in the kitchen. I head downstairs, expecting to find Twilight in her safari outfit, spying on me to determine my dish washing habits, or maybe human dental hygiene.

Instead, I find the last thing I expected to see. Celestia is standing in the kitchen wearing a broad smile. “Good news everypony! I found a way to send TD back to Earth!”

I give her a deadpan stare. “What do you mean everyone?”

“Surprise!” Pinkie shouts, jumping out from behind the stove—yes the stove, someone needs to have her tested for amphetamines.

Soon everypony is there, wishing me farewell, stuffing parting gifts into saddlebags and handing them to me. I even get handed my walking stick. Along the side are engraved my many triumphs. From punching Celestia in the face, to punching her again, to shooting her in the face, to a rather interesting encounter with Cloud Kicker.

Without leaving me much room to argue—not that I would—I’m zapped and sent home. I wake up in my bed in disbelief. There are no FBI here to whisk me back to a hidden base, nor Draconqeuus to twist me into an evil overlord.

Several weeks go by and everything is perfect. I’m able to contact old friends and family, find a new job, and I’m having luck with the ladies. I decide to celebrate, and afterwards I stumble to a taxi and ride home.

I walk into my bedroom and am surprised to see Rarity sitting on the bed. “N-no!” I stutter, before walking back out towards the cab. I get to the front door in time to see it drive away.

“Dammit C-eshthia!” I moan before taking a deep breath as I feel your buzz die. It was going to be a relaxing night with just the right amount of alcohol to forget about Equestria for a night.

“Hello, Darling, do you know why I’m here?” Rarity asked.

I shook my head and wished I had some pony-repellant. “Let me guess: Celestia lost a game of truth or dare with Luna, and was dared to open a portal and shove random ponies through to Earth. Now, alone with you as my guide, we must travel the country and round up the filly versions of the mane six before Discord escapes again, and destroys Equestria. Along the way, you’ll ruin my life, before I get shot at and yanked back to Equestria to grow old and die alone.”

“Wow, Luna was right to send me here. You really could use some release.” Rarity walks forward and turns sideways, showing you the curve of her flank. She is wearing fishnet stalkings—cliche, but almost enough to give you a wiggle—and has what appears to be body glitter all over her coat hairs.

“Listen, Rarity, you’re like a daughter to me okay? Even if you weren’t a pony, I’m not sure I could uh . . . do that,” I explained.

“You—” Rarity appeared ready to pout, before something else in her took hold. Her gaze became determined as she locked eyes with me. “You think I’m ugly?”

“No! I didn’t say that!” I backed up through the kitchen as she advanced on me. A large knife was levitated out of a nearby drawer. “Wait! Let’s be reasonable, I think you’re very attractive! I just, don’t want to uh—ruin our friendship!”

Rarity stopped as if to consider the logic behind his statement. “Oh, well you don’t need to worry, TD. I was sent here to make you feel better, because Luna and Celestia are quite sorry. In fact, I asked to come because I’ve—I always liked you TD. There’s something primal about you. You were born to hunt, to kill. To take the life of a creature, and eat it. It—” Rarity stops when she realizes she’s drooling with a very unladylike tongue hanging out of her mouth. “It turns me on.”

I backed up into my room, having come full circle. “Wow, that’s just so—” incredibly fucked up “interesting. You get turned on because I eat meat?”

“Yes, TD. I want you to take me, violently, ravish me, and—I want you to fuck me,” Rarity said.

My jaw nearly hit the floor. As if it wasn’t enough to nearly ruin my life they’d sent Rarity to play some big prank. Either that, or she was in serious need of a psychiatrist. Before I could object, she jumped on me, pinning me to the bed. I opened my mouth to protest and she kissed me fiercely.

She lifted her head up. “Come now, TD, you’re supposed to be hunting me.”

“I uh—” My sentence was interrupted by a loud crashing sound as glass shattered in the living room. “What the hell?”

Rarity jumped off me and headed out to investigate the sound with me. There in the livingroom was a man clad in dark clothing. He was followed shortly by another guy, and a female.

“Shit! Rarity, run!” I yelled.

“Haha,” Rarity said. “TD, there’s only three of them.”

“What the fuck?” The first man took his ski mask off. “Hey, Annie, it’s a talking fuckin’ pony!”

“Language!” Rarity shouted. “Really, must you be so uncivil?”

“Dammit Kicker, we’re supposed to use nicknames not our real names,” Annie complained.

“Yeah, man, not cool!” the third man said.

“That’s easy for you to say. Dug isn’t as stupid a nickname as Kicker. I mean, seriously? What, do I like to kick stuff? Now let’s kill the dude and steal the bitch. I bet she’d be worth a fortune,” Kicker said.

About this time I’d decided to find my staff and beat them to death with it. That was when Kicker pulled out a handgun. I made a tactical retreat to the bedroom, and heard a loud and sickening, wet crunch. It was followed by a loud scream behind me.

Rarity had levitated a fireplace poker through Kicker’s skull, causing him to fall to the ground dead.

“Now, I did ask you to be civil, darling,” Rarity spat. She grinned as she ripped the poker out, showering herself in the blood. She moaned in ecstasy. “I’ve always wanted to kill a human.”

“Rarity, what the fuck!” I shouted. In all my time in Equestria, she’d never been the least bit mean. Defensive at times, perhaps, but that’s it. Never had she struck a pony, and yet she had just skewered a grown man.

Rarity batted Annie’s gun out of her hand, before throwing the poker at Dug. “Manners, TD, I do believe I have some unfinished business.”

Dug dodge the blow, and unfortunately, never saw the meat clever coming. It sliced deeply into his left shoulder, and bright red blood began to spew out the severed artery. Rarity grabbed the nearest heavy object she could find, a phone book, and bludgeoned Annie in the head. Once Annie was on the ground, Rarity hit her over and over until she stopped trying to get up.

She walked over to Dug, enjoying the feel of his blood between her hoof. I could only stand there and watch in disbelief. Rarity was stepping on the meat clever, enjoying his squeals of agony. She ripped the clever out and jammed a needle of some kind in his neck.

“Now is the best part,” Rarity explained.

“P-please! Y-you don’t h-have to do t-this! I’m s-sorry!” Dug whined.

“Didn’t you read the list!?”

“Dude, Rarity, what the hell? You realize the police are going to think I did this?” I asked.

“Darling, don’t worry! I’ve been doing this for years. Ninety-seven times to be precise.” Rarity chopped Dug’s right hand off at the wrist, eliciting a loud scream. I was amazed a neighbor hadn’t called the cops by now. “After we’re done we can still sleep together.”

I had an interesting dilemma. Tell the psychopath I don’t like to sleep with ponies, and die, or sleep with a pony. I gave it some thought. “I don’t like sleeping with ponies, only humans.”

Rarity growled in frustration as Dug tried to push himself away. “Y-you m-monste—”

Rarity silenced him with a blow to the throat. The clever bit into his spine, not able to decapitate him completely. “Fine! I’ll just let you have sex with Annie here, while I watch. But you owe me one!”

Rarity levitated Annie over to the bed, producing ropes and other items from her saddlebags, which lay next to the bed. After she’d tied Annie down, she injected her with something in the neck and she began to wake up. Rarity quickly pulled a bit out of her saddlebag and gagged Annie.

“Now, Annie, can you hear me?” Rarity asked.

“Mmph,” she replied in a stupor.

“Good, TD here needs some release. He’s been away from women for oh so long, that I have no choice but to generously offer him your moist little pussy,” Rarity explained.

Despite my growing discomfort, I felt a twinge of arousal. “No, Rarity, we don’t have to do this. You can let her go.”

Rarity glared at me, levitating two knives in the air and using them to point to me. “Don’t! Say! THAT!”

I gulped and smiled nervously as she cut Annie’s clothes off with the knives. “Either you screw her, or I will, and she won’t like my method.”

Rarity slid her knife against her moist womanhood, slowly pushing the backside of the blade into her. Annie struggled and moaned as she became more aware of her situation.

“Come on, this is crazy! Celestia has just sent me back, it’s only been a couple fucking weeks! And here you come and fuck it all up again! What the hell happened to you after I found you as a filly in my dorm room?!” I screamed. This couldn’t be happening again. Please, not again.

Rarity sighed, flipping the blade and tracing a shallow ‘X’ into Annie’s stomach. She was squealing and crying in terror. “TD, you just don’t get it, do you? I only punish naughty ponies—or humans—who deserve it. She wanted to kill you, to kidnap me. She needs to die. Annie is a stain on society.”

To punctuate her point, Rarity cut more deeply, exposing the muscle of her abdomen but not penetrating in so that the intestines did not spill out. She then began sliding the knife in and out of her vagina, eliciting more screams of pain.

“Rarity, stop it now!” I yelled. This was getting out of hand. I was sure at any moment Celestia or Twilight or the freaking queen of changelings would appear and put an end to this. Wait, changelings? That’s it! She’s an imposter!

I grabbed my staff and snuck up behind Rarity as she focused on carving Annie up from the inside out. I brought the staff down hard, bashing Rarity’s skull and succeeding only in pissing her off.

Something hit me in the side of the head and I collapsed, looking up at a very angry Rarity.

“That wasn’t very polite, TD! You’re lucky I like you.” She lifted both knives in the air with her magic, and plunged them straight down, piercing Annie’s breasts and sliding between her ribs. Annie managed a short gasp before her eyes rolled into the back of her head.

“Rarity,” I began. “I don’t understand.”

“She’s just doing what she’s best at, what she trained me to do so very well,” a new voice added.

Rarity seemed to defuse, shaking her head and sitting down in the corner to watch.

Out from behind the living room door walked a furry white human female. She had long purple hair and a purple tail. She looked like a pony-human hybrid. I couldn’t hide my arousal, shameful as I might find it. Still, she was a pony.

“I’m Blossom. I had to—take care of a little business. Your noisy neighbor Ted says hi. He also said goodbye. Forever.”

“What the—look you two, this has gone on long enough. What is going on?” I asked.

“I’m here to satisfy you, to make you happy in oh so many ways. We’re here to stay, you know, because we’re hiding from the princesses. Together, we’ll murder our way across the country as true lovers.”

Blossom cast a spell, changing her image to that of a beautiful naked woman. “I can be anyone you want me to be.”

“No! I don’t want either of you to be anything! I just want my life back, I’m not a brony!” I cried out loudly.

I closed my eyes—in a very manly way—and wished with all my might they’d be gone when I opened them.

Instead, I opened them and found Luna standing in front of me. “Celestia kill me now,” I muttered.

“Are you not pleased, TD?” Luna asked.

“No, I want you all outta here. Whatever this,” I gestured around “is, I quit. Finished. Finito.”

Luna sighed. “We only wished to make you happy, to give you a reprieve from the harsh reality—”

My eyelid twitched. “What reality?” I asked.

The world dissolved around me, and I found myself back on my 100% pegasus filly down bed in Equestria.

“TD, you never left Equestria. We walked your dreams and knew how badly you wanted to go home, but it’s simply not possible. It seemed like a good idea to let you live out a fantasy, to be with the ponies just like you always fantasize when nopony is watching,” Luna explained.

I’d had enough of these motherfucking ponies in my motherfucking house.

With all of the ‘silent integrity and dexterity’ that I can summon, I step up to Luna, and uppercut her in the jaw.

Author's Note

-- Done with Bronywriter's permission. Also 100% FPS canon. Rarity is best serial killer sex pony. TD is trapped in Equestria with ponies that own humans as sex-pets.

Wait, that means everypony knows who TD is and knows humans are real. Dammit! Someone get me a continuity check on aisle 5!