The Ponyville Heat Incident: As Documented by Vexing Puzzlez
Ponyville Heat IncidentDocumented and Written By: Head Royal Archivist-Vexing Puzzlez
July 12, 2167.
First entry of the many logs to follow the Ponyville Heat Incident. I had arrived in the late afternoon, dressed in the attire one wears as the Head Royal Archivist. That is, the burgundy jacket and red glasses. The sun was uncharacteristically bright, only adding to the wear and tear of todays entry. At first, Ponyville seemed perfectly normal. But; as I finally made my way to a nearby cafe, I could tell that things were going to take a turn for the worse.
As I placed my order for a simple lemonade, I couldn't help but notice the many lust filled glances of mares directed at me. I payed no attention to such frivolous activity, for it was the norm of any mare to do such things when heat season rolled around. Completely normal, even though their glances became full on stares the longer I stayed. Needless to say, I felt as if my very innocence was going to be lost at their stares, let alone their actions. Nevertheless, I remained steadfast in my decision to stay and partake of my favorite beverage, even though I felt like a rabbit in a timberwolf’s den.
What made me cautious, however, was when my waiter returned. I’m sorry...waitress. My first attendant was male, so I was a little worried when the blue unicorn with deeper blue mane came out. Now I know what you must be thinking; “Vexing, in what way is that weird? Maybe the stallion had business to take care of somewhere else? Maybe he wasn’t feeling well and decided to take off before he got somepony else sick?” That’s a load ofhorseapples!!! (Remember to put malarky instead). For one, the mare came out dressed in my previous waiter’s suit, which meant that this was no accident. Two; the mare continued to try and deceive me by talking in her overly-strained masculine voice.
“Would you like anything else, sir?” She asked gruffly, in a voice that was clearly not her own. I simply took out my notepad and continued writing the report. Honestly, I think I know the difference between mare and stallion, seeing as how I’m 32! These obvious facts, however, did not stop her in her endeavors. So, seeing as how research can only be done by experimentation, I decided to play along.
“Yes. Would you be so kind as to bring me another lemonade? I’m afraid this one’s running...” I drawled out as I put my notepad away and bent down to my empty cup, lapping at the white straw suggestively. She swallowed...hard, as her blush intensified to the point where it covered her entire face. Feeling as if the subject was becoming stimulated, I stopped my experiment, “Out.” I finished with a big smile in her direction. She nodded her head fast enough to cause concern before bolting off into the restaurant.
Taking out my pen and notepad again; I proceeded to write down my findings, “Subject appears to be showing signs of Advanced Stimulation...Also appears to go to any length in order to see her stimulation removed. Caution advised when dealing with mares...maximum.” With my notes done, I put the notepad back into my jacket pocket and pencil behind my ear. Just in time too, for my waitress just so happened to come back.
As she neared, I could tell that she was breathing heavily. She obviously took my gesture earlier as a sign of interest, which isn’t her fault. I am concerned, however, about my well-being. Her face was completely frantic with lust, and I could see her...salivating!? By Celestia’s Cake, this is serious!
“I-I-I brought your l-l-lemonade, sir.” The heat was so bad that even though she was using her magic to place my glass in front of me, it shook rapidly in her telekinetic grip. The hypothesis in Canterlot was just proven by this very action. Ponyville is this year's worst town for heat! Some of the lemonade spilled out over the top of the cylindrical glass. She magicked some napkins in her pocket out; getting ready to clean it before I had another hypothesis.
“If Ponyville is in heat the HARDEST, then what are stallions doing around here? Furthermore, I want to test the resistance of mares in heat, seeing if they can be driven into a state of pure lust. It’s dangerous, but I have a job to do as the Royal Archivist!” Turning my heart to steel, I held up a oak-brown hoof to stop her just as the green napkins touched the spilt lemonade. She eyed me curiously as I invaded her magic field with my own, purple aura replacing her frantic dark-blue. Moving the napkins to the side, I kept constant eye contact as I balled the soaked spot into a tiny ball, meant to resemble a...well, you can guess. I began lapping around the ball of linen, keeping constant eye contact as she began to grit her teeth and rub her back legs together.
A whine escaped her gritted teeth as I neared the ball itself, taking easy and slow licks at the lemonade-flavored cloth. Agonizingly slow licks, that is. When the ball was reached, I flicked it with the tip of my tongue, causing her legs to buckle slightly. I could also see the other mares outside, watching the spectacle with blushes on their face and reluctant eyes. Seeing as how I tortured her long enough, I quickly took the ball into my mouth and gave a slow, deep moan.
I was on the ground before I realized what was going on...
“OH SWEET CELESTIA TAKE ME NOW!!!” She yelled as her face puckered up for a big sloppy kiss. I had gotten the information I needed, so I really saw no reason to stay here any longer and be raped. I quickly thought of the Ponyville Train Station and felt my magic encompass my body and whisk me away, right before the sloppy kiss made contact.
Teleportation can be likened to freefalling, but with more control. It feels as if warm washcloths are placed all over your body and move with you through space and, on rare occasions...time.
As I winked back into existence, I immediately took a scroll out of my jacket pocket. I unfurled it as my pencil floated from my ear in order to meet its flawless face with its point. Taking no more time, I began to write my current findings out on the scroll.
Log 1,
The mares of Ponyville have confirmed my earlier hypothesis of them having the strongest heat. They will react lustfully to any sign of interest, no matter how small or trivial. Also, I have taken the liberty of conducting my first experiment today. The mare in question had shown little to no stimulation resistance whatsoever, especially when tempted. I am issuing the Male Extraction Plan immediately, and I expect Ponyville to be without stallions by sunset.
Also, I require bits in order to procure a place of slumber. Please act out this order and send the bits required for a commoner inn at once.
Head Royal Archivist,
Vexing Puzzlez
With my letter completed, I sent the first of many logs away in order to be processed by the lesser archivists. I expected a response to come within the hour, seein as how people such as I prioritize our work over everything else. Seeing nothing better to do, I placed my pencil behind my right ear and made sure some of my black mane held it in place. I then began trotting the dirt road leading from the Train Station, hoping to find an inn with little effort. Now that I think of it, an inn would be most convenient near the Train Station. Realizing this, it didn’t take me long to locate the little thing. It looked...quaint, for an Inn. And by quaint, I mean awful! Holes were in some of the windows and some doors were missing as I walked up to the office building.
Stepping inside, I was instantly smacked with the smell of cheap cigarettes and cigars. An orange mare with a green mane styled in sock bun, regarded me from behind the blue counter with a newspaper in front of her. I coughed once or twice for the lingering smoke, noticing her taking a drag from a cigarette in her mouth every now and then. As I ventured forth, I began noticing some things that made my skin crawl. I belonged to the Upper Level of Canterlot all my life, meaning that seeing an actual mouseholein her desk made me a bit uncomfortable.
She finished her cigarette, watching me as I approached her counter. Then, she went back to reading her paper as if I never even existed. Doing a double-take, I decided to ring the silver service bell on her desk, knowing that two can play this game!
Ding!
The wench had the nerve to glance at me, then continue reading her paper. I oughta slap the extensions right out of her buc- Easy; Vex, easy! You’re a patient fellow, no need to be so angry at commoner gutter trash like-Stop. You are a gentlestallion, which means you have to be gentle. Deep breaths...in...and out. All~Righty Then! Let’s kill her with kindness, shall we?
“Good day to you, Madame. I’m from Canterlot Castle and I-” Her eyes widened and her pupils shrank as she spit out the butt of her cigarette gave me her full attention. She put on her best smile as a blush appeared on her face. That’s when I noticed her dimples and a beauty mark, only adding to her look of maturity.
“Good day to you too, darlin’! What can I do ya’ for!?” I could see her eyes quiver in the tell-tale sign of heat taking over. It must’ve triggered when I announced where I was from without great detail. Poor mare probably thinks I’m related to the Princesses in some way. My family; the Puzzlez, have had a long lineage of perfect servitude to her highness, Princess Celestia. Why my great-great-great-great-great grandfather was their babysitter when they were foals. I’ve seen the records, that’s cold hard facts!
“Ah..yes. Um, I’m looking for a room to spend the rest of my day in. As I’ve said, I’m doing important research for the Royal Archives and Ponyville happens to be the fulcrum of my studies. Is there a roo-” I didn’t finish as a gold key was placed in front of me in a blur of moving orange, which I can only assume was her hoof. In any case, I eyed her quizzically, seeing as how I’ve no idea what room the key belongs to. Remarkably, this is solid gold.
She gave me bedroom eyes in response to my quizzical glare, making me reluctant in asking, “What room does this key unlock?” A smile that showed no teeth, but stretched along her face widely, unsettled me greatly.
“That would be my room, darlin’. I’m busy during the day, so if you ever need any help, I could always be of service.” She replied lustfully, making me swallow a lump in my throat.
“Pineapples-Pineapples-Pineapples!!!” I chanted as I put on a mock smile of appreciation. Another key, this one made from silver with the number 234 etched on the side, appeared before my eyes. I took it with my magic and left without another word. As I stepped outside, I could've sworn she growled at me lustfully! I shivered with my eyes closed, adjusting the glasses on my face with my magic as I opened them back up. Turning around, I came face to face with a map of the inn on the front door, quickly locating my room on the second floor. What struck me as odd is that she didn’t ask for payment. Maybe...just maybe...she’s expecting it tonight!!! I gagged as I noticed a mailbox with the name, Ms. Mandarin, on the front of it.
Looking in through the front door’s blinds, I could see her enjoying a cup of coffee while...digging in her nose!? Kill me...KILL ME NOW DEAR CELESTIA!!! I shuddered as I knew that an obligation would have to be fulfilled later in the day, even if it wasn’t intentional that she excluded my pay for the room. I have a reputation to uphold.
Wasting no more time, I quickly made my way up the steel steps as they groaned in protest. My stomach lurched as I stepped in what appeared to be week old egg, the yolk sticking to my hoof in the most slimiest of ways! Gagging, I began wiping my left front-hoof on the edge of the next step up, wanting nothing more than to take a shower after the last of it left my hoof. Reaching the top, I took a moment to turn around and look at Ponyville in all its splendor!
As if.
I can’t wait to rid myself of this horrible place and be back in Canterlot, where I can enjoy a good cup of vanilla chai tea whenever I want. Not only that, but I miss things like air conditioning, and morals. This place, so far, has failed to provide either. I’m already expecting the worse in terms of my boarding. This room will probably be the epitome of grotesque, like everything else around this dump. As I neared the room on the key, I noticed how the walls became dirtier, so I promptly distanced myself from them. Finally, the red door with fake gold numbers loomed in front of me. Just before I entered, however, a scroll bearing the Royal Insignia stopped me. I was surprised to open it and find it written in Princess Celestia’s hoofwriting!!!
To my loved Archivist Vexing Puzzlez,
I extend gratitude for your findings thus far! I hope that the enclosed sum of five-hundred bits will be enough to last you until the end of the week. I am lengthening your stay because I’m worried about six mares in particular. You may know them as the Elements of Harmony. On the last day of Estrus Maximus, I will return the stallions of Ponyville to their homes. I’ve taken the liberty of dispatching a small company of guards to help keep order, should any situations arise.
On another matter, I will be coming by personally in order to check on the state of my ponies. Your job is to ensure order until I arrive and after I leave, keeping it upheld until I return the stallions. You have my condolences for sson being the only stallion in Ponyville. Stay strong and stay safe, my little archivist!
With Love,
Princess Celestia
After picking my jaw off the floor, I noticed that I had the letter in my purple aura and was currently standing in the room. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I promptly rolled back the covers on the bed, checking for any form of wildlife or pest. Thankfully, nothing came out. I was too tired from today’s events to bathe; even so, I wanted to check out the bathroom in order to see if it was up to standard. Well...my, standard.
Opening the brown door, I immediately noped the buck out of there! Slamming the door close, I took of my jacket and hung it neatly on the rusting coat rack in the corner, my scarlet tie following it. After that, I my glasses on the bedside tables and plopped onto the mattress. Just as I was about to fall asleep, a popping sound, not unkind to a bursting bubble, filled my ears. I was then hit with what felt like a brick, moaning in annoyance in pain as I set the bit bag with Princess Celestia’s cutie mark next to my glasses.
Remembering my obligation, I then put an Alarm Clock Spell over myself to wake me up at about eight o’clock.
“For my Country, Father...For Equestria!” I mocked sobbed in despair as I finally fell asleep, praying that my spell would malfunction somehow.
The Ponyville Heat Incident: As Documented by Vexing Puzzlez
July 12, 2167. 11:47 p.m.
I roused myself from slumber, throwing a moan from my mouth in disappointment. I had over slept through the Alarm Clock Spell, which had made me late to my...obligated appointment. I guess being in this backwater hicktown made me lose all sense of time. What can you do? I yanked myself from under the surprisingly clean bedspread, resting my hooves upon the ground as I stuffed the bitbag in my hair and put on my glasses. I gave myself the onceover and determined everything was okay. Knowing this, I quickly made my way to the door...just to have it swung into my face!!!
WHUMP!!!
That’s the sound of someone falling on their flank...hard. Grimacing, I rubbed my sore nose with a hoof, before sneezing like everyone does when they hit their nose. I silently thanked Celestia that my nose wasn’t bleeding as I peered up at whoever just hit me with the door. In the doorway stood the owner of the complex, Ms.Mandarin!
“Oh buck all kinds of duck...” I thought bitterly as she peered at me with half-lidded eyes. Yep, she’s hornier than an orchestra’s brass section, “Good evening to you, Ms.Mandarin. Umm,” I trailed off as she gave a lustful snort, trotting into my room and closing the door behind her. An audible click happened a second later, to which I coughed nervously at, “You know, I was just about to come see you in your room. You see, I need to form a consensus about how bad the heat has hit Ponyville this year and...” I trailed off as she sashayed towards me seductively, licking her lips suggestively while moaning softly.
“You even know my name without me having to introduce myself? If that’s not a sign that you’re interested, then I’m not sure what is, darlin’!” Her accent was clearly southern, but it was the kind that no one liked. She was obviously a rednape, which to me, is a complete turn-off no matter how I look at it. I’ve heard stories of what goes on in their households; stories that still give me shivers to this day.
I swallowed the mountain that had found its way into my throat, my eyes widening largely at how close she had gotten in the small amount of time that had went by. In fact, she had already discarded her clothing! She was...what’s a polite way to put it? Ah yes, she’s expanding her boundaries!
Quite the gentlestallion, no?
More acutely, she has more pudge than I would prefer on a mare...which is none, by the way. Her green mane was done in fancy curls that bounced as she finally closed the distance to my face, breathing on my mouth as her lips came uncomfortably close.
“You know, I’ve only rutted one other stallion my whole life. That makes you Mr.Number Two~!” I fought back a gag as she grazed her tongue across my lips.
“ABORT!!! THIS IS YOUR ONLY CHANCE TO ABORT!!!! YOU HAVE BITS TO STAY AT OTHER INNS, JUST GET AWAY FROM HERE BEFORE YOU RUT HER BROTHER’S LEFTOVERS!!!!” I shoved my hoof in her mouth just as her lips almost tackled mine. To be honest, she really didn’t seem like such a good kisser. Not that I’m curious in the slightest, it’s just that I prefer to have a face by the next morning. I was, however, curious about who this other stallion might be.
“Would you mind telling me who this lucky scoundrel was, my dear?” I pulled that smug question from the recesses of my ass, seeing her lust-filled eyes clear up momentarily.
“Well, it was my B-” before she could finish I teleported, popping back in front of the train station from earlier. I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. Seeing nothing better to do, I quickly cast an Illumination Spell. The area around me brightened in a purple glow coming from my horn as I took out my notepad and pen, flipping it open with my magic as well. Multi-tasking is quite difficult, especially when the two spells have nothing to do with each other.
if that’s confusing, then let me elaborate. It’s what I do best, after all. If I’m holding something with my magic; it would be easier to just grab something else with my magic instead of casting an entirely different spell altogether. For instance, this Illumination Spell.
Putting the pencil to the paper, I began writing out today’s log.
Log 2,
I have been forced out of my current place of residence by a sexually-active mare. She also happens to be the proprietor of the inn I was using as board, but found no shame in trying to have sexual intercourse with one of her customers. The current time should be 12:00 A.M., if not later. which means this is Log 21/2.
My current goal now is to find a place of residency away from mares, where I will stay until the morning and possibly until this whole thing blows over. No more findings for this day, which is quite alright in my books. Less chance for danger that way.
Head Royal Archivist,
Vexing Puzzlez
I kept the Illumination Spell going as I magicked my prized materials back into their respective places. I turned my head to the left, and then to the right, looking for any sign of trouble. I took one step out of the train station and was instantly being called at.
“Now what is it...” I thought bitterly as the brightness of my horn increased, looking for whoever was’ psst-ting’ at me. The empty cobblestone street in front of me soon gave way to a pair of green eyes...green eyes with lizard-like pupils, “...Bucking great. I’m gonna be eaten by a monster!” my face became the picture of bemusement as the eyes soon gave way to a body.
An approximately six-foot tall, purple-scaled body...to be more precise. Once again, I found my words trying to climb the awkwardly placed mountain in my throat as the dragon stopped in my line of sight. He certainly looked harmless enough, and I’m a pretty lenient guy when it come to the unexplained. but to be perfectly honest, I don’t think ponies expect bucking dragons to roam their streets at night.
“Hey friend, I think you’re a little late to the party,” The dragon said, making me raise an eyebrow, demanding him to elaborate on what he meant. He got the gesture, continuing to talk as he stepped closer to me, “You see, the train already left with all the stallions earlier. You missed the train by a good half hour! Come on, I’ll take you somewhere safe.” He said as he turned around, making me think in earnest on his words.
“First of all,” I said dejectedly as I trotted quickly to fall in stride with the pot-bellied dragon, “I’m not your friend, buddy. Second of all, I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you. Which, judging by your state of physical fitness, isn’t very far. At the first sign of a set-up, I’m leaving. Am I understood?” I asked with a glare, to which he just waved a claw at dismissively.
“Relax dude, it’s perfectly safe. I’m staying there myself until this whole heat thing blows over...or until the mares get a better hold of themselves. As long as you don’t go wandering around the town during the day, you should be fine.” He said with a smile as my horn’s light illuminated his rather kind looking face. I bet this dragon couldn’t burn an egg let alone a whole village, like most of the records in the Royal Archive stated.
I relaxed, knowing that the creature adjacent to my position wasn't thinking about me as a late night snack. I then noticed how the cold feeling of stone under my hooves soon gave way to dirt, causing me to look down.
We had reached a dirt path and as I turned around to look behind us, I noticed that we were also heading away from town. I nudged the dragon on his left arm, causing him to look at me out of the corner of his eye.
“Yes?” He asked with genuine curiosity.
“Where exactly is our destination located, Mr....” I trailed off, indicating that I wanted to know his name as well. Calling sentient beings in our world by their species is kind of racist...which I’m not.
“It’s Spike, and we’re headed to Sweet Apple Acres. More importantly, the Cellar of Salvation. Trust me when I say that the guys’ll be happy to have another one added to their numbers. Especially someone like you.” Spike said with a toothy grin, making me wonder who these guys were. Maybe they’re other dragons that do the eating of ponies!
What have I gotten myself into this time!!??
