THE CHRONICLES OF DICK[/size=1337]

This is the single greatest story of all time. And I mean it. It definitely has 100% flawless grammar, and definitely does not feature an alicorn OC - and BONUS: the characters are always in-character!

…

loljk. You thought I was being serious? loln00b

Okay, here we go!

Once upon a time, there was a man named Gary. He was a major brony who lived in New York City. He was in college, getting straight A pluses and had 3 girlfriends, all of which he banged on a daily basis, occasionally with multiple at the same time. He was a famous musician and everybody on Earth loved him. He was also best buddies with Skrillex and Justin Bieber.

One day, Gary was taking a dump on his toilet. Suddenly, the shit water turned into a portal and he got sucked in. He got shit all over him, since he’s so awesome that the shit went to him like a magnet because they just wanted to be with him. However, he was totally unaffected because he’s so awesome. However, he still managed to be knocked out in the portal, defying one of the laws of the universe.

When Gary woke up, he was in Equestria. Suddenly, he turned into a pony for absolutely no reason. He realized he was a pony; he was black with a red mane. He also realized he had both a horn and wings, making him an alicorn. He looked at his magnificent. Fucking. ASS and saw his cutie mark was a sword with blood dripping off it. This meant what he did for a living was be edgy. “Wow, this is fucking incredible!” Gary sighed lustfully. “However, Gary Sue isn’t much of a pony name. What shall I adopt as my name?” Gary thought for a moment. “I know! I shall call myself Dark Lightning Sword Slash Attack Blood Melee Shadow Knife Edgy Explosion Rape Stupendous! Or, for short, DLSSABMSKEERS. I don’t even know how to pronounce that, so I shall just call myself Dark Lightning.”

Suddenly, a yellow mare with a pink mane walked up to him, though it wasn’t actually sudden since he noticed her when she was walking towards him a mile away. The mare was a pegasus, and I bet you all know who it is. “Hi, I’m Twilight Sparkle,” the mystery mare said. “I accidentally messed up a spell and I broke the goddamn space-time continuum and split through another dimension. And then I dragged you here by violently ripping apart your molecules and having them be rebuilt here.” Dark Lightning didn’t feel it because he was busy admiring himself in his 100-inch pocket mirror.

“I know who you are and what you want,” Dark Lightning calmly spoke in a slightly low voice. “I know that this is when Nightmare Moon, Discord, Queen Chrysalis, and King Sombra all return, fuse into one evil monster, and terrorize all of Equestria, and it is my job to fix it since the Elements of Harmony by itself isn’t strong enough.”

“Wow, how did you know?” Twilight Sparkle was in complete awe.

“It’s because I’m awesome and know everything,” proclaimed Dark Lightning. Then he suddenly got goggles on his head and did the face.

“Well, that’s most of what we want. However, there’s something I want,” she seducingly said and rubbed Dark Lightning’s you-know-what.

You know, his chest. What the fuck did you think it was, pervert?

“I know that you want the D,” he said uber quietly. And then they sexed. However, Twilight was a horrible partner since she was a virgin.

After the sexxing sequence, which lasted for about 14 hours, there lay over 1000 broken condoms, a few hundred kinky sex toys (of which about half were broken in half), and about 3 and a half dead clowns.

“That was incredible,” Twilight gasped.

“Yeah,” Dark Lightning said with full energy. “I only got 3 STD’s during this! Don’t worry, I cured them all with my awesome alicorn abilities.”

“Now what?” Twilight asked. “Should we try to save Equestria now?”

Since Dark Lightning was a ~~fucking obnoxious, self-centered selfish prick~~ really great guy, he didn’t want to save Equestria. However, he decided to. “Le okay.........” he said, making le epikc reddit maymay face. xDxDxDXXDxDxxDXDXdx

He went to Twilight’s house with her. The tree was very cramped and smelt like shit. Twilight had to quickly do some things before explaining her plans. During that time, Dark Lightning managed to befriend Spike and Spike said he was his best friend.

“Alright,” Twilight said as she got back. “Queen Chrysalis put a mind control spell on all of my friends. The only way to fix the spell is to use the magic of love to snap them out!”

“Well, that seems simple enough,” Dark Lightning groaned.

“However, this is an advanced version of the spell.” Dark Lightning looked up. “It requires an enormous amount of love in a single burst.” Dark Lightning tilted his head. “The only way to fix it is with......................... SECKS” she edgy-ed. (It’s a verb, look it up!)

“Don’t worry, I’m perfect at this!” Dark Lightning said awesomely. He then said, “I must le go, my le planet le needs le me! xD” and flew threw the ceiling. Even though he had no idea where any of the ponies were, he instantly found all of the ponies with le epikc teleportation. The ponies had green eyes and were doing sexy tasks for Chrysalis............... ;)))))))))))

“Ah, I have been waiting for you,” Chrysalis sighed un-seductively. “Come here. I will give you the greatest sex of your life!”

Dark Lightning started to edge(y) his way to her, but knew it was a trap. However, he didn’t care and jumped in. They began having a 7-way orgy (septorgy). “This is perfect,” Chrysalis said and tried to do le mind control on Dark Lightning. However, it didn’t work. “WHAT??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?” she screeched.

“Mwahaha! I’m 2edgy5u!” Dark Lightning edgied. He then did mind control on Chrysalis.

“NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIN......................” Chrysalis went off as she lost control of her mind. And then the 5 mares regained their minds; however, since Dark Lightning is so awesome, they decided to stay and have an awesome orgy.

10 years later, after the orgy, Celestia appeared next to Dark Lightning. “Dark Lightning,” she said loudly but quietly. “You are the secret seventh Element of Harmony!” Dark Lightning made an :OOOOOOO. “You are the Element of Awesomeness!!!!!!!!!”

Dark Lightning flew up into the air and suddenly got a sword. (He got this instead of a crown or a necklace because that’s girly and he’s a MAN!)

“However, you are also a human from Earth, and you must go home.”

Dark Lightning Sword Slash Attack Blood Melee Shadow Knife Edgy Explosion Rape Stupendous got sad, and then he hugged all of the other mares with his wings and his dick. He started crying, and then his tears cured the cancer of thousands of little fillies. However, he murdered them right after because when Dark Lightning Sword Slash Attack Blood Melee Shadow Knife Edgy Explosion Rape Stupendous gives, Dark Lightning Sword Slash Attack Blood Melee Shadow Knife Edgy Explosion Rape Stupendous also takes.

However, Dark Lightning decided he would not take it anymore. He then murdered Celestia, married Luna (who is the ruler of Equestria at le tiem xDxDxDxDXdxDxxdxdZDzddxdzxdxdDXdxddDXdXdx), and then began ruling Equestria. He then had the main 6 be his fuckbuddies.

The fucking end.

Author's Note

why