The Cunt Punt

“So who’s still alive?” Charlie Sheen shouted. “There were twenty of us to begin with.”

“I’m alive baby!” Justin Bieber screamed like an annoying twelve year old girl.

“My sentient being appears to be intact.” said Stephen Hawking.

“Yo dawg I’m still alive G.” said another survivor Kanye West. “Yo I was all like DAAAAAM when that shit was all like BOOOOOSH! Nawmeen?”

“No Kanye we don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.” Charlie Sheen said.

“Wastin’ away again in Equestria.” sang Jimmy Buffet. “Searchin’ for a Scoota la loo.”

“Shut the fuck up Jimmy Buffet.” demanded Stephen Hawking.

“Some people claim that there a ponnny to blame. But I know...”

Kanye West walked up to Jimmy Buffet, pulled out a gun, and shot him in the foot.

“Yo that shit cray!” He laughed. “Yo Jimmy Buffet yo music trife dawg!”

“P-pony burger in paradise.” Jimmy Buffet began to sing while crying over his wounded foot.

Kanye West shot Jimmy Buffet in the head. It exploded into a million bloody pieces. “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM SON!!!” the rapper laughed.

“But Kanye he was one of the chosen!” Charlie Sheen objected.

“Is that everyone left then?” asked Justin Bieber. “Me, Charlie Sheen, Stephen Hawking, and Kanye West?”

“Who were the rest of the dead people?” asked Pinkie Pie looking at the bodies spread across the destroyed Statue of Liberty.

“Well let’s see.” Charlie Sheen began. “Besides the four of us and Jimmy Buffet there was Adrien Brody, Pope Benedict XVI, Mark Zuckerberg, John C. Reilly, Peyton Manning, Queen Elizabeth, and eight random Chinese people.”

“So what do we do now?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Man I be thinkin,” Kanye West began. “That yous is like a pony and shit, and like you can talks and shit. So like what if we ride yous all da way back to Earth dawg? Fo shizzle?”

“OH GOD OH GOD!” screamed Charlie Sheen. “OH SHIT!”

“What’s wrong?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“I think I’m gonna be...” Charlie Sheen threw up.

“Are you okay?” asked Justin Bieber. “Do you want me to jerk you off?”

“There’s something wrong with me!” Charlie Sheen screamed. “But what the fuck could be wrong with me? I have tiger blood man!”

Charlie Sheen then puked up a small puppy. The little dog wagged his tail happily and licked up the puddle of vomit.

“Awww it be a lil dawg yo!” Kanye giggled.

The puppy then ran away into the Everfree Forest.

“What the fuck author!?” Charlie Sheen screamed raising his fist at the sky. “What the fuck did that have to do with anything!?”

A beam of light shone down upon the group. “I did it for the lulz.” said a deep sexy voice coming from within the beam. The light then dissipated.

“Who was that?” asked Justin Bieber. “He sounded so... So cool!”

“He must have been an incredibly smart and sexy individual.” said Stephen Hawking.

“Hey everypony, I think I should take you all to Ponyville to meet my friends!” suggested Pinkie Pie.

“Fuck dat shit.” said Kanye. “Unless you be havins sum pony strippers in dat town den I don’t wanna be goin. Nawmeen?”

“Well um...” began Pinkie Pie. “We don’t wear any clothes actually.”

“Okay dawg I’m down then.”

“Me too.” said Charlie Sheen.

“Do they have nakey boy ponies too?” asked Justin Bieber.

Pinkie Pie nodded.

“Count me in then!” the Biebs said excitedly.

“I am not down.” Stephen Hawking said. “My penis does not operate.”

“Yo old man no one be givin a fuck.” said Kanye. “Ya’ll like sum dumb paraplegic dope dealer or sum shit, I don’t even know dawg.”

“If I could give you the middle finger then I would.” Stephen Hawking muttered.

So the four strange people and Pinkie Pie made their way back to Ponyville. When they got there they found all the houses mysteriously destroyed, many of which were still engulfed in flames.

Twilight Sparkle walked from out of the wreckage smiling. “Hi Pinkie Pie!” she said merrily.

“Hiya Twilight?” Pinkie Pie said. “Gee what happened to Ponyville when I was gone?”

“Oh this?” Twilight laughed. “Nothing really, Discord just thought it would be funny to fuck up our whole town again. So what’s up?”

“Well as a matter of fact alot!” Pinkie Pie answered. “First Scootaloo turned demonic and cunt punted me, then she climbed into my baby maker, after which these guys here climbed out of my poop chute, then Goku killed about fifteen people and destroyed the Statue of Liberty, after that Kanye West shot Jimmy Buffet, and now we’re here to figure out how to stop Scootaloo who is apparently a one pony army who single hoofedly destroyed most of Earth’s population.”

“Cool!” Twilight exclaimed. “Sound like an adventure!”

“Wait up dawg!” Kanye interrupted. “I thots we was like here to be havin an orgy and shit.”

“Well we can discuss how to destroy Scootaloo and fuck the living shit out each at the same time can’t we?” said Twilight. “Here hop on!” she presented her marehood to the rapper.

“Aight.” said Kanye who immediately jumped on accepting the invitation. “Yo!” he said. “Dis pony pussy be stanky as shit.”

“So anyway apparently my dick holster was a portal to an alternate universe.” said Pinkie Pie.

“Damn straight,” laughed Charlie Sheen. “and a portal for pleasure pole.” he pulled down his pants and began to fuck Pinkie Pie.

“So how exactly did this... ugh... portal open?” asked Twilight.

“Well... oh yeah... Scootaloo cunt punted me and it just kinda grew I guess... Ooh...” Pinkie Pie explained.

“And do they... Oh yeah baby! Have any idea where Scootaloo is now?”

“Not... FUCK YES!!! That I know of.”

“Well maybe... Aww yeah... We should try to reopen the portal.”

“I thought you said there were nakey boy ponies here.” complained Justin Bieber.

“Fuck you kid.” said Stephen Hawking. “And fuck you Kanye and Charlie, can’t you see the equines are trying to converse about important matters?”

“Yo can like peoples knock up ponies?” asked Kanye. “I don’ts wanna be payin’ child support for sum skank’s pony baby.”

Charlie Sheen dumped a load of cocaine on Pinkie Pie’s back and snorted it. Then he pulled out a blunt, lit it, and started to smoke it as he fucked the pink mare. “Holy shit man, this is fucking ridiculous.” he said. “What the fuck is going on.”

“It’s decided then.” Twilight said breathing heavily. “We’ll try to reopen the portal when these two are finished.”

Justin Bieber began to cry. “All I want is a nakey boy pony!”

Ten minutes later the actor and rapper were finished with the mares, Justin Bieber was still crying, and Stephen Hawking was wishing he could walk.

“Holy shit.” said Charlie Sheen as he munched on some shrooms while smoking a bowl of meth. “I never noticed how beautiful the sound of my beating heart is. It’s like... It’s like Pocahontas is in there pounding on Native American drums. And... And I’m the drum!”

“Yo nigga, dat shit cray.” Kanye said.

“So how exactly did Scootaloo cunt punt you?” Twilight asked Pinkie Pie. “Did she say any kind of enchantment?”

“Actually she was speaking in Latin.” Pinkie Pie explained.

“Okay I’ll try to say some Latin enchantments while cunt punting you then. Maybe that will open the portal.” Twilight then cunt punted Pinkie Pie. “Placere aperire porta. Me in irrumabo in asinum!”

Nothing happened.

“Well I’m all out of ideas.” said Twilight.

“Me too.” said Pinkie Pie.

“Yo maybe we can like... Cunt punt Justin Bieber an a portal will open up and shit!” said Kanye.

“But I’m a boy silly.” said Justin Bieber. “I don’t have a va... vagina. I have very long wee wee!”

Kanye West laughed. “You not foolin’ anyone.”

“Has anyone ever noticed the sky is like... Always above us... It’s like our protector...” said Charlie Sheen. His pupils were about the size of quarters.

“Perhaps if we can enter a worm hole traveling at the speed of light then we can travel back to Earth.” suggested Stephen Hawking. “But the other end would need to be in that dimension.”

“Of course!” said Twilight. “I’ll use my magic to make such a wormhole!”

Just then Derpy Hooves flew out of the sky and landed directly in Pinkie Pie’s snatch.

“What the hay!” screamed Pinkie.

“Hey I has found portal!” Derpy said from inside Pinkie’s muff salad. “O magnum foramen. Ostende nobis intra occulta tenebrarum!”

Pinkie Pie’s sheath began to expand again revealing the portal to Earth.

“Derpy you did it!” Twilight shouted. “I didn’t know you could speak Latin.”

“Muffins!” Derpy yelled as she flew off into the horizon.

“Now it’s time...” said Twilight. “To go inside Pinkie Pie’s pink pie.”