The Cunt Punt

“Party in my pussy! Party in my pussy!” Pinkie Pie laughed.

“Are we here?” asked Twilight. “Is this shit hole Earth?”

The other side of the portal was a desolate and barren wasteland. The scorched ground was littered with the skeletons of unknown individuals. It looked exactly like Rosie O’Donnell’s crotch.

“Yea yea dawg, dis is Earth.” said Kanye. “That bitch ass skank Scootafuck did all dis shit.”

Charlie Sheen then dropped his pants and began to take a giant dump. Justin Bieber watched excitedly.

“Bloody Hell Charlie! What do you think you’re doing?” asked Harry Potter.

“Taking a dookie.” Charlie answered. “OH GOD OH FUCK NOT AGAIN!!” He then shat out Nyan Cat.

“Yo drizzle, it be dat lil annoying poptart cat!” Kanye screamed. He pulled out his gun and tried to shoot the cat.

“Expecto Patronum!” Harry yelled waving his wand at the cat. A semen like substance splooged out the end of the wand and hit the stupid cat thing in the face.

“Wait!” Twilight shouted. “Why are we attacking it? Maybe it’s a sign from the author! Maybe Nyan Cat can help us!”

Nyan Cat exploded into little microscopic Pillsbury Doughboy’s. The tiny little white people then dug holes in the ground and buried themselves in.

“Or maybe the author is just being a giant random prick.” said Charlie. “Seriously why don’t you make Justin Bieber shit out a fucking barbed wire fence or something?”

An orb of light descended from the sky and hovered above the six characters. “That actually isn’t a bad idea.” a voice from within said. “But he’s needed in your quest.”

“Why the fuck do we need him?” asked Harry Potter.

“I’m just kidding lol.” said the voice. “You don’t need that little pussy.”

“Yes you do!” Justin Bieber cried. “You need me, I’m important! I can... I can... I can do stuff!”

“Yo bitch shut da fuck up!” Kanye threatened pointing his gun at the Biebs. “Mothafucka, I bout to shoot yo annoying lil baby singin ass.”

“Hold on!” the voice from the orb said. “There is more lulz if I do this.”

Justin Bieber began screaming. “WHAT’S GOING ON!?!!” he cried collapsing to the ground.

“You’re such a great guy author.” Charlie Sheen said happily. “You took my suggestion didn’t you?”

“Trolololol!” said the orb.

Justin Bieber began to spit out blood. “WHY DOES MY BUM BUM HURT?!?!!?” he screamed in agony. Then he farted loudly and two hundred feet of barbed wire shot out of his asshole. Everyone/pony began to cheer and applaud.

“But I... I didn’t even get to see a nakey boy pony...” Justin Bieber whimpered. He died and the group laughed.

“Great show author! Great show!” Harry Potter cheered.

The orb rose into the heavens and out of sight.

“Now we can start looking for Scootaloo!” Pinkie Pie said. “Does anypony have any idea where she could be?”

“Well...” began Kanye. “If dat bitch be here den she probly be at her crib yo.”

“We all actually thought she went back to Equestria, but she must’ve stayed here.” Charlie Sheen said. “Boy she’s not going to be happy when she finds out the Statue of Liberty is destroyed and more than half of the chosen are dead.”

“Well where’s her crib yo?” asked Twilight.

Kanye pointed at a shiny gold speck in the distance. “Yo dat be Lord Scootaloo’s palace dawg. Right where KFC used to be. Nawmeen?”

“I have a plan!” Harry Potter shouted.

“What is it Harry?” asked Pinkie Pie. “It doesn’t involve cunt punting me does it?”

“Yo you don’t even be havin a poontang anymore bitch.” Kanye laughed.

“Oh yeah...” Pinkie Pie remembered.

“Okay listen up guys.” Harry said. “We have to summon... Him...”

Kanye and Charlie Sheen began to whisper to each other.

“Who’s him?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“You don’t know!” screamed Harry Potter appalled. “Only the most powerful being in the universe! He’s even more powerful than demigod Chuck Norris himself!”

“Who could be more powerful than Chuck Norris.” asked Twilight.

“He can only be summoned when five little douchebags put their gay little rings together.” said Charlie Sheen.

“Wait do you mean!” Pinkie Pie gasped.

“Yes...” Harry Potter said. “The mullet man himself... Captain Planet.”

“I thought he was a myth!” Twilight exclaimed. “This changes everything!”

“Yo dawg.” said Kanye. “But hows we like gonna get dem lil queefnuggets and they gay ass rings?”

“I’m a wizard stupid.” Harry scolded. “I can like summon them. Here watch.” he pointed his wand at the sky. “Jizzboneus Fagosa!”

All five planeteers popped out of the sky and fell to their deaths.

Harry Potter laughed. “That was kind of funny. Let’s go get their rings and summon Captain Planet!”