Chaos in Ponyville Part II: The Road Trip
Every 18 years, the moon gets close...
"Okay, so Michael Jordan's dead, Leon is fucking no where, and Derpy is dead, Ponyville's ruined, and now we're stuck here as ponies. What're we supposed to do?" Bruce asked, his mind suddenly processing everything that just happened.
"Isn't it obvious?" Tyler spouted, "We need to find Ray."
"...Who?"
"Ray! From Achievement Hunter!"
"How the fuck is he supposed to help us!?"
"Well, he's a brony first of all, and he can help us with his knowledge of the many magics of the land!"
"Okay that's bullshit, and even if he could help us, Achievement Hunter is in Austin Texas, and we're in Equestria."
Tyler unrolled a scroll on the floor. "Well, this here map says it's like 346 miles west of here."
"What? Lemme see..."
Sure enough, it was. Apparently, in the world they were in, Equestria made up a large portion of the United States, and was the largest state in the country.
"Okay... my mind is having trouble processing this right now...how're we supposed to get there anyway? My wings are pretty much useless since you broke them with that tire iron, so we can't fly."
"Well, let's go search for a car then!"
And so they went off into the ruined town to find a way to Achievement Hunter.
Meanwhile, in Derpy's Big Boss Temple, Shang Tsung approached the "Big Sauce" room to find Derpy's bullet/semen riddled body. He proceeded to use his dark magics to refill her with life essences and mentos and shit and sent her dusty ass after Bruce and Tyler to stop them from achieving their goals.
"Oh shit, there it is!" Tiller.
"What?" Boose.
"The party bus, dude!" Chicken.
Sure enough in the distance, there was a bus in perfect condition, completely unaffected by the shit that went down around it just minutes ago. Tyler only dubbed it the "Party Bus" because, you know.
"Dude I hear rattling noises in the trunk..." Tyler was investigating the back of the bus.
"Since when do buses have trunks?" Bruce inquired.
Suddenly, a naked chinese man with a babby penis jumped out of the trunk and started whacking Tyler with a whip.
"OOOOOOH!!!OOOOOOOOOOOOOH shit it's Chow!" Tyler Suddenly realized.
"SO LONG, GAY BOYS!" Chow shouted and ran away to Las Vegas and then The Hangover III was filmed.
"Goodbye, you fabulous Mexican." Tyler said dramatically.
"Come on dude, we need to go find some gas for the bus. The tank's empty." Said Bruce.
And they set off in search of fuel. There never seemed to be any gas stations in Ponyville upon first inspection, but they just found a bus with a naked Chinese guy in it so who the fuck knows? Anyways, after a few minutes of searching, Tyler yelled and Bruce came to aid him, and was suddenly face to face with a giant hamburger.
"OH MY GOD BRUCE I found Big Mac!" Tyler was laughing his ass off on ground.
"Oh, ha-ha Tyler." Said Bruce.
"Eeyup" Said the Big Mac.
"...oh my god let's get the fuck out of here i'm so freaked out right now." Bruce whispered.
And they snuck away, and proceeded with the task at hand. (Task at hoof? No fuck you)
"Dude, there's some gas over there" Tyler observed, "But it's surrounded by Mexican Roosters."
"What's with you and Mexicans?"
"No time to exprain, we need to get dat gasorine!"
"...Okay fuck it let's go." And they rushed in, Bruce with his Grape Knife and Tyler with his Tire Iron, and began to fend of the surrounding Roosters. Something they didn't see until they were closer was that the roosters had...dicks for legs.
Wow.
They were swinging left and right, as they seemed to come from everywhere (In both ways, unfortunately) and one of them got dangerously close to Bruce's posterior, but they eventually retreated into their peublos. (Apparently they are Mexican.) They got the gas and headed back to the bus, only to find it occupied by Redfoo and Shuffle Bot of LMFAO. Bruce walked up to the door of the bus and said "Dude, get out of here!" And Redfoo was crying and said "Where the fuck is Skybluuuuuuuuu!?!?" So Tyler and Bruce beat the shit out of them and kicked them out and said "You suck and you butt fuck and you're both car wash cunts!" And drove off. Bruce drove, because when you put Tyler behind the wheel you end up with an overturned car in a ditch with two dead wombats with glass bottles in their butts in the trunk. Tyler was inspecting the seats and cubbies for sock goblins, even though Bruce reassured him time after time that there was nothing to worry about.
"Ay Tyler I'm starting to get a little tired, do you think you could drive for like 3 hours without driving the bus into a Puerto Rican gang bang aga-"
"OH SHIT, SOCK GOBLINS!!!"
Out of nowhere, small green Gremlin-esque creatures covered in socks leapt from inconceivable dimensions in various parts of the bus. They stole their socks and shit and left as quickly as they came. Then some filler happened with some more filler and more filler and more filler filler filler filler and even more filler to make up for the fact that Bruce just ran out of ideas and is just typing without thinking at this point just to finish this goddamn chapter.
Anyways they rode off into the horizon with Derpy, armed with the souls of demon children in, hot on their trail, and the road trip began.
Author's Note
I'm really, really sorry about this.
~Bruce
