Harold and Kumar Go to Equestria

The sun was a few hours late coming up in the morning, and as a result she had to send royal apologies to all the farm animals; in particular the roosters were quite upset. Princess Luna glowered at her older sister, who was blearily drinking coffee and trying to remember all of what happened last night.

"It isn't bad enough that you set the sun early while I was still asleep, and I didn't raise the moon so it was pitch dark over most of Equestria for four hours; it wasn't enough that you could not be woken until nine-o-clock in the morning; but you were at the party that EVERYPONY WILL BE TALKING ABOUT FOR THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS AND YOU DIDN'T INVITE ME!" Luna seethed, staring daggers at the ruler of Equestria.

Celestia was downcast. "I know, I know, I'm so sorry. Look, I did bring you back a brownie. It only has one bite out of it."

"Oh great! I'll just eat it by myself and stay up in my room!" Luna snorted. "I may just as well! I miss out on EVERYTHING! You remember what happened the LAST time you neglected me!"

Celestia glared back. "So should you!" Eye daggers clashed, then they both softened. "I'm... I really am so sorry, Luna. Please. I should have sent somepony to get you but... everything was just sort of happening! I was living in the moment. So was everypony else! I wasn't worried about anything... and yes, it was very bad judgement on my part to change the schedule like that, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I promise, no more brownies for me. Unless you're with me, OK? And we have a designated princess."

"Well... alright then. We'll make Twilight control the celestial bodies?" Luna ventured a small smile. She didn't want to be angry, but being left out hurt her more than anything.

Celestia nodded. "Better than Cadence. Math was never a strong subject for her. She couldn't add more than one and one. Well, occasionally she could count up to three when the mood was upon her." Celestia and Luna started chuckling together.

"So, tell me about the Ritters." Luna rested her head on her hoof, leaning on the table in the breakfast nook.

Celestia sighed. "There's a lot to talk about. These ones seem alright, and they certainly have some interesting conversation, but the last time humans from Earth came here, we had the Teutonic Incursion. Helfen, Wehren, Heilen indeed! They launched a crusade against us, and tried to exterminate the unicorns! And I don't even want to talk about the Normans! But you remember that one, the smelly things. Not that the Germans were much better but at least they had the general idea of sanitation thanks to that Hospitaler they had with them. Of course, a lot can change in six hundred years. It seems like they haven't entirely kicked the war habit though, so I'm of a mind to keep these two here and destroy the portal... except there are complications." Luna nodded. There were always complications.

Celestia sipped her coffee and continued. "First off, one of the humans has a child back on Earth. Strangely, he's the one who has developed a relationship with Zecora." Luna blinked and tilted her head curiously. "It's a long story that involves a petrification cure, from what I was able to understand of Zecora's rhymes. But they do seem to be happy with one another. I suppose he was happy with his female before he had the child... or maybe she was no longer happy with him. Having foals can drive parents apart as much as bring them together." Luna suddenly was interested in something invisible on the table.

"The other complication is that the portal is located in the middle of a city."

"Oh! That's not good! If you destroy it, it will level everything within a quarter mile! Hundreds of innocent people could be hurt or killed!" Luna covered her mouth with a hoof.

"From what the humans told me, it would be more like ten thousand, if you can believe that. Plus their nation, America, could mistake the explosion for a particularly powerful weapon, a nuke he called it, which apparently most big nations have in quantity. That's the reason their wars tend to be small and in jungles and deserts; the big nations don't dare to go to war directly. America could think one of its enemies had "nuked" Cherry Hill, and that could start a war that could kill... billions? I find it hard to believe that there are that many humans, but Kumar was adamant." Celestia glanced over at the couch with the snoring lump.

"So destroying the portal is out of the question... is there any other way to close it? What's to keep other humans from finding it? Where is it in the city, exactly?"

"It is in an apartment building...that's like a very large house with many different families living in small parts of it, and they've disguised it, so it should be safe for now. Unless they get evicted from their apartment, or the apartment building gets condemned and knocked down, which would happen eventually; they don't build things to last in America. Then there will be an extradimensional portal hanging just hanging about forty feet in the air begging to be investigated. Even if we block it completely on this side, they'd drill through eventually. So we have to keep it a secret, and we need Harold and Kumar for that to happen."

"Oh, so they have a plan?" Luna looked impressed.

"Um, sort of. It involves growing their plants here, selling them to other humans, who apparently will pay quite a bit for it, and using that money to buy the apartment building and bribe the city council to declare it an 'historical heritage site' whatever that is. Their country is only 240 years old, how much historical heritage could they have?"

"Well, it is a plan. The two of them can do that all by themselves?" Luna scratched her mane with her hoof.

"Not exactly. They said they'd need some help, a few humans they believe they can trust." Celesita rubbed some of the sleepiness out of her eyes

"I hope we can trust them too. Because if we can't..."

"I know. Ten thousand. I don't want to think about it, but if needs must..."

"Well, it's getting late for me, time for you to start working and for me to go relax. I will take that brownie with me, I think. And may I borrow Kumar?" The lump on the couch rolled. "I'd like somepony to talk to and if we're going to be working together, it would be best to spend some time talking." She levitated the basket and a few glossy pages fell out of it. "What's this?"

"Oh. Ha ha! Twilight's 'biology illustrations.' That girl... I swear by, um, me? She's so intelligent that she's a little stupid sometimes."

Luna looked at the pictures, scandalized. "Why, this is nothing but base pornography! Disgusting filth! This is what our 'worthy allies' brought with them?"

"They said it was a mistake; they were suffering from some pretty bad judgement themselves. That's something we're going to have to control from now on if we want this plan to work. I'm thinking we'll need somepony really trustworthy to keep an eye on things over there; somepony who can pass as a human. And we need to keep it as quiet as possible on our side as well; you know how silly ponies can be. They'll either be curious or panic. Here, let me throw those things out."

"Don't trouble yourself sister, I will dispose of them. Now, get to work, your ponies need you!"

____________________

Kumar rolled over and fell off the couch onto a rug. "Ow!" He looked up, not quite sure where he was. He remembered falling asleep on the couch after talking with Princess Celestia about magic in her living room until the wee hours. The "Big Bash" as it was being called had broken up and ponies dragged themselves home. Harold and Zecora crashed over at the Library, but Kumar was still up and running and Celestia was still pretty chatty, so they took a moonlight chariot ride back to the palace. It was exhilarating!

This couch, however, was not in Princess Celestia's living room. He was in a boudoir. He stood up and looked around. The windows were all shuttered and the door was closed. The light in the room came from a hurricane lamp on a nightstand next to a large bed. Someone, or somepony rather, was on the bed, reading. An empty basket sat rather untidily on the floor.

Princess Luna looked up from the pages spread out on the bed. "Oh, you're up are you? About time; I was starting to get bored. I was thinking about sending some crazy dreams to the ponies who are still sleeping it off. Come here."

Kumar walked over to the bedside with considerable trepidation. "Hello, I'm Kumar, and you must be..."

"Princess Luna, And you may call me 'your highness.' My sister has a tendency to dispose of formalities. I do not." She scowled at him.

Kumar gulped. "Yes, your highness."

"Now, my little human, you will explain to me exactly what is going on this these photos. This does NOT appear to be normal mating activity!"

"Oh, well, actually, um.."

"WHEN WE ASK A QUESTION, WE EXPECT AN ANSWER!" The Canterlot Voice, used at point blank range, is utterly terrifying.

"No! Yes! Your highness! That's a three way and no it is very unusual and there's no way she'll get pregnant if he puts that in there, so no it isn't normal mating activity. Your highness!" Kumar stood stock still in a state of utter panic. Maybe if I don't move, she won't be able to see me, like with a praying mantis.

"I didn't think so." She blinked. "You know, I think this brownie is finally starting to work."

"Oh? Your ate one, your highness?"

"No, I took it as a suppository, like this human female! Of course I ate it! Like this other human female." She blinked again. "Hee hee! That was funny, wasn't it?"

"Yes, your highness!"

"THEN WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING!?"

"Ha! Ha ha!" Kumar almost crapped himself from sheer terror.

"Very well then. Apparently this drug effects some ponies differently than it does others. I don't want to listen to music. I don't want to eat a pile of nachos. I don't even want to talk right now. I want what she is having here, on page 24, followed by page 27. And if you are a very good colt, I will let you do page 31. Now, strip!"

"Oh God!"

"What's the matter Kumar? Not stallion enough?" She cantered over to him as he stood, paralyzed, grabbed him by the pants, and ripped down. She grinned maniacally, her eyes travelling downward, and then her smile disappeared. "What, really?" Her disappointment was palpable. "Am I not attractive, Kumar?" All of the fire went out of her as she backed away, her eyes starting to well up.

"Oh no, you're adorable! But you're a pony! I'm a human! It's not my thing!" Kumar suddenly felt distressed and embarrassed for her, rather than frightened for himself.

"But what about Harold and Zecora?" She looked like she really needed a hug.

"Well, that's their thing. I'm sorry, I'm only attracted to human females!"

Comprehension dawned on Luna's features. "Ooooh! For a second there I thought we were going to have a problem." Her horn glowed and space seemed to warp around her. Her legs elongated and thinned as did her arms, then her torso narrowed and she assumed an upright posture as large breasts blossomed upon her chest. Her face flattened and her eyes moved closer together. He found himself facing the woman on page 24, though with midnight blue skin, large blue eyes, a distinctive moon-shaped tattoo upon a shapely hip, and hair that seemed to be made of interstellar space. Darkly angelic wings and a unicorn horn completed the picture. "Is this more like it?"

Creator of the universe, I bless you with every atom of my soul! "Much, your highness!" He looked down at himself, then back at her. "Much, much, much!"

"Good. Now, where were we? Oh yes," she said, laying back on the large four-poster, "page 24. Now, slave."

"Yes mistress!"