Harold and Kumar Go to Equestria

Celestia looked down upon the three friends benignly as they stared at her. The other ponies around them made no remark about the princess knowing of humans and of the Earth. A frown formed on Kumar's forehead. "Princess Celestia, do any other ponies know about humans?"

"It was a very long time ago, young one. Don't tell any other ponies about the Earth. The ones here are seeing and hearing us having an entirely different conversation. You are travelers from Zecora's homeland, strange creatures that walk on two legs. I don't want the word 'humans' used, in case somepony remembers a tale from a great grand mare or something. Did you speak to anypony else?"

Zecora bowed her head and said, "Only Big Macintosh and Applejack, your highness, and they only know Harold and Kumar as travelers."

Celestia nodded. "Good, I don't like erasing memories. You, Zecora, I know I can trust with a secret." The zebra reddened and nodded. "Just where did Applejack go?"

Kumar spoke up. "Um, your highness, she went to get more food and cider."

"Ooh! Excellent! " The regal alicorn looked hungrily in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres. "Now, if anypony asks, you are Ritters. That should be obscure enough to be safe. That is what the humans called themselves six hundred years ago when they were last here. They weren't very nice. Still, they brought the Arabians with them and we were able to liberate them when they were defeated."

"Ritters? You mean German knights?" Harold was a history buff, among other things. "Yeah, they wouldn't be very nice, probably, 15th century thugs. Say... how is it you're speaking English anyway?"

Celestia smiled and Harold felt like he was being bathed in the light of patience and understanding. "I'm not; you are speaking Equine, just like every unicorn, griffon, dragon, zebra, mule, dragon and diamond dog does, and for the same reason. It was Starswirl's greatest achievement, the Great Compact, by which the leaders of all races agreed to speak a single language within the borders of Equestria, through the use of a great binding spell. Of course, the downside is that he had to create Discord to do so."

"Oh! That's why he looks like that!" Kumar was grinning ear to ear.

"Yes, poor fellow. We thought he could be reasoned with, and Starswirl was able to do so, but ponies don't live forever. When Luna and I had to take over, it didn't work out well and we needed to use the elements in order to turn him to stone. Now we have Fluttershy able to control him, tame him rather, not through magic, but through friendship. I only hope that when... oh, never mind. Forgive me, I do go on sometimes." Celestia's eyes grew somewhat sad; it seemed like inside of them, a star was dying.

"Ponies don't live forever." Kumar too looked somewhat downcast.

"No they don't, but don't feel too sorry for her, Kumar. She'll doubtless outlive you. Ponies don't live forever, but they do live quite a bit longer than humans. I'm just hoping that her lessons to Discord will survive her." Zecora and Harold watched this back and forth and realized that Kumar and the Princess were hitting it off. Odd, given he's so anti-authoritarian, thought Harold.

Celestia looked Kumar and Harold up and down. "You are not dressed for war, so that is a mark in your favor." The friends thought uncomfortably about the firearms they left at Zecora's tree. "You don't have the look of the warrior about you. Tell me, does war still take place between men?"

Harold looked down at his feet. "Yes, very often, and it is always because of stupidity and greed, at least on one side, usually on both."

Celestia regarded him gravely. "And again, it counts in your favor that you are ashamed of it, rather than proud. The men who came here before killed ponies for sport." Kumar paled slightly at the thought. "It seems that humanity is well represented in you two. We'll talk more later about just how you got here, and your little agricultural experiment, but you seem like decent enough people to me. Let's enjoy the music and the glamours, shall we?"

The men relaxed and grinned. Kumar wiggled his eyebrows at Harold and turned to the princess. "That sounds like a great idea, your highness. And, by any chance, are any of those brownies left?" The princess rolled her eyes and a small basket appeared in front of them. "Yes!" cried the two stoners, giving each other a high five.

__________

Having eaten the brownies, and having borrowed a few bits from Zecora for cider and fritters, the two friends sat in the square with the princess and her impromptu court, Zecora having accepted part of one brownie at Harold's suggestion. They listened and watched as the band changed over, Mayor Mare hugging Octavia and Pretty Beat. Twilight was getting very inventive in her illusions now, and it seemed like they were watching a psychedelic movie with a symphonic soundtrack as Octavia's quartet, having been dispatched to fetch their instruments, improvised a thrilling score.

Harold leaned back against Zecora, who giggled contentedly. "Now this is the life. An amazing show, incredible music, a beautiful girl," Zecora nuzzled the back of his neck, "and I'm mellow as all hell-o. Aaaahhhh..." He sighed, as relaxed and happy as he could remember. Meanwhile, Kumar and Celestia were talking about magic.

"So tell me please, why is it that unicorns, and alicorns, are the only ones who can cast spells?" Kumar, high as a kite on a very cerebral weed, was enthralled by Celestia's conversation. Celestia approved of Kumar's curiosity, and was pleased to have someone listen so intently as she went over the fundamentals of magic. Usually this material had to be dumbed down for kindergartners, and presenting such basic information using her full range of vocabulary was quite refreshing. She was also quite relaxed and chatty.

"You see, Kumar, all living creatures have magic within them. It is, however, expressed in different ways. In the case of pegasi, their magic allows them flight. Surely you can see that Cloud Breaker's wings are far to small for her body weight. Magic is what makes flight, aerobatics and great speed possible for a pegasus. Earth ponies express their magic through great physical strength and endurance. Big Macintosh over there." she nodded at the red stallion, "can lift three times his body weight over his head. If he had to, he could do hard physical labor for three days straight without taking a break, or even stopping to eat. Unicorns have the most versatile gift, allowing us to manipulate matter and energy at a distance using our horns, which have a direct connection to our brains and act as a focusing mechanism for our thoughts. A deeper understanding of the physical universe allows a unicorn to perform some very powerful, and often dangerous magic. Alicorns combine the magic of all three pony races."

"I understand that Twilight was a unicorn before you transformed her into an alicorn." Kumar gazed into Celestia's eyes intently.

"Yes. Alicorns are made, not born. I was a unicorn myself when I was a filly. One of great magical power, much like Twilight was. It's funny, I really can't remember my childhood. I'm not even sure exactly how old I am; the records have been lost. I have some vague impressions of my parents, and I know they too were unicorns, but I can't remember their names. Isn't that funny?" A tear tracked down Celestia's cheek. "I just remember myself and Luna being packed off to magic boarding school and crying a lot."

Kumar watched silently as she wiped away the moisture. "You know, I don't generally get this emotional. This is quite an interesting sensation, but definitely best in moderation." Zecora giggled.

Your highness, that rhymed!
It helps, I have found,
if I write good ones down.
I hope you won't mind.

Harold blinked. "Zecora, did you just use an ABBA pattern? I've only ever heard you rhyme in AABB patterns before!"

Zecora shrugged and giggled, followed by Harold, Kumar and finally Celestia. Just then Twilight Sparkle flew over, having handed off the light show to Twinkleshine, an accomplished illusionist who proceeded to light up the sky with a fireworks show to the oohs and aahs of the still high audience while Octavia's orchestra played The Lunar Overture. She tried to land and bow at the same time but wound up landing in a giggling heap. "Oops! Hahahaha... What is wrong with me? Whatever it is, I like it!"

Celestia reached over with some magic and lifted Twilight into a more dignified position. "Twilight, I'd like you to meet some friends of Zecora's. They're called Ritters, and their names are Harold and Kumar. This is Princess Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship."

Harold and Kumar stood up to be able to bow, and Twilight's eye's bulged! "It's you! I mean, you're them! I mean, you're not actually them, just like them!" Harold and Kumar looked at each other with some alarm.

Harold gulped. "What do you mean, your highness? We just met you!"

Twilight nodded. "Yes, that's right! Just now! Heh, heh... I wonder if this is what it's like to be Pinkie Pie! Oh yeah... HEY GIRLS!" Twilight bellowed, startling Celestia out of her mellow doze. "C'MERE!" Then she looked at the confused humans with a slightly manic expression.

Applejack was the first to come over, having just shut up her empty food cart with a nice solid jingle from the bits drawer. "Oh, hi y'all, I'm sorry I was so rude before but ah've never seen so many hungry, hungry ponies at one time and in one place! Ah'm Applejack, but you can just call me AJ." She reached her hoof forward and Kumar and then Harold shook in turn, introducing themselves. "Hi Zecora! Where'd you meet these two?" Zecora just shrugged and giggled again. "Oh, you had a brownie too, huh? Ah think ah'll just stick with good ol' winter cider myself. Anyways, Big Mac said y'all wanted a look at the farm, so ah'll be happy to give you the grand tour tomorrow if y'all are up to it." The humans nodded and thanked her just as Rarity walked up.

"Hello, Twilight darling! Oh, Princess Celestia! Forgive my state, your highness, I'm afraid I just don't know what's come over me."

"Pinkie Pie spiked the brownies, Rarity!" AJ chuckled. "She didn't mean too though."

Rarity face showed dawning comprehension. "So that's what's been going on! Twilight darling, that light show you gave was incredible! And I have to say I've never heard better music!" Then Harold and Kumar caught her eye. "Well, hello!" Introductions were finishing just as a cloud floated overheard and two pegasi rolled out of it, gently flopping down to the ground.

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy nodded dreamily to Princess Celestia and then looked at Twilight. The Wonderbolt Reservist spoke first. "So, what is it, like, do we need to defeat a bad guy or something? Because. That. Would. Be. Awesome!"

"Oh Dashie, I'm sure Twilight just wanted to introduce us to her friends here. Whatever they are." Fluttershy smiled an extremely mellow and relaxed smile and all the parties were introduced yet again.

Twilight looked around, the flew up. "Pinkie Pie? Pinkie Pie!" She flew back down again. "Has anypony seen Pinkie Pie?"

Fluttershy spoke up first. "I saw her sitting on the north side of the courtyard. Looking at her hooves, I think."

"Say, how many brownies do you think Pinkie Pie ate?" Kumar had a dazed and concerned look upon his face.

"Ah'd say she at at least four that ah saw." Kumar put his palm to his face as AJ spoke.

"We have to go get her. She's probably tripping. Princess Twilight, we really need to check her out. I think she may have overdosed."

Celestia broke in. "Overdosed? I thought you said this was safe."

"Well, she won't die from it, but she may freak out if she isn't brought back carefully. She may have some difficulty returning to reality after eating that much."

Rainbow Dash chuckled. "Return to reality? I don't think she's ever been there in the first place!"

Celestia nodded and rose to her hooves, and the group started to head north to where Pinkie had been seen. After a few minutes, the giggling royal progress found Pinkie Pie staring at her hooves with intense concentration.

Twilight flew, somewhat unsteadily, over to Pinkie. "Hey, are you alright?" Pinkie turned and looked at Twilight, her eyes huge and round.

"Twilight, have you ever looked at your hooves? I mean really looked at your hooves?" Pinkie's pupils were fully dilated and she was sweating. "If you look closely, you can see a million tiny hooves all along the surface of your hoof. And if you look reeeeeally closely, you can see that on each of those tiny hooves, there's a million more tiny hooves! I'm trying to see how far down it goes!"

Twilight stared at Pinkie's hooves. "Whoa." She sat there looking at Pinkie's hoof for a minute, not saying anything until Celestia cleared her throat. "Oh, yeah. Pinkie, we've got some new friends for you to meet."

"Friends? Friends!!" Pinkie's friendship reflex kicked in; her examination of the fractals of the hoof cuticle coming to an end as she jumped six feet straight up and screamed, "FRIENDS!" her eyes bugging out, her hair bugging out, and her legs bugging out. She paused, suspended in mid-air for a few seconds as her eyes slowly rotated to focus on Harold and Kumar who were shrinking back, genuinely frightened by the apparition. The ponies just stared, dumbfounded.

"Reality..." snorted Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie exploded in the direction of Harold and Kumar, knocking them down and landing with a hoof planted in the middle of each one's chest. "FRIENDS!!!" she roared, her mouth yawning in their faces as a hurricane force wind of love and tolerance blasted their faces with sweet brownie breath. She looked down, smiling, at her helpless prey.

"Hey Twilight, it's those creatures! Oh boy! Now you can tell me who you are and how you got here and what you're doing here and how they fit so many penises in one vagina and we can be friends! Yes!" The ponies looked on in stunned amazement while the humans struggled for breath, pinned down by a tripping friendship fiend.

Twilight was the first to recover. "Thanks for reminding me, Pinkie. Princess Celestia, Pinkie found these in the Everfree Forest. I think they're pages from an illustrated Ritter biology textbook. Take a look everypony!" She proceeded to distribute the glossy pages to all assembled.

Celestia gasped and turned bright pink. Fluttershy took one look and hit the ground with a squeak, trying to hide her fierce blushing under a blade of grass. Applejack's mouth dropped open and she stared at Twilight. Rarity regarded the picture before her in frozen, horrified shock and Rainbow Dash started laughing hysterically. Pinkie continued to terrify the incapacitated humans with her happy predator gaze as Zecora looked the the page, then at Harold, then back at the page, then back at Harold.

Between laughing fits, Rainbow Dash managed to choke out a few words. "Twilight, you incredible nerd! HAHAHAHA! That's not a textbook! PFFFFTT!!! It's a hoof-off mag! HOHOHOHAHAHA!"

Twilight just looked disappointed. "Oh. I was hoping to glean some insight into the Ritter language by translating the text associated with the pictures."

"Well, unless you think the words 'pizza delivery colt' and 'oh baby, do me' have a deep cultural significance..." Rainbow Dash fell down, helplessly rolling around with fresh paroxysms of laughter. Then Zecora started to chuckle, followed by Celestia and Applejack, and eventually everypony was laughing except Pinkie and the hapless humans.

Pinkie Pie leaned in close to Kumar's face and said "So just how did they fit all those penises in one vagina anyway?"

The laughter continued throughout the night.