Harold and Kumar Go to Equestria

Neil Patrick Harris was used to driving cross-country, though usually he had a sufficient stash of psychedelic mushrooms to sustain him for the mind-numbing Interstate 10 experience. This time, however, his two passengers had managed to help him go through his stash before they even got through Oklahoma. Only the though of warm, wet, welcoming, west-coast wagina got him through. That and a quarter ounce of Equestrian Primo, rolled up expertly by Silent Bob into hourly doobies. By the time the Texas State Trooper waiting behind the "Welcome to Anthony County, Y'all!" billboard clocked them doing 102 at two in the morning, the car interior was so thick with smoke that Jay could have sold the air by the slice.

"Blue lights in the rear-view are just an autograph stop boys, don't sweat it." Neil slowed down and pulled over as Jay and Silent Bob frantically rolled down the windows and tried to shoo the fragrant smoke from the vehicle.

The trooper waited behind them for the customary thirty seconds before emerging. Now, in Texas, there is a well known unwritten regulation that state troopers be at least 6'4 with shoulders that are half the width of their car. As the gorilla that emerged from the police car unfolded himself and advanced upon his prey, somewhere an NBA scout was crying. His brown round blotted out the stars and his eyes gleamed with hatred of all that is unlawful and fun. A kleig light blazed in his hand, dazzling the trio, and the earth shook as he strode across the landscape like a thing out of legend.

He reached the driver's side door and bent down to blind Neil Patrick Harris with 20,000 watts of photonic dismemberment. "License, registration and insurance," said a voice that may have been plucked out of the Russian National Choir's bass section, except for the Texas in it. Neil slowly reached into his pocket for his wallet, removed the license, and then took his registration and insurance card from the visor, and handed the three to the officer. He then looked up, squinting expectantly. Perhaps the minion of the law wasn't able to recognize him in the glare of a thousand suns, but he would surely recognize the name from the license.

If the trooper did, he gave no sign as he took the documents back to his car. They waited several minutes in fidgety silence while the officer ran his plates, and returned. "Everything seems to be in order, Mr. Harris. You have no outstanding warrants, though you have some interesting priors, ah must say. Do y'all know how fast you were going?"

Doesn't this guy know who I am? Neil started to sweat slightly. "Oh, um, sorry sir, I've got an audition in LA in two days and we got stuck in a traffic jam east of Dallas. Just trying to make up lost time."

"Well, normally ah'd let you off with a warning, but ah think mah olfactory senses are giving me probable cause to ask you to step out of the car and take a sobriety test. Please get out of the car, suh."

"Hey officer, we just hit a skunk a few miles back, is all," Jay broke in, smiling and bobbing his head.

"Was ah speaking to you boy?" The car rocked with the force of the officer's basso profundo. His glare burned like justice as he visually pinned Jay against the inside of the car door. "This is Texas, son. Keep yoah mouth shut or ah maht jest shoot y'all." Jay swallowed and cringed appropriately. Silent Bob sat like a statue, hoping the trooper wouldn't see him. "Now please step on out of the car, suh."

Neil complied and found himself eye-to-eye with the troopers third button. "Suh, ah observe that you have bloodshot eyes and a dazed affect, indicative of marijuana intoxication. Furthermore, you fairly reek of," the officer sniffed, "an exotic, probably Hawaiian." Neil was getting the distinct feeling that this was not going to end well. "Suh, I ask your permission to search your vehicle."

Neil sighed. "You are very polite to ask, officer, but what if I say no?"

"You have that right suh, and in that case, I will arrest you for driving under the influence of marijuana and get a warrant to search your car and ah'll have a K-9 unit come out here and we'll have us a good-ol' time!" Enormous teeth shone from under a regulation black mustache.

"We'll be OK as long as he doesn't look in the trunk, Neil!" yelled Jay helpfully from the car. Silent Bob swatted him on the back of the head.

The trooper gave Jay the eye then turned back to Neil. "Where'd you find that boy, anyway?"

"Central casting." Neil shrugged. "Needed a slacker type. So... the trunk?"

The trooper nodded. "Yep." Neil walked dejectedly to the trunk and popped it open. The giant bent low enough to look.

"What the hell is all this?" Boxes and boxes of oranges filled the trunk to bursting. "Ya'll are bringin' oranges to California? Shee-it!" The trooper reached in and took one out. "What are you up to, boy? You got something under all this? Empty that trunk. Hey you two, get on out here and start unloading!" Jay and Silent Bob climbed out of the car, went back to the trunk, and started unloading boxes of oranges, putting them down on the shoulder of the road.

When everything was offloaded, the trooper removed his huge hat and scratched his head. "Ah'll be. That's all ya'll got back there. Oranges, jumper cables, the spare and a jack." He eyed one of the oranges.

"I just really love oranges, officer." Neil smiled, bent over and picked one up. "Want one?"

"Yeah, thanks... but I still have to run ya'll in. Ya'll as high as hell." Neil shrugged and nodded as the trooper split the orange open with a nail and bit into the juicy pulp, finishing the whole thing in four bites. Jay held out his hand and the trooper absently handed him the rind. "Ah got the feelin' somethin' is goin' on here. This jest don't add up."

"Actually, officer, we are drug offenders, but we are harmless and non-violent. Are you sure you have to bust us?" Neil gave Jay a sidelong glance.

"Just doin' mah job, boys. Ya'll assume the position, like in the movies, alright?"

The three turned to the car and spread their hands and legs, leaning against the side. Then Jay whispered to the orange rind in his hand, "Smoochie boochies."

He let the ziplock bag blow away into the night.

______

They wound up taking the trooper's gun away and stowing it in the glove box, after handcuffing him to the wheel of his car for his own safety. He grinned, looking around at whatever it is one sees when one eats an ounce of Equestria's Best all at once. Whatever it was, it was entertaining as hell, from the giggling sounds he was making.

A quick call to Twilight and she starting smoothing things over with the Texas State Police computer system. In the past month, she had become a frighteningly good hacker. A few transposed numbers in the driver's license table of the database, a misspelled name here, a changed car description there, and tracks had been covered. The trooper would be able to reach his radio to call for help in a few hours when he was lucid, but for now he was staring at the stars through his windshield in awestruck wonder.

The trio loaded their cargo back into the car trunk and made tracks for Cali, while the state trooper looked at the funky universe unfolding before him.

______

"Now just be cool, you two." Neil was speaking to both of them, but gave Jay a hard look.

"What?" Jay feigned shock and dismay. Bob shrugged expansively. Then they got out of the car, Jay sticking an orange into his jacket pocket with a pack of papers and a lighter. Then they walked to the door.

Neil buzzed twice, then three times, and then once. "Jennifer is at a shoot and the nanny has the kids, so he's here."

They waited a few seconds, then the buzzer sounded. Neil opened the door and walked in, his retinue in tow.

"Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in!" Ben Affleck frowned at Neil Patrick Harris angrily. "I thought I told you never to come back here!"

"Ben, Ben, you know that was all a misunderstanding..."

"No, that was all a producer's daughter in a coat room and my dog... really? My fucking dog?" Affleck didn't even notice Jay smiling and nodding, nor Silent Bob's scandalized expression.

"I told you Hayley was a freak..." Neil grinned. "Totally her idea. But you will forgive me, I promise."

"I will, huh? Why the fuck should I forgive you, you sick bastard?"

Neil snapped his fingers. Jay kept grinning like an idiot for several seconds until Silent Bob nudged him in the ribs. "Oh yeah. Man, for a fat boy, you got sharp elbows!" Bob glowered as Jay reached into his pocket and intoned "Snoochie boochies!" His hand withdrew a ziplock bag brimming with the good stuff. Affleck tilted his head and held out his hand, palm up. Jay dropped the illicit substance and the actor pursed his lips as he inspected the goods.

"Not bad, not bad..." he said, pursing his lips. Then he looked at Jay and Silent Bob. "Say, do I know you guys?" Jay grinned like an idiot and Bob shrugged. "Nah, must be someone else. This looks like pretty good shit. And there's a drought, you know. Good Hawaiian like this is rather hard to come by. It's a nice gesture, Neil."

"Oh, my friend, it is more than a nice gesture. Let us smoke and you will see what I mean..."

______

About an hour later as the three lounged in the living room of the converted loft, listening to the traffic of downtown LA. "I never realized the musical quality of car horns before." Ben stared up at the ceiling, his head resting on the back of the leather couch. "I mean, it's almost like listening to a tonal rainstorm. There's a rhythm to it..." Jay sat staring slack jawed at a wall while Neil made faces at Silent Bob, who was snapping pictures of the interior of the room with his phone and texting them somewhere. "So what do you call this stuff?"

Niel paused in his shenanigans to answer. "We want to use the street name, Twilight Sparkle."

"Huh. Good name. Man... I'm so high right now. But seriously, tell me where it comes from."

Jay grinned. "Dude, it comes from magic pony shit."

Affleck chucked. "Get the fuck out of here, man. I mean, tell me we're not talking about cartels and shit."

Neil shook his head. "Nah, this is as safe as it gets. Nobody can know where it comes from though."

"Harris, you want me to finance and promote a fucking film studio in New Jersey with no questions asked in return for a pound of this admittedly superb, mysterious ganja from fucking magic pony shit, every month the studio is in operation. I'm high, but nobody gets that high. Where the hell does it come from?"

Jay looked at Bob. "You finished sending her the pics yet, you tubby stoner fuck?" Silent Bob nodded.

Neil stood up. "Ben, this is where I have to ask you, do you want the red pill or the blue pill?"

Ben grinned back at him. "Can I have both? And how are you even standing?"

Neil walked to the center of the room, taking out his phone. "A long history of functioning under a wide variety of influences. Gentlemen, could you please open up the app she wrote?" Jay and Bob clicked on their phones. "Now place your phones on the floor like we practiced." They put their phones on the carpet, standing on edge and facing the center at 120 degree intervals, roughly two meters apart. "Good thing you have a big place here, Ben."

"Guys, seriously, what the fuck?" Ben stared at the trio as Bob made some final adjustments, then a chime sounded.

Neil backed up. "Make some room, fellas. Shit's about to get interesting." The others complied. Ben stared in confusion, and then there was a flash of light that seemed to consist of a sphere at the focus of the phones that grew to about a meter and a half in diameter.

"FUCK ME!" Ben Affleck shouted as he blinked away the afterimages. A lavender alicorn now occupied the middle of his living room.

Twilight Sparkle looked around the room and shook her mane, spreading her wings and stretching. "That was a really long teleport! I had to bounce off a comsat! Oh, gosh, forgive my manners! You're Ben Affleck! Wow, I really liked Argo! You totally deserved a nomination for Best Director!"

The actor, director and Hollywood mogul fainted dead away.