Harold and Kumar Go to Equestria

Celestia had stationed guards outside of the Cliffside Complex, so when Harold came out the door in his Star Trek uniform, he was stopped. When one of the unicorns shone a light with his horn, they recognized and greeted him. "Any chance I can get an escort to Zecora's Tree?" he asked.

"You mean inside the forest? At night?" The guard lieutenant laughed. "I don't think any of my soldiers are stupid enough for that, Harold Lee. You probably want to wait a few hours until sunrise. Then we'll take you."

Harold sighed, then looked up as Princess Luna was swooping down from the sky. The lieutenant called his guards to attention and snapped off a crisp salute that she returned with a wingtip. "Harold! It is good to see thee! Tell us, doth Kumar also plan to sally forth?"

"Oh, hello, your highness!" He bowed properly. "I'm sorry, he asked to come but I asked first and Twilight could only let one of us go."

Her face fell, but she her eyes still smiled. "But he did ask to come see us?"

"He was very disappointed that he could not."

"Then we must see him! Ah, but Harold, why hast thou not... oh. The night in the Everfree is full of terrors, yes. Fear not, we shall wing thee to thy beloved. Alight upon our back, good human; we will bear thy weight."

Harold had never ridden a horse before, much less bareback, much less flew on one, at night, but he didn't hesitate. He leapt up on her back, tucked his knees behind her wings, then leaned forward, putting his head on her neck. "I'm ready, your highness!"

"Harold, we will hold thee fast with magic, thou mayest sit up and enjoy the ride."

"Oh!" He sat up and she plunged powerfully with her wings while her horn glowed and his legs and lower back were embraced by her power. It was exhilarating, and terrifying as the ground fell almost silently away, the only lights in the world, the moon, stars, and the soft blue glow of magic. Even that fantastic ride in the chariot paled in comparison to the ecstasy of freedom he felt as the stars surrounded him and the moon painted the landscape with a faint silver brush. "This is amazing! The night is so beautiful!"

Luna was silent for a moment. "Thank you, Harold. Dost thou... do you mean that?" She turned and looked at him over her shoulder, the deep space of her mane making it seem like she was peeking around a corner of the universe. He could see in the light of her sorcery that her eyes were soft; she seemed somehow vulnerable, even though she carried him like he was a baby.

"It is magnificent, Princess Luna. It's privilege to see your world like this." He smiled, looking into her eyes, then looked up and all around, trying to take it all in. "It's like swimming in a sea of diamonds."

"Harold! You are a bit of a poet! Kumar would never say something like that!" Her smile was radiant.

"What would he say, Princess?"

"He'd say, 'Slap my ass and tell me I've been naughty!'" They both laughed as she slowed and spiraled into a clearing where warm light from the windows of Zecora's tree painted the floor of the forest a flickering copper.

"Well, your highness, have you ever taken him flying at night?"

She landed, and released him from the magical hold. "No, and I'd like you to call me Luna from now on, Harold. You're a good friend. Perhaps tonight when I see him, I'll offer him a different sort of nocturnal diversion."

"Well, I wouldn't want to be a cockblocker, mind you, Princess Luna."

She laughed out loud at that. "You wouldn't necessarily be. Tell me, what do you know of the mating habits of thestr... Oh! 'Tis Zecora!"

The zebra heard them come down and rushed out the door.

Harold, you're here! My love's arrived.
Princess, my thanks you have for this!
An Everfree night, and you survived!
Embrace me my love; your lips I'll kiss!

Harold swept her into his arms and kissed her deeply, running his fingers through her mane, as Luna backed away, smiling, and launched herself into the night.

When he broke the kiss, Harold asked, "Why didn't you just come with the other girls if you wanted to see me."

Zecora reached her hoof to stroke Harold's cheek.

I've missed you so my sweet,
I would have come my love, I swear,
to kiss your hands and feet,
but for the burden that I bear.

"What? Does this have something to do with your curse?"

I'll not cross over, 'til I know,
if danger there will be,
to that which in me now does grow,
the child of you and me.

***

Flesh. Five girls worth of naked, nubile, supple deliciousness, all jiggly, and off-balance, punctuated by knees, elbows and shocked expressions.

One human girl stood right before Kumar; a slender, willowy Asian with sapphire curls and eyes to match, sporting cheekbones that fashion magazines would go to war over. She waved her arms and looked like she was about to topple, her small breasts moving in counterpoint to the rest of her fair and apparently waxed torso. Next to her stood a compact, small-breasted Hispanic gymnast with a shock of rainbow colored hair; make that two shocks. She was looking with something like disgust at her hands and trying to flex her shoulders. Behind them, loomed a broad-shouldered, corn-fed, tanned, freckled, All-American blonde Amazon, staring her own magnificent coral-nippled breasts in astonishment. A crazed, freckled Irish girl with really big hot pink hair reeled through the crowd as she tried to gain her balance, nearly tripping over the last, a dusky young woman who squatted on the floor, blushing furiously and covering herself with her long, light violet hair, green eyes looking out from an exotic face that could be African, or maybe Arabic. No Indians? Really Twilight?

Kumar wasn't really complaining. He had never seen this many naked women in one place at one time, at least not in real life, and he was drinking in the view. The Asian girl started to topple, so he reached out to catch her as she shrieked in a high-pitched wail.

"Rarity! Are you alright?"

"Oh, thank you dah-LIIING!" Pinkie Pie had doubled back and this time tripped over the terrified Fluttershy, cartwheeled into Applejack with a wheeeee, causing the top-heavy six footer to lose her balance, stumble into Rainbow Dash who was pointlessly trying to fly up out of this mess, resulting in her caroming into Rarity. A silence settled over the room, with Kumar finding himself at the bottom of a pile of naked, beautiful, dazed and confused girls.

Rarity was straddling him; she moaned, though it was from the weight of all the others pressing down on them, not to any arousal. He hoped. Sort of. She opened her eyes and looked at him, then smiled. "Oh! Hello Kumar." The mass above her squirmed, causing her to rub up and down and down, her nude body pressed against his form fitting Starfleet issued polyester. "Oh! Oh, goodness! I didn't read about this in the briefing!"

Kumar was sweating bullets, simultaneously crushed, aroused and uncomfortable with the sight of his pony friends suddenly transformed into a host of sex objects that would be suitable for the masturbatory fantasies of the most degenerate consumers of fan fiction. Then again, that was also the case before their transformation.

Pinkie rolled out of the writhing mass and wound up kneeling next to Kumar's head. She grinned like mad and looked down at her medium-sized, firm white breasts. "Oooh! What are these for?" she asked as she plucked and twiddled her pink nipples with her fingers.

"Pinkie! Not helping!" Kumar tore his eyes from the sight, his eyes landing on Rarity, as her face was only about six inches away from his. Her cheeks had reddened and her eyes were unfocused. "Rarity! Are you alright?"

"Kumar, the fabric of this costume is utterly atrocious."

"It's polyester, Rarity, just like the original series. Twilight insisted on authenticity."

Her lips twisted in a sneer. "You must remove it at once! I will not tolerate such an authentic atrocity in my presence! These must be re-done en soie! Gah! These stripes aren't even lamé! Is this actually glitter?"

"Rarity, I'm not taking my clothes off!"

"Oh darling, I see the problem. You're trapped! But the unacceptable fabric of these trousers is touching the delicate skin of my inner thighs, and that will..." Her forehead lit up where her invisible horn was glowing white. "Simply." She glared at the offending blue and the synthetic fabric started to disintegrate. "Not." She lowered her gaze to his pants as his eyes begged her to stop. "Do." The black cloth was annihilated.

Twilight walked through the stumbling, writhing, naked mass, clipboard at the ready. "Rarity? Are you mating with Kumar?"

"I don't think so. But apparently, that was not something in his pocket after all."

"Oh, then perhaps this is a good opportunity. He's receptive and I've been hoping to observe human mating behavior directly. Other than Jay mastrubating. I have a more than sufficient sample of that particular subject. But I get the impression that the scenarios portrayed on internet websites are not realistic depictions. So in the interest of science, would you?"

"Well, I mean, if it's for science, darling..."

"This is NOT realistic!" screamed Kumar.

***

Harold looked up at Zecora as she cradled his head in her forelegs, stroking his hair. "Oh, hey Zee! I just had the craziest dream. I was cosplaying Star Trek with Twilight Sparkle, then Luna took me on this mind blowing night flight, and then you told me you were pregnant with our child."

He looked down at his Starfleet uniform, screamed, and fainted again.

***

An instant before the Least Worst Possible Thing happened to Kumar, the writhing pile of bodies glowed a deep midnight blue and the naked girls were lifted off and moved to the side, revealing princess Luna, recently arrived and untransformed. She scowled at Rarity and Kumar.

"FORSOOTH! WHAT PASSETH HERE? HAST THOU NO SHAME!?" The Royal Canterlot Voice reverberated in the room, buffeting all and sundry with the heat of righteous indignation.

Rarity was the first to recover. She turned and dimpled at Luna, still straddling Kumar. "Princess Luna, how delightful to see you! You see, Kumar here had the most ghastly ensemble-"

"SILENCE, THOU SLATTERN!"

"Luna, this isn't what it looks like!" Kumar tried to wiggle his way out from under Rarity but only managed to make her giggle.

" PRINCESS TWILIGHT? WHAT DOTH THIS LOOK LIKE?"

"Oh! Well you see Luna, I have been conducting a study of human internet pornography, and I wanted Rarity and Kumar to act as part of the control samp-"

"ENOUGH!!!" Luna's mane waved in the ethereal breeze, her eyes glowing white hot. "KUMAR! YOU HAVE BEEN A VERY, VERY BAD COLT!"

"Ye-ye-yes... mistress?"

The outraged princess glowed and her body contorted, her face flattening, her posture growing more erect, her skin darkening to midnight. Bat wings flared from her shoulderblades as she ground white teeth equipped with gleaming canines. Slitted eyes narrowed in rage as forked red tongue licked the royal lips. "YOU HAVE BEEN NAUGHTY!"

Rarity attempted to scuttle away as the rest of the girls shivered, with the exception of Twilight who was furiously taking notes.

"YOU! FASHION WENCH! ADORN US APPROPRIATELY!"

Rarity perked up as her forehead glowed, the darkness of spacetime itself stretching into fabrics that seemed to drink in all light and warmth as they covered the resplendent pre-reform Luna with bustier, thigh high stiletto boots and a peaked cap decorated with a silver crescent moon. Panties seemingly made from interstellar gas formed and the outfit was finished with silver and deep blue accents. The final accessory, a riding crop, materialized in her fingers as she slapped it across her palm.

"MIRROR!"

"Of course, your highness!" Rarity concentrated and a mirror detached itself from the wall.

It floated over to Luna. She smiled, made some faces, and turned to examine her buttocks. "Oh, very nice Rarity. Could you put Kumar in something nice? And, um... you too? Twilight, do you happen to have a sexy dungeon?"

"A sexy dungeon... no?" She frowned as kinky couture magic swirled around Rarity and the hapless Kumar. "An oversight. We'll have one put in during phase two. But we have the Captain's Quarters!" She pointed at a sliding door. "I mean, it's really more like a library, I guess."

"IT WILL HAVE TO DO! COME, SLAVES! ATTEND YOUR QUEEN! You too, Twilight, in case you want to take notes." Luna walked away imperiously, followed by Rarity in a white latex bodysuit decorated with precious gems. She led a fully gimped-out Kumar on a leash as he crawled behind, bemoaning his horrible fate.

Twilight bounced to the console in the throes of a research-driven endorphin rush, and pushed a button, which activated a screen on the wall. It showed a library with a bed in the middle of it. "In case you guys want to take notes!" Then she bounced back and caught up with the other three.

Rarity turned and her head glowed. Twilight's Captain's uniform disintegrated and was replaced with a sexy nurse outfit.

Twilight gasped, clutching her clipboard to her overexposed bosom. "Hey! I'm not in Medical branch, I'm in Command!"

Luna turned and smiled beatifically. "You're not in Command, Twilight. Be a good girl and get the door."

***

"How is this even possible? I mean, I'm in love with you, obviously, but I'm so confused!"

I knew not that humans and zebras could breed.
In the making of potions, a shaman's so knowledgy,
but somehow, within me, our love's taken seed.
For the magic of friendship confounds all biology.

Harold sat up and put his arms around her, and they sat within her sweet-smelling tree, content and happy.

***

Rainbow Dash stared at the screen in horror. Applejack winced. Fluttershy had found some drapes to cover herself, and cowered on the floor, covering her face with her hands. And occasionally peeking between her fingers.

Pinkie grinned from ear to ear and put a plate of snacks on the console. "Oooh! I didn't realize Luna was so inventive!"

Rainbow Dash and Applejack both glared at her, then returned their eyes to the screen, unable to tear themselves away from the depraved scene. A blue-black flash lit up their faces. "What in tarnation?!" Applejack's mouth hung open while Rainbow Dash covered her own.

Fluttershy whispered something, causing Applejack to turn. "You say somethin', sugarcube?"

"I've been watching some human anime, and that's called futa." She cringed as screaming came through the screen speaker. "Why won't he say his safe word?"

"What's a safe word?" AJ scratched her head.

There were two more flashes. "What the?!" Rainbow Dash shivered. "I'll never be able to unsee this!"

There was another cry of despair, and Pinkie grinned widely. "Oo-wooh! So that's how you fit three penises inside! But I don't think that's a vagina!"