The Science Chronicles

“Well, it may have taken while, but we’re finally here!” Twilight pointed out obviously, while knocking on Rarity’s front door.

The door was slammed open, and a monstrous, white beast stood in the doorway baring an array of sharp, un-taken-care-of teeth without braces. It wore its dark purple mane in a slightly annoying way — as if it wanted to tell viewers that it was richer than them, or, perhaps, more fashionable.

“Hey, Rarity,” greeted Twilight.

“Hello, darling! It’s been a little while since I saw you last time! How did you get here?” Rarity responded in a deep, reverberating tone.

“I rode an Applejack horse.”

“Fair enough. Come inside so we can keep the Dark Ones™ out.” Rarity gripped Twilight around the neck with her horrible jaws of death and dragged her inside before slamming the door shut with such ferocity that it should have killed Twilight. But, for the sake of the story, it didn’t.

“Huh? Dark Ones™? What are they?” inquired Twilight.

“Let’s just say they’re beasts who lurk around this town at night time. You don’t ever want to be touched by them, or you could catch some sort of retrovirus.”

“A retrovirus? How bizarre! What do the Dark Ones™ look like?”

“In general, a Dark One is any creature with a 32-bit lightness of at most 1/85. When it approaches night time, more and more creatures lose brightness equivalent to that which classifies them as a Dark One™,” Rarity explained. “It’s a simple phenomenon, really, but most ponies don’t understand it. I am one of the few who do…”

“こんにちわ! May I have some salt, please?” a dark brown pony outside a window asked.

Rarity’s voice took on an almost desperate tone, and she screeched, “EeeeaaahhHHHH!!!! COME BACK IN THE MORNING! I WILL NEVER LET YOUR KIND ENTER AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT!”

Twilight felt it was her turn to talk to her racist friend. “But… Rarity, he’s just a brown stallion. Nothing to be afraid of, see?” Twilight walked over to the door, opened it and invited the stallion in.

“Twilight, NO!” Rarity shouted. The stallion immediately leapt onto Twilight and sunk his teeth into her hide. The first thing she noticed was the huge array of colourful waves in the sky, as well as all over the boutique. “Twilight… no…”

* * *

Twilight could see a white space with a pink blur and a giant, slightly less white, monstrous blurry form over her. Slowly, they came into focus and revealed themselves to be a huge pink rabbit and a giant white machine gun.

“Awww, YEAH!” Twilight leapt up out of her Formula 1-styled bed and grabbed the machine gun with her hooves. The big pink rabbit just sat there and laughed goofily, kind of like a stereotypical horror clown, while Twilight shot millions of rainbow-coloured streaks at a bunch of stars and star-shaped bombs moving in an almost militaristic way.

“Wheeee!!!” Every star she hit burst into a spider-model firework explosion and every star shaped bomb blasted out five lasers which spread out evenly, each of which had the same effect as Twilight’s rainbow bullets on the stars.

It was truly a terrifying sight.

“DIE, STARS!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!”

“… stop… stop it… STOP IT!”

* * *

“Hebewebehwooble?” asked Twilight.

“Twilight, get your hoof out of my butt!”

“Aww, what? But I thought you were a machine gun! Come on, turn back into one!”

*smack*

After a few seconds, Twilight realised she had been struck to the face, and her hoof had been removed from Rarity’s behind. Rarity still wasn’t a machine gun, but now, Twilight had learned to accept that.

“I WAS CERTAIN THAT I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH THE DARK ONES™!!!”

“Well, yeah, but—”

“Do you see what I mean by retrovirus?”

“Well, yeah, but—”

“DO YOU?”

“Well, yeah…”

“Good.” Rarity sat down and turned her nose up. She hadn’t stopped turning her nose up, however, so she kept tilting her head back. She stood back up again so that she could show exactly the amount of condescension she wished, by leaning back on her hind legs and holding her head so far back that it was completely upside-down.

“Oooh, Twilight! Look how condescending she is! I’ve never seen her like this before!”

“Yeah, I know. That’s pretty… condescending…” Twilight tossed her mane restlessly. “Say, Rarity… would you like a pair of proper wings like mine?”

Rarity returned her vision to Twilight so quickly that she smashed her monstrous jaw on the floor, shattering it irreparably. “YES. YESYESYESYESYESSSSSS!!! YESYESYES! Give it to me nooooooowwwwww!!!”

“Alrighty then. I’m going to try this in a matter of seconds, rather than 28 years this time.” Twilight lit up her horn, still charged from all of the noise earlier, and fired it at Rarity. Since she wasn’t looking where she hit her, the beam of magic hit Rarity square in the face, right between the eyes.

“Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!” Rarity thanked.

“No problem,” said Pinkie, for some reason.

“So… when are the wings going to—AGH!” Two fully grown wings flew out of Rarity’s eye sockets, penetrating her eyes from behind. From the front, her eyes appeared to bulge slightly, causing her to scream, then bunches of feathers sprouted out from the pupils, obliterating them completely. “AAAAEEEHHHH!!!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO MEEEE??!!!” Rarity cried.

Twilight attempted to console Rarity. “Hey, look on the bright side. At least you can fly now. Or… wait, you don’t have eyes, so maybe you can’t look anywhere. Oh well. It was nice knowing you!”

The wings had not stopped growing, however. From almost every square inch of her body’s surface, at least one wing had appeared, although the more recent ones were utterly deformed, taking on the shape of dead trees growing rapidly more than wings. As her flesh was torn apart, Rarity passed out, still crying in her unconscious state, while the bones she had always had split and shattered in every place imaginable. Her liver became visible on the left side of her torso, skewered on one of the new “wings”, and, on the right side, her intestines were being displayed, held on various emitted bones and bone fragments. Rarity’s skull cracked open, allowing more wings to grow out around her brain, forming a crown-like shape. Finally, at the base of Rarity’s neck, whereon her head had been snapped back by the immense force of the growth, the muscles were split and torn asunder, then the skin, and her still-beating heart was forced out by even more bones, beating exponentially faster for endless seconds, before finally coming to a rest. Blood poured out of every newly-created orifice, coating the floor in a nightmarish medium of redness.

“Well, Pinkie, it looks like it’s about time to get moving. See you later, Rarity!”

“Bye, Rarity! Twilight, let’s go to see the Rainbow Dash next.”