Rejected

Rejected – The other end of the train

Still being a little in shock, I’m rooted to the same spot in the main hall of the library where I stood when she ran off, staring at the opened door. Regrets are occupying my mind.

She asked for a sincere answer and I wanted nothing else than give to it to her. Of course it took me quite some time to figure out the right words to say, to find a way to explain things how they are and her pacing, not to say her unspoken hustle, wasn’t helping at all. But I can understand her. I know these minutes must’ve been a sheer torture for her. When I finally started talking, I hoped that she’d let me finish speaking out at least, but as soon as the first phrase hesitantly left my mouth, she made a run for it. It certainly wasn’t the kind of answer she hoped for.

Of course I wanted to follow her, but for some reason I couldn’t. My shaking hooves wouldn’t move and still seem to be numb, useless resting in place. I didn’t expect the whole situation to turn out like this. Actually, it is the worst possible scenario I could imagine. Even if she turned away quickly so that I couldn’t see her eyes, I could clearly sense how broken they were. The image of her storming out of the door is burning in my mind.

I probably should have taken another approach instead of just rocking the house with the first word I say. Her reaction still was impulsive, very impulsive. I didn’t know her like that. She’s otherwise so thoughtful, never rushing things like I do. Whenever a problem occurred in the past, she always stood her ground and solved it. She never ran away before. It must have hurt her really badly.

Some minutes have passed. Time is warped though. To me, it feels like hours, if not days that have passed by. A cool breeze pushes through the open door, strokes through my mane and sends a shiver runing through my whole body. It’s reminding me how cold it is outside. Within a blink my hooves suddenly start moving. Passing the hall-stand I quickly grab a scarf and run in the darkness as well. I was so stupid. How I could let this happen, let her just run away in a night like this? Spreading my wings I lift myself to the sky. No matter how far she’d run, I’ll find her.

What if I’d have said ‘Yes’? How would things have turned out? I could have done so, it’s actually the answer that would’ve really matched my feelings. But it wouldn’t have been fair. Not to me and especially not to her. Saying ‘Yes’ and two days later be gone for three months, how rude would’ve that been? Still, would it have hurt her more than saying ‘No’? I can understand her feelings, more than she might know, more than I might know myself. I wonder if she’s going to listen to my statement. I have to fix this. Quickly.

Scanning the streets from high above I’m searching for her. The falling snow is slowly soaking my wings, making them heavy. It takes me a lot of effort to flap them. Still, with every second I can’t spot her, I beat them harder and harder, passing my own limits. I’m in panic, feeling more than just guilty. If anything should happen to her, I could never possibly forgive myself. Ignoring my aching plumage and not even knowing if I’m flying in the right direction, I move on, soaring deeper into the dark sky.

All I hope – all I wish for is to find her and that she’s well. If she’d accept my arguments or the decision I made is secondary, as well as if she’d be able to forgive me. I don’t care about any of my dreams getting fulfilled, I could even deal with it if she hates me now; the only thing that counts for me is her being well.

Every second feels like an eternity. Minutes must’ve been passed, perhaps even half an hour. It’s cold, but I’m sweating heavier like never before. The strain on my wings is enormous, still not to comparable with the one lasting on my heart. Tears run down my face, getting lost in the endless seeming night as they leave it. I’m scared, the fear makes me almost cry. I’m already about giving up hope – I wouldn’t have stopped searching though – when I suddenly detect some fresh hoofprints in the snow. They must be hers. They have to be. No pony goes unsolicited outside in such a night. I follow them, track them down, as fast as I can.

A few seconds later I spot her lying on the ground besides a wall in one of the side streets. At first I’m terrified by the sight, already thinking she collapsed. A slight feeling of relief comes up as I see her breathing. With a hasty movement I go down, make a gentle landing a few meters from her. Exhausted from the flight I gasp for air. Wiping some remaining tears from my snout I slowly approach her, my hooves heavy as my heart. I don’t want to rush her, give her enough time to accept me being around.

“Twilight... you didn’t hear me out before running off.” I try to speak as soft as possible as I reach her. Even if I tried to suppress it as much as possible, there’s a lot of exasperation in my voice. She doesn’t look at me. I try to catch her view kneeing down in front of her, but it’s no help. Her only reaction is an obviously retained sob. I notice that she’s shivering. Quickly I remove the scarf from my neck, wrap it around hers and gently pull her into a tight embrace. When our bodies meet I realize how cold hers is. She’s clearly undercooled. Worries are rushing my mind. She must’ve been lying on the frozen ground for quite a while. With a strong beat I shake off the snow and most of the wetness from my wings and swath them around her, trying my best to give her some warmth. She shows no emotions, just sobs again, but permits it. I’m still glad about that.

“Hey... it’s alright,” I carefully whisper in one of her ears, trying to sooth her at least a little. Seeming almost like a broken doll ripped from her soul, she still shows no reaction at all, just keeps lying motionless in my hooves. My worries grow as much as guilt is overtaking my mind. After all, this is no other ponies’ fault than solely mine. Thinking about how to continue, I start softly stroking her back, between the blades of her shoulders, knowing how much she likes that. It’s painful to see her like that. Still, I’m sure that the sorrow I’m feeling is no match to hers. I wish I could rewind time and just undo all of this.

“Will you listen to me?” I try to push the conversation a little forward. After some seconds she finally looks up. Her usual violet sparkling orbs are bloodshot from crying, her view emotionless, almost dull. My heart cracks at the sight, I’m fighting with tears again. All of a sudden she stops sobbing and deeply looks into my eyes. It’s not easy to discern, but replying her view I clearly can account some little worries deep in hers as well. Is she concerned about me?

“Okay...” I somehow manage to say, a bit awkwardly, however have no clue how to continue. I can’t stop looking in her eyes. Even if they seem to be almost dead they’re still the most beautiful two violet orbs all of Equestria. I’m desperately scanning them for a little bit of hope, joy, pleasure – some kind of positive feelings. I can’t find any. A depressed sigh escapes my lips. “... and please don’t dash off this time, that’s my thing,” I complement, trying to break the ice. On second thought, what a stupid thing to say. Still, I force myself to smile. A little at least. Giving me a rather confused look – I can’t blame her for that – she nods again.

“Twilight... yes, I said ‘No’ and I know this isn’t the answer you hoped for.” I tighten my grip on her as I'm saying this. I won’t let her make another run, for nothing in the world. This time I’ll have her hearing me out, for sure. Realizing that she timidly moves in and leans a bit closer against my chest, I’m kind of relieved. Swallowing against my dry throat I carefully pick my next statement.

“But there is a reason for that and it has absolutely nothing to do with you,” I put all my sympathy for her in my words, trying to reassure her, however still speak with a heavy heart since it’s nothing else than the truth. It’s my fault and not hers, but she’s the one suffering most because of it. I really feel terrible as the phrases leave my mouth and I have my doubts that she wants to hear any kind of excuses, but it’s all I can do. It’s what I have to do.

“Starting Monday, I’ll be staying at the Wonderbolts academy for the next three months,” I explain, feeling a small ball form in my stomach as I do so. I most certainly won’t see her for three months. Three whole months. This thought alone hurts me a lot. For a short moment her eyes turn big and her expression is kind of a surprised one, but falters to despair again the following second. I know those three months won’t just be a hard time for me, but for her as well. Since I was always kind of independent and used to be on my own, it will probably be a lot worse for her than for me. That’s the whole point of the story. Binding some pony as attaching as her in a relationship I can’t come up to for such a long time wouldn’t be fair. Perhaps to me, somehow, but certainly not to her.

“Twilight... I never was in love before, but I definitely am now,” The words rather unexpectedly slip through my throat as emotions are overwhelming me. Even a tear or two are making their way down my cheeks. How embarrassing, crying about one’s own words. I tighten the embrace and her ears twitch a little. She feels a bit warmer too. Finally, there’re some reactions after all, taking a large burden from my heart and replacing it with damped joy. I take in a deep breath before I continue.

“I mean... you're the smartest pony I know, and the loveliest and most caring one too. What I want to say... I always enjoy the time we spend together and when being with you’ I feel well and safe because I know you’re there for me and would never oppose to take any kind of responsibility if needed,” I say with a lot more ease than I expected. A tiny sob makes its way through my throat, I sniffle to pull it back. She starts slightly quivering, her muscles unequivocally tensing for a short moment. I hope her circulation is well, fearing nothing more than her breaking down the next second. I have to be strong, for both of us, give her strength in this dark winter night.

“It’s just... I just don’t want to start a relationship, especially not with a pony as amazing as you are, with three months of separation... In fact, I’d really like to be your marefriend, but...” In my mind I change the statement about three times while talking, making it all awkward. Taking a short break to rethink how to put it, I notice her flushing, probably responding way too positive for what I actually want to say. I wish she’d say something, stop me from continuing at this point.

“So... I doubt that you–“

Within a blink I feel her hooves being wrapped around my neck and pulling me close. A split second later her snout meets mine. At first I’m kind of confused, then her tongue hasty invades my mouth, challenging mine to join a wild dance. Oh my gosh, now you’re talking Twilight.

It takes a while until our lips part again. I actually wouldn’t have mind if they kept locked together for the rest of our lives. Gasping for air like her, I look deep into violet sparkling eyes. There’s no sorrow, no pain, no fear left. All I can sense is pure pleasure and joy. I’m happy like never before. Her jaw drops slightly open. I waited for this moment for years. I imitate her movements and as we rehearsed this scene for a hundred of times, we speak in unison “I love you.”