The Minority Pony

Screw those thrice accursed minority groups. I can be a minority if I want to. I spend an hour reading the Book of Mormon, attempting to memorize quotes so I may show off my religious expertise later on and re-enter the church, falsely repentant. I research some spells and copy them down, to show Ivy Nightshade how dedicated I am. I cannot get kicked out of being an anarchist, so I just continue work on that pipe bomb I was making.

I also embellish my sombrero somewhat and make some nachos for lunch. Why yes, that is racial stereotyping. I care not. I like nachos. I also sign up for an online Spanish course, because everypony knows Rosetta Stone is, to use the colloquial expression, lame. I am already working for the mafia, although I am starting to wonder what is in the packages I am delivering. They smell horrible, yet very familiar. I cannot place the scent.

Although I am banned from Equestria Daily, I make it to a screening of Equestria Girls. Also, I am writing a detailed, rambling essay to be self published by me about how horrible liberals are, along with a similar one about conservatives. I plan for them to be published back to back, in a flip book. I also plan to hit ponies in the head with them. Book bashing. And my gay karaoke bar opens today. If anypony asks, I am lesbian.

I go in, light up my neon "open" sign, and then hang up a banner that says "Grand Opening: Karaoke Dokie's Singing Words On a Screen Bar (For Gay Ponies)!". And so, it is done. I shall have many customers. AND THIS STORY WILL FINALLY HAVE SOME EFFING DIALOGUE! And so, I trot into my karaoke bar and wait for some customers. My first customers are a pair of mares by the names of Snapdragon and Bamboo Shoot. They drink for about a half hour, strong liquor, too, until Snapdragon walks up to the karaoke machine and begins a drunken rendition of "Love Me Cheerilee". Bamboo Shoot giggles in an obnoxious high-pitched voice, and begins "Tubby Wubby Pony Waifu", motioning for Snapdragon to join her. Even though their voices are incredibly off key, and they keep pausing their singing to kiss sloppily, I cannot help but feel jealous of their love. I wish I had a marefriend.

A group of colts storms in, and they all drink hard cider and sing the cheesiest songs ever conceived by mankind. I felt like my ears were being sprayed with velveeta.

"Heh, Stormshadow, this is a damn good bar, don'cha think?" says a yellow earth pony. Stormshadow grins at him and says "You got a damn good face!". Then the yellow pony starts laughing, and I feel horrid for one reason or another. Then, the Ponyville weather team walks in. The entire Ponyville weather team, here for a drink. Do you perhaps know who is on the Ponyville weather team. I certainly do. RAINBOW DASH, THAT'S WHO! In my karaoke bar.

She orders a drink. Not the same one she ordered when she was with me, though. I think it is some kind of alcoholic punch. She drinks, and laughs with her friends. I do not usually swear, but right now I feel like SHIT. UTTER SHIT. Because I am jealous. These are just some mares, some stallions, but by virtue of having wings, they get to know Rainbow Dash. Why can I not be on the weather team? I could be her friend, maybe more! But I am not an effing pegasus! Why could I have not been a clone of somepony else? Perhaps Flitter, or Thunderlane. But no. I had to be Pinkie Pie. Ugh. But then my lamenting is interrupted by a hoof tap on my shoulder.

"Hey, Karaoke!" says the amazing Rainbow Dash, " you should totally sing something!" I start to shake my head, but I cannot say no to her earnest face. I just nod, get up and select my song, and commence singing.

The bizarre intro to the song begins, and then..."Pinkie has this feeling, deep inside of Pinkie, when you hold Pinkie in your arms so tight..." and it goes on, with Rainbow Dash blushing violently the whole time. She starts fumbling with the microphone, but she is unable to find a song she likes, so she just starts making one up on the spot.

"Uh... I don't know you that well, but you seem pretty cool. I guess I like you sort of, and you pretty much rule. I crashed into you, and I bought you a drink. That was the start of something, I think. Well, I went to your house, and I slept on your couch, and you didn't care when I puked on your floor. You're a really good friend even though I've barely even met you before..." and she sings. The song is not really very romantic, and not really very well written, but for the first time, I have a friend. Maybe someday, something more. I DO NOT CARE HOW SAPPY THAT SOUNDS! I CAN DESCRIBE MY LAME-ASS FRIENDY ROMANCE WHATEVER THING USING THE PROSE THAT IT PLEASES ME TO USE!