Top Pony

TOP PONY

An “Oh My Goddess, I’m Writing My Little Pony Fanfiction” Story

By Sentinel 28A

Eastern Ocean, Present Day

   The pegasus carrier Mustang of the Royal Equestrian Fleet Air Arm cruised through the wine-dark ocean, part of a battlegroup that patrolled the eastern borders of the lands of Equestria.  (Wine-dark? Really, ancient Greece?)  The sun shone low on the horizon, and dusk was not far away.  It was approaching the end of a long, and in the opinions of the pilots of Pegasus Air Group Ten, boring day.  Still, it was a necessary patrol.  Deep inland, Ponyville might have been serene and calm (if such words can be applied to any place Pinkie Pie lived), but on the frontiers, it was a tense time.  The fact that Ponyville was serene and calm, except for Pinkie Pie, was largely due to the efforts of the Royal Equestrian Fleet Air Arm, who guarded Princess Celestia’s borders.

   Attached to the top of the island structure was a rotating set of cup-shaped antennae, the SPS-40 Bat Ears radar system.  It sent out pulses of sound energy through the atmosphere.  For most of the day, except for the carrier’s Combat Air Patrol, it found nothing—but now, something showed up.  Deep inside the ship, in the Combat Information Center, on screens powered by magic (because there’s no other way to explain modern technology in a land of talking horses), a single blip appeared.

   Radarpony Second Class Firecan Dan rubbed a cloth over the screen and began to speak into his radio, then remembered to key it with a hoof tap.  Radio was relatively new; it had only been a few years since Mareconi invented it.  The radio was a vast improvement over earlier methods of communication, though costs limited it to military use; the rest of Equestria still had to rely on the postal service and belching dragons.

   “Wind Rider, this is Strike.  We have an unknown contact, inbound Mustang.  Your vector is 090 for bogey.”

   It just so happened that the Commander of Air Group Ten should be walking into CIC at that moment.  Due to the tension on the borders, the usual CAG had been demoted, and in his place was no less than Princess Luna herself.  By appointing her own sister to the position, Celestia could trust that a misunderstanding would not lead to war.  Besides, Luna really had nothing else to do at the moment besides make sure the moon rose every night and terrify young fillies and colts, and even the latter was only once a year.

   Luna leaned over Firecan Dan’s flank and inspected the screen.  She remembered to use her inside voice; two other radarponies were in sick bay after they were deafened by her so-called palace voice.  “Who’s up there?” she asked.

   Firecan Dan was a professional, and was by no means intimidated by the Pony Formerly Known As Nightmare Moon leaning over his flank.  “Dewdrop and Derpy…and Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy.”

   Luna rolled her eyes.  “Great.  Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy.”

  200 miles to the east flew a flight of four pegasi, in a formation known as an expanded box.  To the left was the flight leader, Dewdrop, a blue pegasus with a blond mane, his eyes hidden behind aviator goggles; just behind, down and to the left, was Derpy, whose colors were gray and blond and whose eyes pointed up and down.  Seriously, non-Pony fans.  I’m not making this up.

   More importantly to the readers, of course, was the section to the right.  In the lead—of course—was Rainbow Dash, her multicolored mane flowing behind her.  Behind and to the right, desperately trying to maintain station, was Fluttershy, whose face was nearly obscured by an even longer mane of pink.  Totally not going to mention cutie marks because, dammit, this is a war story and serious business.

    Rainbow Dash, to reiterate, was bored.  She was a pony who lived life at two speeds: beyond supersonic and a dead halt.  When she wasn’t racked out asleep, to use a naval term, she was flying along at high speed, determined to do her best in all things and look spectacular in the process.  At the moment, however, she was doing neither.  She wasn’t even leading, which Dash particularly resented, or fighting, which Dash wasn’t sure if she resented or not.

   As a matter of fact, Dash was not even sure why she was here, flying over the Eastern Ocean, rather than kicking clouds around and/or crashing into Twilight Sparkle’s library in Ponyville.  Oh, she didn’t mind what she was doing, and in fact had been rather excited when the notice came in the mail that she had been drafted into the REFAA under an obscure provision of an obscure law entitled the War Emergency and The Story Doesn’t Work Otherwise Act.  Besides guaranteeing citizenship, military service also was an important step forward towards Rainbow Dash’s lifelong dream, flying with the Wonderbolts.  The Wonderbolts far preferred those with some time in service.  Dash didn’t even mind when Fluttershy also got a draft notice, under another obscure provision of the War Emergency and We Need Someone Else From The Mane Six Act.  (Actually, the WEWNSEFTM6A was not that obscure, given that Princess Celestia seemingly invoked it twice a week.)

   What Dash did resent was being placed under the section leadership of Dewdrop, who was nowhere near as impressive as Dash, Rainbow, one each; however, it was known that Dewdrop was something of the CAG’s pet pony, was a REFAA academy graduate hoof-knocker, and, unlike Dash, Fluttershy, and Derpy, was a volunteer with five years in service.  There was also the fact that the new CAG was Princess Luna, and Dash didn’t care what Twilight Sparkle said—Luna still resented the Mane Six.  Being stopped from unleashing a genocidal darkness and forcibly turned to the good side was not always the best way to win friends and influence ponies.

  As to why Derpy Hooves was flying, Dash had no idea whatsoever, since Derpy really should not have been allowed out of Ponyville without adult supervision and got lost quite often.  Dash was sure that Derpy was not included on CAP missions simply because the author was trying to score cheap laughs, however, because that would be silly.

   Dash had to put that aside for now, however.  An unidentified contact could be anything, or it could be something.  She listened to the vectors.  “Talk to me, Fluttershy!”

   Fluttershy gazed into the darkening sky.  Her eyesight was actually more acute than Dash’s at a distance.  “Roger, I’ve got them.  Contact twenty left at fifteen miles, 350 knots closure.”  It had taken Fluttershy some time to master Fleetarmese.  “I really don’t know why I can’t just say I see something over there and it’s a ways off but coming fast at us.  Besides, maybe it’s just a hummingbird.  That would be nice.  I like hummingbirds.”

   Dash ignored that last part and shouted over to her left.   “Dewdrop, you hear that?”

   “Roger.”  He turned to Derpy.  “Derpy, you got them?”

   “Got what?”  Derpy blinked.  “Oh, you mean that thing over there?  Yeppers!”  Dewdrop wondered when he had pissed off Celestia to get saddled with Derpy as a wingpony.

   Dash accelerated until she was level with Dewdrop.  She wanted to, well, dash ahead and see what this bogey was.  Instead she reined back.  Orders were orders, and besides, she was already on Luna’s Pony Droppings List.  “I’ll get a visual ID, Dewdrop, you hook ‘em!”  She grinned back at Fluttershy.  “And you’ll clean ‘em and fry ‘em!”

   “Oh, no,” Fluttershy said, aghast, “I would never do that.  We’re not carnivorous, and if we were, I would be a vegetarian—“  Dewdrop made a gentle left turn and Fluttershy had to cut herself off to stay in formation.

   “Mustang, Mustang, this is Wind Rider 203, I’ve got an inbound bogey heading two-seven-zero at ten miles, 350 knots closure.”  Dewdrop’s voice was clear over the radio in CIC.

   “Wind Rider, take angels ten, left three-zero.”  Firecan Dan watched the screen intently.  The blips marking the unknown contact and the pegasi were closing rapidly.  He ordered them to continue their left turn and drop to an altitude of ten thousand feet; that would put the contact and the pegasi on converging tracks.  Whatever he did, Firecan knew, he could not let the bogey either get behind the Wind Riders or past them.

    Luna wasn’t exactly sure what all this newfangled technology did—being exiled to the moon for a thousand years had that effect—but she did know that something was not right here.  She turned to another officer.  “Are we supposed to have visitors today?”  The contact could be anypony, or nopony, or that bizarre Pinkie Pie character in her balloon contraption.

   The officer shook his head.  “Negative, ma’am.”

  Dewdrop was starting to get nervous.  “Derpy, see if he’s a single.”

  “Roger.”  Derpy peered into the sky.  She had absolutely no idea.  “Fluttershy, do you see a trailer?”

   Fluttershy’s brows wrinkled in thought.  Why would a trailer be all the way up here?  The only ponies she knew that lived in trailers were those relatives of Applejack’s that she didn’t really like talking about.  Then she remembered and put a hoof over her eyes to shield the setting sun.  “Um, no, Derpy.  Looks like he’s a single.”  Poor bogey, Fluttershy thought to herself, he’s all alone in the world.

   Rainbow Dash shook her head.  Enough was enough.  “Dewdrop, I’m gonna go head-to-head with him!”

   Dewdrop looked back in alarm.  “Take it easy, Dash!  I don’t like this stuff.”  Dewdrop made a decision.  “I’m going to break high and right and see if he’s really alone.”  The gray pegasus flew upwards and to the right, Derpy following.  Dash sighed and bit her lip.  It was a good manuever: if there was only one contact, they could catch him in a pincer.

   “He’s going pretty fast, Dash,” Fluttershy informed him.  “He’s coming right at us.”  She swallowed her fear and resolutely kept pace with her friend.

   Dash only smiled.  “Okay, buddy,” she said to the bogey, as if the latter could hear her. “What’s on your mind?”

   A cloud that resembled Rarity’s hair obscured the speck that was the contact.  Then it appeared again—and there were two of them.  “Holy horseapples!” Dash shouted, unable to use worse profanity because My Little Pony is on Hub.  “There’s two of them!”

   The two specks grew to sleek forms with wings and claws.  They flashed past, almost too quick to see, but Fluttershy identified them immediately.  “Griffons!”

  Fluttershy’s call electrified the ponies in CIC.  Luna’s eyes rounded.  “What in the wide world of Equestria are they doing here?”  Beyond the Eastern Ocean lay the land of the Griffons, a race of eagle-lion hybrids.  Normally Equestria and the Griffons got along well enough, but since the acension of Kim Gangnam Style III to the throne, tensions had risen considerably—which was why both Princess Luna and the Mustang were out there, and why the WEATSDWO clause had been invoked.  Celestia was no stranger to war, and did not want to fight another one ever again, but the Griffons seemed to have other ideas.  “What’s their position?”

   “Um, 150 miles, ma’am,” Firecan Dan replied.  His earlier unflappable professional demeanor was beginning to slip.  Griffons were known to have powerful magic, and one Long Lance spell could mean doom and an unanticipated swim for the crew of the Mustang.

   “150 miles? Get them out of here!” Luna shouted, her voice reverberating off the bulkheads.

   Dash and Fluttershy instantly turned hard right; now that Dash could see the griffons better, she could follow them.  The griffons were splitting up, one going high and another low in a classic defensive break.  “Dewdrop, you’ve got the high guy; I’ll take the low one!” Dash shouted, and tore off after the diving griffon, Fluttershy desperately trying to keep up.  Dash ignored the high griffon; if he followed them, Dewdrop and Derpy could jump him.

   Yet the other griffon did not fall for the trap.  Instead, he climbed higher.  Dewdrop winced as he tried to follow.  “I lost him in the sun!  You got him, Derpy?”

   Derpy was actually thrown off by the break and could barely hear Dewdrop; for once, her ability to look in two directions at once helped.  “He’s coming around, he’s coming around on your tail!” she shouted.

   Dewdrop flew left quickly, but the griffon only grinned at the stallion and fell in behind.  Dewdrop felt panic rise in his throat and tucked in his hooves for better speed, but the griffon only raked his wings back and closed in, above Dewdrop.   “By Celestia!” Dewdrop cried, “This guy’s all over me!”

   Back on the Mustang, Luna put a hoof on Firecan’s flank.  It had a strangely calming effect on the radarpony.  “What’s their range now?”

   “100 miles, ma’am.”

   Luna chewed her bottom lip in thought.  “If they break fifty miles, launch all ponies and contact Princess Celestia.”  If they break fifty miles, Luna mused, we’re at war.

   Fluttershy was being left behind, knew it, and dropped back a little to cover Rainbow Dash’s rear quarter.  “Go get ‘em!” she shouted in encouragement, though Fluttershy’s shout was little more than a normal pony’s regular voice.

   Dash did not hear; she was busy in any case.  “I’m going in,” she said into her radio microphone.  “Let’s see if I can scare this dude outta here.” Dash easily closed the distance.  The griffon glanced back at her.  He reminded Dash of Gilda, but whereas Gilda, despite her haughtiness, was still sort-of Dash’s friend, this griffon looked lean and mean.  The griffon rolled to the right, to lose Dash in the clouds, but that was exactly what Dash planned for him to do.

   Dash snapped upwards, gaining altitude, then selected a grayish cloud, turned pink in the setting sun.  As the griffon flew beneath it, Dash leapt forward, smacking the cloud with all four hooves.  The cloud lurched and lightning shot out of it.  The bolt struck the griffon right at the base of his tail.  It gave a surprised “Eep!” and glanced back at Dash.  The pegasus grinned devilishly at the griffon and raised her forehooves to fire another bolt.  The griffon had enough: it turned and flew off at top speed, to the east, taking no further interest in the proceedings.

   “Please come back when you don’t want to fight! Goodbye!” Fluttershy shouted after him, then smiled at Dash.  “You scared him, Rainbow! He’s heading for home.”

    “Of course.  Knows better than to mess with me.”  Dash keyed her mike.  “Mustang, this is Rainbow Dash.  One griffon is headed home.”

   Luna brushed off some sweat.  That still left one griffon, which could be enough—but it was better than having two.  “All right, what’s their position?”

   “80 miles and bearing zero-one-zero, ma’am.”

   The alicorn raised an eyebrow.  “Care to translate that last part?” Geometry was never her strong suit.

   “One griffon is still heading for us, ma’am.”

   “Dewdrop!” Derpy shouted.  “He’s on top of you…or maybe on the bottom…anyway, he’s right on you! Get away from that guy!”

   “What in Celestia is this crap?” Dewdrop yelled, wishing the cartoon censors would really let him cut loose, given that he was about to die and all.  “He’s engaging me!”

   The griffon smirked, easily within speaking distance.  He said nothing, just reached out and flicked a claw at Dewdrop’s back.  It was just a tap, not enough to hurt, but plenty enough to scare.

   Dewdrop yelped.  “Mustang!  This is Wind Rider 117, this bandit’s all over me! Do I have permission to attack?”  In his terror, Dewdrop gave the wrong callsign; in fact, he was in no position to attack at all.  Derpy, trying to align her internal gyro, was doing nice loop-de-loops and was now far behind.

   Luna shook her head.  “No! Do not attack unless you’re attacked!”  Equestria cannot risk war, she thought, not even for one little pony.

   “Fluttershy, there they are, right below us.”  Dash pointed downwards.  Outlined against the sea far below was Dewdrop and the griffon.

   “Oh no!” Fluttershy’s hooves flew to her mouth.  “The griffon’s in perfect position, right on Dewdrop’s tail!”  Her voice caught in her throat.  “He’ll kill Dewdrop!”

   Dash shook her head.  “No way, Fluttershy.  He’d have done it by now.  He’s just trying to pis—to make us really mad.”  Damn censors!  Wait, Dash thought, I can think damn, and the author can say nasty things, why can’t I?

   “You’re too young and My Little Pony is supposedly a kid’s show,” the author replied.  “Now get on with it.  This is your big scene.”

   Dash’s eyes lit up with unbridled (yay, pun!) enthusiasm.

  Dewdrop heard the author say something and looked up to see Dash and Fluttershy high above them.  “Dash, get your [censored] down here and get this [censored] no-good [censored] stupid [Dewdrop, they won’t even let you say that on HBO] off me!”

   Fluttershy shook her head.  “Such language!”

   The griffon heard her and saw the two pegasi (plus Derpy, now straightened out and sort of flying right) above him.  He grunted—fun time was over—and dived away.  His orders were straight from Emperor God-King Kwisatz Haderach Kim Gungnam Style III to provoke the stupid ponies to attack the griffons, to make it all look like Equestria’s fault.  Of course, if the ponies did him in, he wouldn’t be able to report anything back, so it was time to leave.  No one could catch a griffon in a dive.

    Dash only smiled.  She waited just a half-minute more.  “I can’t kill this guy,” she mused to herself, “so let’s have a little fun with him!”  She winked at Fluttershy, gathered her hindhooves under herself, stretched out her forehooves, and dived, leaving a rainbow trail behind her.  In seconds a shockwave formed in front of her as nine times Rainbow Dash’s normal weight pressed on her face and made her jowls bulge, like Pinkie Pie trying to eat an entire sheet cake in one bite.

   Right over the griffon burst the Sonic Rainboom.  “Greetings!” Dash shouted as she went past.

   Quadruple shocks of color spread from the epicenter of the Rainboom, blasting the clouds away and vaporizing water mist into steam.  The griffon was propelled outwards by the shockwave, spinning madly; it was a credit to his flying skill that one, he was not turned into a fine red mist (ew) and two, he had the presence of mind to climb as fast as he could, to escape the worst of the Rainboom’s effects.  This was Rainbow Dash’s idea of fun.

   The griffon blew out his breath and abruptly realized that he had fetched up directly in front of Fluttershy.  “Watch the birdie!” The griffon stared: there was a sparrow perched in the yellow pegasus’ outlandishly pink mane.  Then he blinked as a flash bulb went off in his face.  Where Fluttershy got the camera from shall remain a trade secret.

   “You ponies are crazy!” the griffon yelled, and flew away as fast as his wings could take him.

   Dash easily pulled out of the dive, admired the shimmering aftereffect of the Rainboom, then flew up to Fluttershy.  The other pegasus smiled at her.  “This is a great picture, Dash.  I should be a photographer.”

   “Dewdrop,” Dash said, “your tail is clear.  The griffons have bugged out.”  Dash saw Dewdrop glance back at her as Derpy finally arrived.  Dewdrop was flying northeast.  The Mustang was in the opposite direction.  “Hey, Dewdrop, we’ve had enough fun for one day, don’t you think?”  The pegasus flew on, oblivious.  Dash sighed.  She was tired and hungry, and couldn’t wait to tell everyone on the carrier how awesome the day turned out to be.  It was getting dark, too, and the night was dark and full of terrors.  Still Dewdrop kept flying.  “Well, okay then.  I’ll see ya on deck.  C’mon, Fluttershy.”

   Fluttershy was reluctant to leave—there was something wrong with Dewdrop—but Rainbow Dash always seemed to know what was best…