The Heatathon

The Heatathon

A collaborative effort by:

Irongalley.

Angry Spez Brony

Xx_-Sycro-_xX

'Sleep? Silly Jeff... does he not know that the lord of all crustaceans does not need any form of rest? Infidels...'

I shrugged and walked back to where I had been sitting before. The shiny infidel known as Red Emerald was laying on the train couch, completely calm and unperturbed.

Such heresy would not stand!

"Red! Stop being idle! The lords are watching over us, and we need more converts before the great enlightenment-"

"Ed, what are you talking about?" The shiny one said as she arched her heretical eyebrows. I could not believe her. The great crab lords and shrimp gods were but weeks away from arriving, and she dared question my word?!

"Oh ye of little faith... Go to sleep you precious little heretic, for tomorrow is the day the big city realizes who the great ones truly are!"

Red Emerald slowly stood and walked away, her face a mix of emotions, her crystal, shiny, heathen face blushing. No doubt from heresy and shame for having dishonored the gods.

I sighed as she left.

'Heretics... At least the shiny one makes an effort to understand the words of the divines.'

I sat on the couch and watched the scenery pass by. Trees and other boring things mostly, but every once in awhile I swear I could see a small pond or stream, and I'd imagine it to be full of the superior species.

"Bon-Bon, is Ed drooling?"

"Just go to sleep Lyra, he'll stop if you ignore him."

"Ok, good night Bon-Bon. Good night Ed."

"Good night Lyra-"

"Night, heretic!"

//////

Hours passed before the great gods of the one true faith reopened my eyes to witness one more of their glorious mornings. The heretical heathen equines could claim control of the sun and moon all they wanted, but the only one to hold true power over it was the one and only Krabaztiaa! Lord of all crabs!

That Twilight Sparkle... thinking she could convert me to her hideous religion of pony...

No matter. I stood up from my glorious sleep and stretched. It was important to be ready for another day of crustaceanist worship.

"GOOD MORNING, HERETICS!" I shouted my happiness at all beings around me. It was mandatory to spread joy and loudness to all, especially at four am in the morning.

For some reason though...

"SHUT IT!"

"IT'S FOUR IN THE MORNING!"

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"

...the heretics disagreed...

"Heretics, you all must learn to- umph!"

A pillow attack?! The blasphemy was strong in Rainbow! That, or it was the effect of the alcohol in her head.

"Fine! But when the gods boil you all in the fiery pot of pain and spread the butter of doom on your writhing carapaces, don't say I didn't warn you!"

I quickly straightened up my outfit and fixed my hair as best as possible. Using a bottle of spray deodorant to mask the scent of unchanged clothes, I swiftly made my way to the shiny one's room.

If you wonder about the clothes and why I didn't change them, lemme ask you a question. Do crabs change their shells?

Well yeah, but they can grow a new one. Try finding human clothes in this place!

The shiny one had kept her door closed through the night, but the gods had granted me the strength and intelligence of a thousand lobsters!

A copy of the key I stole also helped.

I gently opened the door and looked inside. Red was sleeping soundly under the covers, her luggage neatly stacked to the side of the room.

"It looks like heresy..." I whispered softly and walked inside.

I rummaged through the things inside her bags. There were personal items mostly, like a toothbrush. I took the aforementioned utensil and placed it in my mouth.

"It tastes like heresy..." I said after spitting it out.

I walked closer to the bed and looked around. The room was dark and the curtains were drawn. Most likely in an attempt to keep the gods out. Silly Red...

I knelt down and gently grabbed a handful of her mane. I proceeded to press it against my nose.

It reeked of heresy.

I frowned and walked out of her room. There were far more pressing matters at hand.

As I left, however, I felt like giving the infidel a chance. It's what the great one would want of me, after all.

I turned to face her, drew in a long breath, and...

"RISE AND SHINE, HERETIC!"

She let out a scream of happiness and almost slammed her head against the roof out of joy. Her eyes were wide with appreciation, and her heart was beating so loud out of love for the gods that I could practically hear it.

"ED, YOU SON OF A-"

I slammed the door shut. It felt so nice being able to bring joy into infidels' lives.

'Time to greet the others.' I smiled and walked down the hall, a spring in my step. It felt good to love the gods!

It felt sad to be the only one to love the gods...

Rainbow slammed the door in my face. Cloudchaser and Flitter were asleep. Lyra and BonBon were being sinners, and Jeff just gave me a deadpan look.

Not even the random train passengers whose rooms I entered would share my love for crustaceanism...

That only left one person to talk to.

The ultimate sinner.

Just kidding, that hideous seafood chef wasn't here.

I walked over to the silent one's room and waited. A minute passed without me moving a single muscle, and then that minute turned into three hours.

It was imperative that the silence was unperturbed, for reasons I didn't quite remember nor understand.

I slowly started to open the door, and finished by kicking it. It was holy time.

"Infidel, wake up!"

Silence.

"Infidel?" I glanced around the room, but it was to no avail. He was not hanging from the roof upside down, he was not sleeping behind the door, and he had not  ascended to the heavens on a glorious lobster. I would have known.

I was about to surrender and return to the shiny one's chambers, when a sound emerged from the most unlikely of places.

"Dude, why are you in bed? It's like, six in the morning..."

The silent one, also known as San, let out an annoyed groan and covered his head with a pillow. I was utterly bewildered. In bed? At this hour?

It could only be one thing...

"HERESY-"

"No!"

My glorious words were swiftly interrupted by a mouthful of pillow. It seemed like the average attack for heretics nowadays.

"Could you just shut up and go to sleep?"

Sleep?

"Heretic, please, you must realize before it is too late!" I looked from side to side, being careful not to be under heretical surveillance. "The line for the food cart is empty, dude. It's now or never..."

San looked at me like I was both the most annoying thing in the world, and the oddest one.

I just shrugged. Chow time.

"As old Ronald would say, Have it your way!" I said and started for the door.

"That's Burger King... Wait what?"

"Dude, whatever, y'know? It's no biggie. Just saying there's no line right now."

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Like, now? Just standing." I motioned to the general area around me. Nothing special really. Not sure why San was making such a big deal about it.

San facepalmed and fell back on his bed with an exasperated groan.

"Forget it, just get out and let me sleep..."

I arched an eyebrow and slowly closed the door.

Weird...

...but then again, most of the guys were like that.

I went over to the train's heretical magic bathroom and took a shower, then I reapplied the deodorant and put on my clothes again.

I decided to meet everyone at the food cart. I was positively starving! The first heretic I saw walking towards the food cart was Cloudchaser the drunk. Such a foul heretic, I don’t see how Jeff could fall for such a creature. What, starting to eat before me?! How dare her!

Utilizing the glorious strength given to me by the gods, I ran over to where she was sitting and took the muffin out of her disgusting hoof, claiming it for the one and only gods in the whole wide universe: The Crustacean Gods!

“Hey!?” She blinked and gave a startled scream as my hand conquered the muffin in the name of all that is holy. No filthy heretic would lay claim to the God’s creation. Not if I, Ed, was there to stop them.

“No one eats before we pray for the Crab lords, silly heretic. You should know that.” I stated matter of factly and took a sniff of the muffin. “Blegh... Raisins...” Out the train window it goes!

Cloudchaser stared at me for a few seconds, not speaking, and not doing anything else but look creeped out. I started to feel uneasy. Her eyes were like bottomless pits of heresy and blasphemous confusion. I... I was not certain if the demon was attempting to cross bodies! Oh gods no!

But then, I had a flashback.

My mentor, back when I had first started to learn the ways of crustaceanism from one of the many great ones that I brought home from my religious pilgrimages, had always sought to teach me the ways of the Gods.

He had said... well, nothing really, but he had taught through examples.

I remembered the day I was taught the method of defense that the monks utilized when demons attempted to take hold of the righteous warriors of faith...

“Ed? Ed! Are you still breathing?!”

‘Silly heretic... Of course she would know nothing of my sensei’s most powerful tactic. Stay still and do nothing. Crabs were surprisingly good at that. I never beat my master at it, but I guess he wasn’t very good... A hawk broke through his defense and ate him after all, and since no hawk had gotten me yet... Well, I guess I am the new master!’

Cloudchaser nudged me and pushed on my shoulder for a while, but she would never defeat- No! Eyes, don’t blink! I cannot be- No!

I blinked. My heretical eyes betrayed me. Cloudchaser let out an exasperated sigh and sat back. I just rubbed my burning eyeballs. It burned pretty bad.

“Ugh...what happen last night Ed?” She asked with an eyeroll as I finally decided to sit down and wait for the shiny one to return to us. We had important plans to discuss, after all.

“Well heretic, you and Rainbow were falling all over the place in a blasphemous drunken haze. You fell on Jeff’s lap too, and then Jeff had to put you in bed. Lastly, when he said good night, you kissed him on the cheek. Which, by the way, is punishable in crustaceanism by having a boiling hot lobster shoved up your-”

“I did!” She exclaimed with a bright smile and a light blush making its way into her face. She also seemed to have stopped paying attention to the words of the gods once again, but it was too early in the morning for anything anyway, so I just put away the boiling hot lobster I had prepared for the occasion.

‘Some other time, Chaser... Some other time...’ I smiled internally. The boiled lobster would not go to waste... ‘Now where’s that OJ?’

I had to remain strong and well fed if I was to convert the heathens of Manehattan to the one true faith, after all. It would be no easy task, considering that the simple minded equines of Ponyville had resisted my word and that of the gods as well, rather persistently. I would need the shiny one’s help.

And she would help, I would see to that. The gods may have bestowed many gifts upon me, but if there was one which I still retained from my days as a heathen, then that would be my skill with romance.

She stood no chance.