“Well, ah guess ah should congratulate you two. Oh, Horseapples! Of course I haf’ to!” The farmpony pulled Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash into a firm, quick hug before turning her gaze to Twilight, deeply lost in her thoughts in the corner. With all that occurred in the space of very few minutes, she had finally the time to understand two of her best friends were pregnant. Some things just can’t be unnoticed.

“Aaaaw, thank you, Applejack! You’re always a sweetheart.” Pinkie chirped, returning the hug.

“It’s not that big of a deal, AJ.” Rainbow flushed her cheeks, still sticking to her tough pony look.

“Yeah, give or t’ke a few months and you are going to get big, sugarcube.”

The pegasus rolled her eyes and Pinkie Pie giggled her flanks off. “Don’t worry, Dashie.” The pink pony wiped a tear from her eye from too much laughter. “You will always be the prettiest pegasus for me.” She ran a hoof to her cheek which Rainbow grabbed without a second thought, exchanging a warm smile with Pinkie.

“Look who’s talking! You’re going to be so round that Twilight’s balloon will get jealous.” Dash chuckled like crazy.

“Don’t be so mean. Do you want to be a bad influence? Do you want our foals to think that their Mommy slash Daddy is a meanie that makes mean jokes?”

“You didn’t let me finish! I wanted to say that Twilight’s balloon will get jealous because it’s not as funny, cute and awesome as you.” Rainbow winked at Applejack who just shook her head, keeping a smarmy grin on her lips.

Pinkie stuck out her lower lip, putting on a pout that could’ve won the World Championship of pouts. “You got lucky this time. Next time your legendary cuteness won’t be enough.”

“Hope you girls know what you’re doing...Don’t want to sound insensitive but—” She chuckled “Ah guess you two helped me and Twi dodge a bullet.” While holding a very forced grin, Applejack noticed to have said probably the most insensitive thing in the history of ever.

Thankfully, her friends didn’t seem all that shocked, as Dash stifled a little laugh. “Well, for our friends we would do anything, help them dodge every bullet in the world. Right, Pinkie?”

Pinkie Pie nodded.

“But, you know, AJ...” Rainbow nonchalantly raised a hoof and examined it with half closed eyes. “If you want to repay the favour, there may be days that Pinkie and I may want to spend some time with each other. Alone, I mean. Aaand we may need a good friend, the most responsible pony we know to look after our babies sometimes—”

“Ah get it.” Applejack groaned. Lo and behold those two just found out to be pregnant and just got two foalsitters in the same day. It takes some talent for that. An evil talent but a talent nonetheless. “No need to act so smug about it.”

“Oh, don’t worry, Applejack.” Pinkie patted her back with a comforting smile. “You don’t have to worry for now. It will take months before they pop out. You will have plenty of time to learn! Maybe you can ask Granny Smith something or maybe Twilight will lend you some books about foalsitting. Or maybe even Cadence can give you some tips, but I don’t think going all the way to the Crystal Empire just for this is worth it and she’s a Princess, you know, so I don’t think—” Pinkie hopped and rambled on until she saw Dash snickering.

“At least we won’t have to work out for a while, right?” Dash winked and Pinkie Pie exploded in a roaring laughter, abandoning herself in the strong forelegs of the pegasus. A small laugh escaped AJ’s lips as she finally caught up to the loving pair and the joke. It’s funny how the spark love between two ponies could come out of such simple things.

Applejack always appreciated simple things, and such a simple gesture told more about what the two felt for each other than a thousand fancy words could. In the corners of her mind still ringed a few words of concern for their delicate situation, but at the end of the day, she knew those ponies, her friends, were indeed strong enough to live with their love.

Speaking of love, Applejack trotted toward the moping unicorn in the angle, ready to give her a hoof. Even all fours if she asked. She knew that the unicorn would blame herself for, well, everything that has transpired that day and it was her duty to not let this happen.

“Twi? Are you alright, sugarcube? Does it still hurt?”

“Yeah, I’m alright...I was just thinking...Who could it be?”

“Who?”

“Exactly! Who knew about my device? Who could possibly be deranged enough to assault me and steal that from me? For what purpose? And besides, how could I not predict that? How couldn’t I see it coming?!”

“Well, you can’t see the future.”

“Yet.” The implications of that words scared even Applejack. She wasn’t one to bring up the past, but Twilight had her share of messing up with the natural order of things...The two lovebirds just behind her included.

“One problem at time, sugarcube. Ah guess that once you find the magical thingy you’ll find the culprit and why he or she did it. And if he or she doesn’t want to spill the beans, well...” She stomped the ground, imagining it to be the butt of a very deserving pony. “Ah got an itch to scratch with somepony hurting you:”

“Oh, my hero!” Twilight threw herself at Applejack, a girlish blush appearing among her freckles.

“But first, don’t be too hard on yourself, sugarcube.” Applejack grasped Twilight’s squishy cheeks and gazed hard in her adorable purple eyes. “Ah’m serious.”

Twilight’s gaze wandered on the ground, those few words already analyzed. “I have to. I’ve taken the choice from them.” She moved her eyes toward the young couple still happily playing with each other, Rainbow Dash almost forced to the ground by a pair of merciless, tickling hooves. “I mean, they are happy and of course they will have me, you, Fluttershy and Rarity by their side in this ordeal, but still, they didn’t have a choice!” Her voice broke, turning halfway into a scream of rage.

“Well, they have chosen to use it, but—”

“But nopony knew it could really work! Not even me that I created the damn thing!”

“And so what? Did ya think that Pinkie and Rainbow will hate ya for this? Ah don’t think so. It was a mistake, fine, but—”

“A mistake?!” Twilight roared, causing Rainbow Dash to froze in place while Pinkie Pie stood abashed on top of her, gnawing on her wing. “A mistake is when I don’t check an item from my lists or I put a book on the wrong shelf. This is a catastro—”

“It’s a mistake, sugarcube. Those two forgave you, you promised to be at their side and there’s nothing else you can do but being a good friend and ‘Auntie’. It’s like ya feel the need to paint yourself as a monster just because there was somethin’ you couldn’t predict… and ah won’t let you.” Applejack felt warm tears riling up her cheeks and the unicorn ran to her side, nuzzling her neck.

“Ah don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but now that you have me ah won’t accept that. You’re not some kind of villain: you’re Twilight Sparkle! The mos’ wonderful pony ah ever met.”

Twilight blinked, her ears flattened as her lower lip stuck out, trembling. She quickly slipped a small kiss on Applejack’s cheek. “The next time you say you’re out of my league, you’re never, ever going to top.”

“Well, it’s not that ya ever let m—”

“But first we have something else to do before I start to snuggle you really hard: find some traces!”

“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight pointed a hoof toward the puzzled pegasus. “Fly in circles around the perimeter. Don’t let anything escape your sight!” Dash quickly composed herself and spread her wings, ready for action preceded by a military salute. “Pinkie Pie: follow Rainbow on the ground and tell me if your Pinkie Sense catches something.” The pink pony saluted Twilight and scrunched out the best serious, military face she could muster, hopping on her way. “ Applejack, I want you to—

“Ah found a feather.” Twilight somehow...deflated. Applejack hated to be such a killjoy for the eloquent, over analyzing unicorn, but just like she always thought, simple things are the best and a feather in plain sight is worth more than any complex team strategy.

It was a grey feather, and as all the ponies present were concerned, it only could have belonged to the least likely culprit in the history of everything.

***

Derpy Hooves was the villain.

The dark, looming presence that threatened peace and happiness. The unending threat to everypony and their loved ones. The dark force that corrupted the land and turned joy into sorrow and victory to despair. The great enemy, the devourer of worlds…

The Evil Sorceress with the Fancy Hat!

“You will never win, Brave Hero Dinky! Muahahahaha!” Derpy Hooves flaunted her black cape and feather hat as she let out an enthusiastically evil laugh. The little filly in front of her waved a wooden sword, trying very, very hard to not let her heroic expression ruined by laugh.

“Good will always triumph, Evil Sorceress with a fancy hat! And you want to know why?”

“Because Good always has a balanced breakfast?”

“That too. And the fact that I know your weakness!” Dinky Hooves jumped and striked true with her sword, knocking out the fancy hat to the ground.

“Noooo!” Derpy cried out and collapsed to the ground, wriggling like a giant worm inside her black robe. “I’m melting! I’m melting! Oh, what a world, what a wooorld…” She continued to flail her legs about under the dark cape for a while until she suddenly stopped and laid there, unmoving. Dinky gave a timid poke to the black blob on the floor.

“Mom? You haven’t melted for real? Again? Should I call the doc—”

“Boo!” Derpy jumped out from the cloth, sending the poor filly screaming down the hallway. She leaned her head just a few inches out of the living room’s door.

“N-nice one, Mom!”

“I didn’t scare you much, right muffin?” She walked over her daughter, leaving the dark cape behind and wearing instead a kind smile.

“Of course not, Mom!” Dinky pouted. “I’m a grown mare now. I was just getting in character. That’s all.”

“Sure the brave, grown mare that runs away because of her mom…” Derpy muttered aside, hiding her mouth with a hoof.

“What?!”

“What?”

They both shrugged before the filly tackled her mom with a hug. “Thanks for finally finding some time to play with me, mom.

“No problem, muffin.” She ruffled her daughter’s mane and pinched her cheek.

“I almost thought that you weren’t going to make it today. You know, because of work. What, the letters you’ve got to deliver just reproduce overnight?”

“Well…” she blushed, wondering where in the hay she picked up that word. Or that meaning of the word. “It’s not like that. I just had something really important to do. You know, Mommy business. Besides, you don’t even know where letters come from!”

“Well, what about foals? You never told me where foals come from. All I know is that you need a long snak—”

“Oh! Look at the time! I think you should go to bed right now.” Derpy jumped in the air and floated her way as she tried to push her daughter out of the room, who scrunched up her face and sighed.

“Seriously, Mom...Thanks again for playing with me. I missed that.”

Derpy stopped and watched the gloominess in her daughter's eyes. Her Mother’s heart felt like clutched by a steel claw. “I’m always there for you. Always.” she pulled the little filly in the tightest embrace.

“I know that, Mom. It's just that...I don’t know. There are some days when I feel so lonely.”

“Didn’t you have friends at school? There’s Applebloom and her two friends and Berry’s sister and there was, what’s his name, that nice colt, Rumble, that you still think he has a crush on you—”

“That’s not the point!” Dinky screamed while her cheeks were turning so red to radiate the same amount of heat of a white dwarf. “The point is I miss—I miss somepony else to greet me when i return from School.

“You can always invite your friends over. I won’t get mad, you know. Also, sometimes I can return early and—”

“I miss Dad.”

The room turned so eerily quiet that the all sucking void of space would have sounded like a rock concert in comparison. Derpy wanted to scream, to yell until she lost her voice, to trash her house and punch walls so hard to disintegrate them. Basically, throwing away years of keeping her sorrow hidden for the sake of the filly she loved more than life itself. Soiling the memory of the stallion she loved with a foalish, useless outburst. She kept caressing her filly’s mane with an absent look.

“I know I didn’t know him very well, but I remember him. I always will. He was the first to call me ‘muffin’.

“You still remember that?” she sniffled, trying to be unheard by her daughter.

“Always. I just miss being a family again. Is that wrong?”

"No!” Derpy firmly said, with such resolve and conviction that her googly eyes for a split second looked...normal was a word too strong for it, but at least they seemed to be perfectly aligned. This hurt quite a bit and Derpy steeled herself to never let it happen again. “It’s not wrong. It’s what everypony deserves or takes it for granted, but it’s the best thing in the world. But…” she bit her lip. “Am I not enough for you?”

Dinky stood on her hindhooves and landed a kiss on Derpy’s forehead. “You’re the best mom in the world...and I’m just dumb filly that talks too much.” She beamed to her mom and trotted her way to her bedroom. “Night Night!”

Derpy waved silently at her, completely smitten by the most affectionate and loving filly in the world. “D-Dinky!” She called her like she was at one mile away.

“What is it, Mom?”

“Would you mind if, one day, we’re gonna be three again? Or more?”

Dinky just smiled in return. “It would be nice.”

The filly ran up the stairs and into her room. Just to see her smile, everything was worth it. Even hiding some of the truth from her.

Derpy turned back and tripped over the black cape and almost face first on the sofa. “That’s what happens to the bad guys.” She whispered, sneering at the cloth and massaging her ankle. She tiptoed with catlike tread all the way to her bedroom and unseen to everything and everypony, she pulled out from under the bed a brown saddlebag.

Her blood froze and she even didn’t have the force to open it once she saw Twilight Sparkle’s cutie mark embroidered on it.

“What have you done, Derpy?” she muttered in the measly hope that somepony else would give her an answer.

She picked up the fruit of her crime and walked away, praying to everything and everywhere that her daughter won’t wake up in an empty house. She slipped out and close the door, feeling like Stars and Moon were accusatory eyes, each and every one of them pointed at her.

She ran away from them, as fast as she could. Every bad thought flowing in her brain was turned into fuel for her legs and wings, just to hurry up and give a sense to this night. Dark alley after dark alley she zipped, making barely a whisper with the soaring of the winds across her feathers.

When she saw the shadowy silhouette making a nod, Derpy gulped and approached it, softly landing at few inches from it.

Perfectly punctual as usual. Not even the need of a grand entrance to make her presence known. The figure just raised a hoof, asking the permission to talk, but Derpy shushed her with her own dramatic gesture: she threw the incriminated bag at the figure’s hoof.

“Stop.” she raised a hoof in front of the figure. “Just let me talk. Just let me explain, because it’s a long story. I know what I did. I’ve took this from Twilight and yes: I feel horrible about it, don’t even ask. Twilight was— is my friend. A good friend. She never, ever raised her voice against me. Never even commented on my eyes or made some stupid joke. Not even as some kind of friendly retort. Even you made some, but don’t worry, I’m not angry for that.” This drew a nervous laughter from the pegasus mare. “She is intelligent enough to not look at this thing and treat me with kindness and respect. And you know why I did this to her? For us.”

She saw the figure still being uncharacteristically silent. Silent judgement is the worst.

“There’s a little filly that wishes to have a family again. Who am I to deny it to her? The moment you told me about it, the moment I knew Twilight was working on this thing I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t ask her because—How could I have explained it? What she would have thought of me? No. What she gave to me was already too much...I want to stay with you. I want to get old and grey with you. I want a foal with you and that thing here is the only thing that can let us! But not at this price…Sweet Celestia, what have I done?” she slumped down on her rump and started to weep softly.

The figure stepped out of the shadows, covering her eyes with her large magician hat. “The Great and Powerful Trixie thinks we have really screwed up.”

“We? You haven’t done anything.”

“The Humble and Apologetic Trixie feels responsible anyways. It was Trixie that told you about this thingy. I just happened to know that she was working—”

“You spied on her!” Derpy pointed out. “Also, are you Powerful or Apologetic right now? I can’t keep track of all these changes!” Derpy pouted, stomping with a hoof on the grass.

“It’s the force of habit, dear. But seriously, what are we going to do? Also, I swear it just happened. The whole spying part, I mean.”

“If you say so. I was thinking of—I don’t know, put it back where I found it—”

“Stole it.” Trixie intervened.

“Yeah. Or maybe put it back at Twilight’s place.”

“Won’t she get a little...suspicious if she found it back at her place? What, were you thinking about leaving a little apology card?

“How did you kno—Never mind. After I clonked her on the head it’s going to be a bit difficult.” This drew another sheepish grin before Trixie’s astonished gaze. The kind of smile that said ‘Please Celestia, kill me now.’

“What?!”

“What?”

Trixie slammed a hoof on her forehead. “Right...One problem at time.” Trixie vigorously rubbed the bridge of her nose with a hoof with so much force to nearly turn her face into blue putty. “Wait! I have something in mind. Something that can save us both. A cunning plan, even!”

“Really?” Derpy giggled. “I knew I could count on you. You’re the smart one. I can just make a mess.” Derpy buried her gaze on the ground, until she felt a pair of tender lips landing on her cheek. “I don’t want you dragged into this mess. I-I don’t to be a burden in your apologetic thing...I don’t want Ponyville to see you as the villain again.”

Trixie pulled her in a tight hug. “If I can’t help the mare I love, I’ll always be a villain in my own eyes.”

“Trix…” she whispered as the dark blue mare was pulling her lips close to her own. She could feel her breath tingling on her grey snout, her heartbeat loosening and the fears dissipating as she approached her inch by inch. If she had that bombastic and totally adorable mare at her side, she knew there was a way to solve things.

That was when a bright, gigantic flash of purple light dissolved the darkness of the alley, coming from the horn of a purple unicorn like a beacon. The couple frozen in the act watched four very confused and shocked mares.

“D-Derpy!” Twilight said, her right eye twitching slightly.

“Twilight!” Derpy screamed, putting her hooves in front of her as a pathetic effort of a barrier.

“Trixie?” Applejack said, confused.

“Twilight!” Trixie bit her lip.

“Trixie!” roared Rainbow Dash.

"Pinkie!” Pinkie chirped.

“Run!” Trixie shouted, popping out a smoke pellet and grabbing Derpy by the foreleg, ready to run and disappear into the night. “So much for the cunning plan!"

Author's Note

Sorry for the late update but you know how it goes: one tiny, little author thinks he got everything together and life just blindsides him! Who would have thought the identity of the dildo thief? And more importantly her reasons? Well, me since I wrote the damn thing.