The Average Life of Lyra and Bon Bon... Or Other Misleading Titles

The Average Life of Lyra and Bon Bon... Or Other Misleading Titles
Chapter Three - Paying the Rent: Part Three

Bon Bon

I've always hated stallions. Not because of any eww look at that giant horsecock reasons or because I was raised in a society that relegated them to second class, but because they were always trying to leap into your folds like it was a golden cave of happiness. Mind you that mine probably is a golden cave of happiness of Lyra's expressions are anything to go by... but that's besides the point. They simply try and try and try and while I know it's the fault of my amazing pheromones and their dullard nature, it's still a motherfucker to deal with. It wasn't a huge bother when free drinks were involved, but the fact that I was having to babysit an increasingly toxic Lyra while playing him for drinks all while still keeping my wits about me sucked increasing crotchtits.

None of this would have happened had my love just not been such a dunce as a drunk. She got a bit jealous, a lot less happy and flirty, and she wasn't really capable of holding her own anyway–and because she couldn't, the night was a total fuckup. Like a giant flaming globe of fire in the heart, she had fallen and as I washed up I noticed what the hay should have been clear from the beginning. It all fell together in my brilliant head and golden brain.

Shouldn't it have been obvious they were a couple? Lyra couldn't act her way out of a paper douche, I didn't start playing along until we were a bit into it, and Applejack was about as helpful as a wet fart when it came to deception. That asshole must have known, saw our bag, and liquored our admittedly fine asses up. She falls eventually, he takes our money. What an asshole! Sonofabitch motherfucker. Well, he screwed with the wrong Earth pony.

“Sweet Celestia he took our money!" I screamed out in a half-drunken rage, liquor masking the edges of my eyesight in a film I was having trouble deciphering anything resembling good volume. I half-trotted, though it was probably a stagger–an awesome stagger mind you; even drunk my legs move like beautiful works of art you creepy weirdos–across the room, eyes scanning the happenin' bar for any sign of that piece of shit who had my money. Just the normal group of losers: Berry Punch, the recovering alcoholic who enabler Applejack was killing slowly in the name of her family; Carrot Cake, drinking away the memories of sleeping with his cow of a wife; Noteworthy, finding inspiration at the bottom of the mug as to how to make his name more than an ironic punchline; and Big Mac, just sitting there looking like a hot motherfucker.

Hey, fillyfooler or not, I can admit prime real estate when I see it. Hot. Damn.

I finally saw that piece of shit guffawing about with two others at the end of the bar, a tall unicorn and a short pegasus. Good, we had a bushel of sister-fucking cumbuckets assholes. THEY WOULD REAP THE WHIRLWIND OF MY HOOVES.

I promptly tripped on one of the floorboards and fell as I took my first step in their direction.

"Unf."

Gravity is a sonofabitch.

I tried to pull myself up under the cover of a general “HURRA!” from the bar. Those assholes were right there, buying a round for everypony up front. The sound of MY bits hitting the countertop and Applejack scooping them up and laughing only boiled my blood further, a feat I wouldn't have thought possible. It felt like red-hot lava about ready to burn through me, but I'm made out of 100% tempered incredible and I managed to wobble up to my hooves and stagger across the bar. Along the way I grabbed an empty cider bottle from Rainbow Dash's table–dumb slut had probably been rejected by Applejack during a drunken advance early and stewed in her defeat, if the number of cider bottles was any indication.

Finally, I found myself almost gliding towards the trio until I propped my failing body up against the bar, the hoof with the beer bottle hiding underneath.

"Hey, dude," I said, changing my voice inflection effortlessly. I have many skills, as you'll come to see, and I am the best at everything I do. I have more voices in my head than you've heard in your life and I'm not referring to any drug induced psychosis. The thief turned around, his amused smile more infuriating than Lyra's sleepwalking; some unicorns needed to wear more protection, it turns out–she had had to convince her doctor to not put all of where the horn had gone into that medical report.

"Oh, look at you. A bit flustered–I hope you're ready to drink, I just ordered a round for all my good friends here at the bar," he spoke a little too loudly, a little too proudly, and his two friends chuckled. He did look at me a bit quizzically however, my voice catching him off guard.

"I love some good drinks, buddy," I changed her voice again, this time almost sounding colt like. I trotted around him, positioning myself right next to him, between him and his two friends. The grin on my face was too wide, and he shot me a bemused look. He knew I wasn't here to be friendly, and so did his unicorn friend who started reaching for his own bottle.

"Listen darling, if you hadn't lied to me then I would have just moved on but if you and yours thought you could just get free drinks from me all night and not pay the bloody piper, you're wrong," he sneered, so sure of himself. I couldn't wait it out any longer.

"Well ya see sweetie the problem is–" I began, my voice incredibly high pitched and annoying as all hell. As he was wincing, I uncoiled like a cobra and smashed Dash's disease-ridden cider bottle across his face. It exploded in a shower of glass, sending his head cracking against the countertop. I ducked, knowing what was next. The unicorn swung the bottle and ended up hitting his pegasus friend who was so drunk at this point he was only half there anyway. The pegasus then went cracking against his half-full salt-cup, sending it's cheap wares flying.

I turned around and charged that unicorn dumbass, backing him against a pillar, and then took him by his pretty little horn and jabbed it right into the pillar. He tried to pull himself free of it, but he had no shot. This wasn't my first rodeo. Hell, I've gotten into more bar fights than some ponies have had sex, and I feel no shame in saying I'm equally skilled in both. Like I said, I'm everything you wish you could be, mare or stallion.

I wasn't done yet though. I was still a bit pissed, to be perfectly honest. So I punched him. Once. Twice. Five times in and I had exhausted it, the unicorn falling off of the pillar sans horn. I then wiggled his entirely too small piece out of the pillar and hoofed it around.

I smiled and turned back to the countertop, a straight-faced Applejack looking over the three broken stallions.

"They get a little too comfortable with you, sugarcube?" she asked, giving me the benefit of the doubt. I guffawed, tossing the woefully small horn on the counter.

"No. Fucker tried to steal my rent money! Even used it to...buy everyone a round...I think?" I said, finishing off the drinks. Never let good drinks go to waste. She eyed the horn, her worry rising.

"Uhh, that's a clean break, right?"

I laughed.

"Yeah, no diagonal. I made sure he was nice and straight. Look at how small it is!" Heck, even Lyra's was bigger and mare's horns were supposed to be a bit on the slender side. This one was like a toothpick.

She joined in.

"Aww, haha, reminds me of mah first coltfriend's when Ah was a lil' filly," She smiled, lost in some good memories. Then her memory turned a bit hungry and she shook her head, letting go of the horn right quick.

"Well, Ah'll make sure he takes it 'fore he leaves. Good thing unicorn horns heal easy," She nodded, taking the horn behind the counter. I shot her a queer look, but was interrupted by Lyra.

Lyra

Bon Bon has to be the nicest pony in all of Ponyville. I mean, I guess there's Fluttershy, but... I dunno, my Bonnie has her beat, I think. The trick is that Bonnie is nice and kind to everypony, but she really doesn't have to be. She's not some timid wallflower; she's a pony who really has it together. She's nice to everypony because she wants to be. I think that's one of the things that's so great and special about her. It's certainly one of the reasons I love her so much.

Of course, there is a flipside to that bit. Bonnie is really good at just brushing things off, especially when they're my fault, but if you ever so happen to wrong her, you really better watch out. Being taken advantage of by strangers is one thing my mare can't tolerate, and once you push my Bonnie past her snapping point, she can get a little scary. To put it in other words, this was far from the first date of ours which had ended with multiple bloodied stallions unconscious on the floor before us.

"That was so cool, Bonnie!" I declared loudly, rushing forward to tackle my mare, who was mildly taken aback by the sudden display of affection.

Secret confession time: I may have fallen for Bonnie because she's so nice and sweet... but seeing her go wild and kick some flank, that kinda really gets me going too. it had been quite the shock to see the bits disappear. I had felt so stupid and terrible in that moment, because really all of it was my fault and I just didn't know what to do. Bon Bon did. She galloped right into action and took back what was ours. This moment, it really drove home how much I need her. I was smiling, but there was still this sort of regret bubbling inside of me. I kept thinking on what Applejack had just said to me, and I started to wonder how far I had to test it before everything just snapped in two.

"That stupid jerk deserved it!" I added with a bold nod. "Can you believe how he kept looking at you? He's a no-good creep and stupid too."

Operation Free Drinks had been admittedly short sighted. It was probably a given the guy was going to see right through everything and try and flip it back around on us. I'm not super smart and I'm the first to admit that. That said, this dumb mean thief’s idea was obviously flawed, even to me. I mean, if I was gonna rip off a pair of mares, even I wouldn't have been so stupid as to stick around after grabbing the money. Honestly, what did the jerk expect? He musta seriously underestimated my Bonnie. Either way, he had been dealt with and wasn't going to be a problem anymore. Convinced of that, I let Bon Bon go and stepped back.

"That's right. Bastard seriously crossed the wrong pair of mares," Bon Bon snorted, still fired up from the fight.

"Ugh... what's with all this noise when I'm sleeping..." a groggy voice left the nearby Rainbow Dash as she started to sit up.

Applejack coughed and then stared at the rainbow maned mare. These two were the best of friends. They along with their other friends had some of tightest knit bonds of friendship in Ponyville and were all ponies the community really seemed to admire. I looked up to all of them personally.

"Pardon the noise, hon, but you happen to be sleeping right smack dab in the middle of my bar," Applejack said with a sarcastic bent, giving a laugh.

"Ah, that so..." Dash started as her mind struggle to catch up. She looked around, noticing the stallions on the floor. "Woah! There was a bar fight and I missed it?!" she exclaimed.

"That's right!" I started excitedly. "Bonnie went to town on these suckers with one of your bottles!"

"Nice!" the pegasus said, grinning at Bonnie. She then looked back toward Applejack. "Got yourself an out and out rumble on the first night! I told you this bar was gonna be totally awesome!"

"Yeah, yeah. Gotta say it's been a little messier than ah anticipated," Applejack said through a sigh. She looked really worn from the rough evening. "Makes you wonder if working the bar's always gonna be so rough..."

"Well, ponies plus alcohol can tend to be a volatile combination," Bonnie interjected, looking as if she had come back down from her high.

"Maybe you could get Mac to work the bar instead," Dash suggested, becoming a little quieter. "Then we could stop by and get some drinks together sometime."

Applejack narrowed her eyes and sighed. "You know ah'm not the kinda mare just to shove the burden off onto somepony else, Rainbow. Besides, ah already told ya ah ain't--"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Dash cut the other mare off purposefully. "I just mean... uh... it'd be fun to see which of us could drink more some time, don't you think! We could have a contest."

"Ooh! That sounds like fun!" I piped up suddenly. It was always fun to see two of Ponyville's best compete.

"I hope you're not intending to join in, Lyra. Tonight has proven what we already knew–you are not a mare who holds her drink very well," Bon Bon started, shaking her head.

"Ah think it sounds like a right stupid idea anyway." Applejack rolled her eyes.

"Aww!" Rainbow pouted and slumped in her stool. "Well, either way, I think I'm ready for another cider!"

"And ah think you're ready to go home!" Applejack quickly countered. "You're already rightly sloshed. Ah put anymore in you and it ain't gonna be pretty. This mare has enough messes to clean up as it is without adding more," she added as she glanced toward the still unconscious stallions.

"But c'mon! Applejack, for me..." Dash whined, but the other pony just put her on ignore.

"I think it's also time for us to split. Thanks for the evening, Applejack. It was... uh... fun..." Bonnie spoke up with a forced grin.

"Yeah..." the apple mare sighed. "Thanks for dropping by you two."

"No problem..." Bon Bon started as she fully secured the bit bag in her hooves. "And... about the drinks and everything..."

"No need to worry about it, hon. Y'all didn't order any drinks. The gentlecolt here did. Big Macintosh and me will make good and sure he pays up for it too," Applejack said, shaking her head and actually going so far as to push the bits the stallion had taken from their bag back toward them. "As for everything else... we'll take care of it for now. In the future, just maybe think twice before trying to pull one over on guys like that. It never leads to anything good."

"Yes, ma'am!" I started up immediately, giving a salute. I really felt like I had learned an important lesson that night. Unfortunately for myself, Bonnie and everypony else who has ever met me ever, I tend to forget most lessons I learn. At that moment, I was sure it would stay with me forever though. Of course, I was also still pretty drunk at that moment, so I'm not really sure what I was thinking.

Bon Bon smiled and gave one final nod toward Applejack before turning to leave. I followed readily, more than ready to get out of there. I waved back at Dash and Applejack and everypony else before turning to Bonnie.

"Well, that was a delightful evening, wasn't it?" she asked. i realize now she was probably being sarcastic, but I'm not particularly good at picking up on such things even when I'm sober, and well... yeah...

"No! It totally sucked!"

The pair walked off into the cool night, more than happy to leave Applejack's bar with the bits they had almost managed to squander. It hadn't been the first nor would it be the last time that they hung onto the bottom rung of life by the enamel of their oversized teeth, and they never seemed to learn from it. Maybe it was Bon Bon with her inner arrogance or Lyra with her inability to make better choices, but it was a common occurrence. The same went for Lyra not catching the sarcasm.

"Yeah, it did suck, didn't it?" Bon Bon replied, rubbing her head. She still had her wits about her but that was only because she had the tolerance of a minotaur. Lyra was a better drunk anyway, happy if a bit jealous. Ponies liked getting her hammered–fewer ponies got hammered with Bon Bon's hooves that way. Simple and sound logic.

"Did you see Berry in there? I thought she was trying to clean herself up," Bon Bon asked Lyra, allowing the unicorn to steady herself against her Bonnie. Lyra turned, a smile confirming she wasn't there at all.

"I don't really think they had berries there, silly. It's a bar," she replied confidently, Bon Bon nodding her approval. Well, not approval, just acceptance that her mare was absolutely sloshed and in no condition to hold a conversation.

"Yes, it was most definitely a bar," Bon Bon chuckled, followed by coarser laughter from Lyra. Then Bon Bon tried to talk and it came out a series of small whispers and grunts, causing Lyra to look at Bon Bon with the greatest of confusion. Bon Bon smiled, but kept silent–her body felt a sudden surge of weakness and the two walked and staggered the rest of the distance.

It wasn't too long, or at least it didn't feel like long to the pair of drunk mares, before they arrived at their landlord's residence. Bon Bon tried to place the rent bits into his mail slot once, twice, three times before she succeeded, smiling as she fell into her Lyra.

"Alright, let's get home," she muttered gutturally, her muscles a bit on the weak side. Lyra squeezed her tight.

"Are you okay, baby?"

Bon Bon nodded, her throat on fire.

"Well then, I know just what will make you feel better!"

Bon Bon raised her eyebrows.

Lyra waggled hers.

Fuck yeah.

It had turned out to be a big tease. Lyra led Bon Bon home, a little spring in their drunk steps. But the moment they got home and their backs hit the beds, Lyra was out like a light. Her snores shook the apartment for a few minutes until Bon Bon pushed her on her side. She then attached the rubber protector on her horn–almost getting blinded once was one time too many for Bonnie's tastes. After making sure Lyra was all nice and cozy because Celestia help everypony if she had a bad night's sleep, Bon Bon walked into the washroom and lit a candle.

"Son of a bitch," she thought to herself, too weak to talk. She had begun to suspect that she hadn't walked away from the bar fight as unscathed as she had thought. Maybe it had been a flying piece of glass. Maybe that pegasus had done something, or even the unicorn. Whoever it was, a nice, long cut extended shallowly on her inner front legs. She cleaned the wound and bandaged it up, not suspecting it would-

"NO MY BONNIE NOOOOO!" Lyra screamed, tackling Bon Bon to the ground.

The pair rolled until they hit the side of their large bathtub, rolling back a little with Lyra on top.

"They got little Bon Bon! They got her!" Lyra started to cry, Bon Bon finally managing to kick her off.

"For land's sake Lyra, it's just a small cut! I'm fine!" She yelled back, immediately regretting every second of it as her throat once again felt like it was on fire.

"Y-you sure?" Lyra said, sniffling. Bon Bon nodded, trying to get up. Lyra wiped her nose, her glossy eyes focusing on the toilet. A moment later, she lunged at it, opened it, and threw up. All Bon Bon could do was sigh and crawl out of the bathroom and pull herself on top of the bed. A few minutes, Lyra staggered into bed as well, and finally the two prepared to sleep.

"Bon Bon..."

"...Yes?"

"I think I...drank too much."

"Yes."

"Bon Bon..."

"...Yes?"

"Thanks for kicking some flank."

"Yes."

"Bon Bon..."

"...What?"

"I'm tired."

"Go to bed."

"Bon Bon..."

"...Shut up and sleep, Lyra."

"...I love you..."

"Go to bed."

"Bon Bon..."

"Go. To. Bed."

"Haha, that stallion had a small horn."

"Yes."

"Bon Bon...Bon Bon...Bon Bon...Bon Bon..."

"Lyra, go to bed."

"I looooove yoooouuuu!"

No response. Lyra's eyes opened to reveal Bon Bon less than an inch away, her eyes wide open and bloodshot piercing into her soul.

"Go. To. BED."

Lyra's eyes slowly shut and Bon Bon laid back down again. A few moments later, Lyra's hoof managed to find it's way in rest on her face.

Bon Bon was too far gone to give a damn.