The Average Life of Lyra and Bon Bon... Or Other Misleading Titles

The Average Life of Lyra and Bon Bon... Or Other Misleading Titles
Chapter Five - Dresses and Messes: Part Two

Bon Bon

By the time I got to the market I was already out of it. I was tired, angry, and unwilling to deal with customers. I was as far above them as they were above thieves. I am the eternal rock of their contentment and for all of their annoyances they broke upon me like bits against the surf. I made bank off of them because my shit is the best shit of all the shit, and I’ll stuff your mouth full of bonbons to prove that. See, chocolates needed to be done just right. The right consistency and preparation, the right percentage of cocoa, proper cooking time, the whole shebang. And I’m the best at it all.

But I still had to deal with customers, and some days I just didn’t have it in me to put up with their bullshit. The majority felt so entitled and tried to haggle with you, but this wasn’t the big city where a small businesspony had endless possibilities. I have a small client base, missy! I can’t afford to let you get away with paying me two bits less than everypony else, nor can I afford to waste my time on it.

Also, here’s a few tips if you’re a customer: Stop loitering. You piss us all off. Buy something or leave the cart or shop. We want to either make money or take a nap. If you help us do neither then you’re a waste of not just my time, but every retailer’s time both big and small.

Not that any of that mattered. By the time I set up and was ready to sell, it was four in the afternoon and the majority of the day’s business had passed me by. The little colts and fillies had chosen their place to get fat and die quickly. Sugarcube Corner always had the majority of their business but today they had all of it. Total loss of maybe fifty, sixty bits just right there. I usually made around three-hundred a day which barely covered costs. Today I was losing bits by merely existing.

Only a few ponies came up to even look at my wares, the dry part of the day when I had arrived just kicking off. I just sat there, kicked back with shades as the sun died and the customers along with it when suddenly-

“INCOMING”

Cherry Berry got off of her lazy flank and started sounding the air raid siren conveniently placed a foot or so from her stand.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not this! Not now!

Cloudchaser burst out of a cloud and rocketed to the ground, her eyes wide with terror.
“She’s hopped up on sugar and headed this way!”

“How long?!” I asked, my shades still on because even when I was about to shit myself I had to remain cool as ice.

“A minute, tops! From the west!”

Fuck my life.

I did what everyone who owns a cart shop in the marketplace was trained by awful experience to do. I grabbed a single bon bon, jumped up, and tossed it onto the roof my cart. I shot, I scored. Everypony else was doing the same: making an offering to the Goddess of Destruction headed our way. Immediately after, we all beat our way to the newest shelter, my beautiful hooves taking me to Karat’s jewelry. Right behind me was that floozy Serena who by all intentions I held up a little at the entrance. She had made one too many passes at Lyra and her carrot stand could go to hell.

She, Cherry Berry, and I crashed Karat’s shop, who himself was drawing the blinds. Outside, panic. Ponies screamed and ran around like retarded sheep, filtering hurriedly into shelter. They squeezed through tight doors, jumped over one another, punched, kicked, and bit one another until only one was left, alone and surrounded by locked doors.

“Ha! You dumbass! Serves you right!” Cherry belted out along with a few other choice words, eliciting giggles amongst us. Roma stood in place and turned around, panicking, and I hope she pissed herself. She was an uptight, rude, mean cuntflap and deserved every terrible thing that happened to her.

“Think she’s gonna try and pass her cart off as somepony else’s?” Serena asked, her little dumb head thinking dumb little thoughts.

“After what happened to Burnt Oak, nopony would dare try that again,” I replied with a giggle, cracking my front hooves together while Cherry laughed.

“Yeah! Besides, Roma’s voice is like broken glass-” of course she had to say that, standing in front of the window just as Roma dove through it an effort to escape the market with a shower of broken glass. She hit the ground, rolled, got back on her feet, and staggered over another row of jewelry in a mix of disorientation and momentum. Cherry was knocked out, and Serena and i had to fight down a raging fit of giggles.

“Shut the hell up, she’s here!” Karat whispered venomously, drawing all conscious eyes out the window as we beheld the sign of our destruction.

She flew in haphazardly from the sky, tapping a few clouds which grew dark by her touch before returning to normal reasonlessly from the ground. It was Cloudkicker and Flitter probably, hopping on the clouds from above. Our most hated goddess then looked around the marketplace, a mixture of happiness, joy, and confusion evident across her features. Little did she know that to us, she was considered a more powerful force than all the Princesses. She was judge, jury, and executioner of the court of Ponyville who tried the crime of conducting business. Before her businessponies fled and behind her livelihoods were ruined.

She didn’t mean to, but Derpy Hooves was by definition a walking disaster. She was reasonably intelligent, don’t let that crazy ass eye fool you, but everything she touched fell to ruin almost immediately. She was smart, funny, witty, honest, and loyal–a good friend. But she would put you out on the street after destroying your business if you ever happened to interact with her. She was our Goddess, our terrible, awful, all-powerful Goddess and as intelligent as she was, the concept of deceit was unknown to her.

So we hired a few pegasi, the roster changing daily, to keep a good Derps watch. When we got the call, the marketplace would empty and we all left offerings to our supreme ruler. She would wonder what the hell was going on, shrug, collect the items, and.

Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.

After a few minutes, she left with her items. A few minutes later, we slowly filtered out of our hidey holes. Roma and Karat started getting into a heated argument as Cherry came to, trotting out alongside me as the yelling match behind us grew louder.

“Do you think we need a better system of dealing with her?” Cherry asked as I trotted to my cart.

“Probably. We’ll discuss it at the next meet. I’m packing it in,” I replied bluntly, pulling my sign down.

“It’s only five-thirty.”

“I’m way too hungover to deal with this today. See ya tomorrow, Cheers.”

Lyra

Walking into the Carousel Boutique, I still had no idea what I was going to do. My poor little heart was feeling so heavy. It made me wish I was smarter, more talented and just generally more like Bonnie. She would know what to do, what was truly important. I really wished I could just ask her about it... but of course that was absolutely out of the question. I knew what choice she'd tell me to make. What I didn't know, however, is which choice would make her happier. This was one mistake I really didn't want to make too.

Now, Carousel Boutique is probably one of the most magical places in all of Ponyville. I seldom see reason to fawn over other mares, not when I have my Bonnie waiting for me back at home, but Miss Rarity is so pretty and talented and amazing it's hard not to be blown away in her presence. Like Bonnie, she's also really nice and caring too. She goes out of her way for ponies she cares about, and even sometimes ponies she doesn't even know. She's also best friends with Rainbow Dash and Applejack, who we ran into the night before.

Knowing Rarity, I knew I had my options open, but all the same I was really just so unsure. I had worked so hard to get my special gift for Bonnie, but was it just being rash and wasteful to offer such a thing when the money could instead go toward something more practical like the roof? It made my brain hurt thinking it over. Ultimately this proved quite distracting and I just happened to run right into another pony. I fell over backwards onto my flank.

"Urgh... what in the world...?" a startled voice began. I looked up and steadied my spinning head to see a familiar mare. No, it wasn't Rarity, but instead somepony likely there as a customer just as I was.

"Oh, hiya, Octavia!" I started, grinning at my fellow musician pony, who like me had been thrown to the ground by the sudden collision. "Sorry bout that! I was thinking too much and got distracted."

"Is that so?" the other mare started as she picked herself up and brushed herself off. "I can believe the latter with ease though the former seems an odd fit."

"What's a former and why do you want it to fit you oddly?" I asked, confused as I stood back up too. Octavia's one of those ponies who sometimes will use bigger words and I don't quite get what she's saying anymore. I respect her bunches as a fellow musician though. Both of us answer to the call of music, which naturally makes us kindred spirits. Because of this, it just seems natural for me to treat Octavia like a good friend, even if sometimes she looks at me strangely.

"Never mind, Lyra," Octavia half sighed. "What brings you here today?" she asked, not seeming all too interested.

"Ooh! I came here to see Rarity!" I declared with a bold nod. Octavia quickly buried her face in one of her hooves.

"Really now, Lyra that much should be entirely obvious to anypony," Octavia spoke, rolling her eyes. "I mean to ask the need you have to see Miss Rarity. You've never seemed a mare who would be suited to or particularly interested in finery."

I tilted my head aside as I considered this question a while. I was kind of unsure what to say, particularly because I still wasn't entirely sure what she was talking about, but mostly because given my situation I still didn't entirely know what I was gonna do there. Ultimately I just nodded kind of vacantly and said, "I dunno yet."

Octavia gave a small groan and shook her head. "You know you really shouldn't go around squandering the time of others. Especially not of those for whom that time is valuable."

"Oh, believe me, Octy! This is super important!" I told the other mare with a smile, slapping her on the back to reassure her. I would never think to waste Rarity's time: I wasn't sure how Octavia had even gotten that idea. "Where even is she anyway?"

"Miss Rarity is in the back, preparing my order," Octavia started with a huff. "The Ponyville Symphony Orchestra has commissioned Ponyville's premier fashionista to once again design our ensembles for the coming concert."

I grinned weakly, suddenly recalling what Bon Bon had told me to do today. Octavia was one of the biggest stars of the Ponyville Symphony Orchestra, a classical musical troupe employed by the town who performed concerts and travelled Equestria representing the "best of what Ponyville offered": or something like that. Bonnie had long been encouraging me to join them, but I had always insisted it didn't suit me at all. Octavia was a kindred spirit, but we were still very different. At the same time... considering the burden I currently was faced with, I had to wonder just what was best. I gave a look downward at Octavia's finely hooficured hoofs and sighed.

"Ah... right... the orchestra," I stared in a low voice. "H-how's that going for you?"

Octavia looked at me with her eyebrow raised. "Just what are you getting at?" she asked. She then gave a sigh and answered blankly, "Our ensemble is regarded as one of the best. Thanks in part to my work as a soloist, we are highly sought after. Even many in Canterlot will book us over local troupes."

"I see, I see," I started, not really caring about all that. "And how much does it pay again?" I smiled widely as I pushed us toward the point. Octavia gave me a flat look.

"You wouldn't possibly be considering applying for a position, would you?" she asked, giving a small laugh. "Are you truly under the delusion that a common street musician might be of the right calibre to perform with the Ponyville Symphony Orchestra? Whatever do you expect us to do with that antiquated instrument you haul around?"

My face scrunched up and I felt kind of angry. I wasn't quite sure what Octavia was saying, but I was pretty sure she was making fun of me. "Hey! Bon Bon thinks I could do it and she's never wrong about anything, that means I can! Besides, ponies love my performance! I'm a good musician!" I shouted, giving a little stomp of my hoof.

Octavia shook her head and closed her eyes. "It doesn't truly matter if you are a good musician, Lyra–Well, actually it does, but It's more than just. It's about discipline! The orchestra is a rigorous schedule of performances, each of which must be completely immaculate despite the wear of constant travel," she explained with lots of fancy words. "The symphony is clockwork and we are the spinning gears set perfectly in place. If even one gear falls out of place, the unit shall cease to function as a whole."

I gave another stomp when she was through. As much as I didn't get a lot of it, I didn't want to back down for anything. "Yeah, well, I may not be a gear or a clock or anything, but I know I know I can do stuff when I know that Bon Bon is counting on me."

"It doesn't change the face that the Orchestra is not some medieval faire," Octavia rolled her eyes again. "What use would we have for a lyre?"

"I could play something else. LIke, maybe one of those really big, full sized lyres!" I attested, still pretty fired up.

"You mean a harp...?" Octavia blankly muttered.

"Yeah. That," I said nodding. I had never played one before, but how different could it really be? it was pretty much just bigger, right?

"Lyra, I'm sure you'd find the harp to be quite a different beast," Octavia said.

"It's a beast?" I started, taken aback. "Like the scary kind with sharp teeth and everything?"

Octavia mouthed some words silently before replying. "For Celestia's sake, Lyra. I don't mean literally! It's a figure of speech!"

I still didn't really get it. The harp was a figure of speech? What did that even mean? Figuring I'd just get more confused, I decided not to question it. "Well, even if it was a big scary beast I'd just get my Bonnie to beat it up for me! she's so strong and cool. You should have seen her wipe the floor with these three stallions at AJ's bar last night!"

Octavia seemed uninterested in what I was saying at first, but then suddenly something in her eyes lit up. "AJ's bar? You mean to say Applejack has started a bar in town?"

"That's right!" I said. "Last night was the grand opening!" I gave a small nod. "Oh, but don't go unless you want to get your money stolen by creepy jerks who hit on your fillyfriend."

"Lyra, you know I'm single and don't partake in common drinks," Octavia said shaking her head. "But that is beside the point. This could be potentially problematic. I'll have to talk to Applejack at once..." She looked down for a second and then back over at me. "Lyra, I need to ask you something about the bar and I want you to answer me honestly."

"Sure thing!" I chimed.

"You know my associate, Berry Punch, I trust?"

"Yep! The town drunk! She's really silly," I said with several more nods.

"No! That was her former reputation, but under my guidance that mare–and more importantly her significant other–have freed themselves from their formerly decadent lives to instead follow a path of clean and healthy living," Octavia started, now looking rather intense.

"Oh?"

"Yes! Which is why I must know. I had already visited every bar in Ponyville and had informed the owners that the two of them were recovering alcoholics and should not be served under any circumstances, but..." the mare trailed off, a fire burning in her eyes. "Tell me, Lyra! Was Berry at that bar last night?"

"Well..." I muttered, trying to recall it all. "It's still a little fuzzy... but, yep! I remember seeing her."

"That fool!" Octavia started immediately. "She'll slip and she'll bring Vinyl with her back into that world of debauchery. I can't stand for it." She gave a frustrated stomp. "This must be stopped at once!"

"What must be stopped now, darling?" a lovely nearby voice spoke. I turned around to see Rarity there, bringing out a large wheeled rack that seemed to have over twenty black and white outfits on it.

"Ah, Rarity? You're done?" Octavia started, looking over the symphony dress uniforms.

"Indeed. Twenty six matching dress uniforms for the Ponyville Symphony Orchestra," the fashionista said with a nod.

"Excellent, in that case, I really must hurry. You can just trust me to have someone return the rack, can you not?" Octavia started, already wheeling it toward the door.

"Ah...well... no, I wouldn't mind so long as it is returned," the fashionable mare replied. Octavia nodded and then just started out at full speed. "I look forward to seeing the... show..." Rarity added, though the other mare was long gone by the time she finished.

"Huh. Guess she really was in a hurry," I said, nodding. Rarity glanced at me.

"Ah, Lyra. Good afternoon, darling!" she started with a grin. "Yes. That was quite impressive haste, wasn’t it? I do wonder if perhaps I was too slow in gathering up her order..."

"Nah, she seemed more concerned about what we were talking about," I said.

"If I may pry, what might that be?" Rarity asked, looking curious.

"Oh, about how Berry was at AJ's bar last night," I said, nodding.

"Ah, so you were there for the Grand Opening?" Rarity gave another question. "Applejack kept hinting that I should come, but I found myself quite caught up in the order for the Orchestra and couldn't attend." She smiled weakly. "Out of curiosity, who did you see there last night?"

I nodded again. "Well, me and Bonnie of course. Cloudchaser and Flitter were there before us, and I already mentioned Berry. There was also Big Mac and Noteworthy and Mr. Cake and those three terrible stallions who Bon Bon had to beat. Oh, and your dad was there too."

"Ah, I see... It's doubtful I missed very much in that case," Rarity said, smiling more fully.

"Oh, and Thunderlane and Rainbow Dash were there too and some others I can't remember since it's all fuzzy still," I said. Rarity glanced aside.

"Ah... well... maybe it might have been somewhat fun after all..." she muttered indistinctly.

"Anyway, Rarity," I started, wanting to get to business. "I needed to talk to you about Bonnie's dress."

"Ah, perfect timing actually! As it so happens, I put the finishing touches on that this morning!" Rarity said. "It's all ready to go."

"Ah... I... uh... see," I said, not having a clue how to react.

"You weren't hoping to make some last minute changes now were you?" Rartiy asked, catching onto my worry.

"Well... I don't know... I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to do," I muttered weakly. "I'm not even sure I want it anymore." Despite what I had just admitted, Rarity smiled at me for some reason.

"Tell me everything, dear. I can help you sort it all out," she said as she draped a hoof over my back. I nodded as I looked her in the eye.

"This was supposed to be a special surprise for Bonnie. It's the first real thing I've ever given her and I worked so hard to make it happen but at the same time, our roof is all leaky and it might end up costing a lot and the money I spent on the dress could have gone toward that instead and I just don't know what will make Bon Bon the happiest." Pretty much everything just left my mouth all at once.

"Well, darling, that does sound like a dilemma, and I would gladly refund your bits if that is what you truly feel is best," Rarity said without hesitation. "However, I do think you may be thinking too hard on this. Whether it is with a beautiful dress or just financial support, I would suspect Bon Bon will be delighted to see you take such initiative for her."

"Maybe... but i really just want to make Bon Bon the happiest pony ever!" I asserted, not really sure.

"Then follow me darling," Rarity said, throwing back her mane and stepping away. Curious, I followed her until I was in one of the back rooms.

She stopped right in front of an amazingly beautiful gold and black dress. It was seriously awesome. Bold and showy, but in the good way. It was the kind of dress that told everypony everywhere that the pony wearing it was the best pony ever. It was perfect for Bonnie in other words. Glancing at it, I could already see her wearing it.

"It's perfect..." I said, captivated.

"I made it to your specifications. I must say I am quite proud of how it has turned out," she said, running a hoof along the fabric.

"I think I'll take the dress after all," I said, having made up my mind. Bon Bon was going to love it. Rarity had worked so hard on it too. It was worth more than just the money or the work that had gone into it. I was confident Bon Bon would see that too. "You're right, Rarity. This'll make her really happy. You really know what to do when it comes to love!"

The other unicorn gave a chuckle and shook her head. "Considering you have a special somepony and I do not, it would follow that you're actually ahead of me in that regard," she said.

"Aww, but that's just because you're so amazing. I'm sure you could have any stallion in Ponyville if you wanted, but for a mare like Rarity only like a prince or something would do!"

"Oh, no, I'm through with princes, Lyra. The fantasy is fine enough, but I’ve come to the realization that actual princes are hardly so ideal," Rarity assured me with a smirk.

"Oh? Then what kind of guy is your type, Rarity?" Maybe it was a little rude asking, but now I was like insanely curious.

"Hmm... well..." Rarity said, starting to blush. "Rather than a prince, what I would say is best suited for a fair maiden such as I is, a knight. Perhaps rougher around the edges, but charming in their own way regardless. Bold, courageous and unwaveringly loyal–the resilient sort who would push past the limits of what even seems feasible just to save somepony in need."

"Huh. I guess that does sound pretty cool," I said, tilting my head. "I hope you find a pony like that, Rarity."

"T-thank you, Lyra," the other mare replied, smiling.

"Anyway, I should probably take Bonnie's dress and go," I said. "I need to get back home and I still need to pick up dinner."

"All right," Rarity said as I stepped toward the dress to gather it up. I had already paid up everything, so I was free to just go. "I'm glad to hear you are pleased. I do hope Bon Bon is as well."

"Thanks!" I replied. "I'm sure she will be!"

The walk home for both parties couldn't have been any different. Bon Bon's failure of a day stuck with her like a bad odor, grumbling to herself about Applejack spiking her cider or a dozen other conspiracy theories to rebuff the thought that she had just experienced another normal, crappy day at the market. She'd get over it the next day. She had to. For all of her enormous faults Bon Bon had somepony else depending on her and she was nothing if not responsible. In fact, you could say–

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie.

"Hey there!" She greeted Bon Bon directly in her face, her eyes touching Bonnie's. Bon Bon pulled back.

"Pinkie, what the–where'd you come from?!"

"Home, silly!"

"Of course. What do you want?"

"I wanted to invite you to a party at Sugarcube Corner!"

An invitation fell from the sky onto Bon Bon's nose.

"I'm not really in the moo–"

She was gone. Bon Bon sighed, frustrated, and used her tongue to work the invitation down to her mouth. Better in her mouth than to risk being seen carrying an invite from her rival. She chewed it and swallowed it, adding it to the night's indignities as she continued her trot home. It wasn't too long before she was in the garage and had her cart put away. She stomped into her apartment ruefully.

Lyra, for her part, bounced her way home, her worry superseded and eventually crushed like a rodent by her joy at doing something so loving for her Bon Bon. She deserved the love for being so responsible, and it made Lyra feel good to the core to know she was capable of taking such a risk. As a filly she had never dreamed such a thing was possible, but now as a mare she knew that the greatest feeling you could have was being on the giving end of a gift.

She had entered the apartment just a few minutes before Bon Bon, having time to get washed up and ready for her love as the dress hung in the main room. Lyra was in the middle of brushing her teeth when she heard the garage commotion, leapt up, and ran into the main room. Of course she was still brushing her teeth, but dental hygiene was important! It wasn't just Colgate who told her, and subsequently sold her the exclusive line she had come up with, but even less profitable dentists said it was important!

The door opened.

"HASHY I 'OVE BON 'ON DAH!" Lyra yelled out, jumping up and down. Then she realized she was still brushing her teeth and absentmindedly tossed her toothbrush away with such force it stuck like a knife in a clay wall. She turned back to Bon Bon with wild, expectant eyes.

"It's a beautiful dress just for YOU!"