Chapter Twelve: Cutie Cannabis Cruise

Spike had never run so far away from a crime scene as he did from Rarity's house, and soon enough, from his own. Today had been the most interesting and confusing day in his entire life. To think that he had at least a thousand years of testosterone fueled epicness ahead of him; that was going to be a mild problem for his future self, processing all of that information. Didn't the years start to blend together?

Thinking wasn't something he really tried to do at the current moment. His orders were strict and clear from Rainbow Dash: steal as much weed as he could from Fluttershy's garden and inject it into the Cutie Mark Crusaders as swiftly as possible. Knock out the foals, take their food, hide the alcohol, and consume all the leftover food for himself. Not a bad bargain. Besides, with all the running and mild panic attacks that he had had today, eating all of their candy would be that much more satisfying. Although nipping at some alcohol would not be too shabby of an idea either. Not like anypony would know, if the Crusaders had dived into it themselves first.

His little feet had carried him swiftly to Fluttershy's house, Rainbow Dash having promised to tell Fluttershy of the situation at hoof. Once his nose was trained by a 'specimen' that Twilight had - which explained the weird smells he smelt around the basement from time to time - he dug underneath the large tree in front of her house, finding caches of bagged weed. Score.

"Alright," he panted loudly to himself, his claws covered in dirt, "Rainbow said I should take a tiny bag of 'Mooroccan Meadows'." His emerald eyes quickly scanned the dozens of bags of weed in front of him, ranging from the size of his smallest claw, all the way up to a gold brick of dense green. "Does she really need this much?" Spike said aloud. "Ponies smoke cigarettes, but if this stuff is as strong as that, then she has enough for a year! Maybe this is why you're so calm Fluttershy." He chuckled to himself. Only earlier today he knew little about sex and weed. Quickly, Rainbow Dash had given him a crash course on both, with Twilight adding supplemental material. Now that is how I should of been treated years ago! Why couldn't Rainbow Dash be my sister? Her coat is so soft and now that I know that Scootaloo says she loves to snuggle? It would have been amazing! Some things in life were just universal constants. Rainbow's fluffy frame was one of them.

Ignoring the instructions that he was given to get enough of it for the four of them - plus a bit extra - Spike decided to grab a bag the size of one of his head spines, in case he needed something with a little bit more firepower. You can never be too careful with those fillies, as awesome as they are, he thought, shoving in the pulled up dirt he had haphazardly mined. With a snide grin on his muzzle, he let out one of the softest mists of dragon fire that he could, aging the dirt to make it look like it had been there for years. Light, green flame whispered in the air and over the ground, a beautiful aurora of ticking heat that hardened the ground underneath it. Tiny pebbles cracked and formed around the worn dirt, and to any detective who looked, it would seem like it was a grave or a meditation place. It had meditation of a different sort.

If Fluttershy had seen him and accepted everything that had happened, she would never have to worry about a possible drug bust again. Well, other than the trees she grew. In her back yard. In the open.

It was time to act quickly, and the dragon knew that the longer he delayed, the more horrible the possible outcomes could be. With the plastic bag firmly in his claws, he dashed toward the Apple farm for hopefully, the last time that day. He had enough of running around for today.

He really had had enough damn running for today. His stubby body wasn't meant for this, and he hadn't received any wings yet, which just pissed him off that much more. Neither Twilight or even Celestia knew what species of dragon he exactly was. And ponies think she's some all powerful deity, he chuckled. She's a demi-god, and just a really good leader. Being immortal has it's perks. Like teleporting. And flying. And an empire. And most likely, *amazing weed and food. At least I'm earning my keep for this!* To think, he was about to have the greatest day in his entire, nearly immortal life.

At least, he thought he was.

By the time he reached the fort - in retrospect the foals should of thought of another hiding place to do their activities - he felt like he had done one of the work outs that Rainbow did. He was a panting, wheezing, gasping wreak that barely was holding onto the mortal coil. What both killed him and gave him renewed life was the laughing, moaning sounds of delight that echoed from the windows of the wooden bastion of decadence. It took all of his courage to walk closer. However, he just could not muster enough to look inside.

What he heard, was a horror that nopony in Equestria should've ever had to subject themselves too.

"Oh my gosh, this caramel is so good, Sweetie Belle," Scootaloo moaned. "Pass me some more. Thanks. Caramel to the horn! Heheh! Strawberry milk is mine," she cackled.

"Ahh!" Sweetie Belle squeaked. "That's my horn! You don't put things on that except for engagement rings! Stop laughing! It... feels weird and... really good at the same time. And give me back my milk! I'll pour the chocolate on you!"

"We know yer a kitty cat, Sweetie Belle," Applebloom said, crunching loudly on chips. "And don't waste good milk! Even if it'd be kinda funny. I have ta admit though, chips with peanut butter cups is super. Hey! Don't lick my stomach and give me back my maple syrup fudge!" She growled at the unicorn loudly. "I like that flavor! Fine! I'm takin' all the candy pumpkins then!"

"Why?" Sweetie Belle asked innocently. "I'm just gonna mush it up and-tackle Scootaloo and put it in her wings-cause you've been mean today! Maple syrup crumbles attack!"

"Gah! Don't-oh Wondebolt's don't stop, it feels so good," the pegasus whinnied.

For it moment, Sweetie Belle hesitated. "Umm... Scootle's, can you stop smacking me with your tail? I'm just-I wonder if you taste like chicken! Not that I've ever tasted it. Oh! Maple syrup chicken! Let me try it."

"I'm not a-okay don't stop doing that!"Scootaloo panted loudly in raw bliss. "That is totally a no touch-oh screw it just go! Stay there! Quack! I'm a chicken!"

"Scootaloo, let go of me!" Sweetie Belle cried. "This isn't-don't lick my horn, that's... a no touchie... zone."

Spike couldn't act. His legs and arms knew that they should of dived in there in the most heroic, draconic, greatest and most Spartan way possible, but he couldn't. The images in his head, could of caused wars. Or most likely, result in his intestines being ripped out by his surrogate sister if he didn't act to stop them. And yet, despite his courage, despite his uncrushable will to face evil, seeing the Crusaders sexually active was just too much of a horror for his mind to move. He was shocked, simply by the words and moans. It only got worse.

"Yeah," Scootaloo nickered, "now you know howI feel. Here's another!"

The dark rumble of delight that escaped from Sweetie Belle's mouth was one that sickened Spike to the very core of his soul. "Ohhh, I feel so ticklish and good-"

Both Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo screeched at the pouring of chocolate milk on their coats, Applebloom growling at both of her friends. "Stop moanin' like my sister when she's with Long Tom! Had ta waste good milk on ya two!" She hesitated, mumbling to herself. "Ya two do look cute though, all wet like that and lookin' all silly in the face! Smell good too."

"Eww," Scootaloo whined, "now I have milk all over my fur. Why-Sweetie Belle stop licking... mmm... Nevermind, don't."

"I thought I told ya two-don't put vanilla fudge on my-hey!" Applebloom protested. "Don't you-why are you-okay, that feels kinda good," she sighed. "Sweetie Belle, that tongue sure is talented. This isn't fair! Why ya doing this? What did I do... mmm... okay, ya are the cutest kitty. Sheesh girl, yer something special."

"See!" Scootaloo said. "She's good with her tongue! Now time for me to return the favor! Wonder if you taste like birthday cake."

"I do not!" Sweetie Belle squeaked, slowly letting out a shuttering, shivering sigh. "Scootles, that feels amazing. Oh don't stop!"

It was time for Spike to act. He should of acted a minute ago, or five, but raw evil had gripped his soul and wrenched his heart into a million pieces. There was no Tartarus like the moaning of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. It was up to him to be the greatest hero that Ponyville, no, Equestria, had ever seen. Diving into the fire wasn't an option that would save his life though, so he had to improvise. He had learned from two mares who were the leaders of make shift plans, and he knew what he had to do. Besides, he would look cool in the process.

"I'm a badflank," he chanted to himself. "This is the only shot I have, so I have to make it count!" He did everything he could to pump himself up. He thought about not being eaten alive and used as a soup by Rarity for watching Sweetie Belle degenerate herself into some sort of sexual fiend.

"For future sex with Rarity!" That, was worth marching through death for.

"Rarity!?" The Crusaders called.

He didn't think of the simple solution of just running up to the window. No. Such lameness would of made the gods of awesomeness frown on his manly being for all eternity. Opening up the entire bag of weed, he gently let out the softest of exhales of his draconian flame. Mushing the massive bundle of leaves together, he could instantly smell the crisping edges working its way into his nose. The baseball was ready. His mind was slowly becoming clouded. He had only one shot.

With the deepest inhale from his mouth, the Spike ran forward, pitched his right arm back, and threw the orb of hardened cannabis at the window. Following the trail of pot was a beautiful, ethereal blade of dragon flame, ready to light up the substance the moment it entered the fort.

His aim was so good, he could feel the gods saving a spot for him by their side as the twirling sphere of green, sizzling leaves went straight through the window. There was a problem thorough.

Spike Sparkle had just tossed half a pound of marijuana into the small fort of foals. The amount - and quality - alone was surely a massive waste of fine grass. The second problem, was the mystical quality of his breath. Dragon flame and drugs were something that the world was never meant to have merged together.

With a furious pop of compressed air, the tickling fire broke apart the leaves into a shrapnel of flickering, melting chemicals. The ivory smoke from his weapon hissed in the air like a leaking fire extinguisher, wafting out of the fort in a thick, steamy wave of magically infused THC.

“I did it!” he cheered, shaking his rump and short tail from side to side in a make shift victory dance. “I am-”

His victory was cut short by the loud, thick coughs of the Cutie Mark Crusaders choking on the steam tickling their noses, sending a raw aura of fear across his body.

"Oh man!" Scootaloo gagged. "Are we on fire? Cause this doesn't smell like Tartarus or fire to me. Are we dead? Did we die licking each other? I thought liking mare's wasn't a crime!" She stomped a forehoof loudly onto the floor of the fort.

"And it doesn't smell like burnin' wood ta me," Applebloom said with a sudden, unexpected coo. "I didn't fart! Oh wait, I just did."

"Eww!" Sweetie Belle choked, only to inhale sharply from the depths of her nose. "Oh, my goshie! I can see Mooscow from here! Can't you see it!"

"Oh, my, awesome Dash plot, I can see Sto-vo-kor!" Scootaloo cheered. "We are dead! We're so badflank we went to Sto-Vo-Kor and didn't need to kill anypony! I wish I got to nuzzle into Rainbow's breasts one last time though. Woah! Watch out for the axes!"

You know, I'm not sure going in there for Rarity is worth it. Spike reflected on his statement, pondering if those words really did in fact, come out of his muzzle. They did, they really did. He thought he would travel through all eternity just to see Rarity's lifted tail once more, but...

I think there's a line a man should set up, and seeing the Cutie Mark Crusaders like this, just isn't something I'm going to waddle into. He nodded to himself and his thoughts. There's hearing it, and seeing it, and I just can't take that risk. Spike folded his forearms together and leaned on the tree idly, gently inhaling the musky and thick scent of Fluttershy's beginners grade weed in his nose. He could feel the humming in his ears growing with every moment, and even the very throbbing need to grab Rarity's behind, pin her to the ground, and take her like the dragon he was and use her like she always wanted him to, just seemed less important. Or more important. He couldn't quite decide. He was in a philosophical mood, and if Twilight had seen him like this more often, she would've joyed up and down in joy.

"Ya both are stupid," Applebloom huffed, "we're in the Pegasi Yggdrasil." She pondered, something - much like her sister - she didn't excel at. "For, some, reason. Oh, no! I ain't a pegasusus! I'm not supposed to be here!"

"It's Asgard, Applebutt." Scootaloo growled, "and it's 'Pegasi'. Don't tell me how I know that."

"You are such a nerd," Applebloom growled back, ending her attempt of aggression with a sudden torrent of giggles.

Scootaloo, not exactly clearly thinking either, tittered with delight. "Hehehehehe... your butt is like an apple. Let me nuzzle it!"

"We all can't be at different places and not be at the same place at the same time; that's logically impossible!" Sweetie Belle mused. "And this isn't special effects smoke, but... oh man, I'm dizzy as a ditsy doo dodge ball dance!" The unicorn gasped. "I know how the universe is going to end! So when-oh I forgot."

Applebloom nickered seductively. "Mmm... Scootaloo, can ya lick me there later? I'm really enjoyin' that, but I'm tired. Like... oh man, breathin' in this stuff is like smellin' you all, or something science like. You two smell really good. Come mere, let me lick ya'all once before I sleep."

Scootaloo belched in a manner that her mentor would be proud of. "Haha! Licking your butt means I get your gas Appleblurt! But yeah, I'm just gonna push you over-"

"Ohh, mmm, floor-"

"-and totally lay on you. Oh man, you're kinda muscular like your sister. Heh! You're my pet pig now. I like you, bacon butt. Kiss!"

Sweetie Belle squeed loudly. "Kissie time! Let's make out after we wake up! We're the best of friends and kissing sounds amazing! Threesome snuggle sleep sandwich!"

You know, I never knew how cool I was, until I thought about it right now, Spike said mentally. He let the gentle beat of an electric guitar and drums trundle into the back of his mind, only adding to the sheer greatness that he radiated. It was for the best that he didn't think about what was going on in there, or how he should have smashed through the fort for his wonderful goal of Rarity groin, but... the high going through his head, was just so much better. The loudest part of his mind yelled at him for even thinking that was possible, but the simple coolness and stoned peace he got, just said it was alright.

He was taking the marijuana moderately well, from an observers point of view. Sure, it inflated his ego within a mountain's range of Rainbow Dash's, or should he say confidence? Both perhaps? It chilled Spike out in a manner he had never really realized he could be calmed down to. He felt older, wiser, more skilled; perhaps this is what he would feel like in the next few years, or hundred. He didn't exactly know. Nor did he realize despite his biology not exactly being meant to resist THC, it was doing it's best, and it did a pretty decent job at it, compared to the giggling, kissing, yawning fillies above him.

Rainbow, and I, need to talk. He nodded firmly to himself, emerald eyes reflecting on his musings on life, the universe, and everything. And Twilight, too. I got some ideas. *Good** ideas.* I can manage their stock portfolio when they get old. Since I'm pretty much going to be here when industry takes over, I can see in the long view. I got perks that no other pony is gonna have; I got a lifespan they all don't have! Heh! I'll corner the market.

Of course, as Spike was pondering the economic domination of Equestria with an alabaster unicorn by his side and firmly implanted on his crotch for several decades, his ears and mind completely didn't notice the suckling kisses that three foals were making above him. They lasted for about thirty seconds, before they passed out from the raw overload of Fluttershy's newbie dope. In the end, he had inadvertently succeeded on a semi-successful level that could be leveraged in the morning. For now, it was time to relax.

But the even minor possibility of being killed by the Elements was okay, for the white cloud that hovered in a foggy mist around him had awoken the greatest economic mind that Equestria would see for centuries. The mind who would usher in the third industrial revolution, help send ponykind to the moon, help colonize space, and become the undisputed tycoon and eventual prime minister for life of all of Ungulia.

As long as Fluttershy didn't beat him to death for burning nearly two thousand bits worth of weed.