Ethanol, Elements, and Estrogen

"Six, mares, suck."

Spike kicked a rock as he walked toward the Cutie Mark Crusaders' tree house. It was a good thing he could easily trick Owlowiscious into guarding the library for him today; he wasn't in any mood to hold down the book fort, as Twilight had ruined his desire to do so. The owl too, much like himself, was easily bribed by food. Insects and mice happened to do the trick. It disgusted Twilight, and it added only another job that the dragon was required to do. And all she does, is sit on her plot, and study, and do whatever she wants to do, he thought.

"What about you, Spike? Would youlike to go hang out with my girlfriends today?" He could hear how excited Twilight's voice sounded, egging him on in his mind with a playful swish of her tail and excitement gleaming in her glowing eyes.

"Would I!? I don't care if we're going on an adventure or seeing a movie or just sitting around talking! I would love to Twilight! I just love learning about what you all do. I'm ready when you are! I promise not to try to be like Rainbow Dash, honest."

The unicorn nickered haughtily at her younger brother. "Adults, only,Spike. Maybe when you're older."

"But I am older!" he cried. "I'm half a hoof taller since we've come to Ponyville!"

"When, you, are older." With a fizzling snap of air compressing around her, Twilight Sparkle left Spike's mind only that much more annoyed than it was already.

"Damn it, Twilight, don't you remember I cleaned your bed when you used to whizz yourself?" He reached down with a claw and dug his teeth into the rock in his hand, smashing it to pieces between serrated edges of masculine destruction. "Do you have any idea how bad that smells with all the junk food you eat? I was a baby so I get a free pass, but you did it up until you were eleven." And she wondered how he had matured so quickly.

He was thankful he didn't take the main road, or any road for that matter. Every step he took he felt like kicking something, and about every hundred or so, he did. The dragon mumbled curse words that he both knew and didn't know. She wasn't here to hear them, and he needed to vent to himself and not be caught. He could never yell at Twilight unless she did something he didn't find morally right. And since they almost always agreed...

"Horse apples and pony poop," Spike mumbled, drudging across the lightly tree sprinkled plains between Ponyville and the Apple Farm. So far, he hadn't been caught, so clearly Fate was on his side for the moment. If he could bribe Fate, he would. Given a couple hundred years he was sure they'd come up with a deal as his hoard grew. Fate was greedy when enough money was thrown its way.

Thankfully, he was able to go the whole way to the tree house unmolested, except for the faint taunts of his older sister in his head. You know, what if they aren't there? I never thought of that. Crap. Once more, providence was currently giving him its divine sanction as he reached the tree house. The chipper sounds of three young fillies pondering their next insane ploy that should of killed them - or sent them to therapy - echoed in his ears. He sighed happily to himself in that sure, the ponies could get on the nerves of every living being within a ten mile radius, but for the moment, they would offer him the comfort he needed.

Unless they didn't, in which case Spike would heavily consider eating a lot of apples to fix his weary, painful soul by filling his stomach until he wanted to puke. He had the worst personality traits in the world.

"-we don't have Sunday school like some ponies do in Roma," Scootaloo's slightly gravelly voice said. I hope she never picks up smoking, Spike chuckled to himself, because she'd sound like one of those lip sticked mares in Canterlot, who look like they've been abused. Why doesn't anypony help them? Twilight said they've done bad things, but police brutality? The guards in Canterlot are usually so nice! Except the ones without the armor, they tend to be bullies.

"My sister wouldn't want me worshippin' Celestia like a deity anyways," Applebloom said. "Granny likes us ta keep to the old Earth pony gods, even though they've been kinda shy."

"Rarity worships Iron Chef and Amareican Pickers!" Sweetie Belle chirped. “She’s an amazing cook, and I think I’m gonna take after her and maybe be a chef one day!"

She loves to cook too? Spike was practically purring in his chest at the thought of baking something with Rarity, his talons gently stroking down her finely lotioned sides as the smells of wonderfully spiced vegetables and her shampoo rolled to the back of his brain. He pulled himself up toward the fort, more than content for the moment to listen on the conversation of three wild fillies talking without his presence known. It satisfied a stalker side of him that he didn't even really know he had. Draconic urges died hard. Or were just repressed.

In reality, Sweetie Belle’s compatriots decided not to comment on her cooking. The less that was said about it, the better. "Tell me about it," Applebloom groaned, "AJ and her can go on for hours about 'dem pickers; and when Twilight joins ‘em I just wanna bang my head into a door."

Spike poked his head above the window of the fort to simply watch the fillies laying around and not destroying anything for once, discussing television, and focusing on the current. Rarity could always wait for his night dreams. Twilight never shuts up about Pawn Stars. It's like she's testing herself on useless knowledge. He pondered to himself. Well, it's more useful than most of the books she reads anyways.

Scootaloo folded her forehooves behind her head casually, huffing at her two best friends, laying down idly on her back. “Rainbow Dash doesn't watch any of those stupid shows. And she has the best TV in all of Ponyville county! Huge fifty inch flat screen. It’s killer.”

“I’m sure you know that pretty well, Scootaloo,” Applebloom hummed, stroking her own tail deviously. “Since ya more likely were in her lap watchin’ somethin’.”

“She does like to pet you a lot,” Sweetie pondered, stroking her chin in thought. “Are you... a pet to her? Can I... pet you? Do you kick your hind hooves if I rub your stomach?”

Crimson quickly complimented the dull napalm colored fur of the pegasus. She pulled herself upright on reflex. “W-w-what!? She just does it cause it relaxes the muscles, and so what if I watch movies with her? My dad doesn’t care!”

“Oh he’d care if she treated ya like yer her foal, which she does.” Applebloom was positively blooming with glee at putting Scootaloo in a corner, watching her friend’s small wings rapidly flutter in shyness and embarrassment.

“She does not you dork, and I’m not a pet, Belle, I just like being next to her! A-a-anyways, she likes really cool stuff like martial art films and thrillers, when she’s not doing something amazing.”

“Or watching Anime,” Spike added.

“Or Anime-hey wait, no she doesn’t!” Scootaloo barked at Spike. “Rainbow would never watch cartoons anymore! She’s not six!”

He hopped through the window easily enough, landing on the floor of the tree house with a confident smile. “Really? Hey Scootaloo, who’s Twilight's younger brother?”

She twitched her wings rapidly. “Y-y-you?”

He nodded. “Uh-huh. Now, who knows a bunch of Twilight’s secrets?”

“Y-y-you?”

“And who would know what friends Twilight enjoys doing what with?”

“Y-y-you?”

He plopped himself down on the wooden floor with a smug grin. “Well I Pinkie Pie Promise that Rainbow Dash, loves Anime; they both got into it together, and I know you watch it with her.”

Scootaloo stood up with another wisping flicker of her wings, glaring at the smirking faces around her. “S-s-so yeah I do! It’s cool! Shut up! You’re all jealous cause she’s warm and soft and hot and-”

“We knew you had a crush on her!” Applebloom and her fellow Crusader in insulting arms fell over squealing in laughter, kicking their hooves in the air with foal like delight.

Wow, I feel right at home here! Man, maybe I should hang around these girls more, when they aren’t doing something crazy, or maybe even then! Thatwould be killer. To think, that all he needed was his little circle of friends; he was as coiled up as Twilight was at times, and to have a pressure valve to creak open would be fantastic.

"Hey, don't feel bad about it, Scootaloo," Spike said gently, poking the muzzle tip of the softly growling pegasus. “If it makes ya feel better, I got a secret on Applebloom. Let’s say it’s... a payment for sneaking in the tree house.”

All three of the Crusaders turned their eyes toward Spike, blinking as the entities of chaos that they were. “Come on,” he continued, “you made fun of her, and that’s what friends do! Besides, you all know if there’s any pony out there who every pony finds sexy, it’s Rainbow Dash.”

With her wings spread and a glowing smile of victory on her face, Scootaloo flicked her tail in triumphant joy. “See!?”

“W-hat’s... sexy, and what secret’s do ya have on me? Oh no, please, Spike, don’t make me wanna cry,” Applebloom pouted, her bottom lip quivering.

He waved a claw dismissively at the earth filly. “It won’t be that bad, it’s just about the time you were reciting a poem you wrote during the reunion last year, and you happened to have done it... from another mouth, if I may be polite.” Rarity, can’t you see our tongues are meant to be together? The irony of fart humor and Rarity simply didn't connect in his mind, despite said mare enjoying a sprinkling of it when aptly seasoned.

Applebloom flailed about in panic as her friends fell over in gay laughter. “I-I-It was the baked beans! I can’t resist ‘em! The sauce was thick and I-”

“Nice going, Appleblurt.” Scootaloo had degraded into tear jerking hysterics, rolling around on the floor while Applebloom pouted up at Spike. He rolled eyed at her claims of unfair treatment. Maybe, just maybe, he had a darker side to him that Twilight had awoken through repressing his freedom of movement. Or maybe he was just a dragon. He could get away with it though, because he was damn cute. And sexy, he rumbled to himself.

“You asked for it, Applebloom,” Spike nodded. “You know it’s true.”

“Y... you guys are so mean to each other!” Sweetie Belle giggled. “I just can’t do it! I love you two too much!”

With a deep groan, Scootaloo wrapped a forehoof around Applebloom, patting her head with a wing as if the earth mare was uranium she was required to touch. “And I... love you too-just never tell Rainbow I said that.”

Applebloom perked up quickly, squeezing the life out of Scootaloo almost to a T, resulting in a gurgling choke that was only made worse by the unicorn joining in on the free hugs. “I love ya too, Scootaloo,” Applebloom nickered. “Just cause we butt heads and head butts doesn’t mean we don’t love each other!”

“Cutie Mark Crusader superhug!” Sweetie Belle squealed as she joined in on the hug, clearly to the gagging disgust of Scootaloo.

Scootaloo's eyes spoke volumes. See what I have to put up with?

Oh you know you love it, Spike’s eyes replied.

...Damn it, Scootaloo’s eyes said submissively. “So, uhh, what does sexy exactly mean? All I know is that it’s a compliment, and it fits Rainbow, so I have to know what means!”

“Sexy is what Rarity wants to make everypony.” Sweetie Belle jumped on top of the Crusaders’ podium. “How all of those mares and colts look in those magazines of hers. It’s all about moving your flanks a bunch while not falling over, and making it look natural. How you stand and act and dress and stuff! I’m not sure Rainbow fits the clothing part, but she does have the hips and the attitude. It’s why you have a crush on her, Scootles!”

And so does Rarity. Mmm... Spike's thoughts once again wandered in a direction that he both wanted and didn't want them to wander too. Was it his fault that Rarity was as attractive as she was? Just the way she fluttered her eyelids broke hearts. His heart could be broken a thousand times by her, and he would stare at her just for one more look.

“What are you a stalker and your sister?” Scootaloo growled at Sweetie Belle. "When did you know so much about fashion?"

“And you don't do that ta Dasha?” Applebloom said.

“How can I stalk a mare who invites me to her house, boob head?”

Applebloom leaped forward, pressing her muzzle into the pegasus' as the two mares began to argue, much like their older counterparts did. “I don’t got no boob on my head!”

The snide smile that spread across Scootaloo's face would of made her mentor proud. “Yeah, but you will with how big Applejack’s are. They’ll totally bend around your crotch and hit you in the head when you walk,” Scootaloo snorted, resulting in a dark laugh from Spike. Oh my gosh they just...

For only the shortest flash of a second, Spike pondered about intervening. About doing what his sister would do. Breaking up fights before they exploded was a trait that Twilight had learned well since moving to Ponyville, and Spike had begun to master it himself.

Nah. That would've ruined half the fun. Rainbow Dash would've been proud of him. Dash would of been proud of the chaos. She was a good libertarian-anarchist like that.

“My sister can’t help what mama gave her," Applebloom snorted, prodding Scootaloo in the chest with the hardest end of her forehoof. "And they aren’t that big, and mine won’t be either, butt pecker!”

The argument had broken down to Scootaloo and Applebloom pressing their snouts together, shoving each other physically with every insult and retort. “At least I won’t need to use that ribbon to hold your knockers together!” Scootaloo neighed, blow out air from the end of her muzzle.

“How... I’m trying to picture this, and I can’t.” Sweetie Belle folded her ears. “Why is my brain so awful at pictures?” Her muzzle collapsed on the podium as she pulled herself down, lost in her brain's inability to visualize just about anything most things.

The fight didn't seem like stopping anytime soon. “Oh yea?" Applebloom huffed smugly. "At least I don’t brown nose Rainbow Dash, cause that’s why yer coat looks like dried up pig slop!”

“Well Rainbow’s smells nicer than Applejack’s anyways!” Scootaloo stomped a forehoof on the floor resolutely, spreading her wings at winning the battle of words.

Silence filled the room. Three pairs of eyes slowly looked at each other, before setting a confused and interested gaze on the pegasus. Scootaloo looked between her friends - and the half defending her dragon - in bemusement. “What? It’s true,” she said.

Applebloom was the first to speak, raising a forehoof. “W-w-why were you sniffin’ my sister?”

“Y-yeah they both kinda smell gross," Sweetie Belle shivered. "Rarity does too back there, o-only cause I’ve bumped into her before!” she covered for herself.

“It’s nothing to worry about,” Spike casually said, wrapping a paw around Scootaloo protectively. “No, really, it isn’t. In fact, if anything, Scootaloo here is most mature of all of you.”

“Aww yeah!” Scootaloo squeed. “You two just got owned.”

Spike idly stroked down Scootaloo's back, letting his talons trace down her spine, feeling the grooves that wormed there way done her body. She shivered softly in content at the unique feeling of claws tracing down her frame. He didn't even realize he was doing it. “They sure did, and let me explain. Ponies sniff around the posteriors of other ponies they like when they reach adulthood, but it’s much more subtle in public and considered very rude, so Scootaloo didn't own you two there.”

Each of the Crusaders eyed each other in bewilderment before Spike continued on his hypothesis. “Where she did own you though, was in that she’s way ahead of you on developing this, like Rainbow was. She, is on the quest - although this is just speculation on my part - to get, laid."

The three fillies looked at each other for a few moments, blinking slowly in comprehension.

“But... isn't laying down how we sleep?” Applebloom asked, scratching the back of her head.

“Y-yeah I’m pretty good at just laying around,” Scootaloo said, flicking her tail.

“I’m not,” Sweetie Belle said dejectedly, looking at the floor. She scoffed at the wood, folding her ears sadly. “I get really bad back and side pain, and my mattress is too stiff. Rarity won’t get me another one, even though her perfume is expensive! It isn’t fair!”

Is this what Twilight feels like around me? “I mean get laid with another pony!” Still, confusion graced the cheeks of the Crusaders, plopping themselves down onto their hindquarters. “Uhh... laying down together? Rainbow Dash likes that a lot if you all having noticed.” He groaned in a manner Twilight would surely approve of. “Walking in a way to get really close to another pony? Laying with them? Do I have to spell this out?”

“B-but Big Mac lets me lay beside ‘im all the time,” Applebloom said. “Like, really. After a days work an’ after dinner, I just lean into him for an hour as he reads his books ‘n he tells me how much he loves me ‘n Applejack does it too. Honest! So... did I get laid? I didn’t have to do no sexyfying.”

“And Rarity let’s me do it even when she’s groaning the whole time!” Sweetie Belle flicked her tail. “Except when I’m crying, then she stops groaning and tells me how lovely I am, and I don’t think she’s joking then either...”

“Dash and Dad do that too,” Scootaloo said, preening with confidence as her wings spread by her side. “Dad is usually tired, but Rainbow, like, totally lets me nuzzle into her and smell her coat, and oh man she’s as soft as she looks, except for the totally awesome muscles she has underneath. I just rub my muzzle through her side and lick at her fur, and it makes her giggle. She treats me like-” Scootaloo stopped, three pairs of eyes wide and staring at her. “Okay, holy crap I have a crush on her, but it’s not like an Apple family crush, cause we aren’t related!”

“My family is not incestouspous!” Applebloom growled, gently shoving the pegasus. “I hate how everypony says that! We just try to keep it to fellow Fruits is all! Keeps the cutie marks ‘pure’ as Granny says. Ever since that feud in the 1800’s with the Tungsten’s.”

Spike threw his claws in the air. They needed a prime example. “Like how I want to play Titanic music, take Rarity to a nice dinner, stroke her and then show her what a dragon tongue can do getting laid!” All three of the fillies looked up at the dragon in raw shock, their eyes saucers of shock and awe.

All Spike could do, was sigh deeply to himself. Well... buck. It was the best word he could think of to describe everything. Twilight would’ve grounded him for years if he ever said that aloud.

Of course, shecould say it if a book slammed on her knee or she hit a leg on a corner, which she did and several other words Rainbow used casually. Twilight being vocally pure? Spike knew that his sister, despite having a vocabulary that nearly reached a hundred thousand words, decided sometimes to use a lexicon you didn’t use in public. But that’s okay for her, right?

Sometimes, she could be a real bitch. Yeah, Twilight, I knowwhat those words mean.

“S-s-so is that... what special someponies do?” Sweetie Belle whispered.

“Yes,” Spike said tiredly. “Special someponies make out, and snuggle. That, is called getting laid. Or, you don’t even need to be special someponies; you can go to clubs and just do it for a day. And you know what? They are doing that tonight, and they are drinking.” He folded his arms, blowing out a cloud of smoke from the end of his muzzle. “It isn’t fair to us. They treat us like babies."

“It isn't!” Applebloom shouted. “I’m gonna steal us some Apple Alcohol, and we’re gonna get tipsy and twanky, and we’re gonna do what Dasha and AJ and them other girls and colts do. We, are gonna get laid! Cause I wanna have a fun time!”

Scootaloo shot up into the air with a rapid pulse of her wings, before landing on the ground, smiling like an idiot. “Aww yeah! Let’s find us some colts to kiss and share cider with! We’ll get laid, and tipsy, and have a great time, and talk about it at school tomorrow when our sisters are still havin’ their heads poundin’. We’ll be totally the talk of the school!”

“Oh my gosh that sounds amazing!” Sweetie Belle cantered in place, letting out incoherent sounds of raw bliss at the idea. “We’ll just say to Cheerilee that we all got headaches from hitting our heads doing logging or something!”

“Genius!” Applebloom and Scootaloo squeed.

“Cutie Mark Crusader Laid... er... nators yay!”

Spike prodded all three of the fillies on their nose tips. “Only, if I can come too. You three need a guy to help convince the other guys how cool you are.” And you all can help me find a filly who Rarity will begme to reconsider for her. Rarity was always, the end goal of every single plan Spike would ever conceive of.

Hehehe. Spike, was pleased by his own genius.