Trains are horrifyingly boring, like, unnervingly so. I feel like they're a conspiracy fronted by the illuminati to make us more lethargic. Naturally my lord and savior, the incomparable Shrek can provide entertainment, but the portable DVD player in my suit is dead, and these ponies have apparently never heard of mobile power outlets.

Well, with my DVD player currently in a state of abeyance, I suppose I should get ready for that whole "fighting an army" thing I'm gonna do. I don't get it though, this world has to have some main characters, but all of the pones I've met thus far have been background pones; Luna especially.

Well, anyway, it's time to start working out. I open a compartment in my leg and pull out a training bra, then I put it on. I start doing pilates in front of the other ponies. I shake my moneymaker all over the place, rocking it like never before.

I make my way through the carts and into the cockpit(trains have those right?). I proceed the twerk it in front of the captain.

"Excuse me sir," says the conductor as he tries desperately not to look at my marvelous butt,"but you're twerking too hard, and it's throwing the train off-route."

"Does your route include the attitude store? Because you clearly need a new attitude!" I smack him in the face, knocking his cracker ass out.

Suddenly the train lurches, and starts shaking. A loud screech can be heard coming from outside. I look out the windshield to see that we've derailed, and are currently hurtling towards a cliff. I stick my head out the window.

"Hey fuckfaces, why aren't you keeping your well-toned asses on the track?"

They turn their heads to me.

"I don't know, the conductor keeps us in check, where'd he go?"

"I twerked in front of him, and he fainted."

Suddenly the ponies start screaming, flailing their legs wildly as they run.

"Without the conductor, our lives have no meaning! Suicide is the only option!"

They speed up, running full force to the edge of the cliff. They leap off, taking a train full of ponies with them. Looking out the window, I can see a large grey and black mass of ponies. We land directly in the middle of it.

Instantaneously the train explodes as it crushes hundreds of the grey and black evil-pones. A burst of bright orange flame juts out at every angle, setting hundreds more of the ponies ablaze. All the while I've been running through the train to the back exit, passing charred and broken bodies without a care in the world.

Just before it hits, I leap from the train, catapaulted skyward by the giant fireball that pursues me. Thankfully though I'm ~~the main character~~ a total badass, so I survive the initial shockwave.

Naturally when I land, I strike a badass battle pose. Then I turn to see various clouds of smoke and steam rising up from the rubble. The snowy landscape has become a giant, flaming crater, filled to the brim with twisted, red-hot metal, melted skin, and broken bones.

I turn to the innocent crowd of evil looking ponies, half of which are either dead or about to be killed by me. They all look exactly the same, though some of them, true to the starfish name, have weird legs that are either too short or too long. I don't especially care though, I'm on a mission; a mission to not have my bones melted by a stupid background princess.

By the way, if you're wondering how I know Luna's name even though she never told me, its because of the chapter title. They're usually a retarded attempt at a "clever" play on words. Even so, it's still a pretty big plot hole. Maybe the author is just stupid.

Technically though, I'm telling the story, so that makes me the author. So, I called myself an idiot.

As usual, I look to my enemies for assistance.

"Hey samefags, am I an idiot?"

They all look at each other.

"Yeah," says one of them.

I don't like being called an idiot, so I pull out my machine gun and blast their cracker asses. They all charge me, launching black crystals at me. I pistol whip one of the closer ones.

It's party time.

Shepard reeled back as hundreds of King Sombra starfish charged him, enveloping him in shadows. They used their creepy starfish parts to suck out his bones and muscle, leavening only his skin. They used his skin as a cape for their leader, who killed Celestia in celebration.

Eventually the army of Sombras took over the world, killing everyone, except Derpy who they enslaved.

And Shepard died forever.

The end.

Author's Note

I wrote this while giving blood.