Lyra the Stalker

Chapter 1

Lyra felt that familiar pitter-patter in her heart as the lovely Twilight Sparkle walked by. She was graceful, beautiful, flawless, bewitching, gorgeous, spell-binding, okay, we get it.

Sorry.

Am I in love with her or are You?

You. Now where was I?

Spell-binding.

Right:

Spell-binding, utterly perfect in every way. Lyra could watch the voluptuous librarian go anywhere. Of course, she was interrupted by her good friend, Bon Bon.

“Are you staring at Twilight again?” she asked.

So, which voice is she using this time?

Hey, you're supposed to be responding.

Oh, yeah, sorry. “Kind of,” replied Lyra. “I can't help it! She's just so entrancing, so luminescent, so are you using a thesaurus or what?”

Wait, did you just say that to Bon Bon?

Drat.

“Why would I be using a thesaurus?” asked Bon Bon suspiciously.

You're just making her say that to get back at me from the prologue.

Maaaybe.

“Ugh, you're awful,” commented Lyra.

“Awful? Lyra, you're being so mean today!” cried Bon Bon.

“No, no, I didn't mean it at you!” Lyra responded.

“Well, then, who did you mean it to?” she asked.

“The Author!” said Lyra. Now hold on. I'm not letting her know about You.

What? But I had a great backstory for you and everything!

No, I'm not... having... had told her, whatever. This is weird enough having to deal with it. I highly doubt I could explain it to a normal pony like Bon Bon.

Aww. Can I least let Pinkie know?

Sure. I've talked to her a couple of times out of Canon. Anyway, I'm gonna scratch what You just said.

Fine.

“Well, then, who did you mean it to?” she asked.

“The Author! Twilight. She's... awful, taunting me like that.”

“Oh, okay,” said Bon Bon, her normal cheerfulness returning. “You've really got to stop obsessing over her, though. I'm sure she thinks it's creepy.”

“I can't help it!” she opined. “I want to talk to her, but she's just so... important.”

“Why don't you get a book from her, then?” Bon Bon asked. “That should be an easy way to get the chance.”

“Whenever I go, though, the door is always, er, locked.”

Locked? Does the library even have a lock?

No. Actually, by some twist of fate, I'm always stopping by when the Canon is going. Same difference, really.

“Besides,” Lyra added, “I don't think I could muster up the courage to talk to her anyway. I'd mutter and stammer and not look her in the eye--”

“That is enough, Lyra!” said Bon Bon. “I know you better than anyone else in Ponyville, and I believe in you! If you won't believe in yourself, believe in me who believes in you!”

“Really?” Lyra asked. “A Gurren Lagann reference?”

Hey, if it's appropriate... and you said that in the story again.

Dang it!

“Goo-wren... Log-on?” Bon Bon sounded out the foreign words, utterly perplexed. Apparently, she didn't spend all her time watching stupid anime on the Internet and did something useful with her life.

Hey, leave me out of this.

Nah, don't think so.

“It's a... Nippony thing,” said Lyra. “The kirin make a show called that.” Ooh, you're so smart, you know what a kirin is. And do You have to italicize it every time? It makes my head hurt.

Shut up, Lyra. I thought referencing the Japanese unicorn would be appropriate here.

Whatever.

“Oh, I see.” Bon Bon wasn't wholly convinced. “In any case, do you have any plans for this evening?”

“Yeah, I've got a composition to write,” she replied. This wasn't entirely true. While Lyra did have a composition to write, that wasn't what she would be doing tonight. She had much more... exciting plans.

Do You really have to be so vague? It's in the dang title. Everyone knows I'm going to be camping out Twilight's house, or whatever You have planned.

Hey! I was gonna do a jump cut to it and everything! Now you've ruined it.

Well, if it'll get this stupid story over with, why don't You just do it anyway?

But... my suspense... ;_;

Ugh. Please don't do emoticons anymore. My brain read that as “semicolon underscore semicolon.”

All right, Lyra. I won't do any more. ;)

I'm watching You, buster.

Just help me with the jump.

Fine.

Lyra sat by the window with binoculars to her eyes. She had climbed into a nearby bush, not realizing that it was a nettle bush a nice little bush with plush, fluffy leaves.

Don't mess with the story without my permission.

I'm the one climbing into it, right? If I'm an experienced stalker, I'd know which bushes to choose.

…

Right, moving on. She watched as Twilight went about her nightly routine. Lyra had it nearly memorized: first a quick brush of her hair, then changing into her jammies. You know we don't usually wear pajamas, right?

Shush. Seeing people change is creepy, so it'll fit perfectly.

Yes, but watching ponies change isn't.

Rest of the routine.

Fine. Finally, Twilight kissed the top of Spike's head and tucked him in. It was so cute, in her bookish little way. At last, she wiggled herself into her bed. That was Lyra's favorite part. The undulation seemed so... erotic to the mint unicorn. No, my favorite part was definitely the forehead kiss.

Who's writing this, you or me?

Who's living it? Anyway.

Lyra packed up her things, satisfied. Another wonderful night of watching the mare of her dreams go about her daily life. In her heart of hearts, Lyra yearned to weave herself within that same routine, to also be kissed before being tucked into bed. She wanted to hold Twilight close and love her, but her heart just could not find the way to speak to that wonderful purple unicorn.

Suddenly, out from the bushes jumped Pinkie Pie.

Am I not allowed to go one paragraph without being interrupted?

Ssh! This is important!

What do you mean? What's happening?

Ssh! You've got to let it--

PINKIE PIE jumps from the bushes. She begins to wave her forelegs about, calling out to everypony in the nearby vicinity:

PP: Wolf! There's a wolf in the town! And it's gonna gobble us all up!

Lights flick on one by one as townsfolk begin scurrying about in panic.

PP: Everypony run for your lives!

The lights in the Ponyville library turn on, and TWILIGHT SPARKLE comes on screen. She has frazzled hair, and she is wearing silk pajamas adorned with her cutie mark.

TS: Pinkie? What's going on?

PP: (overly earnest) There's a wolf in Ponyville, and it's gonna eat us all up!

TS: Are you sure it wasn't just your imagination?

PP: (a faint smile on her face) No, Twilight, honest! I saw it up by Sugarcube Corner.

TS: Then I'll go alert the mayor! Everypony, remain calm! Try to stay together.

Twilight leaves the screen. We follow Twilight as she...

...Was that it?

Yup, I think we're good.

What was that?

The Canon. Or at least, it sort of felt like it.

Oh. … Oh! I was gonna do this later!

What do you mean?

I wanted to weave a pseudo-canon into this story. It's like "The Boy who Cried Wolf," only in pony format.

Did you set it in the daytime?

Yeah, actually. It was gonna be when you tried to talk to Pinkie for advice.

You nitwit! This scene has to take place at night! Pinkie has to wake everypony up for it to really make sense!

Oh, you're right. I apologize.

It's all right. I'm pretty used to it by now.

Pretty used to the canon interrupting you, or to me messing up?

Both.

Ha-ha.

So, is that what You were really going for?

Well, I didn't want it to be in script format, and I certainly didn't want it to be Courier New[1].

The Canon is all-powerful. It even bends lesser Authors to its whim.

You just learned that. Don't pretend you already knew that.

Grr. So, what am I supposed to be doing next?

Err, I forgot. The script's all bungled now, so... how about this?

“What are you doing by Twilight's house?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Eep!” cried Lyra. She nearly jumped up half a mile.

“Don't you live on the other side of Ponyville? What are you doing here this late?”

“Oh, that is, I...” Lyra stammered. I don't know what You want me to say!

You didn't have a plan if you got caught?

I just started this gig! We're only a thousand words in!

Well, think of something!

You think of something!

Who's living this?

And who's writing it?

“Uh... Lyra? You okay?”

“Yes, of course!” she said, face aglow with a fake cheery smile. “I was, uh, going to return a book! But, uh, Twilight just left, so I can't.”

“You'd better be careful. Pinkie says there's a wolf in Ponyville.” Rainbow reaffixed the goggles she was wearing and flew off. “Stay indoors!” she hollered to the wind.

Wait, did You mention she was wearing goggles?

No. She's wearing them to help see the wolf better. It's part of her weather leader uniform.

Did You explain that, mister genius Author?

I just did.

…

This is an unusual fic.

Yeah, I know. Quoting Yourself is the lowest form of humor. Oh, and You just sent away Your only plot hook.

Drat. Ooh, how about:

Suddenly, Rarity walked by. No, You can't do that. You literally just did that.

Ugh, I'm out of ideas.

Okay, look. How about we just call it a chapter?

But we didn't do anything! You looked at Twilight once!

And I talked with Bon Bon, and we watched the Canon go through us, and I talked with Rainbow Dash.

But it's so short!

Look, You said You're new to this, right?

Yeah, I guess.

So let's start small and work from here. I'll go home, take a nice bubble bath, and wake up tomorrow for the next chapter.

Okay, that sounds reasonable.

Good. See You tomorrow.

...Wait a minute! Did I just get bossed around by my own character?!

Maaaybe.

I thought you said quoting someone was lazy humor.

Yes, but that was You, and this is me.

Goodnight, you prissy pony.

Goodnight, You awful Author.

Gah, that's so hard to say!

Then why'd you write it?

But you... but I... but... ugh!

I win.