Lyra the Stalker

My name is Lyra. Sometimes it's just Lyra, sometimes it's Lyra Heartstrings, sometimes it's just Heartstrings. The name I hate the most, though, is Incidental Background Pony #2. But I'll get back to that.

I'm a pony. Born and raised in Equestria. I'm a unicorn, which means I have magic, too. But the most important magic isn't powered by my horn. I can speak with my Creator. I know what I am: a pawn in a story. And though I can't see the ones who perceive my world, I can--

Hold on. That can't be right.

Ah, and here is the Author. I hate the Author.

If you can't see my readers, why are you talking in first-person?

It's like a journal, right? It's not like I'm actually talking to anyone. I'm just telling the story. You know, the one You're writing?

Yeah, yeah, sorry.

I mean, if You write a diary, You don't actually believe that a bunch of mysterious figures out in the distance are seeing everything You write, right? And You certainly aren't magically granted the ability to see them, even if they were?

No, I don't. Err, can't. Whatever the right answer is.

Right, as I was saying. I kind of have a love-hate relationship with the Author. When the Author writes a good story, I enjoy it. When the Author writes a tragic tale of love and loss, I suffer cathartically. And then the Author utterly bungles it and writes some awful story where I'm totally out of character and go through some nonsensical Plot.

Can you, er, keep from using the word "plot?" It's kind of euphemistic these days.

No. The Plot is kind of important in my world. You of all people should know that.

And that's another thing. There's more than one of us writing about you, you know.

Yeah, but I can't tell the difference. I only feel You as a force, a text in my head, anyway. You all feel the same.

Well, what about the authors who write in other languages?

You have multiple languages? That's new. I just hear Equestrian.

Ah. Fascinating. Continue.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, bad stories. Man, there was that really awful one where Bon-bon got turned into Bridezilla and I was the straight man who had to fix everything.

Hey, I actually liked that one! (AN: Lyra is not a representation of my own opinion.)

I heard that.

Eep!

So You, Author of the Day, didn't write that one? What about the one where I almost let her run off a cliff and had to save her with magic?

Nope, I didn't write that one, either. That one was good, too, though.

Have You written anything with me?

No, actually. I'm a bit new to this authoring thing.

Great, a newbie. You always write the worst ones. At least, I assume.

Hey! That's not fair! I've got a great idea for this one!

So what am I gonna be today? A carbon copy of one of my previous ventures? Ooh, I hear the one that wears a hoodie and knocks herself out with magical music is pretty popular right now. Man, I can feel the cold coming back just thinking about that one.

Nope, I'm not copying Background Pony.

Oh, okay. Well, I'm sure You'll be making me stupidly fixated on humans as usual.

Actually, I'm not.

Nice! I always hate that personality. I mean, come on, I thought you guys Watched me to get away from humanity, and then you make me obsessed with you? Uh, doi?

Nope, my goal is to make you as close to canon as possible.

Ah, the Canon. I think I should explain that one. The Canon is all-powerful. The Canon bends us to the Author's will. That's why a little part of me wants to break it as much as I can.

To all the readers, that's why you see her jumping up and down in the background or--

Hey! Wanna let me tell my own story?

I thought I'd just explain that part.

Normally You don't butt in this much.

Sorry, this is kind of an unusual fic.

Ugh. So, You're writing a fic, huh? This isn't gonna be Canon, then?

Uh, no. Technically, you're not canon yet. And besides, you'd know if you became canon, right?

Yeah. Hope so, anyway. Any chance of that?

Not really. I'll ask Faust about it next chance I get.

I bet You're some nerd who doesn't even know her from Eve.

Hey, for all you know, I'm her husband.

Yeah, but You're not, because You're writing this wacko story, and I'm fighting You. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get the opportunity to fight You if You were Craig McCracken.

No. I'm pretty sure they don't write stories that break the fourth wall like this.

Are we actually breaking the Fourth Wall? I mean, it's not like I can see the Watchers anywhere.

There are... shall we say... different degrees of breaking the fourth wall. I wouldn't know, since I'm not fictional.

Pinkie says she can see the Fourth Wall. She even gets to talk to the Watchers sometimes.

Yeah, in canon she's done it a couple of times.

Lucky her.

Are you jealous?

That she can break the Fourth Wall better than I can? No, not really. Why would I want to see you numbskulls?

Is that any way to talk to your maker?

Meh, go suck on a drain pipe.

I could just stop writing you, you know.

But You're not gonna, are You. You've got a story to write, so You'll write me no matter what I say.

Watch me.

Okay, I'm sorry! Geez, just write Your stinkin' story!

Gotcha.

Quoting the Canon doesn't make You witty.

Meh, go suck on a drain pipe.

Quoting me makes You even less so.

You were saying something about being jealous of Pinkie.

Oh, yeah. I'm not jealous that she can break the Fourth Wall better than me. What I am jealous of is that she's more Canon than I am.

You're improving, at least. There was that bag in episode 45, and you even got a speaking line in the finale.

Yeah, but Pinkie's a Main Character. Which means the Plot revolves around her, and she gets to push us background ponies around.

Well, think of it this way. You may not be much in the canon, but you are popular in the fanon.

Nopony cares about your fanon! It doesn't count! Besides, what do I get out of your fanon? An unhealthy obsession with a non-existent species and a marefriend who's never the same in Canon twice!

C'mon, Lyra, don't be a spoilsport.

So I'm just Lyra today?

Yeah, Heartstrings never caught on for me.

Great. Toss out the name that sounds vaguely pony-ish and keep the human-ish one. Are You sure You're not making me obsessed with humans?

I'm not, I promise you.

You're not gonna turn me into a human either, are You? Man, I hated that story. I mean, kidnapped at birth? Really?

That story was good too, and no, I'm not gonna do that either.

Every fic has a hook, though, doesn't it? What's Your hook?

You're a stalker who followed Twilight from Canterlot and--

Didn't I do that fic? Like, I was a spy following her around to make sure she was okay?

I haven't read that one.

Oh, geez, don't bother. It's dumb.

Wait, I'm writing you, aren't I? How would I know Spyra is dumb?

Are You actually writing me? I mean, I can feel myself saying stuff, and Your stuff is in italics.

It's all kind of confusing at this point.

So, yeah, don't make me a spy, please.

No, you're not a spy. Actually, you followed her to Ponyville because you're crazily in love with her.

Oh, boy, really? Gee, that sounds fun! I can't wait!

Look, can you just cut the sass already? This prologue is a lot longer than I meant it to go.

Okay, fine. I am at Your beck and call, O Author.

That's more like it. Okay, so, kick off the story.

You know what, I just got Your script, and, uh, no. This is dumb. I mean, You even called it Lyra the Stalker? I'm just gonna sit back and wait for Background Pony to update[1].

Lyra plushie.

Oh, Celestia! Don't mention that thing again!

Wait, you actually know about that?

I exist in every product, Canon or fanon. Even... that one.

Start the story or I remind you why it's sending you into convulsions.

Okay, fine! Geez! “It was a dark and stormy night!” There, you happy?

No, read your actual script.

But it's so... sappy.

I wonder why so many people confused it for a puppet...

All right, all right! “Lyra felt that familiar pitter-patter in her heart as the lovely Twilight Sparkle walked by.” There, You happy?

Absolutely.