Let it be known to all, that when the skies blacken and the sun is eclipsed you will know we have come.
When the Pool of Disaster is released none shall be spared and all will fall to the dominance of the Smoozian Empire!
Though BONER is a small town now it will grow into a nation larger than any could ever imagine! Soon the Sisters who falsely rule will be removed!
Equestria is ours... that is all!

JR - founder of the Smoozian Empire and Mayor of BONER

***

Introduction: The Grand City Of B0NER

Shacks... that is what I remember when I first arrived in the town of B0NER, the squalid earth upon which I stood smelt as if it had been sown with shite... which wasn't far off from fact. The populace were little more than bedraggled slaves with the combined intellect of a dead parrot's left foot.

I was a little disheartened to tell the truth, it became obvious to me that I was going to have to get my hands dirty if this was going to work, our valiant leader was far too busy making hits on supposed enemies of the Smoozian Empire... The Smoozian Alliance... The Anarchist State of B0NER... or whatever the Tartarus you want to bloody call it!

Enemies... little more than annoying personages with even less brains than the combined intellect of our citizens. It wasn't long before I quickly established myself as the Minister of Defense by use of my common sense and of course my Brick.

"Don't build the water pump beside the sewage ditch!" I had said, wielding my brick with a vengeance. "Mud is not an acceptable building material!"

Ah yes... B0NER... it rains quite a lot here, that humid kind of rain that fills the nostrils like a plague and forges images of decay and disease in the mind. The landscape around the town is murky and brown, endless hills and a mountain with a permanent storm above it are what keeps us hidden from discovery just outside Equestria's borders.

And don't forget the smell... never forget the smell... it took ages to get a public bath house installed, it's similar in construction to a sheep dip, we force the citizens in a single file line into the structure and dunk them under water with a long stick a few times until I'm satisfied the smell won't get too bad.

However that doesn't prevent the other smell from making its presence known!

Because of course the one thing about B0NER... and perhaps the only reason the Equestrian Army hasn't been ordered to wipe us out... is that hidden securely (in the shed behind our mayor's mansion) lies sleeping the eternal figure that is The Smooze!

The Smooze... perhaps you do not know of the Smooze? Perhaps you have not heard the tales?

Well Celestia has, in fact she's seen it, while watching the G1 MLP movie with her student. Yes the ponies treat it as a joke but what none know is that The Smooze is more than real, in fact its far more deadly than that movie could ever describe! If you want to know how then you should know that this decrepit hole we live in was once a scenic fertile valley untouched by anything... until the Smooze moved in of course.

He didn't even have to touch anything as his very presence is a curse, cruelty and hate congeal into a sort of atmosphere that sucks up life leaving nothing but the faint hint of death and decay we have all come to know so well. Thankfully I'm immune because I'm a really unhealthy person anyway and have gotten used to toxic atmospheres.

Try living in Trottingham's Industrial District for eleven years without venturing past the ten ton thick wall of smog that surrounds it! To be honest with you I had forgotten what the sun looked like... suffice to say its hurts my eyes now so I regret nothing.

However that is not the point, the point goes further than that, since the day of its founding little has happened... although we do have a single tarmacked road now so... at least I can ride my motorbike.

Author's Note

ALL HAIL SMOOZE, coz if you don't he'll get mad... and if he gets mad he gets angry... and when he's angry he releases these shotgun like flares of gas... then everyone starts throwing up...

Just hail the bloody Smooze Already!