The Mysterious Tale of the Man Who Didn't Do Much

Chapter 13: You're Welcome

This is a nice place, ya' know that? I was really into relaxing without a guy barkin' orders. Twilight didn't seem to be all into studying, and I finally managed to relax. "Ha ha!" Whawuzzat? Oh, just Twilight. "What's up, Twi'?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure that I found out how to get you back! Ready whenever you are."

"Uh, Twilight?"

"Yeah?"

"I... don't really want to leave. This place is so nice. Nicer than Earth. Think about it. In two count 'em two days, I've friends with the princess, met her most prized student, and also, think about it, ponies don't talk where I'm from. So I-"

"What!? That's terrible! What happened to them?"

"Uhh... Nothing. It's been that way. Such is nature."

"Ugh," She scowled, "Nature. It's just not... natural."

"Ahahahahaha! You- Haha- You have no idea how funny that is to me! Hahahaha!"

"Uh, what makes it so funny?"

"Look, I don't know about your language, but in my language, English, the word 'natural' itself is derived from the word, 'nature'! Maybe for you, natural just means, 'normal', and maybe nature is just, 'a non-natural occurrence' but where I am from, nature is... well, quite frankly, normal. So I guess I'm just laughing at the irony in your sentence."

"Hehe, I guess that's pretty funny. But anyway what were you saying about ponies from your world?"

"Well, they aren't sapient, that's for sure. We have what's called the theory of evolution. Basically, it says that, given time, a species will adapt to its environment. Other scientist humans have been thinking that we came from primates. Ya' know, apes and such. Well, technically, we come from micro-bacteria. Funny, really. To think that over millions of years, a little bit of oceanic bacteria could form a being such as me? I'm rambling, aren't I? Oh well, that point I was trying to make was that I believe that our equine animals are simply primitive. They haven't evolved yet. So... long story short, that's why ours don't talk. I'm quite surprised that I'm not marveling at you right now, I don't know how I would cope with the situation normally but... meh. Now, what I find even funnier is that a lot of humans think that we are the only sapient life in the universe, but obviously... no. Just thinking about what I've seen here is enough to make a believer like someone erm... somepony that I just described faint. However, never send one of your own back with me, okay? The government goes crazy when faced with something that they don't know. They might... experiment on you..." Twilight just looked at me, unsure of what to say. "What did I do? Something I said, wasn't it?"

"Uh... Uh pheh..."

"No no, it's cool. I don't like finished sentences anyw-." Twilight giggled at this, hey look, I'm just glad I didn't kill her with my rant. Whatever kind of funk she was in, she snapped herself out of. "Say, Jack, you mentioned 'government'. What's that?"

"Government. G-O-V-E-R-N-M-E-N-T. Basically, a group of people that manage the country. There's more than one so that not just one person rules everything and so that there's no tyranny. I would suggest it here, honestly, but the fact your flippin' princess flirted with me sends a signal that everything is a-okay to go on as-is." Twilight shuddered, "Don't remind me."

"Excuse me? Ahem, I'm right here!" Twilight started laughing at my reaction. She put a hoof up to her mouth to silence herself. Augh! Confound these ponies, they drive me to insanity. "My god! You guys are so cute!" I fell onto my back, and laughed a little myself. Twilight trotted over and laid down next to me. "Twilight?"

"Yes?"

"How do you think everypony would react if I went out into town?"

"Well, there are two possibilities. One: They would all see that I was right by you and they would nervously ask who you were, or..."

"Or?"

"They would go bonkers and run around in circles. Why do you ask?"

"Well, now I just wanna go into town to have the latter happen."

"Hahaha... Yeah, that would be quite the sight." She scooted closer to me. I was... feeling... well, awkward. But with good reason! *sigh* the moment was awkward, kay!? "Uh... Riiiight. Um... Do you have a time that would be best? To go into town...?" I scooted away. She immediately caught on and  picked herself up. "Oh my. I'm so sorry. I didn't-"

"Relax. It's okay. It was just... weird. Since my ponies aren't sapient where I'm from, it's kinda weird to have one... getting comfortable... around you." I flashed my best, 'You know what I mean...' face and got up, looking out the window. It had started to rain, and a very wet Rainbow Dash burst through the door, hitting me, sending me tumbling across the room. "Oh my Celestia! Jack! I'm so sorry!" Dash said while still sprawled on my chest.

"But you're still on me! My ribs can only withstand so much pressure, ya' know, before I start to not breathe."

"Sorry!" She yelped, and rolled off. She was on her back and her wings were laid flat out on the ground, but when she got up, they were still extended. Twilight was a deep red as she looked away, yet spoke to Rainbow, "Uh, Dash?"

"Yeah, Twi'?"

"Goin' somewhere?"

"Ack!" She promptly folded her wings with haste, but a little trouble. As if they were stiff. "Uh... What was that?" I asked, unsure of how to react to the situation at hand. "N-Nothing!" Rainbow responded quickly. A little too quickly. Hold on one cock-blockin' second. Crashing into me. Laying on me. Extended wings. "Hahahaha! That is too good!" Rainbow was an extremely deep red when I continued, "Haha, what is that even called!? Like uh,- a wingboner? Ahaha!" I fell onto the ground laughing, Rainbow looked away with near-misty eyes. I gathered myself quickly and walked over to her with comforting words. "It's okay, I won't judge." She looked relieved as I saw the little water in her eyes disappear. "I wasn't laughing at you... But it's good to know you find me handsome." A wry smile was evident on my face. I am too sadistic. She stared at me with narrowed pupils and I reacted the only way I could. I laughed my face off. Again. All was in good fun until I noticed that she wasn't moving. "Oh good God. Whaaaaat did I do?" I tapped her on the head, nothing. Talked, "Hello?" Nothing. Yelled in her ear, "Helllooooo!" Nothing. C'mon, Think! Twilight walked over, red with laughter, and whispered in my ear something extremely wacky. I tried to push Rainbow over, and like a block of marble she stood solid. Frozen in her tracks. Hah! This place is awesome!

Then came another idea... "Heheh... I might be able to get my revengence after all." Rainbow snapped back to reality. I guess she feared that a whole lot worse than extreme embarrassment. She scuttled across the room, and into a corner. "Not again! Please!"

"Haha, it's fine. I was kidding. I just wanted to see if that worked. Guess it did." Then I noticed, in her eyes, what could only be a look of determination. It seemed to suit her persona in general so I waited for a sly remark... and holy hot diggity damn did I get one. Now, when I say hot, I'm saying it for the alliteration... So yeah... She trots over and as she passes she says...

"So with that in mind... thanks for scratchin' my wings the other night."

ATTENTION: EXCESSIVE SWEARING ALERT

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Are you fucking kidding me? Holy shit! What in the- how in the FUCK? Augh! Oh my God! Son of a bitch! No- wait- DAUGHTER OF A BITCH! FFFFFFF-....

ATTENTION: EXCESSIVE SWEARING OVER

Time to beat her at her own game...

"You're welcome."

...

...

...

...

I ran for my fucking life out into the rain.