Fjord the warrior Goes to Equestria (AKA: Hell)

I woke up in the morning as per usual. I walked over to the massive pile of candy I looted last night. I knew twilight would try and take it so I hid it in the one place she could never find it... under my drawers! I picked out some pony knockoffs of my favorite treats and dug in. Twilight came down.
"Fjord? Why is Rainbow Dash babbling about Slenderman being at her house last night?" Twilight asked accusingly.
"I don't know, why do you think it was me?" I retorted.
"Well I just have a feeling." Twilight countered.
"Well you're wrong on account of I can't fly, levitate, or hover." I said. At that moment, RD came down.
"Fjord! You gotta help me! Slenderman was at my house last night! He almost got me!" Babbled RD.
"Nothing can be done to save you. You're only hope is if Chuck Norris were to suddenly show up and roundhouse kick Slenderman." I lied.
"Where's this Chuck guy? I'll bet he'll help me!" RD said.
"You're suicidal If you think that will work. He'll probably roundhouse kick you with so much heat and pressure, that you will become solid Chuck Norris." I said.
"Wait, what?" Twilight asked.
"Just an internet joke." I replied.
"WHAT!?!" RD yelled
"Could you tone it down? I actually like my hearing." I said as I cleared out my ears.
"WHY DON'T YOU ACTUALLY HELP ME, YOU BUTT!!!" Screamed RD.
"Because I like living another day, bitch." I countered.
"What ever. You're just a chicken." RD said.
"You can't kill slenderman." I Stated. "Countless have always thought they would be the first to survive the thing... None have."
"So that means..." Twilight began, tears welling up in her eyes.
"Nah, you still got her for eight to ten years. Up to fifty if you're lucky." I replied.
"Ha! I'm safe!" RD said.
"Not really. Slendy likes to toy with his victims dreams." I said.
"What?" RD asked.
"You heard me." I replied.
"While we're on the subject of slenderman, Do you mind listing out his abilities, Fjord?" Twilight asked.
"He teleports, but not while in a direct line of sight. Blinking counts as breaking the line of sight. He can sprout long tendrils of darkness from his back. Despite having no eyes, ears, or nose, he can still see and hear you, and smell your fear. He can adjust his height. He can make you nauseous by being looked at. Any one who has seen him tends to become panphobic, feel as if they are being watched, and/or become paranoid." I said.
"Thank you, Fjord. With this list I can develop Counter measures against slenderman." Twilight said.
"They won't work." I said.
"Why not?" Twilight asked
"Mages have tried those same counters. Guess What Happened to them." I said. Twilight gulped then said:
"They failed?"
"Bingo." I said.
"So I can't have some kind of Slenderguy-" Rainbow began.
"Man" I interrupted.
"Repellent?" RD finished.
"Well you could wipe your memory of all things related to him. But you can't restore the memory the same way as you wiped it." I said.
"Than I'll work on that." Twilight said as she left the basement.
("Oh, shit.") "Good." I said.
"Well see ya Fjord." RD said as she too left. Soon enough I was the only one in the room.
"Well fuck." I said. "Might as well read." I said as I brought out my book. I picked up where I had left off, on a page about mark-and-recall spells. I found that marking saturates the area bellow me with my aura, but only one location can be marked at a time. Good to know. Turning the page I found detect life. "animus visialus." I saw a pink fog in the shape of every living thing in the building within a thirty foot radius. nothing outside though. "Well paint me black and call me a wraith." I said as I saw Spike belched up a letter. Twilight's life force extend over the letter. Twilight 's life force extention brought the letter over to her and unrolled it. The life forces faded as I dropped the spell. Putting my book in my pocket I put my armor on and headed upstairs.

"Soup noobs. What's with the letter?" I asked. Twilight was suprised by my knowledge of what had transpired without me.
"How did you know about the letter?" Twilight asked.
"Detect life spell. I saw Spike belch it up. and your magic take it." I said.
"How can you see magic with a spell that detects life?" Twi asked.
"Telekinesis extends your life force over the object in question." I answered
"Fascinating!" Said Twilight.
"Not really." I replied.
"I'm not even going to ask why. You'll probably give me a stupid answer." Twilight said.
"Ding ding ding, we have a winner." I said sarcastically.
"Well the letter just says the changelings might attack again." Twilight informed me.
"The noobs think they can win round two?" I replied.
"What is a noob? you've used that word twice now." Twilight said.
"A noob is an idiot who can't do anything right. Just for the record, noob isn't a real word, so it's meaning changes with context." I said.
"So you weren't insulting me and Spike when you called us noobs?" Twi asked.
"Nope." I said.
"Okay." Said twi.
"I'm gonna go do my own thing, later noobs."
"Later." Spike said. I engaged my AC and left to terrorize small villages as per usual. I returned later at sundown to hit the hay after terrorizing small villages.

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Meanwhile in the changeling hive, a drone reported back to Queen Chrysalis. "So, now he believes us to be fools and defects? We will show him. Find out where he keeps his book and take it. If we are to succeed, We will need it." Chrysalis said. "Yes, Ma'am." The drone replied and then left to carry out his orders. Unbeknownst to Fjord, their words would not go without action. All they needed was his book. If all went well, they would have Equestria In their grasp. Unfortunately, They didn't count on Fjord's heritage of alcoholism and guerrilla warfare. "Soon." Chrysalis said to herself.