Like A Surgeon

Chapter 1

Nigel Burke woke up covered in blood. This was not unusual for him, as he often slept in his surgical clothes. The fact he was waking up in an alley was also something he was used to. So was the fact he couldn’t remember how he got here.

What was unusual was the grungy grey horse who was gaping at him from the mouth of the alley. The one currently shouting, “Somepony call the guard! There’s an alien psycho killer on the loose!”

Prison, too, was familiar to Nigel.

Horse prison, not so much.

He’d already had a quick look around the place, stooped over so he didn’t bang his head on the surprisingly-low ceiling, and had found a distinct lack of loose bricks, giant posters, or loose bars. Which meant he wasn’t getting out. Unless…

Aha! The fools! Foolish farm animals! They’d left him his floss! He’d saw his way out, and escape through the window! He pulled out a length of surgical floss, and looped it around the bar, before beginning to saw.

Half an hour later, he’d felt he’d made good progress. He pulled his sixth length of floss away from the bar, and felt the spot he’d been sawing with his finger. About an eighth of an inch deep. By this time tomorrow, he’d be through it completely! And then to start on the other end, so he could remove it. And so on, until he’d cut his way through all the bars. He could taste freedom already!

“What in the name of me are you doing?” He turned to find another horse staring at him through the bars of the door. This one was larger, and had a horn and wings. Finally, a worthy steed for him to escape on!

“Cutting my way out, noble steed.”

“I… beg your pardon?”

“Unless you’ve come to rescue me, in which case, high-ho whitey, away!” The horse was staring at him again. A second one had joined it, a smaller purple one, also with wings and horn. It opened its mouth, as if to say something, but closed it again immediately afterward. The large, white one shook its head again, causing its wavy multi-coloured hair to drift oddly.

“I shall let that particular statement pass without comment, if you don’t mind answering a few questions.”

“Oh! Is this the good cop, bad cop routine? You’re the good cop, and the purple one’s the bad cop, right?”

“…Will you answer my questions if I tell you yes?”

“Shoot, Whitey.” The purple one was gaping again. “You… You can’t just talk like that to Princess Celestia! Who do you think you are?!”

“Nigel Burke, M.D. Pleased to meetcha, purply.”

“Wha- I’m not- My name is Twilight-“ The white one placed a hoof on the purple one, as if to calm her, and said, “Peace, my faithful student. He seems confused.”

“Damn right I’m confused. Normally my drug-fueled nightmares aren’t this coherent!” Another horse, this one blue with a star-filled mane, poked her head around the corner. “Didst somepony mention nightmares? ‘Tis our specialty!” The white one pushed her back around the corner. “Luna, go back to your tower. Keep reading those stories on the Internet I keep telling you about.”

“That reminds me, where are my drugs? I haven’t taken any since… Last night? I think? It’s a bit of a haze. It’s alright, I have a prescription! Somewhere!” He began patting the pockets of his surgical gown, and tried to reach one in the back left pocket with his right hand. It didn’t quite reach though, so he turned around, only to find that the fiendish pocket had turned with him. He continued spinning around, trying to catch his pocket, until the white horse coughed loudly.

“Whitey? Are you alright? Do you need me to take a look at that cough for you?”

“Er, no. I would rather like to resume the questions, however.”

“Sure thing! Why are you horses?” This seemed to confuse the purple horse. “Why are we… What?”

“Horses. You know, you guys. Hooves, tails, big drippy noses…” The white one realized she had lost control of the conversation, and coughed again.

“You sure you don’t want to take a look at that, Whitey?”

“Quite sure. And my name is Princess Celestia, if you don’t mind…”

“Kinda do. I’ll stick with Whitey.” She sighed. “Fine. Now, I meant by ‘resume the questions’, that we would ask you questions.”

“Oh! Okay.”

“Finally… First off, what species are you, and from what nation do you hail from? Moreover, how did you get here?” The purple one had gotten a quill and parchment from her saddlebags, ands seemed to be levitating them. Neat.

“Human, England, dunno. How are you doing that?” The purple one glanced at the floating piece of parchment, before scribbling something. “Uh… Magic. Why?”

“Just thinking of all the ways I could totally abuse magic powers if I had them. Anyway, next question.”

“Why are you covered in blood?”

“I told you, I’m a doctor. Not The Doctor, mind you, just a doctor. Specifically, a surgeon.” Without any warning, a pink horse poked her head over his shoulder, and grinned at the purple one. “Hey Twi! This one isn’t military! He might actually be useful!”

“Pinkie! Get out of his cell, he might be dangerous!”

“Oh, he’s not dangerous right now. Isn’t that right, mister Burke?”

“Pinkie!” With a huff, the pink horse leapt off his shoulder without actually touching him, grabbed onto one of the bars of his cell, and spun around it like a stripper before touching the floor. Nigel had never before had the urge to see a horse in a strip club, but he suddenly decided that yes, he did now.

She giggled, and said his name again. “Burke. Hehe! Burke, lurk, murk, jerk. You aren’t a jerk, are you Nigel? Nah, you don’t seem like a jerk. But you do have a funny name!” He could tell he liked the pink one already. He grinned at her, and held his hand out to shake.

“Yep! Pleased ta meetcha, Pinkie! You’re my favorite horse here already!” Pinkie giggled, and shook his hand with her hoof. “I’m not a horse, silly! I’m a pony!”

“Well, then you’re my favorite pony here so far! Though that’s not hard to do, considering the ones I’ve met.” Pinkie leaned in close and whispered loudly, “They never take the whole ‘human in Equestria’ thing well.”

“This has happened before?”

“Not in this one, it hasn’t! Oh! That means I need to throw you a ‘first human in this Equestria’ party too! Maybe I can combine it with my ‘Welcome to Equestria’ party!”

“Will there be yogurt?”

“Silly Nigel! Yogurt’s for kids!”

“But I like yogurt. I always have some while I’m doing surgery.”

“Then there shall be yogurt at the party!” the both let out a girlish “Yay!” at that. Both Whitey and the purple pony were just staring at them now. Whitey coughed yet again.

“You really have to let me take a look at that, Whitey.”

“Please, Doctor. ‘Princess’ is fine.”

“Whatever you say, Princess Whitey!” She put a hoof to her forehead, just under her horn, and exhaled slowly. “Twilight, my faithful student, can you take over from here? I feel my presence is no longer required.” Under her breath, she muttered, “And I need a freaking drink…”

“Of course, Princess! I’ll have the report on your desk in an hour!”

“Good… good…” She muttered, walking off in the direction of the exit. The purple pony, Twilight-

“Snrk…” That caught the purple ponies’ attention. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, nothing. What was your name again? ‘Purply’ sounds kinda stupid.”

“Twilight, Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

“Heehee…”

“What now?”

“Nothing. Out of curiosity, you aren’t a vampire, are you?”

“What? No, why?”

“No reason.” Both Nigel and Pinkie started giggling. Twilight sighed. All of a sudden, she understood why Celestia had needed a drink so badly.

Author's Note

Incidentally, one universe to the immediate right...