Like a Surgeon

Chapter 2

“…So finally, there’s Alicorns like me and Celestia-“

“Whitey.”

“Stop that. We have both horns and wings, to signify unity between the other three pony races, as we have the magical abilities of the Unicorns, the flight skills of the Pegasi, and… Uh…”

“Nothing for the Earth Ponies?”

“Uh… No! I mean yes, there’s a few theories that the Earth Pony magic manifests by making us taller, I know I haven’t gotten any better at growing stuff since I became one, I’ve actually gotten worse, but I have grown a few inches-“

“Oh good, you can send out spam mail now.”

“…I have no idea what you’re talking about. As usual.” A particularly loud snore from Pinkie caught her attention. Twilight leaned forward slightly, still keeping her distance from the bars, and looked at her. She was curled up on Nigel’s lap, not unlike a large dog would, and had been ever since Twilight had started trying to explain absolutely everything about Equestria to Nigel. The snoring had started about an hour in.

“Is she doing that to mock me?”

“Eh, I’d do the same. This whole thing seems like a bad waste of a good trip, if you ask me. I think I’m starting to come down off it now.”

“You still think this is some drug-addled hallucination, even after I explained all that?”

“What do you expect me to believe all this guff about Unicorns, Pegasi, Alicorns, and boring horses?”

“Yeah, that’s not specist at all.” Nigel gently sat Pinkie on the floor, where she started moving around as though she’d lost her teddy bear. “Sorry Pinks, I’ll just be a moment.” He then turned to Twilight, and put his hand to his head, imitating a horn with his finger.

“Ooh! Lookit me, I’m a Unicorn! I can lift all the things! I can teleport! I’m totally the best of all the horses!”

“Seriously?”

“Whee! Now I’m a Pegasus! I can fly, even though my wings are nowhere near large enough to do it! I don’t need to pay for cab fare! I can shoot lightning outta me butt!”

“Okay, that’s both offensive and… Well okay, it’s mostly really offensive.”

“I’m a horse!”

A moment of silence passed. On the other side of the planet, a monastery of Llamas who had come together specifically for that sort of thing mourned it’s passing. They did so with another moment of silence, repeating the cycle for the rest of the day until they all got bored and went home, quickly forgetting about the whole thing.

“…Is that it?”

“Pinkie makes it seem much more balanced.”

“So, if you’re done, I’d like to move onto magic, which I briefly touched on during the Unicorns lesson.”

“Wait wait, I didn’t do Alicorns yet!”

“Please don’t.”

“I’m an overpowered freak! I can somehow be born like one, or I can become one! Blah blah blah!”

“…How did you know that? I never told you that!”

“Meh. Kinda guessed it. That’s what six hours of long, boring explanation does to me. Can we stop?”

“Fine, I suppose we can take a small break…” In an instant, Pinkie was awake again, grinning at Twilight. “TwiTwiTwi! Can we get to the surgery yet? How long did I sleep? I didn’t sleep all the way through chapter three, did I? That’d be really inconvenient, because I’m a vital character in chapter two, and a really important character in chapter four! Not to mention the bonus chapter, which I’m really looking forward to! Plus, none of the readers would be nearly as interested if I wasn’t here!”

“…Chapter four?”

“Yeppers, where I eat a bunch of chocolate and- whoop! Spoilers!” She looked at the fourth wall, setting off a paradox in which she couldn’t look at the fourth wall because it had been broken, and making her blink.

“Hey, stop that! This is getting too meta, it’s never gonna make it past moderation and everybody’s gonna be sick of it by this point in the chapter already! Get to the real humour!”

Twilight, and finally, Nigel, both looked at Pinkie Pie like she had grown fingers. “Even that one’s kinda pushing it buddy!” …Before the author shut up and they both just wrote it off as Pinkie being Pinkie again. The mare in question turned back to them, and winked at Twilight.

“Come on, sciency-pants! Don’t you wanna see him get to work? I’ll bet he’s hilarious to watch!”

“I’m not sure whether or not to be offended.”

“And you had such a good grasp of that before.”

“Aw, Nigel, don’t worry! We’re laughing with you! That’s a Pinkie Promise!” Twilight seemed slightly aghast. “You can’t be serious, Pinkie. This alien shows up in Canterlot, full of drugs and covered in blood, and you want him to do surgery? How do we even know he’s qualified?”

Nigel jumped at this, and dropped to his knees. “Please please please don’t make me go through medical school again. That was the most boring six years of my life.”

“…Equestrian medical education is four years long.”

“So’s human medical education. I get bored quick.” Twilight shot a glare at Pinkie, who was flipping through a black and white notebook full of terrible handwriting. “Pinkie, I wouldn’t trust this creature with a basket of eggs. If he was any worse, we’d have to blast him with the Elements.”

Pinkie didn’t seem to be paying any attention. “Lesse… There’s not much here, he didn’t plan this story out at all on paper, he’s writing this all by the seat of his pants… I’ll be right back, Twi!” And with that, she popped out of existence. Nigel stared at the spot, while Twilight sighed and put her head in her hooves.

“…Is… She is coming back, right?”

“Oh yeah. Does this all the time. She says it’s so she can keep ahead of the story, and make it funnier. I gave up on understanding it a while back.”

“So, we just wait?”

“Yeah, usually takes a couple minutes. While we’re waiting, why don’t you try and explain your qualification?”

“I thought you didn’t want me getting anywhere near an operating theatre?”

“If Pinkie’s on your side, I’ve already lost. How many surgeries have you completed?”

“Successfully?”

“I find it disturbing that you’re asking that question. Yes, successfully.”

“No idea. Done it a lot though.”

“Right, let’s go with medical knowledge. Describe an appendectomy. In as much detail as possible.”

“Well, first you cut through the skin down under the muscle-“

“Stop. What about sedation, or sterilization?”

“Meh. My nurses handle all that stuff for me. I start by cutting in.”

“Fine. That sort of makes sense. Continue.”

“Well, by then they’re bleeding a bit. So I inject them with the green needle.”

“The green needle? What’s the chemical used?”

“Dunno. Anyway, then I start pulling out the intestines, and find the Appendix. Tie that off, cut it off, and shove all the intestines back in. Done.”

“What.” She was squinting at him again. “But won’t the wound get infected without it getting sewn up properly? And what about sewing the skin and muscle tissue back into place?”

“Again, my nurses handle all that stuff. Though they don’t like having to pull the intestines back out.” She looked at him again, before looking away, as though to think for a moment. Nigel amused himself by checking the time on his watch. Then he remembered he didn’t have a watch anymore, because he’d left it in his last patient. Well, at least that woman wouldn’t need a pacemaker. Twilight finally looked back to him, and gritted her teeth.

“Alright, that’s more-or-less accurate. Horribly unprofessional, but certainly acceptable in practice. And in three, two, one…” With a pop, Pinkie Pie existed again, and immediately started talking.

“Okay, I know where Duncan- I mean, Felidae0, is going with this again! And in other news, he needs a bath.”

Hey!

“And to stop being so meta. I’m hardly a shining example, but seriously, this is overkill in this chapter. He’s gotta keep it much more spread out, or it’ll get old quick. But he did make a really funny typo earlier, by accidentally setting the AutoCorrect to change ‘getting’ into ‘gattling’! His AutoCorrect is weird like that. It also wants ‘AutoCorrect’ to be capitalized each time.”

“Uh huh. Pinkie, I’ve asked Nigel what his qualifications are while you were gone-“

“Yeah, I helped write that part! Feli was worried you were being too scientific, but I told him how you’re always as scientific as possible in everything you do, and then he asked ‘Isn’t that a symptom of Asperger’s syndrome?’ because he was reading TV Tropes yesterday, and I told him ‘omygosh! You’re right! And-“

“Pinkie, does this story have any important bits?”

“Sure does, Nigel! You’re a hilariously terrible doctor, but we all love you for it because it’s happening to other ponies, and Twilight, you totally have Asperger’s, but that’ll never be confirmed because they can’t do that in a kids show, and diversity is confusing for six-year-old girls! And also unmarketable, which is really their problem.”

Twilight just looked at her. “I’m unmarketable if I have-? wait, no. I’m not having this conversation right now.” Pinkie was suddenly on the other side of the bars, hugging Twilight. “Well, yeah. No little girl wants to buy a disabled pony like you or Scootaloo, but the Brony community will, but they don’t count according to Hasbro. But we still love you, Twily!”

Back in the cell, Nigel muttered, “Wow, this got dark fast.” In a blink, Pinkie was back in the cell, her forehoof around Nigel’s shoulder like they were posing for a picture. “See? He’s picking up on it! Also, he managed to sneak a couple pills he found in the lining of his coat while you weren’t looking.”

“Ooooh, pretty pink pony…”

:”Grand. Well, should we wait for him to come off it while we try and figure out who can test his medical knowledge properly?”

“Aw, but he’s even funnier this way, like when Frumpy the Clown was high on Novacaine! And I bet Princess Celestia will do it. Be back after a jump cut, Nigel!”

“If she’s not drunk.” Twilight stated, leading Pinkie out of the otherwise-empty prison.

“Well, yeah. But she won’t be, because she needs to be in-character for at least one of Feli’s stories.”

“Pinkie Pie, you are so random.”

“That’s Dashie’s line!”

In no time at all, they were back at Nigel’s cell, and Twilight was feeling sick.

“Ugh. I feel sick.”

“Jump cuts do that to Ashens, too! Or maybe it was because Celestia tried to evaporate all the booze before we came in, and you started breathing the fumes.”

“Yeah, I bet that was it. Nigel, we’re back, and you’re gonna take a test! Have the drugs worn off yet?”

“The minor ones, yeah. I’m still on a trip that’s causing me to see cute multicoloured horses.”

“Good. If you’ll wait a second, I’ll unlock the door-“

“Ooh! Twi, Twi!”

“What?”

“Can I pick the lock with my tongue?”

“What.”

“I said, can I-“

“No, I got that part. But why in Celestia’s name would you want to?”

“To see if I can. Also to drum up interest in the bonus chapter.”

“…You know what, I don’t wanna know. Have at it.” With a “Yay!” and a tiny explosion of confetti, Pinkie leapt in front of the door before winking at Nigel, and licking the lock. “Hm. Iron, Skyreland design.”

Twilight gave her a questioning look. “Skyreland?”

“I dunno, it sounded good, and I ran with it.” Her tongue began to move like a snake, and Twilight backed up to give her space. Within seconds, Pinkie Pie was frenching the cell door.

“…Okay, that’s pretty hot.”

“I certainly didn’t expect to hear that.”

“Well, yeah, but admit it, you’re turned on.”

“Why wouldn’t I, Purply?” Twilight turned back to him, shooting him a glare, before she looked back at her friend with far too much interest. Pinkie winked, very pointedly at Nigel and not Twilight, before the lock clicked open.

“And lo, no stallion in Equestria was safe.” Twilight remarked, passing Nigel a box filled with whatever the Guards had taken off him. He gravitated first towards the pills, which he popped open and swallowed about a fifth of. Pinkie hopped onto his shoulder like a parrot, and began poking through as well.

“Lessee… Scalpels, needles, rubber duck, box of floppy disks, one labeled ‘TEA’.”

“Never found out what was on that one.”

“Ooh! Rubber gloves!” Pinkie poked her head back out of the box, her rubber-clad hooves following quickly afterward. “Hehe, this reminds me of that clone that did that creepy thing with her hoof. Which still wasn’t as creepy as when that other clone turned into a first-gen pony!” She ducked back into the box as Nigel turned to Twilight.

“So, we’re off to see the wizard?”

“If by ‘wizard’ you mean my mentor, friend, and ruler, Princess Celestia, yes.”

“Oh, Whitey!”

“…Yes.”

“Oooh, a Medic figurine!” Pinkie’s voice was only slightly muffled by the box.

“I’m guessing you want me to be on my best behavior?”

“If you’ve been on your best behavior so far, than I have little hope you’ll be able to practice medicine in Equestria anytime soon.” Pinkie popped out of the box again, and hugged Nigel’s face. “You hear that, Nigel? You gotta play nice for a little bit if you wanna practice your malpractice!”

“Mmmphmphmm.”

“Yay! Thanks, Nigel! We’ll be cutting hearts out with spoons before you know it!”

“Mm-hm!” They were approaching the door to Celestia’s bedchambers now, and by proxy the guards standing outside, so Pinkie dropped off Nigel’s face and began bouncing alongside him. The guards eyed Nigel up and down, lingering on the blood staining his medical gown, before admitting him into her chambers with a frown. He was stopped by a pink hoof just before did so, however.

“Nigel?” Pinkie had a look on her face that he’d never seen before. Up until now, she’d been bouncy, never lingering anything for more than twenty seconds at most. But Pinkie was sedate, almost weirdly serious. He nodded, listening. “Please, Nigel. I know you can do this. And I of all ponies should know when somepony, or someone, needs to be serious.”

Nigel bent down, hugging her, which she eagerly returned. “Don’t worry, Pinkie. Do you think anybody would let me get away with the crap I do If I wasn’t good at it?” This got a giggle out of his shoulder, where Pinkie had buried her snout. “And you’re right. Sometimes you gotta be serious for a little bit, so it’s funnier when you aren’t.”

“Dang it, he’s being meta again.” Pinkie smirked at the fourth wall, before tapping Nigel’s shoulder. “Alright, get in there and prove how good at surgerising you are!” He nodded, and the guards opened the doors again. He gave Pinkie and Twilight one last wave before they shut behind him.

“He’s so screwed, isn’t he?”

“Well, if he was, then we’d have to go through about four years worth of chapters detailing his journey through Equestrian medical school. Which wouldn’t be nearly as funny as if we just dumped him into surgery with no idea how Pony anatomy works!”

“…We’re so screwed, aren’t we?”

Twilight felt back the nausea. “Ugh. We’ve been sitting outside the doors too long. I bet she vented all the fumes out here by accident.”

“Also, there was another jump cut.”

“Sure, whatever you say.” Without any warning, besides this being the other end of the jump cut, the door opened, and Nigel walked back out, grinning. “I’m still a doctor!”

Pinkie was on him in a moment, hugging him and talking at supersonic speeds. “Yay! IknewyoucoulddoitbutIstillwasworriedbecauseitwouldkillallthetensionifIwasn’tandbecauseDuncanImeanFelidaewouldtotallyswitchitupjusttoscrewwithusandyouwereintherelongenoughtowarrantajumpcutbutreallyitwasonlyliketenminutesandwecandosurgerynow! Yay!”

Twilight eyed him, but waited until Pinkie was finished before speaking. “You passed? How in Equestria did you manage that?”

“Well, back in medical school, we all had to dissect pigs. I forget the context, or whether we all dissected one or just got to watch, but I remember it was because pig anatomy is really close to human anatomy, just placed differently. So I thought back to that, and used that to answer all the questions.”

“…You passed because you compared Equine anatomy to Porcine anatomy?”

“Yeppers!”

“That’s both terrifying and insulting.”

“You have no idea.” And with that statement, Princess Celestia followed Nigel out of her bedchambers. “Anyway, I need to go find more booze. I have a headache. Probably because of the booze.” Nigel shot her a grin. “What’s wrong, noble steed? Didn’t expect me to be so professional?”

“No, I didn’t expect you to be so lucid after inhaling vodka fumes for five minutes.”

“Meh. Vodka’s nothing compared to what I drug myself with most days.”

“Also terrifying.” Added Twilight. She turned to Celestia, and teleported directly in front of her with a ‘ker-pop’. “Celestia, surely you can’t be serious! You still want to let him perform medicine with all that’s happened today?”

Celestia eyed her, decided it wasn’t worth the trouble of rationally discussing this with her when she was between her and some of Luna’s moonshine, and stated simply, “Oh, you’re that concerned about him? Alright, you and Pinkie can babysit him. I know you’re qualified to be his nurse, and Pinkie’s Pinkie.”

Pinkie nodded. “Yep! If I ever need to learn how to be a nurse, or anything really, I can just enter the Matrix and have it downloaded!”

“…Case in point.” Celestia shook her head. She still didn’t have any booze. This was a problem. “Anyway, see if you can get work at Ponyville general. Just tell them I sent you, and you’ll be doing surgery before you can say, “And also, this alien is going to be the Surgeon.”

Author's Note

So, it's 2:30 at night, I'm not supposed to be using this computer, and my forehead is bleeding. Obviously this is the best time for this.
Yeah, I've had a weird couple of days. Mainly because pinkie helped me write this chapter. Now, you might be asking "What do you mean, Pinkie helped you write this chapter?" Well, there's really only three options. First, is that Pinkie popped out of my closet, and physically helped me write this chapter. Second, that I'm psychic and channeling Pinkie Pie from another universe. Or third, I'm crazy and have multiple personality disorder. You guys can figure it out later.
But! Next chapter is where we get into the meat of the story, where as anyone who has played the game or watched literally any let's play of it ever knows, is the Heart Surgery. Seeya then!