The Life Of D-Pad: Unlikely Heroes(Cancelled)

“So in short...” Nikolas says to Twilight Sparkle. “You and your friends were going to do a rough take on your performance for a summer festival. While you were performing a weather spell, things went awry and you ended up creating some sort of portal that must have warped us here.”

“That is what I am presuming.” She replies to Nikolas.

We have been sitting inside this library for some time, listening to Twilight talk about this world. Turns out we are no longer on Earth. We are now in the magical world of Equestria. Yeah…If the ponies are capable of human speech, I’d say it’s magical. Now, the world here is populated by three main groups. The first are earth ponies, which do not possess any magical ability. This group trends to being the group that does most of the farming. This is not always the case as many do find other ways to help out. Next are pegasi, the flying ponies. Somehow, they are able to manipulate the weather, and are tasked with controlling the weather in Equestria. So, this leads me to conclude that pegasi and earth ponies need each other to survive. Last of the main group are the unicorns, the magical horned ponies. They are capable of performing magic using their horns. What magic they do varies on how much they learn. This is some fascinating stuff.

There are exceptions to these three. The biggest exception is the alicorns, or flying unicorns. Twilight is one of these exceptions. Not only do they have the ability to fly, but they also boast more magical power then the unicorns. Some can even live for long periods of time. The most fascinating of these alicorns is the two rulers of this land. The rulers are sisters, as Twilight tells me.  The eldest of the two has one of the biggest responsibilities anyone in this world has…making the sun rise. The younger raises the moon. My God…if these things can alter the cosmos…Eugh, I shudder to think any further.

Getting to the library was quite amazing. Before we entered the town, the two pegasi made a thick fog in their town. Under the cover of fog, we snuck around the town, avoiding the few other citizens. As we made it to the library, I noticed the library was a tree. It was then that Twilight said that the library was in the tree.

…and here I now sit, listening to Nikolas and Twilight talk about the world of Equestria. Drinkin mai hot chocolate…mmmm…OH YEAH! MARSHMALLOW!

“But here I am talking my head off…What can you tell me about yourself, Mr. Alvang?” She asks Nikolas politely.

“Nothing really big… I am 22 years old as of today. I was born in St. Petersburg in Russia. I had a pretty decent childhood. I am glad my parents took the time to mold me into a good-hearted citizen. My father moved to the United States when I was 16. At 18, I moved to America with my brothers and sister to be with my father, who was suffering from polio. At 19, I became acquainted with some marksmen and started my career as a competitive shooter. I met this big lug at one of the competitions.” He says.

They both look at me. I wave my hand over my head.

“What about you, Mr. Welling?” She asks.

“Me? These nothing much to tell, really.” I tell her. “I’m 21 years old. I was born and raised in the small town of Fulda, Minnesota. At 18, I graduated from the town’s high school and am now enrolled in the college in the nearby city of Worthington. As for work, I’m a tutor at the college. At 20, I started investigating supernatural occurrences, and began writing books on many supernatural creatures. As of today, I am an unofficial supernatural investigator. I’m also quite mad in the head. I choose abnormality as a way of living. Perhaps it’s because I have been hanging around supernatural entities for too long. Maybe it’s because I have ADHD. MAYHAPS IT’S BECAUSE I HAS LEECHES IN MAH BRAIN! AAAAAAAAUGH!!” and then I fall out of my seat.

Nikolas facepalms himself.

“Is he always like that?” Twilight asks.

“More than you can ever imagine…” Nikolas mumbles.

And now I am hungry. “Hey, where can I get something to eat?” I ask, standing up.

“Depends…what exactly does your kind eat?” She asks.

“Well, I am Omnivorous, so plants or meat.” I reply, to which Twilight looks at me in shock.

“You eat other animals?!” She gasps.

“Yeah. I like beef in particular. Delicious, especially with some garlic and lemon juice. MMMMmmmmMMMm, them’s good eating.” I comment.

Twilight looks at me with concern. “We don’t have any meat…We have spinach…” She suggests, slightly bothered.

SPINACH…FUCK YEAH!!

“I LOVE SPINACH! Great on sandwiches, and plain. I would love spinach!” I say, happily.

She seems to be at ease now. “Wonderful, I’ll be right back.” She says walking up the stairs.

“I don’t care! I don’t trust them, and neither should you!” Rainbow Dash exclaims.

“Well, it’s our fault that the got hostile with us.” I shoot back.

“Indeed, and besides, they seem friendly enough. If they were kind enough to help me, how bad can they be?” Octavia chimes in.

“I’m siding with D-Pad on this one.” Vinyl states. “They didn’t do anything to us, we attacked first.”

Rainbow Dash groans with exasperation. She stomps over to the window. Twilight walks into the room.

“Is everything okay?” Twilight asks, walking over to Rainbow Dash.

“Yeah, Rainbow Dash is still having some trust issues with the humans.” I say.

“And you’d be smart not to trust them either, Twilight.” Rainbow Dash says, placing a hoof on Twilight’s chest.

“Don’t worry Rainbow Dash. They are being peaceful. My only concern is that they are meat eaters, but they seem to eat plants as well. Other than that, they seem to be fine. They’re very patient, even when I gave them our history of our world.” She says.

“Even the big guy?” Rainbow Dash asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Well…he tried. He has some trouble paying attention. And he’s very random. Like, more than Pinkie Pie.” Twilight replies.

Rainbow Dash looks at Twilight in surprise. I’m quite surprised as well. I met Pinkie Pie on multiple occasions, and she has been unpredictable every time. I’ve seen her sneeze confetti, and even she didn’t know where it came from.

“How random?” Rainbow Dash asks Twilight.

“Let’s just say this is the first time I heard somepony shout “I am the poop train conductor, now where is my ramrod” in a sentence.” She replies.

I stifle a chuckle. That shouldn’t be funny, but when you here a princess say it, you tend to giggle a bit.

She walks over to a small icebox. She opens it and pulls out a bag of spinach. She then closes the icebox and walks back downstairs.

“You know, I could trust the thin one. It the larger one I don’t trust.” Rainbow Dash states.

“Oh, come on. You’re just mad because he grabbed hold of you.” Vinyl comments.

“If he would have squeezed you as hard as he did to me, you wouldn’t like him either. I could not breathe, and it felt like he was going to break my ribs.” She retorts.

Twilight dashes up the stairs. “They’re gone! They left the library!” She exclaims.

“What was that about trusting them, D-Pad?” Rainbow Dash says, smirking gladly at me.

“D’you feel bad about sneaking out of the library?” I ask Nikolas.

We walk out of the library and sneak around some of the shops, staying out of sight. Nikolas is carrying his duffle bag.

“A little bit.” He replies. “She is very nice, and she shares the same scientific interests as I do. She is very talkative, which is good and bad. Good, as she explains everything we ask about. Bad, as she liked to talk about everything else, including our world.”

“She reminds me of you, bud. Gotta learn it all.” I joke.

"Da, no kidding. Good job distracting her, by the way. I was just waiting for a moment like that.” He compliments me.

“Thanks, but you owe me a bag of spinach.” I say.

Nikolas laughs. “I’ll make it up to you. First, we are going to try and hunt a deer. I don’t know about you, but I didn’t bring this bad boy just to eat cabbage and potatoes.” He says, patting his duffle bag.

We both peek out of our hiding space. The coast seems to be clear. We run across the street and hide behind some of the cottages. I can see a forest close to here. We keep sneaking around the town, getting closer and closer to the forest.

“Just a bit further.” Nikolas whispers. “Let us just pass by here…”

Nikolas accidentally trips over a barrel. He flops onto the ground. A bunch of ponies come over and look at him. The look at him in wonder and awe. As he stands up, the ponies start prodding and poking him. Damn it, Nikolas, we don’t need this attention. Looks like I’m going to have to save your ass…again.

I step out of my hiding spot, take a deep breath, and raise my hands over my head.

“WHERE’S THE BLAAAAAAAAACKSMITH!!!” I bellow.

The ponies jump and start running around screaming. I grab Nikolas and we bolt to the forest. We walk for what I presume is a mile into the forest. Nikolas puts down his duffle bag, unzips it, and pulls out a bolt-action rifle and some rifle bullets. He loads the bullets, zips up his duffle bag, puts it on, and continues forward.

We walk for a while, talking about what we are going to do to get back to our world. We make jokes and tell stories of our lives. Suddenly, Nikolas puts a finger up to his mouth and makes a shushing noise. He points forward. I look and see what I can make out as a large deer. Nikolas kneels down and points his rifle at the deer. He takes a couple deep breaths. He then takes a deep breath and holds it. He pulls the trigger. There is a thundering boom, followed by a splatter of red from the head of the deer.

“Oh yeah! Perfect!” Nikolas shouts.

“Very unsportsman like, Nik.” I say.

“Oh hush up…this is not a sporting event, this is hunting for food. No rules tovarishch, no rules.” He retorts.

We walk over to the deer. There is a large hole in its head, and there is pool of blood forming under it. Nikolas puts his rifle back in his duffle bag.

“Adam, could you carry the deer for me?” Nikolas asks.

Man…I hate carrying dead things…”Sure.” I grumble. I pick up the deer and put it on my shoulders. We start walking back to the town.

“You’re certain they went this way?” I ask one of the scared.

“Y-yes, the big one began hollering about the blacksmith. Why does he want to know where our blacksmith is?” She asks, worried.

“I’m not sure, but I think he just wants to talk to him.” I guess.

“We're whalers on the moon, we carry a harpoon, but there ain’t no whales, so we tell tall tales, and we sing our whaling tune!” I hear Adam sing.

I turn around to see Adam and Nikolas walking towards me, with a dead deer over Adam’s shoulders.

“What happened?!” I say, examining the deer.

“I killed it. One bullet to the brain, and he went and flopped down. Perfect shot.” Nikolas says.

“YOU DID WHAT!!” I shout.

Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle fly down to us.

“What happened to it?!” Twilight asked, pointing at the deer on Adam’s shoulder.

“Nikolas killed it!” I growl.

“You did what!?”  Twilight shouts at Nikolas.

“I killed it! And I plan on eating it too! I don’t care that you guys are vegetarians; I am going to eat meat and I do not care what you think about it!” Nikolas shouts.

“Nik, calm down.” Adam says. “You don’t need to be a jerk about it.”

“It’s not my fault they can’t deal with the fact that I killed an animal that I intend to eat.” Nikolas grumbles at Adam.

“Yeah maybe, but the fact that your being a douche about it doesn’t make our appearance any better.” Adam retorts.

“If you had any good appearance…” Rainbow Dash comments.

“You need to shut your pretty little mouth before somebody shuts it for you!” Nikolas shouts. “I swear to God, you are getting on my nerves, you little bitch!”

“Who are you calling a bitch?!” Rainbow Dash shouts, poking Nikolas in the chest.

Nikolas grabs her forearm. “I would not touch me again if I were you!” He shouts.

“Or what, you furless freak!?” Rainbow Dash shout, pushing Nikolas with her other hoof.

Nikolas grabs what looks like piece of metal with a wooden handle from his duffle bag. He puts it right at Rainbow Dash’s throat. “How much do you love eating with your mouth?!” Nikolas shouts.

“WHOA! NO! NOT GOOD! NOT GOOD!” Adam shouts, backing up. “Nik, just calmly put the gun down! Take a couple deep breaths…and lower the gun.”

Nikolas begins to take a couple deep breaths. He puts the “gun” in his pocket and lets Rainbow Dash go. She begins rubbing her throat.

“I…I am sorry…” He says, rubbing his head. “I should have been more delicate about this.”

Everypony stands still, not saying a word. This goes on for a couple of minutes. Suddenly, I see Vinyl and Octavia galloping toward us. They look like the world is ending.

“Dragon! At the town hall!” Octavia shouts.

“…WADAYA MEAN A DRAGON!?!? WHEN WAS THIS A THING!?!?” Adam shouts, flabbergasted.

“Now is not the time!” I shout. “We got to go and stop it from destroying Ponyville!”

Everypony starts running toward the center of Ponyville. Adam drops the deer corpse as he runs.

Dragons…WHY THE HELL ARE THERE DRAGONS! IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE! WAIT! I FORGOT! NOTHING MAKES SENSE HERE…fuck my life…

We get to what I presume is the center of the town. The biggest building here, the town hall as I am guessing, is being perched upon by a jet-black dragon. Some pegasi in blue uniforms are trying to get it off the building.

“You think we should tell them that what they’re doing isn’t working?” I ask the group.

The dragon swats the pegasi out of the sky. “Oup, never mind.” I say. Rainbow Dash and D-Pad fly up towards the dragon. They fly in a couple of maneuvers that seem to be working. Well, until the dragon grabs them both, and begins squeezing the life out of them.

“What do we do!?” Octavia shouts.

I raise my hand in the air.

“I got dis.”

I walk over to the Town Hall. “HEY, FUNGUS BREATH!” I shout to the beast.

The dragon looks down at me, and growls at me.

“Get yo ass down here!” I shout, to which the dragon roars at me. “DON’T YOU UAAAAAUAUAUAAUGH AT ME, I SAID GET YO ASS DOWN HERE!!!”

The dragon roars at me again. “I don’t think he is willing to listen to you.” Octavia comments.

“Well then, I’m just going to have to climb up there!” I say running towards the town hall.

I jump up to the balcony and pull myself up. I start scaling the building. The dragon notices me and swings its tail at me. Seeing it coming, I take the opportunity to jump onto its tail and hang on tight. The dragon begins flailing its tail around. The dragon brings its tail to its face, which is the STUPIDEST thing it could do. I leap to its face and grab its snout. It begins roaring and thrashing its head about.

“This is your captain speaking; we are experiencing some MAJOR TURBULENCE!!” I shout.

The dragon lets go of the two pegasi and grabs me. He starts trying to squeeze the life out of me.

“Look.” I say, pulling my arms out. “We both know you’re not going to win. Why don’t you just give up now and I won’t punch you in the noggin.”

The dragon roars at me again. I get it, your scary, look at me cower in fear, aaaaaaah…I’m getting bored now. Let’s get this over with…

I pry myself out of the dragons grip. I run up the dragon’s arm to his face, and punch him right in the snout. I think I hear something break. I hop on his face and begin stomping on his head. He raises both of his claws up trying to swat me away. Now he has no leverage to the town hall. I jump as high as I can, which is a good couple of feet. As I come falling down, I bring my feet at full force onto its snout. The shock sends the dragon flying forward onto the ground. I scramble onto the dragons back, just in time to avoid getting crushed by the weight of the dragon. I step over the dragons head and climb down onto the ground.

“And THAT ladies and gentlemen is how you bring down a dragon!” I shout proudly. Nikolas and the rest of the ponies stare at me with awe and amazement. I hear the dragon growl behind me. I see a large shadow take form under me. I instinctively leap out of the way, just in time to avoid being crushed by the dragon’s hand. I look back at the dragon, and it roars at me yet again.

Rrrrrgh…BRAVO! YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY PISSED ME THE HELL OFF! I walk over to the dragons face. “FUS RO FUCK YOU!!!” I shout as I punch the dragon in the snout repeatedly. The dragon begins whimpering. “ARE YA DONE!?” I shout, to which the dragon nods. “THEN GET YO ASS OUTTA ERE!” The dragon quickly picks itself up and scrambles to take off. It then darts as fast as it can towards the sky. Take a deep breath…and release…

“So, where were we?” I say calmly. I notice that there is now a huge crowd of ponies forming behind Nikolas. They are staring in awe. They murmur amongst themselves. Vinyl Scratch trots over to me.

“May I have your attention please!” She shouts to the crowd.  “I am proud present…the most amazing, the most death-defying human Equestria will ever see! He’s big…he powerful…he’s more random than square tires. Mares and gentlestallions! ADAM!”

The entire crowd begins cheering and applauding. Nikolas walks over to me. “Well!” He shouts over the crowd. “This turned out to be a better day than I expected!”

D-Pad flies down to me and high fives me. “Feels good, doesn’t it!” He shouts.

I take Nikolas aside. “You think I should tell them I do this shit for a living?” I say.

…

“Nah.” We both say together.